the quote was from a book I've never read, but the W O R D S struck deep down inside of me.
"but if these years have taught me anything, it is this: you can never run away. Not ever. The only way out is in."
I actually started laughing out loud (which let's be real, I do alot, and yes, I'm mega proud of the boisterous laugh that I inherited from my momma.)
I laughed out loud because if I've ever learned one thing, Lord have mercy, it's THIS.
and don't misunderstand me here -- I am STILL learning this. every. single. day.
you can't run. well, actually, you CAN run.
you can run AWAY from your problems...
you can hide and avoid and refuse to confront the issues that are plaguing you...
but you will never OUTRUN them.
they may go away for a little while, but they will always boomerang and find their way back to you.
oh it may only take weeks. or maybe months. or even years. and the longer you run, the harder they hit you when they finally hunt you down.
and it's in that ugly, nasty moment where you are standing FACE TO FACE with what you've suppressed, what you've ignored, what you've hidden from for so long that you have a CHOICE.
you can keep running.
or...
you can put on armor, and make a choice--despite the fear that overwhelms you with what you may uncover
despite the pain and hurt that you WILL once again experience--
despite the exhaustion you may feel with the WORK you have to finally begin--
and step, head on, into the fire, determined to come out on the other side...
REFINED. LIGHTER. FREE.
the last 5 words REALLY got me.
the only way OUT is IN.
the only way OUT is in.
the only way OUT is in.
the only way OUT is in.
[I stared at the words so long my extremely sensitive but beautiful [AYYYYE] blue eyes blurred and I finally couldn't read them anymore.]
I set my phone down and zoned out. repeating the words over and over and over in my head until I heard a voice different than my own.
"Caitlin? do you hear me? the only way out is in. there is no other way. don't do this."
oh, the person above speaking to me is the Holy Spirit of God. we're cool like that.
and the don't do this? well that was referring to a decision I was contemplating earlier in the week and a decision I had made my mind up just a day earlier.
let's back up.
just a few months ago I started therapy. (again.)
except this time was very different. this time, it wasn't going be something that kept me afloat.
it was something that was going to FREE me.
(don't get me wrong, Jesus has set me free from much.)
but for years I have carried deep, dark, twisted hurts and pains on the inside of me that I have refused to acknowledge.
ugly, nasty, twisted hurts that have reared their very, very ugly heads and appeared in places I never thought they would.
hurts that have kept me from living and experiencing the abundance and joy of LIFE that Jesus so desires for me to have in ALL areas.
and even Jesus can't work with what we REFUSE to bring to light.
finally, it was time.
because I decided that I deserve to live FREE.
have you ever made an empowered decision...and then once you start to do the very thing you decided to do...you realize how much WORK it is?
you realize it's going to require more than you originally thought?
perhaps you left certain things out of the equation.
and perhaps you just didn't realize it would feel the way it does. in fact, it FEELS much worse than you thought it would at first.
and you find yourself second guessing your decision, well, because, it turns out it's a lot HARDER than you thought it would be.
if you're shaking your head no right now, [ I applaud you, because, well, you're holier than me. and also, you're probably lying. so I'll pray for you. ]
RELAX. I'M KIDDING. IT'S A JOKE. IT'S A JOKE. IT'S A JOKE. and it was funny.
so you know, I started doing this therapy thing. and it was kinda, like, well, it was cool.
I didn't really have to talk about super deep stuff and I could say ridiculous things and knew she couldn't tell anyone else and I could just unload for an hour about my week and then go on with my life.
I was relieved.
until the next week.
"so, we've kept it pretty casual the past few weeks. what are you hoping to get out of this?"
I kinda stumbled back and forth but deep down I knew. I knew the deep, lurking, super nasty hurts and pain underneath my smile and bronzer and super thick layers of sarcasm used as a defense mechanism. I knew what I HAD to say. but I DIDN'T say it.
silence filled the room for a few minutes.
finally, she looked at me and said, "hey. the only way you are going to get to where you want to be is if you make a choice to dig really deep into the places you're fighting against and confront those issues."
DUN DUN DUN. was she even serious? how was she even trying to say this to me right now?
I know. ridiculous. I make a choice to see a therapist and get angry when she tries to help. HELLO, reasons I need a therapist to begin with. [ Jesus help me. ]
I finally stirred up the courage to say out loud the very reasons that brought me to the warm, purple room with dimmed lights and ridiculously comfortable couch [ that I've thought about stealing multiple times for my currently very under furnished but fabulous apartment. ]
I walked out, nervously awaiting the next time I'd see her because I knew, I just knew that the SURFACE, SUPERFICIAL, SARCASTIC me was about to have to dive into some pretty super deep waters.
but on my drive home, as my head flooded with thoughts of fear, nervousness, and anxiousness...racking my brain with questions like:
if this was something I really NEEDED
if this was something I really WANTED
if this was something I could really DO
if this was something that was really WORTH it...
if this was something that really could FREE me...
and naturally [ plenty of road rage thoughts because thats just who I am and God and I are cool like that and I'm a work in progress and He doesn't judge me...so don't you judge me, you lyin if you say you don't struggle with it too...
