c h a n g e d.

i've been hearing the voice of the Holy Spirit over and over and over again lately. 

i know. i know. starting out super spiritual today. 

maybe i should say it like this: God has been speaking to me about the same thing for weeks now. 

my pastor started a series called "weights" a few weeks ago. 

it covers dealing with all of the weights of life that weigh us down. 

depression. anxiety. insecurity. 

it has been incredible. and it has been confirmation. 

for the past few months, God has really been dealing with me in the area of confidence and contentment in who I am. 

he has freed me from MUCH and brought me healing in areas i never, ever thought i would be healed in.

today i opened my Bible to Matthew 3. (the MSG version, because i was just feelin' it today.)

something struck my heart so hard i just kept reading it. over and over. letting it saturate in my spirit.

"it's your life that must change, not your SKIN!...what counts is your life. Is it green and blossoming? Because if it's deadwood, it goes on the fire. i'm baptizing you here in the river, turning your old life to KINGDOM life. the real action comes next: the main character in this drama (compared to him i'm a mere stagehand)- will ignite the kingdom life within you, a fire within you, the Holy Spirit within you, changing you from the inside out. He's going to clean house- make a clean sweep of your lives. He'll place everything true in it's proper place before God; everything false he'll put out with the trash to be burned."

let's pause. i think if John and I lived during the same time, we would have been BFF'S. i know, i know, this is the paraphrased version, but he was just as straight forward when he was talking to the Pharisees and Sadducees. (trust me, i read it in three other translations, for those of you who don't think the MSG is holy enough. i'll pray for you. kidding, i'm kidding. sort of.)

anyway, JOHN told it like it was. i appreciate that about him. 

God has been speaking to me about character. confidence. security. contentment. 

this series that my pastor has been preaching on has been l i f e changing. 

because, if i'm being vulnerable, and completely honest, insecurity and anxiety and depression have been unrelenting in my life for many, many years. 

until something happened a few months ago that completely changed all of that.


i had something happen to me that left me in an utter and complete desperation for Jesus. a desperation for Him that i had never, EVER experienced before.

i had everything stripped away from me.

my health. my job. my friends. my home. my internship. my future. my finances. 


waking up and realizing that i was no longer in control of ANYTHING in my life ultimately led to complete surrender to Jesus.

all of those things that were my comfort and stability, they were now gone. 

i began to cling to the only thing One I knew would NEVER leave: Jesus.

"for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” d e u t o r o n o m y 31:6

i had no choice, in the past few months, but to stand firm on God's word, His promises, and who He is to me. but mostly, who i am to H i M. because who i am in Him and to Him is TRUTH. and everything else is a lie.

and it is who i am IN HIM that has helped me to overcome the insecurity, depression, and anxiety that the enemy has constantly tried to plague me with. 

for so many years, i battled with not being good enough. smart enough. pretty enough. 

i battled with lies and words spoken over me from a very young age. 

i had things done to me that left me feeling damaged, broken,  and worthless. 

i was not only left feeling ugly because of what had been done to me, but because of things i had done to others. 

i began to let my outer appearance hold more weight than who i was inside. i was empty and left VOiD, because i didn't know JESUS. 

once i met Jesus, his love flooded my heart. but i still struggled with my identity and fitting into culture.

the last few months of my life have been nothing short of some of the hardest of my LIFE.

but they have been the GREATEST. they have been the most trying. but the most TEACHING.

God has strengthened my identity in Him and left me more content than i have EVER felt before.

because in the last few months, i have experienced a confidence that comes from Him alone. 

not in my looks. (because being bed ridden will really take a toll on your self image.)

not in my job. (because i didn't have one.)

not in materialistic things. (because i didn't have a job to provide me with money to buy me those things.)

not in my internship. (because i had to leave it.)

not in my gifts and calling. (because my health left me too paralyzed to use them much.)

no, i have found my confidence and contentment in being a daughter of God and being exactly who He says i am. 

