but that's not how i remember her. and that's not why she changed my life.
i had been struggling to grasp the concept of WHAT exactly God sees when He looks at me.
And how He feels when He sees me.
And sometimes, if He sees me at ALL.
And other times, WHO He sees when He looks at me.
the months leading up to this were EXTREMELY difficult.
to go further, i'd dare say they were a few of the hardest months i had ever endured.
i had let people down.
i had felt invalidated by some, completely disliked by others.
others, i had disappointed.
i began to let these views, these opinions, the labels and words placed on me seep deep within my Spirit and CRiPPLE me.
"the human spirit can endure in sickness, but a c r u s h e d spirit who can bear?"
|| p r o v e r b s 18:14 ||
if that person doesn't like me, i must not be a good person.
i let that person down, so that means i let God down.
if they're disappointed in me, then surely, GOD is.
and then there's the most dangerous of ALL:
if that person said it, it MUST be true.
it's like this, plain and simple: i let other people's opinions begin to i N V A L i D A T E me.
even worse, i began to let them INVALIDATE my relationship with my Daddy.
the Lord is gracious and kind, but i like to think that even in His long-suffering towards us, He slaps us in the face to wake us up sometimes.
ok. maybe He doesn't slap you in the face.
but there are times when i can be a little ridiculous. and a little feisty. and a little sassy. (GASP.)
(if you know me at all, then you're shaking your head with a resounding, "YES." and if you don't know me, then stop judging me! HA!)
and it's in these times that i am confident the Lord sends us somebody to confirm His truth in our lives.
but the truth is, my Daddy knows me better than anybody else. and He always knows exactly what we need…ALWAYS.
as a typical writer and as a bearer of the Gospel, i am always looking up the definition of words when i write. i am fascinated by what they mean.
the definition of long- suffering is pretty self explanatory. but i found one version that i just love.
- to suffer long with, in all of our dealings.-
i started to tear up when i read this.
in ALL of our dealings.
that means, no matter how many times we grieve Him by losing ourselves in others opinions and reviews, (because let's face it, it happens every day) He isn't frustrated with us.
He is, rather, right by our side, patiently walking with us, constantly sending us confirmation of the truth of His word.
i was sitting in the office where i intern just last week.
i had met a girl around my age who had just been admitted into the Christian drug rehabilitation program from prison a few months before. i sat and chatted with her over coffee, waiting for the new girls who were being admitted to arrive.
these women- of all ages were coming from all over, draped in addiction, soaked in the lies of the world around them, entangled in the bondage from the pit of the accuser of this world, struggling to get free.
(luckily, Jesus is in the business of delivering, healing and restoring HIS children!)
"so if the Son sets you free, you will be free iNDEED!"
john 8:36
this girl, who i'll keep unnamed, began to talk about how God had shown her grace, forgiveness, and had mercy on her. she talked about receiving Jesus as her Savior and how incredibly close she had grown to Him during her time in prison.
talk about a place to be free! i bet that gut punched the devil REAL good.
the conversation led to all different places, with several interruptions…
it finally led to how she ended up in jail, and what drug she had become addicted to…
which led to something she said that led me to the greatest revelation i've ever had in my short 27 years of life.
"i met a guy and we started dealing meth. soon after i became addicted. i couldn't live without it."
i responded, "wow, meth. really?"
"yeah. wow, you sound surprised. i mean, can't you tell i've been on meth? don't i look like a meth addict?"
i paused.
"no, actually. never once, sitting here during our conversation did i ever think you looked like a meth addict."
"sometimes, when i look in the mirror, all i can see is a meth addict. i mean, i know i belong to God now but sometimes it's all I can see. i guess it's because that's all i've ever been told i was."
in this moment: two things happened.
first, i got the chance to be a voice of TRUTH to this young girl.
second, in the moment of me affirming the truth to her, and pointing her back to her true identity in Christ, the Holy Spirit graciously began to point ME back as well.
"ok, Caitlin, you do realize that every word you're speaking to her right now about her identity rings true in your life as well, right?"
i love gentle slaps from the Holy Spirit. Our relationship is too cool.
i paused for a second to consider this.
and then truly, gently, and boldly, i heard a whisper…
"none of God's children differ in the area of His grace. to go even further, NONE of HIS children differ when it comes to the truth of His WORD. His GRACE- It is SUFFICIENT for all and it COVERS all. His word and truth apply to ALL. You can't speak the truth to this girl and then refuse to believe it applies and covers you in your own life."
um, hello Jesus.
see, i was shocked that this girl could even look at herself in the mirror and see anything other than what God said, because Jesus radiated from her.
she was a walking vessel of His grace, His purpose, His glory.
and yet, because she believed people's words and opinions and began speaking them out loud, the enemy had created a lie and a stronghold in her mind and was tarnishing her own reflection.
and yet, here i was, on a completely different path in life, although i had been in similar places as her, hearing the same lies from the same accuser.
"you're not worth anything. this is all you are. what people say is true and that's all that matters."
the truth for you and i is- we have made a decision for Jesus and are walking on the path of righteousness, regardless of anybody else's thoughts or OPINIONS.
…the truth is that when we need to hear the TRUTH about our inequities, mistakes, faults or flaws…
people will speak it to us with L O V E and C O M P A S S i O N.
this doesn't mean it will always be passive, it doesn't even mean that it won't hurt to hear…
but what it DOES mean is that the FOCUS won't be on our BAD BEHAVIOR, but will ALWAYS point us back to who we are striving to be in Christ.
if words are condemning and hateful, it is NOT the TRUTH and it is only a tactic from the enemy to distract us and keep us from persevering in Christ.
this girl: she BELONGED to Jesus now. i belong to Jesus. WE belong to JESUS now.
And if we belong to Jesus…
and Jesus is the word in flesh…
and the word is TRUTH…
then we are EVERYTHING the Word says.
and nothing else.
we are EVERYTHING and ALL HE says we are.
if He is righteousness, we are righteousness.
if He is truth, we are secure in it.
if He is LiGHT, we carry it wherever we go.
if He is FREEDOM, then we live in His freedom.
if we carry His spirit, then we are everything He is.
if we are covered in His blood, then that blood covers it ALL.
if His word says He delights in us, we are delighted in.
if God calls us sons and daughters, we are.
if He says we are more precious than rubies, we are.
if he says we are longer condemned, we ARE NO LONGER CONDEMNED.
there in this room i sat, across from this girl, preaching fire down from Heaven about her worth and God's truth.
and yet, the past few months, i had shrunk in my relationship with God because i didn't feel worthy or righteous enough to approach Him or believe the words that He speaks and sings over ME.
Caitlin.
His daughter.
and before i knew it, the Holy Spirit began to answer the very questions at the beginning of this post.
you want to know what your Daddy sees when He looks at you?
JESUS. // And since we are his children, we are his heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God's glory. But if we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering. // r o m a n s 8:17
you want to know how He feels when He sees you? // delighted. it is His joy to look at His children who are devoted to Him.
// He rescued me because He delights in me // p s a l m 18:19
And sometimes, if He sees me at ALL. // When the LORD looks down from heaven, he observes every human being. // p s a l m 33:13
And other times, WHO He sees when He looks at me. // He sees us as righteous and holy. // "And to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” e p h e s i a n s 4:24
tonight, i am thankful for a loving Father who sends us just what we need at just the right time…
a reminder of a true reflection.
xoxo,
C A i T L i N
