6/3/2012
today...
i'm having a hard time with LiFE. and death.
4 months ago today i lost my mother. iT'S been a long, hard, never ending nightmare. and truthfully, i haven't been too composed. in fact, in all fairness, i've been weak. a mess.crazy. emotional.up and down. on the brink. falling apart at the seams. i've been EVERYTHING...but okay. i haven't been OKAY...at ALL.
the way i've been feeling has the HOLY SPIRIT begging a question inside of my soul: do i understand that it's perfectly acceptable...to not be okay?
just the other day, i came across a tweet (yes, a tweet.) it pierced a feeling of sadness inside of me, a feeling of sadness and almost...failure.
but it was saying the complete opposite.
"it's okay to not be okay sometimes. nobody said we ever have to be perfect, together, and whole all of the time. in fact, Jesus died on a cross because we aren't."
over the past four months...there have been several occasions that have left me feeling...strangely inadequate.
like my emotions, behaviors, and responses to people and situations haven't been appropriate through this...
well, in all honesty, through this heart wrenching season of my life.
in particular, the other day i was thinking about how it would be the 4 month mark of my mothers death in a few days...
a gut wrenching feeling began to tear through my stomach and...i stopped what i was doing and started to weep.
how has it already been 4 months? it feels like
years. so far away. unfamiliar. distant.
again, the Holy Spirit prompted.
"are you okay?"
i shook it off. but you can't LiE to God. Or to yourself.
for very long, anyway.
see the truth is, i have really struggled with being okay these days. like if i'm not, I'm living in sin. Or if I feel certain ways, it burdens my relationship with the Lord...
like somehow it separates me more from Him.
but that's not how it is. And that's not why God saved me. So I could live and feel in secret. Alone.
in fact, He sent Jesus so I could in fact, feel the exact opposite.
i don't want to live in chains. i don't want to bury my feelings. i don't want to apologize for how i feel. and i don't want to walk through life without God.
however hard i have to fight.
honestly, i haven't been fighting hard. I have given up against the devil. I have walked from God because somedays it feels impossible that He's there. But that's a lie. And sometimes, the only thing I can do...
is be reminded.
HE is right by my side.
you see, the enemy has done a lot of things these past four months. but he's done one that's worked a major strain on my relationship with MY God.
He's kept me in fear of really feeling, really living, and really having faith in God.
i've been wrestling back and forth with the Holy Spirit.
and although most days I am left with questions, most days i am left empty and wanting to give up, I know that there is always ONE place i can run to with my true feelings.
one place i can come to be refreshed, refilled, and refueled.
i can run to the almighty one who never condemns, who never leaves, never forsakes, or never abandons me.
and although i have really bad days, i am left thinking at the beginning and end of each:
HE IS ENOUGH. HE IS ENOUGH.
and to the devil, i say this:
you can take everything from me. knock me down, leave me in tears, build up walls, put strongholds in my mind...
but I have a God that is forever fighting on my behalf. (ExODUS 14:14)
and he has promised to complete a good work in me. (ROMANS 8:28)
JESUS said, "it is finished."
TRiUMPH. OF LiFE.
ViCTORY. OVER THE DEViL.
the biggest thing the enemy wants to keep us from is real, intimate relationship with God.
The tangible, incredibly honest relationship that includes us in HUMILITY before Him. Laying it out, bringing our thoughts (good or bad) and our troubles and heartaches to Him in prayer and in thanksgiving.
if the last 4 months have taught me anything they have taught me that keeping quiet and walking silently from the Lord is more damaging then anything else.
HE is near. HE hears. He is desperate to comfort, desperate for us to get real with Him.
I've gotten really real with Him lately.
yelling. screaming. in tears. erratic. i have come to in anger. in sin. in anxiety and depression. confusion. the list goes on.
scared. secretive. fearing He would be disappointed in me. turn me away. not listen. even worse, not help.
and you know what?
He has been exactly who He has always been to me. Never changing. Faithful to love me.
AT MY ABSOLUTE WORST.
it's a hard decision to make. you can say you're going to fight, but when it comes time to really fight for faith, will you?
i didn't. i haven't. and yet still, God has been fighting for me.
it's time for me to fight. for my faith. for my life. against the enemy. for my heart back. and walls to be broken.
to remember one thing and one thing only;
God is never going to change.
He is for me. His grace is abundant. His love is unfailing. I am
His child. My heart is His alone.
And I...on my darkest days,
am never alone.
i will not be ashamed of my feelings. i will not apologize for being sad. for being angry. for being confused. and having questions.
is it okay to not be okay?
yes.
Only God is perfect.
is it okay to not want to feel like fighting?
yes.
but the enemy will not win.
i WILL fight- because He fought for me on that cross. He gave His life so I could live.
He gave me abundant LIFE-
and the devil will not steal that from me.
instead, i will bow my knee at the cross, every day. lay my burdens down there. thank God for breath and life.
and carry on this journey. one minute, one hour, one day at a time.
with Him.
xoxo,
caitlin.
