life changes.
so quickly.
in the blink of an eye.
one minute, you think you're living. you think this is it.
and the next...it all changes. everything important suddenly, doesn't matter anymore.
i, for one...am thankful for circumstances and trials that open my eyes. into what MY life, and others lives are really supposed to be. and who this LIFE is all about.
we become selfish, we so quickly become consumed with ourselves and forget about relationships, love and what it really is, and most importantly the very one who created us and has given us a purpose in life... JESUS.
the things we so defensively claim we live for tend to fade every now and then. and sometimes, God will use a devastating circumstance to open our eyes...really, truly, open our eyes.
this is my story. it's a roller coaster process. it is unending and ever changing...
all i wanted was my car back. i hate being dependent on other people. my transmission dies, and i have to depend on my father to fix it...and for my boss to bring me back and forth from work. i hate dependency. i want to be independent. there i stood...at a dream team party celebrating the servants of Church of the Highlands. (one of the best things i've ever been involved in. a true blessing in my life.) Friday. February 3rd. 2012. back up seven hours. i called my grandmother, whom i hadn't spoken to in weeks, to catch up. maybe see if she could bring me to get my car saturday...that's all i cared about. at that moment, getting my car so i wouldn't have to depend on others was biggest priority. i hang up the phone with her. i dial the numbers of my mothers phone number, because it was unsaved in my phone. i delete them quickly. anger, bitterness, sadness, and hate in your heart will keep you from doing things your heart REALLY wanted to do...but was clouded with the enemy's intent to stop them and keep your heart in bondage.
there I stand at Highlands. worshipping, praising God. but...for what? my car being fixed? worldly things. financial blessings? He had my heart only because things were indeed...going wonderfully for me at that time. successful in school, on good terms with my most of my family, two stable jobs...why wouldn't I worship God? He had brought me so far and blessed me. Life, to an extent, was perfect.
And while I stood there, not just worshipping God not because I truly loved Him for HIM- but more for my worldly blessings- my mother was breathing her last breaths. Alone.
the next morning...i woke up. trying to find a ride to get my car. that's ALL I cared about. Finally, at 12:00 pm on February 4th 2012, I called my Nana. My uncle answered the phone. "Where are you? Sit down." I remained standing. "Your mothers dead." I collapsed. The next few seconds, minutes, hours and days are a blur.
Wandering around my apartment uttering, "my mothers dead. my mothers dead. my mothers dead." Finally, I stumbled outside to my uncles car.
it gets messy from here.
hugs, casseroles, shock. old pictures, phone calls. conversations. tears. sleeplessness. old friends. new friends. distant family. close family.
february 4th 2012. the day my world came crashing down. and all of me, all 24 years of my life went with out. for Gods intent. and not the enemys.
that sunday night i sat and wrote my mothers obituary. there i sat. 2 weeks before my 25th birthday and i was writing her obituary, planning her funeral. unfair? no. anger at God? not at that moment.
NUMB.
600+ people showed up to my mothers viewing. she impacted so many lives. including the lives of my sisters and I. in a completely different way. here we sit. 25 years of feelings suppressed bubbling to a surface and nowhere to start.
writing. is my therapy. God has gifted me to do it. and do it well. i bring excellence and glory to Him when i have the patience to do it. i haven't obeyed Him always. but He longs for me to. so here I sit.
this blog will follow the transformation of my heart. fully restored to the way God intends it to be.
24 years of my "normal" life died the day my mother did.
I can only imagine what the enemy wants for me.
But I know what God promises me.
Jeremiah 29:11. Genesis 50:20. 1 Peter 5:10. Philippians 4:13.
Romans 9:31. Isaiah 53:5. Isaiah 43:1. Proverbs 31:25
i am unsure of this journey.
but i know that everyday I wake up, God isn't done with me. and I have a choice. to walk through the fire and come out on the other side, or live in darkness and let the devil win.
And while, somedays, these days, it feels like he is defeating me, I know, that God is fighting....on my behalf.
EXODUS 14:14.
Jesus died on the Cross to bring me back to life.
He was beaten.
I AM HEALED BY HIS WOUNDS.
it will not happen overnight. But He promises.
it WILL happen. it IS happening.
and one day, i will come out on the other side.
refined by the flames.
to the PUREST state of gold.
I WON'T GIVE UP ON GOD.
HE HAS YET TO GIVE UP ON ME.