I heard the voice of the Holy Spirit say to me AGAIN..." hey, you wanna get OUT? go in."
cue eye roll (super sassy but that's how He made me) and sweating and rapid heartbeat and a looming spirit of FEAR over me for the next 7 days until we'd meet again.
I was feeling iffy.
I was feeling iffy.
I mean I'm being honest, I was d r e a d i n g it.
the next week, there I sat. I spoke about things I don't think I'd ever said out loud to anyone. I stepped right back into places I hadn't gone back to in YEARS. I cried. ugly cried. BIG. UGLY. TEARS. there was snot. lots of it. I'm just being real.
and, I'll be honest. I left DRAINED. I left exhausted. I left thinking it was too hard and I couldn't do it. I went home and went to bed. I decided I was done. It wasn't worth it. if this was how I'd feel, how could it make me BETTER?
it was irrational, but it was how I felt. I closed my eyes and went to bed.
until, the next day, in God's perfect love and grace when my eyes caught the words of an Instagram post that I was scrolling by.
God our Father has P E R F E C T timing.
He is NEVER early.
He is NEVER late.
He is always RIGHT on time.
see, maybe if I had scrolled through that 24 hours earlier, I wouldn't have received it. maybe my heart would have still been flooded with nervousness and doubt. and maybe God knew that and so He waited.
He waited for my eyes to catch it at a time where my heart was a little softer, where I wasn't so freshly wounded and feeling so much fresh HURT from my past.
"the only way OUT is in."
so I laughed. I laughed because I knew this was His way of getting His point across to me.
I also laughed because I'm not sure if I've ever said the words "I give up."
don't get me wrong -- I've said them when I have to do tasks like figure out how to use tools, or change a spare tire, or figure out why my washer is leaking (it's because I didn't have the drain hose hooked up. YES, I'm blonde, YES I'm single and live alone, let's move on...)
but in the gritty, messy, heartbreaking, terrifying, absolute awful moments of life (and there have been A LOT), never can I remember a time where I decided I was absolutely done and would "give up."
so I'm reading the words and as I'm reading them, I get this revelation from the Holy Spirit.
when you make a decision to address the ugly places, YES, it digs up past hurts and opens wounds.
but when you make a decision to address the ugly places, you also SHINE A LIGHT and make a way for the beautiful grace of Jesus to flow into those places.
not only that, (this one is my favorite), when you uncover the wounds that have deeply scared you, you unlock a strength you've forgotten was buried under there.
you see, sweet friend, scars are just proof that something hurt you... but didn't kill you.
when you intentionally choose to face them, and deal with the very things that have manifested in places they never belonged in the first place...
God meets you with a strength and a grace that is supernatural.
because when you sit in a room, whether full of sweet friends, or one other person, actually addressing the things that have kept you bound, you are, whether you realize it, walking in victory.
because the very fact that YOU can admit they've kept you bound...
is you also saying that they didn't BURY you.
in my studying, I found a beautiful quote by Rick Warren:
"If you’re discouraged, don’t give up without a fight. Nothing worthwhile ever happens without endurance and energy. When an artist creates a sculpture, he has to keep chipping away. He doesn’t hit the chisel with the hammer once, and suddenly all the excess stone falls away revealing a beautiful masterpiece. He keeps hitting it and hitting it, chipping away at the stone. And that’s true of life, too. Nothing really worthwhile ever comes easy in life. You keep hitting it and going after it, and little by little your life becomes a masterpiece of God’s grace.The fact is, great people are really just ordinary people with an extraordinary amount of determination. Great people don’t know how to quit."
so here I am. in the fight of my life. it's not easy. it's not fun. it hurts. it's painful.
but I choose to go in. every day. I hold my head high. I cling very tightly to my Jesus. I choose to dig deep and persevere because I know there is beauty on the other side. so much BEAUTY.
beauty and hope and joy that glitter and super sparkly everything that God has stamped MY name on and appointed to ME.
because He loves me. and He NEEDs for me to possess it.
His death didn't happen so He could offer you or I a bound life. His death happened so He could offer us a BEAUTIFUL life.
so yes. I choose to go IN.
because I am not a quitter. [philippians 4:13]
and God is for me. [romans 8:31]
and He never leaves me. [deuteronomy 31:6]
and He honors my pure heart. [james 4:6]
and His grace is sufficient. [2 corinthians 12:9]
and my breakthrough is for someone else. [genesis 50:20]
and most of all, because His plans are beautiful, and they are good. [jeremiah 29:11.]
so whatever it is, friend, I hope I encouraged you. you can do it. don't run. instead walk boldly into the dark places, precisely so you can find your light. I believe in you. and so does God.
I'll leave you with a sweet promise that has found its way dearly into my heart these days:
"So let's not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don't give up." Galatians 6:9
until next time!
xoxo,
caitlin
