since this blog is following the transformation of my heart through what seems like utter destruction, a bad nightmare, unexplainable pain and a roller coaster of emotion...
it's about time i actually wrote...about love. the human heart. agape love. what keeps every single person on Earth going.
proverbs 4:23
"ABOVE all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."
i thought i knew what L O V E was.
i had my own ideas on "it." and honestly, i learned to despise it. to hate it. to
mock it. to fear it. and ultimately, to RUN from it.
parents are supposed to LOVE you, unconditionally.
a mother carries a child in her womb as you form. THAT is supposed to be an unbreakable bond.
a father is supposed to love. respect. guide. protect. a FATHER is an essential relationship to have in your life. without it, many deter. they are left voided. confused. empty. lost.
heartbreak and pain exist. abandonment clouds so many hearts. darkness and brokeness loom inside of so many.
desperation led me to search for love everywhere i could.
MEN:
where i searched
for it hopelessly.
DRUGS:
where i ran to escape my lack of it.
self harm:
what i did because i had never felt true love.
i'm keeping this one short, sweet, and simple.
people think because you find God, you automatically find love.
and that's true. GOD is LOVE.
but it's not an overnight thing. it takes time to let Jesus in, and cleanse your heart.
it's a journey. sometimes, it's a minute by minute, day by day thing.
the only thing we as humans can ever really depend on is the unfailing, everlasting, eternal love of CHRiST.
it's taken more than 2 years for me to accept this reality.
it's took 23 years for me to ever FiND it.
the Lord didn't create us to live in a dark, loveless world.
He didn't create us to be alone.
He didn't create us to drown in heartbreak.
He didn't create us to be clouded with pain.
you see, over these months, i've run to God to heal my pain and loss. trusted His plans, and have believed Him to be sovereign over my life. i have had faith, when i have seen nothing but clouds.
but several times, i have forgotten the most simple, yet amazing trait of who HE is.
L O V E!
God shows us in the purest of ways, every single day, just how much He loves us.
how selfish to be consumed with every other thing in the world, yet ignore His constant love letters He is putting in our daily lives.
a beautiful sunset. a letter, or a phone call from a friend or family member. a rainstorm. an answered prayer. an unanswered prayer. a SMILE. a tear.
his love is everywhere.
J E S U S C H R I S T I S L O V E...
mighty! powerful! breathtaking! gracious!
WHOLE, TRUE, EVERLASTING.
fulfilling, compelling, UNSELFISH.
Jesus. Love. True Love.
we all need to be reminded of how amazing His love is. and how it will never fail us, when often everything in the world will.
self admittedly, in the midst of pain, grief and heartache, lately...
i have forgotten. simply. who He is.
Love covers everything. HIS love covers all.
How marvelous! What a lovely reminder.
there is nothing we could ever do to be worthy of it, yet he pours it upon us.
tonight, i'm letting this sink in. my daddy, the Creator of Heavens and Earth wants nothing more than to lavish His love on me.
just a reminder for everybody who, at some point, is going to feel so alone, and unloved...
while there may be some times where you feel everybody is turning away from you, hurting you, or betraying you...
consider the arms of God...
He is the most trusted place ONE to run to.
MIGHTY. HOLY. PURE. PERFECT.
HiS faithful love endures forever.
HiS faithful love endures forever.
HiS faithful love endures forever.
Never forget.
xoxo,
caitlin.
i'm being fueled to write tonight by some news i received just last week.
let me be clear. this is not to be a man bashing post. this is not hating on my ex, blaming him, or living in unforgiveness. this is a HUGE part of my story and was a part of my life that is and always will be essential to my testimony.
HERE GOES.
LOVE.
it's a word that's overused. it's a word that many people don't really know the definition of. it's a word that some people run from, because they tie it only to heartbreak and pain. and it's a word some people use way too loosely.
Some WiN.
Some LOSE.
Some never EXPERiENCE iT.
you know, honestly, i don't want to write this blog. but i was begging all day for the Lord to give me something passionate to write about. and boy, did He answer.
i was having a conversation earlier with a friend. we were talking about Gods plans for us, and how we can't wait to experience and live out His will for our life.
He said one thing. and in a matter of seconds, things changed. and i was prompted by the Holy Spirit to write.
"as long as you don't hold anything back and let God speak through you, you become the most powerful person in the room."
Don't hold anything back. Hmmmm.
as a yankee, and somebody whose fairly straight to the point, it should be easy for me to let it all out. Lord knows I do sometimes.
but sometimes, when its my life, when it's my heart, when they're my feelings that are laid at the cross and i am summoned to become vulnerable, i don't like it very much.
and then i think about how somebody could be touched by God in a way they could've never imagined without somebody else's story.
somebody else's struggles.
somebody else's pain.
So, after a few minutes of arguing with God, major conviction by the Holy Spirit, and about an hour of pacing around, here they are.
My thoughts. my REAL thoughts.
My feelings. my TRUE feelings.
