what i'm about to share is deeply personal to me.
in fact, to be completely honest and vulnerable, as i always PRAY i am when i write…
i'd really rather not share.
but after a pretty heavy argument with the dude upstairs, a lot of sassiness, a little bit of shade thrown, (from me, to Him) a few tears, a big deep breath, and an urging from the Holy Spirit,
i digress.
so here we go.
God often speaks to me visually. i suppose i learn better that way.
today, i was sitting at my vanity (yes, duh, of course i have a vanity, who do you think i am.)
anyway, i sat there as i was brushing my hair.
i carefully looked at every strand of my hair, counting each one of them.
before you all start secretly and silently judging me, thinking i'm some sort of a weirdo who has a weird hair obsession and freakishly counts and collects and keeps my hair, let me back up.
i'm losing my hair.
not yet sure of the reason yet, so last week i went to see a specialist.
at that appointment, he asked me to keep track of how many individual hairs i lose.
thus, you can see, it wasn't a personal choice to pay close attention to my hair, or rather, my hair loss.
i have to be honest.
the significant loss of my hair has really thrown me.
this morning, as i sat there counting the hairs, i actually began weeping.
it wasn't an ugly cry, it wasn't a hysterical cry.
it was a slow, soft, incredibly painful cry.
the kind of cry that starts off about one thing, and deepens in substance as it goes on.
in honesty, in that moment of losing something quite superficial (although still significant), i was reminded of how many other things i've lost recently.
as always, and right on time, God spoke to me in the midst of my pain.
"not one hair drops off of your head without me knowing."
let me just be real.
i haven't really been hearing God's voice lately.
it's not because God hasn't been speaking.
it's just more so that i haven't been listening.
when i say i've been in a season of loss, it has truly felt overwhelming at times.
in the past year:
i've lost pieces of myself that i had become so familiar with,
i've had to grieve letting them go (although they no longer serve me purpose anymore.)
i've lost people, people i never could have imagined living life without.
i've lost jobs.
i've lost the ability to do things that once came so very easy to me.
i've lost love - in family, in friendships, and even romantically.
and then, comes, losing my hair.
you see, i'm aware that the hair may seem petty and shallow to you…depending on how you feel about your hair.
the deeper reason here is that, to me, in some way, i thought i could at least control my physical appearance.
the emotional pain, the immense grief, the sadness…
i can't control that.
but my hair?
i could control, until all of the sudden, i couldn't.
i can't even do that.
and then, in the midst of my tears and my deeply saddened and discouraged heart,
god spoke, in a way so delicate, as only He could…
"but you haven't lost me."
you see…
we may lose sight of God.
but we never actually LOSE God.
of course, as i sat there, i was reminded of the faithfulness of God.
and even more than His faithfulness, His sovereignty.
i was reminded of the Scripture in Matthew 10:30-31, in the amplified version…
"but even the very hairs of your head are all numbered [for the Father is sovereign and has complete knowledge.] so do not fear, you are more valuable than many sparrows."
i am humbled that He knows every hair on my head, but i'm even more humbled and comforted at what the amplified verse says after…
the Father is sovereign and has complete knowledge.
i was thinking, in this season, of how silent i've been to God.
and yet again, God shows up, with a gentle reminder that not even silence can break His sovereignty.
God is still sovereign in my silence.
God is still sovereign in my disobedience.
God is still sovereign in my heartbreak.
God is still sovereign in my loss.
God is still sovereign in my grief.
God is still sovereign in EVERY season of my life.
this isn't some profound blog. i'm aware.
this is just a reminder, in case life has done a good job of keeping you distracted…
that God is STILL, and is always in control.
and i'm aware that you may be reading this, perhaps rolling your eyes…
because we hear it all the time. and it's easy to say, but it's harder to actually FEEL.
there's good news.
God is intricately and delicately acquainted with all of Y O U R ways.
YOU.
not one thing slips by Him without His knowledge.
you are seen by Him, even in the deepest moments of silence.
you are known by Him, even when it seems like you've been forgotten.
get this: His EYE is always on you.
ready for this? even when your eyes drift and lose sight of Him, He never takes His eye off you.
you can rest assured that although we lose people and things in this life,
we won't lose God.
He is a good, good father.
it's who He is.
His faithful love endures forever.
He created us, and He sustains us.
it's in Him that we live and that we move and that we have our being.
He is in our details.
ALL of our details.
the messy.
the scary.
the good.
the bad.
the seemingly insignificant.
He is in the midst of it ALL with you.
and He never leaves.
i pray he speaks to you faithfully as He did to me this morning.
gentle reminders.
hope filled promises.
His unfailing word.
this is our GOD.
you are loved. you are seen. you are known. by a God who is in COMPLETE control.
O LORD, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O LORD, you know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it.
Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,"
even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you.
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me. // psalm 139
until next time,
X O X O,
C A I T L i N
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