LOVED. CHOSEN. CALLED. FORGiVEN. FREE. BEAUTiFUL. NOBLE. MORE PRECiOUS than RUBiES.

because, as i've experienced lately, all of those other things shift. and change. and can disappear in a moment. but JESUS? He never does. 

honestly, reading this verse in Matthew 3, it shook me to the depths of my core. it brought tears to my eyes and it brought a holy conviction. 

once Jesus changes us, WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO NEVER GO BACK. 

i'd be lying to you if i said i don't think it's easier somedays to fall back into the pit of insecurity, comparison, discontentment and depression.

oh. ya'll. take it from me. it's a BATTLE.

i haven't been running with Jesus long, (3 years, really.) 

but everyday, it's a challenge. 

we HAVE to rebuke the devil. every day.

because every day, he'll tell you, or he'll send someone else to tell you YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. 

it doesn't matter what area of your life he's speaking to. he's gonna do it. 

why? because you have a purpose. you're called. you're an overcomer. and a victor. and should you find ever begin to FIND your freedom and confidence in Christ, you'll just be ANOTHER person building the Kingdom of God and the gates of hell WON'T prevail against it, and the devil can't prevent THAT so he'll try to prevent YOU instead.

let me stay on track here because ya girl is about to go some white girl ghetto and start preaching about how the devil is a LIAR and...yea, let me curb my ADD here. 

it's A BATTLE. but we ALREADY HAVE THE VICTORY.

the victory is in JESUS. i'm gonna say it again. the victory is in JESUS.

the blood. the Word. triumph over death. 

when i read this Scripture today i got goosebumps. 

JESUS IGNITES KINGDOM FIRE WITHIN YOU | THAT MEANS EVERYTHING HE DID, YOU CAN DO TOO. THE DEVIL WILL TELL YOU YOU CAN'T, BUT THAT'S A LIE. THE SAME RESURRECTION POWER THAT ROSE HIM FROM THE GRAVE LIVES IN YOU. 

JESUS IGNITES A FIRE WITHIN YOU | YOU HAVE A CALLING. A PURPOSE. AND THE DEVIL WILL TRY TO TELL YOU EVERYDAY YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO DO IT SO THAT YOU QUIT. BUT YOU'RE NOT A QUITTER. YOU'RE AN OVERCOMER IN JESUS NAME.

JESUS IGNITES THE HOLY SPIRIT WITHIN YOU | YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO FIGHT EVERY ATTACK OF THE ENEMY WITH THE TRUTH OF GOD AND THE POWER OF HIS WORD. EVERY DAY THE DEVIL WILL PUT THOUGHTS IN YOUR HEAD THAT AREN'T OF GOD. YOU TAKE EVERY THOUGHT CAPTIVE AND MAKE IT OBEDIENT TO CHRIST AND WHAT HE SAYS. HIS WORD IS TRUTH. THE HOLY SPIRIT IS GRACE, LOVE AND COMPASSION. CONDEMNATION IS A LIE FROM THE PIT OF HELL. 

JESUS CHANGES YOU FROM THE INSIDE OUT | HE CHANGES YOUR HEART, MIND, AND YOUR CHARACTER. NO LONGER DO YOU NEED TO TRY TO FIT INTO CULTURE. CULTURE CHANGES. IT FADES. NO MORE MASKS. NO MORE FACADES. YOU HAVE FREEDOM TO BE EXACTLY WHO HE MADE YOU. YOUR IDENTITY IS IN HIM. GOD GIVES YOU A NEW HEART. HE MAKES YOU HOLY AND RIGHTEOUS BY HIS BLOOD ALONE AND YOU ARE CLOTHED WITH DIGNITY AND FOUND PURE IN HIM. NO LONGER ARE YOU A CAPTIVE TO OUTWARD APPEARANCE AND COMPARISON. YOU ARE A CO-HEIR AND SON AND DAUGHTER OF THE HIGHEST KING. HIS BEAUTY AND SPLENDOR FAR OUTWEIGHS AND OUTSHINES ANY OUTWARD ATTRACTIVENESS.

