it's quite simple, actually. quite the opposite.
a simple reminder that God himself whispered to me a few day ago.
it's been several months on this journey of healing for me.
after months of my health deteriorating, with only misdiagnosis from my doctors, i prayed for an answer as to what was going on.
they told me i had endometriosis. complex ovarian cysts. chronic fatigue syndrome. anxiety. depression. GI issues. that it was all in my head. that i would never be able to have children.
i couldn't sleep. i couldn't eat. most days i could barely make it out of bed. i hit a wall. i thought i had cancer. i thought i was dying. i feared every day because nobody could tell me what was wrong.
less than a month later, after my Pastor prayed specifically for one, God gave me an answer. it was a miracle all in itself, because most people don't receive a concrete, blood test diagnosis for 2 years, sometimes longer, sometimes, they never do. i remember crying tears of JOY.
GOD ANSWERED.
so i started treatment for lyme disease that had been spreading in my body for seven months. i tested positive for a co infection, bartonella, and an active, reduplicating strand of epstein barr virus (otherwise known as chronic mono), and would later be diagnosed with ANOTHER co-infection, babesia.
i moved back to Boston for treatment because nobody will diagnosis or treat lyme disease in Birmingham.
let's fast forward 2 1/2 months to today.
i can't describe this season as anything other than a roller coaster.
every day is drastically different from the one before.
sometimes, i feel good and i CHERISH those days.
honestly, there is nothing like a chronic illness to make you realize just how much you take for granted.
others days, i can't even get out of bed.those are the bad days. those are the harder days.
one of my sister who has been battling the same thing, for much longer than i have, said to me yesterday in the midst of my frustration, "it's kinda how it goes, ya know. up and down. up and down."
she spoke those words to me after i responded to her asking how i was feeling.
lately, when people ask me that, i almost instantly collapse into a pile of tears. truly, it's easier to not have to answer.
honestly, the past three days have left me more discouraged than i've ever felt.
see, i started treatment and the first few weeks i felt really, really bad. which is normal, (despite what you may think), getting worse is to be expected. your body is reacting to the medicine and it goes into shock. this is called herxing, and it is a terrifying experience. if you don't start to feel worse, it's a bad sign.
i can do this, i said to myself, because if i feel this bad now, it can only get better. me feeling bad is a GOOD sign (as twisted as it seems.)
and surely, it did begin to get better. it took a WHILE- but i began to have more consistent days in a row where i felt okay. and then, actually, to my surprise, days where i felt GOOD.
i am so thankful for those days.
and before i knew it, some of my symptoms began to slowly disappear. and i wasn't complaining of being tired all of the time. AND I WAS ACTIVE! and HAVING A LIFE! and i felt NORMAL!
and then, all of a sudden, just like that...
in crept all of my old symptoms. with a vengeance. fatigue. foot pain. body aches. tremors. insomnia. nausea. ear pain. migraines. vision trouble.
in ONE second, everything changed back.
JUST. LIKE. THAT.
i sat quietly crying in my room to myself yesterday. (yes, i know, it's depressing. but i'm a GIRL. sometimes a girl needs a good cry, can i get a good AMEN?!) p.s. if you're a girl and you don't agree, something's wrong with you.
i just begin to speak softly (this is another joke - everyone knows I'm the loudest human on earth...) "God, is this a joke? when i feel like my foundation is finally solid, i begin to slip and fall AGAIN. it shifts AGAIN. up and down and up and down...is this really going to be my life?"
He didn't waste any time responding to me, but of course, in typical GOD fashion, He answered my question with a question.
can we just pause and talk about how irritating it is when somebody answers your question with a question? like, really guys. it makes me almost lose my Christianity on someone and wanna go ghetto yankee white girl hood on THEM.
for instance, you ask a friend : "what do you think?"
and they respond with: "well, what do YOU think?"
this is MY THOUGHT PROCESS: I JUST ASKED YOU THAT SAME QUESTION! ANSWER IT! just because you put more emphasis on pronouncing your "YOU" so it sounds different doesn't ACTUALLY make it different!
of course, thankfully i have more reverence for God and so He spoke:
"what is your foundation?"
i had a dramatic moment here. and for those of you who know me, i'm not dramatic. at all. most laid back human being you'll ever meet. (totally kidding, everyone who knows me is rolling their eyes right now and so is everybody up in the T R i N i T Y because NOBODY knows me better than they do...)
(picture this visually, with lots of hand gestures and hair flipping and it will make you laugh...)
"GOD! I'm sitting here in my room, POURING my heart out to you, crying before you, talking to you, asking you...and you want to ask me a QUESTION?! THAT question? of course you know the answer! God, of course YOU ARE my foundation!"
ok, get ready for some straight up HOLY ROLLER JESUS JUKE because ya'll wanna know how he answered?
