in our weakness

last week was one for the books in my life.

it was a week of complete surrender to God. 

it also was one of the most emotionally taxing, draining, and hardest weeks of my life.

daily, i felt my physical body growing weaker. my emotions grew frail.

even somewhere, deep down inside of my spirit, i felt it weak.

and then i was reminded sweetly & gently by the Holy Spirit : when you're weak, i am strong. 

so let me be. 

last week, i packed up my entire life in boxes. left a home that had become my family where i lived for 2 years. i moved in with a sent by Jesus friend. i said bye to friends. i surrendered to the rest and healing God had been pleading to let Him give to me. i took a leave of absence from an internship that i'm in love with. i left a church family and my church...the most incredible place with an incredible presence of Jesus. i grieved the 3 year anniversary of my mother's death. got on a plane, and came to Boston to be treated for Lyme disease.

last week, i was weak. (no pun intended.) 

last week, i admitted and surrendered that no longer will i do this on my OWN.

you know, i can be stubborn. anybody who knows me knows this. 

the other day was a particularly rough day for me physically. i found myself in the parking lot of Highlands staring up at a huge hill. 

all of the sudden something bowed up within me and i was determined to PUSH my body as hard as i could to climb to the top as fast as i could. 

these days, i'm out of breath just from breathing. like, half a flight of stairs and i'm winded. 

but guess what? i did it. 

know what else? it felt GOOD. 

but afterwards, man...i paid for it afterwards. 

but i decided to anyway. i knew i shouldn't, but i had to prove how strong i was and my body was.

i don't know about you, but i'm kind of stubborn. (SEE ABOVE STATEMENT.) 

i grew up being told to be tough. i've spent years of my life FIGHTING. 

for myself. for others. against myself. against others.

defense. defense. defense. defense. 

guess what? i'm done. 

GIVING UP? SURRENDERING? HANDING THE FIGHT OVER? 

yep. 

i know that i'm called by God to be a warrior. it's been my calling ever since i've known Him as my Father.

but there's one thing i forget about being a WARRIOR: i'm not to or supposed to do it ALONE. i'm a WARRIOR for the kingdom. but for years I DID it alone. 

i was independent. i was prideful. i was stubborn. (these all can still be describing me today in this moment- those of you who know me are shaking your heads, YES. that's okay. i forgive you.)

i'm a typical bible/preacher/someday speaker nerd so i always end up looking at the definition of words. 

i found one definition for WARRIOR: the first one that popped up and loved it.

a person engaged or experienced in warfare; soldier. // somebody courageous. 

it's quite obvious that if you're a Christian, you're in warfare. if you didn't know that, email me and we'll talk. because you are. and that's a whole different discussion. 

the enemy comes to STEAL | KILL | DESTROY. 

JESUS comes to give LIFE. he DIED. for LIFE. to give LIFE. and LIFE abundant.

i want to live and be sustained by JESUS. Himself. and nothing else. 

God FIGHTS for me. EXODUS 14:14.

my part is to BELIEVE & DECLARE EVERY DAY THAT HE IS.

because the devil is a liar and he'll tell you otherwise. he'll make you pridefully bow up inside and run up a hill and tell you that you can and should do it all by yourself and then...

well then we know what happens. you get tired. worn out. discouraged. and why? Because you chose to sustain yourself instead of choosing to be sustained by God. 

weakness is vital to God. how else might He be made strong? 

i'm not in this season to make myself mentally tougher. 

i'm here to be humbled | tested | made pure | refined | to become solely dependent on Him | disciplined. 

does this feel good? no, it doesn't. 

a Pastor that has watched me walk through life the last 3 years told me not long ago: "i've watched life throw some pretty crazy things your way. and you've fought. fought. fought. now it's time to rest in Him and let Him do the fighting for you.

can i just be real? i'm going to anyway even if you don't want me to because it's my blog. 

