i attended a woman's conference at highlands at the end of september....the end of the first month of my semester at Highlands college.
it changed my perspective. it revived me. it left me FULL. of J O Y.
and full of H O P E.
most importantly, it FiLLED me with a BURNiNG DESiRE to go. and DO.
i always think i'm going to forget whatever i learn or feel or moments that i encounter, so i cloud my MAC with sticky notes of my thoughts.
it's funny.
i'm quirky, i know.
i was scrolling through this just a couple days ago and the Holy Spirit prompted me to dig through my stickies and i came across my thoughts from the night recreate ended.
it's so much fun to go back and read how satisfied by Jesus and in love with the Lord i truly was.
the words i wrote were powerful. i am confident that every single word, sentence, blog, paper i write...
the Holy Spirit is writing through me. i am talentless and truly...
NOTHiNG without His presence. and His wisdom.
anyway, i'm scrolling through what i had written and my words are so fully written filled with emotion, feeling, excitement, realness and raw openness.
i have felt, since i started writing when i was younger, to always be open.
when i was called by the Lord to step into ministry and fulfill my calling, He spoke very clearly to me one night, whispering into my ear: "i have called you not to shy away from who you are. i have called you to be open, to be real, to be raw. people need brokenness, people need openness to see ME."
this was hard for me. be vulnerable? be real? be broken? how?
i got my answer from the Holy Spirit not soon after that.
i am called to follow Christ and live a life in His image. God urged this profound thought into my head...
How could you be vulnerable? Wasn't my SON the ultimate example of vulnerability when He was C R U C I F I E D, naked, shamed, embarrassed, on a cross for you?
Didn't He show you REAL love by giving up His life, even though it was pure and blameless and He was my son...wasn't He the ultimate definition of REAL? He suffered. Willingly. Openly. For YOU.
DON'T you take communion and eat a wafer that signifies His BODY...
BROKEN...for you?
ultimate conviction began to set in.
since then, and i will openly admit, it has been challenging, a struggle, and made me want to quit at times....but i vowed that day to always bring that openness to anybody that the Lord sends my way...
only to bring glory to H i S name.
back to recreate.
you see, i don't think it's any mistake that i was placed at Highlands. in Highlands College. the oldest YOUNG woman there. no, i don't think it's a mistake. in fact, it's DiViNE.
pastor Chris said it like this and it GRIPPED ME.
GOD is FAITHFUL...
to deliver.
to heal.
to restore.
to answer.
that's not what he said that caught my attention.
it's what the Holy Spirit spoke through him just after those words;
HE ALWAYS HAS. HE ALWAYS WILL. HE WILL CONTINUE.
you see, it's almost been a year since i lost my sweet momma to an addiction that is straight from hell.
but oh, have i let the lie and attack of the enemy keep hold of me all this time.
i have doubted Him. His presence. His promise. His faithfulness.
what i have doubted most, though...
is His POWER.
i'm being brutally honest. and transparent. but somebody needs it. somebody who will read this.
somebody, somewhere, is letting sorrow overcome them. fighting, daily. and feeling like they are LOSiNG.
there is good news. and ONLY good news.
as my eyes flooded with tears, and more tears, and then even more tears, and then finally...well, even MORE tears...
here came the refreshing breath of fresh AiR from my beautifully faithful FATHER in Heaven...
"DAUGHTER....I AM NOT ONE TO HEAL IN ONE AREA OF YOUR LIFE AND LEAVE YOU HANGING, STRUGGLING, LIFELESS IN ANOTHER. WHEN I GAVE MY SON TO BE CRUCIFIED, HANGING ON A CROSS FOR YOU...I DIDN'T PICK AND CHOOSE WHAT TO SET YOU FREE FROM. "
THE VOICE OF JESUS ECHOED...HIS ARMS AROUND ME...
HIS PRECIOUS DAUGHTER, CLINGING TO HIM...
"I DIED...TO SET YOU FREE FROM ALL."
there it was. OVERPOWERING me.
JESUS. PAID. IT. ALL.
JESUS. PAID. IT. ALL.
JESUS. PAID. IT. ALL.
it was there in the theater of Church of the Highlands that weekend...the Lord began to uncover things to me in a new light. HE SHED A NEW LIGHT. AND oh, was has He been EVER at work in me since that weekend.
father, forgive me. for not trusting you. for ignoring you. for feeling helpless. alone. and abandoned by you. forgive me for my lack of trust. my lack of faith. my dissatisfaction from my circumstances.
YOU ARE MORE THAN ENOUGH.
SiNCE the day i MET JESUS, i have claimed GENESiS 50:20 over my life.
i remember the first time i ever laid eyes on that verse.
it was incredible.
i FELT His voice for the first time that day. His word came ALiVE to me that day.
There was my promise...written in His word.
my life verse...THERE IT JUMPED OFF THE PAGE AND INTO MY HEART.
<3
embarrassed, almost to the point of laughing, i began talking to myself inside of my head.
what the enemy intends for evil, God uses for good.
drugs. abuse. depression. death. lying. self harm. hate. anger. unforgiveness. brokenness. bitterness.
i literally began to laugh.