JESUS CLEANS HOUSE AND MAKES A CLEAN SWEEP OF YOUR LIVES | HEAR ME. ONCE HE CLEANSES YOU AND WASHES YOU, YOU HAVE PERMISSION TO NEVER GO BACK TO THE PERSON THAT YOU WERE. WHATEVER IT WAS, IT IS NO MORE. HE WASN'T CRUCIFIED SO WE COULD PICK UP OUR SIN AGAIN AND CARRY IT AROUND. IT WAS ONCE. AND IT WAS FOR ALL. YOU HAVE AUTHORITY IN THE NAME OF JESUS TO LET ALL OF THOSE CHAINS, INSECURITIES AND STRUGGLES BREAK OFF OF YOU AND NEVER, EVER PICK THEM BACK UP AGAIN. AND IT'S OKAY IF YOU HAVE DAYS WHERE YOU JUST CAN'T DO THAT. BECAUSE ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS RUN TO JESUS AND SURRENDER THEM. AND IT'S OKAY IF YOU HAVE TO DO IT EVERY DAY. BECAUSE HE'LL TAKE THEM. AND HE WORKS WITH US. AND IT'S A DAILY PROCESS. ALL WE NEED IS TO RUN TO HIM AND FALL AT HIS FEET. HE WILL CLEANSE OUR LIVES EVERY DAY. BECAUSE HE IS JESUS, THE ONE WHO SANCTIFIES US.

JESUS PLACES EVERYTHING TRUE IN IT'S PROPER PLACE | EVERYTHING ELSE FALSE HE'LL PUT OUT WITH TRASH TO BE BURNED. IMAGINE TAKING EVERY STRUGGLE, INSECURITY, LIE, NEGATIVE WORD SPOKEN OVER YOU AND EVERY AWFUL THING THAT'S EVER BEEN DONE TO YOU AND PLACING IT INTO A BLAZING FIRE. NOW IMAGINE, AFTER THE FLAMES HAVE BURNED DOWN EVERY PIECE, RUNNING BACK TO THE ASHES AND PICKING THEM UP AND PIECING THEM BACK TOGETHER AND CARRYING THEM AROUND. HEAR ME. HEAR ME. IF THIS IS THE ONLY THING YOU HEAR FROM THIS, IT'S ENOUGH. JESUS PLACES EVERYTHING TRUE IN IT'S PROPER PLACE. THE HOLY SPIRIT, THE KIND, GRACIOUS, LOVING WORDS THAT YOU HEAR ON YOUR DIFFICULT DAYS, THAT IS TRUTH. THE CONVICTION AND GRACE THAT HE SPEAKS, THAT IS WHAT OUR HEARTS AND MINDS NEED TO BE FILLED WITH. EVERYTHING ELSE IS RIGHTFULLY DESCRIBED AS TRASH AND SHALL BE BURNED. THE LIES AND NEGATIVE THINGS THE DEVIL AND THE PEOPLE HE USES SPEAKS TO US. THE TRUTH IS ALWAYS WRAPPED IN LOVE AND COMPASSION. YOU BELONG TO JESUS. HE HAS ALWAYS BESTOWED A CROWN OF BEAUTY FOR ASHES. ALWAYS. THAT IS TRUTH. THAT CROWN, IT BELONGS ON YOUR HEAD. AND YOUR MIND. AND YOUR HEART.

i cannot sit here today and say that anything in my life, over the past few months,has changed outside of the overwhelming, powerful work of Jesus Christ in my life.

i can say i sit here and reflect on how much Jesus has broken off of me and CHANGED IN MY LIFE. only in Him. only in Him. 

the world will always tell you you're a victim of something.

the devil will always try to make you feel less. to make you look back. 

we will ALWAYS, ALWAYS be placed in situations where we have a choice. 

we can claim the change that Jesus has done in us, or we can slip back down in the pit of what we have always struggled with.

we can run to Jesus and His truth, or we can run away from Him.

we can believe the lie. or we can choose to fight the lie with what we know is truth.

security is found in Him.
He is peace. when we find Jesus, we find peace.
He is truth. when we find truth, we overcome the lies.
He is KiNG of KiNGs. we are His sons + daughters. we are SECURE in Him.