I didn't LIKE that. but, but, but...i can do it. i can handle it. i can do this on my own.

well, a few weeks after that conversation God led me to a place where i couldn't handle it on my own. nothing. i couldn't support myself financially, i couldn't move my body, some days, i couldn't get out of bed.

THAT day. people must read and think but why? Why would God lead you to that place.

to show me the weaker i am the more He shows up in my life. 

i mean we say it all the time. GOD, you're sovereign. GOD, whatever and wherever you LEAD ME. 

here's the part that we would never admit to saying, but that God knows we're thinking...

WE SAY THIS: ANYTHING and EVERYTHING for your glory, yes, Jesus, I'll be your servant and your mouthpiece and go anywhere and do anything and go through anything just for you...

and we mean it. at least, when i'm praying it, i mean it. except i have my own guidelines that i'm unaware of until He actually brings me to a place that i don't recall asking for.

the holy spirit whispers: anywhere and anything. remember?

well, yea, holy spirit, i remember pledging to God that i'd go through anything but...nothing uncomfortable. the unknown? a chronic illness? a complete interruption in my life? no, no, that's not what i signed up for.

convicted? me too. it's okay. we all do it.


let me tell you. i want you to leave this blog with two things in your head.

the weaker we are, the easier for God to move. why are we trying to become stronger on our own when we have the CREATOR of the Universe on OUR SIDE? TELLING US. REASSURING us though His word He is constantly fighting for US? WHY?!

and secondly. the warrior thing. since this whole thing started, several of you have sent messages and poured into me. i am so grateful for every single word. the words i get are "vibrant, so strong, such a fighter. strong. strong. strong." 

and you're right. i am strong. I've been strong. but i want God to become the only strength in me. i desire to LiVE no other way.

just a few days ago, when i arrived in boston, i'm thinking in my head...great. i'm supposed to be out that being a WARRIOR for your kingdom, God. instead i'm here. no job. sick. at home. square 1. DETOURRRR. 

the Holy Spirit hit me like I've never been hit before: warriors are not just fighters. and before they become strong fighters for the kingdom, they are put in anonymous seasons. rest seasons. wilderness. they are made weak.

because strong fighters are only strong fighters because of the adversity and brokenness they've faced on their walk with Jesus. valleys. lows. and it is by the grace of God that brings them to their knees and makes them solely dependent on the strongest one: JESUS. the only one. who carries us and sustains us. 

one more thing, daughter: walking in reverence and unshaken FAITH are brave and courageous. speaking out when other people want you to be quiet is brave and courageous. sharing the honest journey, walking THROUGH...it's preparing you for the next season.

it's easy for me to be loud. about just about anything. i can't help it. my voice, my laugh, my opinion, my love for God & everything in between.

wanna know what's hard? this. vulnerable. humility. asking for help. sharing my story while it's STILL BEING WRITTEN.

not sharing the victory, rather, but the defeat. the current situation. the hurt. the weakness. the fear. 

victory is mine and jesus is healing me every day...

but i'm still walking through this. and until the day He heals me completely, i will be.

there have been so many times where i KNOW and have seen God calling me to preach to women. i get impatient. waiting for that day.

but this is brave. this is courage. this is what is shaping me for those days ahead. and i've just decided, world.

i've just decided to embrace it and be completely content being in over my head. the unknown. the reality of where i'm at and where my health is.

He is remaining faithful. but am i? today, i choose to remain faithful.

it's a challenge. every day. 

but He's a good Father. He knows where I need to be. and i trust Him. 


so here i am. and holy spirit, i pray that i would BE here. right here, completely. whole. embracing this moment. good, bad, or anything in between. help me to know that i am fully here in this moment.

break me, so i become fully dependent on you in EVERY way, GOD. there is no other way. and no other desire in my heart. 

this post was hard to write. every post is these days. my hands and fingers lock up. my eyes go blurry after about 10 minutes of staring at a computer screen. i've said it before and ill say it again: i'm not stopping.