"you just said your foundation was shifting and changing. that you were slipping and falling. that it was up and down. surely, i'm not your foundation. I DON'T SHIFT. I AM CONSTANT."
doesn't it burn your eyes even reading it?
yea, guys, i'm pretty tough, but i'm not going to lie, that struck me a bit hard too.
c o n v i c t i o n. immediately.
as soon as i heard the words, i began to repent.
i didn't feel condemned, i didn't feel selfish, i didn't feel stupid. | THAT'S NOT WHO OUR GOD IS.
i just simply had forgotten WHO and WHAT my foundation was.
and here He was, in utmost grace, gently reminding me.
let's take a moment and reflect on how cool He is. God, Creator of the Heavens and the Earth, and here He is, gently and gracefully, like the PATIENT Father He is, reminding His daughter of what she has forgotten. He's so cool.
i left that conversation with one word replaying over and over and over in my head.
C O N S T A N T. in case you guessed if i was gonna define it, of course i am, because i'm studying to be pastor and that's just what we DO, like, that's how i ROLL.
unceasing. persistent. unswerving in love and devotion.
and my FINAL, FAVORITE:
something that cannot change or vary.
so, i just began reflecting on the last several months of my life.
has God really, TRULY been my foundation?
it's easy to just say YES. it's harder to admit that we place other things before him.
we become comfortable. so a good doctors report becomes what i place my hope in. several good days. more hope. and before i know it, my hope is plucked out of my Father's hands, where it rightfully belongs, by me...and put where it will ultimately let me down.
without noticing it, i began to put my hope, faith and trust in my physical health and how i was feeling.
but when that started to shift, when i started to get worse, i began to slip and fall. WHY?
i became unsteady because what had become my FOUNDATION was not UNSHAKABLE.
there is only ONE constant. ONE unmoved. ONE UNSHAKABLE. ONE TRUE FOUNDATION.
and everything else is going to FAiL. hands down. | that's the truth. and everyone reading this needs to know it. JESUS is our CONSTANT. our FOUNDATION.
just because EVERYTHING ELSE around is is changing, shifting, up, and down doesn't mean WE DO WITH IT.
what was that verse in john 16:33 | i'm sure you have it hanging on your refrigerator, (just kidding- it's totally not that kind of verse)
"i have told you these things, so that IN me you may have peace. in the world you WILL have trouble- but take heart, i have overcome the world."
actually, it should be a reminder for all of us- DAILY. we will have trouble. but JESUS, our CONSTANT, has overcome.
His love is constant. His healing is constant. His grace is constant. His word is constant. e v e r y t h i n g He does is constant.
He is the same. yesterday. today. forever. | hebrews 13:8
see, right now, there is no end in sight for this disease going away, immediately. I trust, hope and believe that Jesus is sovereign and He is at work, working out my HEALING. but, right now - this is what is happening in my body and in my life.
it is shifting and changing.
and no matter what, things always will be. it doesn't matter WHAT it is, there will always be TROUBLE. there will always be PAIN. there will always be TRIALS.
but what we have to realize is that there will ALWAYS be something greater: JESUS.
things change. He doesn't.
seasons change. the Savior doesn't.
i simply needed to be reminded that when everything else feels CRAZY out of control, like a roller coaster, one day up, the next day down, there is my Jesus - persistent. unceasing.
to answer my own question- my life is what i will make of it. i make a choice to pick Jesus. every day. despite grim circumstances. despite bad news.
because every day we HAVE a choice. we can choose to let the enemy win, and live in defeat.
or | we cling to Jesus and claim His constant presence and goodness in our lives | NO MATTER WHAT IT MAY LOOK LIKE.
i'm not sure where you're at right now.
but i'm just here to remind you that Jesus is constant. and maybe you need to know that. maybe, you need to realign things in your life and shift your H O P E to Him.
maybe, you need to know that even though everything is changing around you, that isn't intimidating to God.
He is sovereign and He is unable to change, even if He tried.
let it sink in.
let it sink in again.
and again.
let his Word permeate your spirit.
have hope in His promises.
have hope in the constant. Jesus.
"He will not let your foot slip-- he who watches over you will not slumber" | psalm 121:3
"Our lives are in his hands, and he keeps our feet from stumbling." | psalm 66:9
"when i said, "my foot is slipping", your unfailing love, Lord, supported me." | psalm 94:18
let us take a lesson from our Savior. God, help us to be constant in our faith in you. no matter what it looks like, Father, would you help us to be unceasing in our trust and hope in you. help us to be unswerving in our L O V E towards you, Jesus. we give it all to you. trusting that you'll make something beautiful. <3
until next time-
x o x o,
C A i T L i N