JESUS has changed me. He has given his L i F E, and therefore authority to override the old me. my past. my mistakes. my insecurities and my struggles.

those don't define me anymore. and they don't define you either. 

you can be. you are being. you will be CHANGED. forever. i'm believing it for you. just like somebody believed it for me. in JESUS NAME. 

you are His. you are LOVED. you are called. you are chosen. 

 p r a y i n g for you a l w a y s.

x o x o,


C A i T L i N

a letter to you, Mom, on this Mother's Day.

dear mom,

mothers day is tomorrow. 

people always say "it's such a tough day for people without mothers."

but the truth is...every day without you is painful. 

in the most normal, ordinary of moments and days, my heart grieves losing you. and on my diva, i'm a girl and sometimes i just have one of those "i want to pick up a phone and vent to my mom" days, i long for you. 

tomorrow is just a day where it's a major celebration for mom's everywhere. and as it should be. 

one older "momma" mentor in ministry told me a few years ago, "there is no job in the world like being a mother. perhaps it is the greatest job in all of the world." 

that was y o u. 

you were a mother. and now you're gone.

the past few days, i've been letting the brokenness and the grief of all of the motherless daughters flood my heart. 

it's been overwhelming. 

for some, loss was at a very young age. some abandoned. some from sickness. some for no reason. some, the battle of addiction. 

whatever the reason, whenever it was, you were our mothers. and now, you're gone.

recently, i read an article entitled, "a letter to motherless daughters on mother's day." 

a beautiful, touching article written to every young woman who has lost a mother. 

as i went about the rest of my day, i began to think about you, mom. about the day three years ago when i heard the words, " she's gone. your mother is dead." 

i can flash back to that day and remember every single detail of it. and the following minutes, hours, and days.

without a doubt, the most heart wrenching season of my entire life. 

the saddest days, although, somehow, intricately woven with a surpassing peace only Jesus could provide me.

suddenly, just a few days ago, in the normalcy of my day, i heard the Holy Spirit whisper very, very gently to me: "you are not alone. and you are not motherless." 

i weeped. sitting here as i type i weep.

the very promises tucked away in the Word of God resonating deep in my Spirit, flooding my heart. 

something i have been waiting for, fighting (because i'm your daughter and i'm a little stubborn), running from (because i didn't know i deserved it) and ultimately accepting....because it is what God promised me and desires for me. 

i know it's what you desire for me, too. 

 the walls of a hardened, motherless daughter finally broken. freedom from hurt, betrayal, and isolation.

as you know, and as so many others know, my heart became a hardened shell so many years ago in my young age without you.

i accepted the fact that i had no mother, and therefore, accepted the fact that i was not worthy of accepting of any nurture.

so, i fought. i fought against love, warmth, kindness, and nurture. 

i rejected any "mother" figure in my life. 

thankfully, mom, as you know, Jesus loves us way too much to let us stay where we are.

many, many prayers and the unconditional, trustworthy, unbroken love, grace and mercy of Jesus finally began to invade my heart and wreck me. 

but it wasn't just His love that brought me here.

God, faithful in his promises, has "placed the lonely in families." P S A L M 68:6

he took me and surrounded me by so many loving "mothers."

he comforted me and spoke to the darkest depths of my heart: "there are so many women who can love you and guide you, if you'll let them."

i guess somewhere deep down i thought letting them love me would make YOUR love for me less. 

perhaps, mom, i thought that in letting them be a part of my life, that they would REPLACE you.

as i sit here, i laugh and i weep. because let's be honest, who could ever replace you? 

there was nobody in the world like you, mom. and, like mother like daughter, i'm sure everyone would agree there is nobody in the world like me. 

a few years ago, before you went Home, i found a verse in psalm 27:10: "though my mother and father forsake me, the Lord will take care of me." i held onto it and still do to this day.

i have heard many people say, "it's a VOID that can never be filled." 

but i agree to disagree. 

you and i know that God's love is sufficient for all needs.