He wants my story shared. He wants me to speak. He wants me weak. He wants me vulnerable. let me come before you in total reverence and awe, Father. do what only you can do and bring glory to your name IN the midst of this and through this.

if you are battling anything: let me fight with you and for you. please. share your prayer requests. share this post.

continue to follow my own personal journey and to support and raise awareness for lyme disease: http://gofundme.com/hf0jec


most of all, readers, whoever you are...i want you to be encouraged. the world will tell you you have to become more strong. FIGHT harder. SINK into Jesus and let Him carry you. His strength outweighs ours and may it always. let us forever be reminded of just how great, good, big and faithful you are, JESUS.

until next time,

XOXO,

C A i T L i N

t h r o u g h.

to you: whoever you are, wherever you're reading, whatever you're battling. God is FAITHFUL. do. not. give. up. i pray that the Holy Spirit would speak to you and cover you like never before today. 

i don't know if there's ever been any person in history that's been excited to hear the word through. 

although it carries many definitions, (yes, i'm a dictionary nerd), none seem too appealing to me.

maybe it's because it's been the word spoken over the season and circumstances that i'm in my life in right now.

yes, maybe that's why i'm not a big fan of the word through. 

definition: during the whole period of; throughout: ...it just sounds like work, doesn't it? 

this is just a season i'm walking through. this is just something i have to go through. 

through basically means you're not going around something. it means that there's no running, avoiding, hiding, or, most times, ANY way around it. 

through does have one definition that made me smile and breathe a sigh of relief:
 






























to have reached the end of something. 





















































but...to reach the end of something, you have to go through it first, right? I've "RUN" two half marathons. 










never have i wanted to reach the end of something so badly. but staring at the narrow pavement in front of me, 



i knew one thing. i was going through it. ain't no way around it.

but the reward for enduring, for going through, was COMPLETION. add it to the list. 








you then get to say, "i went THROUGH that."



















































































































                                                 CONQUERED IT.































and i came out on the other side of it. i had MADE it THROUGH. granted,  i was LIMPING. CRYING. HURTING. IN PAIN. BARELY THERE. BUT I MADE IT.  and my BODY. and my SOUL. and my SPIRIT. were better for it. 



i can't help but to imagine what the journey of Jesus carrying the Cross was like for Him. in fact, in all honesty it's too much sometimes to even handle. sweat, blood, tears, mockery, beating, struggling, barely breathing, about to collapse (to name a FEW.) 


















i've had a lot of people tell me not to claim sickness, disease, and tell me this lot in my life. 




















i've had a lot of people who may see me with a lack of faith because i'm not healed yet. i've literally been diagnosed for 3 weeks.





i've had and heard a lot of opinions from a lot of people. and that's okay. we all have opinions. Jesus knows i have mine. 
but all i keep hearing from the Holy Spirit is the word through. 
i like to argue with God sometimes (SHOCK) and I began to think...Lord, I've been through enough. I mean honestly. HOW SELFISH! 
i had a meeting with a guy the other day. It was a particularly bad day for me physically. I woke up nauseous, weak, and in so much pain i could barely breathe. there is a constant pit in my stomach and pain in my legs and arms that never goes away.
the same day, both my legs just gave out on me in the middle of target because i was so weak. 

this guy, a Christian, listened to me talk about my journey. my testimony. my life before Christ. my life with Him now. I talked and talked (which is completely out of character for me...NOT) 



















finally, i said, i'm not sure why i'm going through it and i'm not sure when Jesus is going to heal me, and to be honest it doesn't matter. There is PURPOSE. 
then, he looked at me and what he said was something that aligned with what the Holy Spirit had been speaking the whole time.
"you already have your healing. the pain that you are enduring is SiMiLiAR to the drops of blood that fell from his journey with the Cross, you have your healing already, but you have to go through a grueling, painful journey to get through to the other side."

                                    














































                                      UMMMM, HELLO.

