God had RESCUED me from the PiT OF HELL.
i mean, HELL.
He had protected me in the DARKEST places. when i not only..didn't know Him, i hated Him and rebelled against HIM.
not only that...
i sat there thinking of all of the promises that my DADDY has made to me in His word. HE does not leave ONE out.
ROMANS 8:28.
why, then, did i doubt...THAT NOT ONLY DOES HE HAVE THE POWER...
but..HE MAKES A PROMISE TO USE IT FOR GOOD AND FOR THE SAVING OF MANY LIVES?!
you see, Pastor Chris lost 3 parents in 15 months. and he spoke on it at this conference.
this goes back to me being divinely placed at HiGHLANDS.
i am there because GOD has planted me there. He needs me to hear His Holy Spirit through what is being taught there.
and oh, did i hear at this conference.
you see, the moment i heard Pastor Chris talk about losing 3 parents in 15 months, it clicked.
hearing him speak those words at that conference, they saved my life. He is fulfilling his own GENESiS 50:20.
AND THERE, God showed me...why i endure the things i ENDURE.
to turn bad from good. to save many lives.
you see, he had a choice. and here at this conference, the Spirit spoke to me...
you have a choice.
what, what do you choose?
DOES THE ENEMY WIN?
OR DO YOU CLING TO THE POWER OF PROMISE OF GOD AND BELIEVE...
THAT IT HAS ALREADY BEEN WON?
it has been won. it has been won. it has been won.
you see, the enemy hates me. he hates me!
he wants nothing more than to destroy me.
because by destroying me, he destroys MANY LIVES.
HE DESTROYS THE MINISTRY THAT GOD HAS ENTRUSTED ME.
HE WINS.
over the past few months, i have let SORROW overcome me.
i have given up.
i have been faithless.
i have been afraid, angry and confused.
because of the greatest victory, my SAVIOR who sits at the right hand of God...
i have a calling...a purpose...a ministry...a LIFE TO LIVE...
a LIFE TO LIVE TO SAVE LIVES.
TO GLORIFY GOD.
TO PRAISE HIS NAME.
TO LIVE CHRISTLIKE IN EVERY WAY.
TO WALK VICTORIOUSLY.
BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY...
i have the courage, the boldness, and walk in FEARLESSNESS TO STAND UP TO THE ENEMY AND SAY NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
there are people who need you, said the Holy SPiRiT.
they are waiting, GOD says.
you have been elected, JESUS PROCLAIMS.
HOW could i slip and let the enemy even think He has the SLIGHTEST CHANCE to destroy me?!
they NEED ME. they NEED ME. they NEED ME.
the past 10 months, ever so slightly, but sneaky...the enemy has kept bondage around that "ONE" thing...i just could't let go of.
the "one" thing...the "huge" thing...the "one" area that God couldn't possibly touch, heal or restore.
the death of my mother.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
JESUS DIED FOR THAT TOO.
HE KNEW.
HE HAD ME IN MIND.
GOD IS BIGGER. THAN DEATH.
JESUS CONQUERED THE GRAVE.
HE CONQUERED DEATH.
NOW, I SPEAK FEARLESSLY TO THE DEVIL:
I WIN. THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE IS AT WORK IN ME. HE FIGHTS FOR ME. HE LOVES ME. I TRUST HIM. I LOVE HIM. HE LOVES ME. I WILL FULFILL MY PURPOSE. HE WILL TURN ALL YOUR BAD....FOR GOOD. LIVES WILL BE SAVED. AND GOD WILL BE GLORIFED. AND YOU, YOU, DEVIL, WELL...YOU LOSE! YOU LOSE. YOU HAVE NO HOLD OVER ME. YOU WILL NOT KEEP ME IN BONDAGE. I AM FREE. I AM FREE. I AM FREE. in JESUS name, i AM FREE! JESUS FOREVER. JESUS FOREVER. JESUS FOREVER. OH, HOW I LOVE YOU JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!
let every breath i take PRAISE THE LORD.
oh, and just one more WiN for me...my sweet mother, who the enemy kept in bondage...
is no longer in pain. she no longer suffers. she no longer battles the enemy DAILY.
and oh, do i miss her.
we ALL MISS HER! VOID is normal. GRIEF is normal.
and while weeping endures for the night...
JOY comes in the morning...
she is rejoicing in Heaven...at the feet of her SAVIOR. free forever. loved forever. ETERNITY with HIM.
H A L L E L U J A H.
i will battle. i will fight. i run this race.
i choose to praise. i choose to trust. i choose to look to the Heavens.
i choose to win. i choose to win. i choose to win.
oh, what a crazy life this is!
sweet. precious. a treasure. a gift.
thank you JESUS...
for RECREATING ME. A NEW HEART. A NEW LIFE. A NEW CREATION.
thank you, LORD.
for CHOOSING ME.
my life in your hands. my heart in your hands. my yesterday in your hands. my tomorrow...
in YOUR HANDS.
X O X O,
C A I T L I N.