He promised to give me women who would love and guide me and ALWAYS direct me back to Jesus. and He has fulfilled. T E N F O L D.

they have, in all honesty, by the grace and compassion of Jesus, loved me back to L i F E.

but they don't fill that V O i D. 

they don't heal the hurt. their words, their love, their grace, their time... it doesn't heal the hurt.

Jesus doesn't even fully fill the void. He never said He would.

mom, if there is one thing i have learned and am beyond thankful for in losing you...it is that it has made me find Jesus more. 

it has given me a broken desperation for Him that i have never experienced before. 

you and i both know He doesn't fully fill the void, because if He did, would i need Him EVERY day? 

no, he doesn't fill it. but He comforts me. D A I L Y.

and oh, how He comforts me. Matthew 5:5 "BLESSED are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." 

the void lingers. 

Jesus doesn't promise the void won't linger, He promises to COMFORT us when it does. 

and does it ever. 

every wedding i see. i think about how you won't be there at mine.

every baby. it brings me back to the thought that if i ever have kids, you won't be there. 

every birthday. because you brought me into the world. 

mother's day. because i wish i could bring you tulips and tell you how much i love you, and would always love you, O N E last time.

when i see a cookbook. when i watch the red Sox. when i see tulips. ladybugs. watermelons. every time my mouth opens and i hear that loud, boisterous,authentic laugh, the one that comes directly from you. my obsession with blue cheese and target. when i see a woman pick up a woman's world magazine. those silly corn on the cob holders that you were obsessed with. cold cans of diet coke. and every time i see kids in beautiful, matching outfits, because let's face it: YOU WERE THE MASTER! 

the truth is, the thought of you lingers around me, constantly. and in every of those moments, Jesus is faithful to BE there. to COMFORT. 

BUT the truth is, the void is slowly filled each moment and each day by the memories we shared. 

the most ordinary of days, wandering through consignment shops and thrift stores. watching home videos at nana's, eating our favorites from Zaxby's.riding the train at Tannehill and taking pictures. stocking up on cookies at Ruby Tuesday. falling, arm in arm at an altar together and confessing our belief, need, forgiveness and LOVE in our Jesus. you, being the very first one, (with your supermom power, without me telling you), to congratulate me on Highlands College. you. my Mother, telling me you knew i was MADE for ministry. 

these things fill my void, little by little. each day i choose to remember the good memories. the sweet, precious mother daughter moments that far outweigh any of the bad that happened during the 24 years you were my M O T H E R.

so tomorrow, mom, and E V E R Y D A Y after that, i will continue to hold on and remember our memories. i will thank God for the moments that you and Him creatively decide to speak down from Heaven to me, in way of a ladybug, a yellow butterfly, or a field of tulips.


because the truth is, you're at Home with your Father. you are at peace. you are not battling. you are W H O L E and W H O L E Y loved.

and until the day i see YOU again, i will choose to find pieces of you every day until then. 

i pray that i would honor and carry your legacy everyday. i pray that i am making you proud and that you are in awe at what the Lord has done in my life & what He has called me to do. i pray that you would be proud of the bold, fearless, and confident daughter that i have become. lastly, i pray that in every way i would honor your life, and gracefully share our story, in hopes that it will bring freedom to women; young and old, who have experienced the same. only and all to give God the glory and advance His Kingdom. thank you for bringing me into this world and into this family. i LOVE YOU. 

a very happy Mother's day to you, Momma. i will see you again, soon. 

X O X O,

C A b O O

*i want to wish a very Happy Mother's Day to all of the women God has intricately placed in my life to be my "moms." i couldn't have chosen any better. you have helped to heal me, shape me, love me, grow & develop me. you have NEVER given up on me! my mother is proud and blessed that i am in your care, under your wings, and am loved by you. Today and everyday, i honor you and T H A N K you. Happy Mother's day to Antoinette Sands, Aunt Wendy, Aunt Charlotte, Momma Larson, Tracie Amsted, Mia, Nicole LaRue, Emily Vazquez. I love you ALL!*