 
Jesus knew redemption and victory would be His but He had to go through. THROUGH. THROUGH. THROUGH. 








he endured. he went through. for others.



























































































lots would disagree.



i agree completely. 




















it won't be paradise. but it will be something greater. an equipping and tools for ministry that will grow the Kingdom of God. 
i don't know why Satan thinks that for some reason i'll lose my faith in this experience. which, in all honesty, has been the hardest journey. 














to me, He just keeps building my resume. 











there are hurting people in the world. ones that have been hurt as badly and even worse than i have been. 
and one day, i will look across, face to face, eye to eye to those women and be able to say with confidence and assurance: i've been through what you're going through. and Jesus is faithful to bring you THROUGH.
























































               so the sickness in my body? 







       
                                                               GENESiS 50:20 "don't you see? you planned evil against me, but God USED those same plans for my good, as you see all around you right now- LiFE. and life for many people." (MSG) 
so no. i'm not going to stop being vulnerable. i will stop talking about what i'm going through, or sharing my story. i will not stop encouraging others. i REFUSE to think of this journey as anything but an absolute honor from my Father. 
who am i that He would choose to be a vessel for His glory, His kingdom, His miracles, His spirit? seriously, instead of complaining about our issues...(and if you don't know by now, i have just a tad going on....) why can't we THANK God for what He is going to do through us, if we would just be willing to let Him and OBEY Him when He calls us: "it's time. it's time to go through it." 
since when did we tell God "I'll do anything for you, and then complain or rebuke off any bad thing that happens to us? 
for those of you who disagree: sickness and disease is not my lot in life. it doesn't define me. and it will not be who i am forever. but it is right now. 

and it is filling my life with grace, faith, trust, and the presence and comfort of the Holy Spirit like NEVER before.
yes. it's TERRIFYING. feeling like i'm losing my mind, not being able to think clearly. watching my cognitive thinking go down the drain.arthritis invading my joints. dibilitating muscle aches that make me move like a 90 yr old woman. positive blood tests. my central nervous system out of control. constant pain and anxiety. 
i am honored that he would call me on a yet another journey to go through. yes, honored. flattered. 





























IN OUR WEAKNESS // HE IS MADE STRONG. 



























He HAS incredible plans. AND HE WILL GET THE GLORY. and in the meantime, people WILL come to know JESUS. my FAITH will be proclaimed LOUDER. people will see MIRACLES. my HEALING will come. my family will undoubtedly see JESUS in me. and who knows what's gonna happen. 
but i can tell you one thing: it's gonna be GOOD. "that's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good." R o M A N S 8:28 (MSG)

i have had an outpouring of people, some i know, and some i don't. your faith is inspiring. some in the Lyme community. some not. some Christians. some NOT. THAT MATTERS TO ME. AND IT MATTERS TO GOD. if i could inspire just one through this journey, if just one comes to know Jesus or even begins to stir in their faith, to me, that is VICTORY.
so yes, i think i'll make a choice everyday to write: to write about how i feel, what God is doing, brutal honesty. and i hope you'll keep reading and following. and by the way, to blog these days, it takes me hours. once a grammar freak, now i constantly mis spell words. my vision is almost completely blurry. my hands ache and ache and ache. 










































































but i'm not stopping. 



































































let me encourage you from one of my favorite and life verses, from the NLT but it's even more in your face in the MSG, which for anybody knows me is how i play. IN YO FACE. no filter. just real talk.

"if you only look AT us, you might as well miss the brightness. we carry the precious Message around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives. that's to prevent anyone from confusing God's incomparable power with us. as it is, there's not much chance of that. you know for yourselves that we're not much to look at. we've been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we're not demoralized; we're not sure what to do, but we know what God knows what to do, we've been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn't left our side, we've been thrown down, but we haven't been broken. what they did to Jesus, they do to us- trial and torture, mockery and murder; what Jesus did among them, he does in us- HE LIVES. our lives are at constant risk for Jesus's sake, which makes Jesus's life all the more evident in us. While we're going through the worst, you're getting in on the best." 2 coRiNTHiANS 4:7-12













































































































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XOXO, 









































































































































































































































                                  C A I T L I N.






























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