My words...to the BEST of my ABiLiTY.
i'm gonna be honest.
after i got saved, i still didn't really know what L O V E was.
i thought i did.
i began to date a guy before i was saved. He took me to church, got me involved with a ministry, he took a chance on me.
in my head, i couldn't believe somebody who was such a great guy would take a chance on me.
without me knowing, the enemy started lying to me.
i became entangled and infatuated with him. he was the greatest thing in my life. the best thing to ever happen to me.
over several months, that infatuation began to turn into love. on my end.
i truly loved him in every way i could.
i did everything i could to make him happy.
i was compassionate, faithful, loving.
honest, open, and genuine.
i let him in, i let him in and told him my deepest darkest secrets.
my greatest fears.
my failures.
my hurts and my pains.
my past.
i was an open book.
i started putting all of my trust and faith in him. instead of God. i started to believe that he would never hurt me.
the greatest thing the enemy could ever do is keep you from focusing on the Lord.
and...he got me there. my focus was all on this BOY.
needless to say...when it all begun to unravel,
my heart was S H A T T E R E D.
to PiECES.
i had been open and honest, he had done nothing but lie to me.
i was faithful, he was unfaithful.
i was loving and supportive, he began to tear me down emotionally and mentally.
i had let him in, been vulnerable, shared my deepest darkest secrets with him.
he used my weaknesses and my past as ammunition.
there i sat. a year and a half of torment. lies. back and forth. emptiness. brokeness. untrust. heartache. PAiN. abuse. anger. bitterness.
to be honest, none of what he did to me ever hurt me more than him constantly telling me, "i love you more than anything, you are my world, i will never leave. i will wait for you. i love you. i love you. i love you."
IT WAS THE BEGGING. THE PLEADING. THE CHASE. THE UNRELENTING ATTEMPTS AT TRYING TO GET MY HEART BACK.
the unrelenting attempts at trying to get my heart back.
in one moment, it all had been broken. i couldn't understand why he couldn't leave me alone. the only thing i knew to say was, "you don't love me. you don't even know what true love is."
and one day, back in december of 2011, a soul tie was broken between two people in the power of prayer and the ALMIGHTY PRESENCE of the Lord. and it began to dawn on me...
i didn't really know what true LOVE was either.
you see all this time, this boy was telling me he loved me. that he would wait for me. that there would never be anybody else for him and that i was IT. through trials and heartache and brokeness and a time of extreme grief, there he was. reaching out, unrelentingly desperate to get my heart back.
just last week, i found out he's engaged.
there it was. a stronghold the enemy placed in my mind. my emotions were weakened, my heart, already broken, was easier to shatter.
the past year and a half flashed in my head.
don't be fooled. i was ANGRY. i was SAD. i was infuriated. i felt betrayed. foolish. and alone.
after hours of pacing, yelling, screaming, going over and over in my head how anybody could possibly inflict so much pain on one person, WILLINGLY - i came to an overwhelming peace. and my questions were answered quietly by my Father in Heaven.
not exactly in a way that i wanted to hear, but the truth.
THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH.
You see, I put all of my faith and trust in a boy. in a human.
i turned over the keys to my heart to somebody who could never truly fulfill me.
i was being faithful, but not to the one i should have been faithful to.
i was in love, but not with somebody who promised to unfailingly love me, and never break my heart.
HERE'S THE POiNT.
it may sound cliche to say that God is the only one who will ever love you with an everlasting, true, unfailing, perfect love...
but it's TRUE.
it wasn't until i had nobody else to depend on but Him that i REALiZED...
HE is ALL i need.
the thing is, people are going to hurt you. n o b o d y is perfect.
EXCEPT FOR HiM.
HEARTBREAK EXiSTS.
PAiN EXiSTS.
VULNERABiLiTY EXiSTS.
throughout all of this, even up to tonight, i still think...why?
AND then i have these unbelievably real, raw, broken, tangible moments in His presence...and i remember...
HE is the only one I CAN COME running TO - arms open wide- no judgement.
HE is the only one who HOLDS my heart in PERFECT love- no hurt.
HE is my HEALER of these painful seasons of heartbreak- stitching me back together, piece by piece.
i AM COMPLETE in HiM. HiS PRESENCE. HiS LOVE.
that's my DADDY. PERFECT LOVE.
HIS LOVE iS MUCH LiKE THIS BOYS "LOVE" in some ways...
THE LORD iS CHASiNG AFTER US.
HiS LOVE iS UNRELENTiNG.
HiS PASSION FOR US iS NEVER FAiLING.
HE IS DESPERATE FOR US TO BRING OUR HEARTS, OUR SOULS, OUR MiNDS AS AN "OPEN BOOK" TO HiM...
HE iS RESTLESS, WiTHOUT MY HEART...
THAT COMPLETE TRUST, THAT VULNERABiLITY...GODS WANTS iT. HE WANTS ALL OF iT!
how unbelievably comforting was it to me to realize...after almost two years that there is somebody who will take me, OPENLY, as i am. who promises never to hurt me. or leave me. JESUS!
ONE THiNG REMAiNS...
THE GREATEST OF THESE...
iS LOVE.
Jesus, your LOVE NEVER fails.
The arms of Jesus are the safest refuge.
The word of God is powerful over all hatred and evil.
The hands of the Lord are where our hearts should remain, nestled in His care.
Our eyes should be set on Heaven where one day, God will wipe every tear and there will be no more pain.
it's easy to forget how much He loves us. How faithful and constant He is even when we aren't.
God uses pressure and irritation to form beautiful things.
he may let the storm rage around us.
he may let the enemy do everything in his power to try and destroy us.
but the victory...is WON.
AND IT WAS WON WITH LOVE.
nothing in the world could ever take away His love for us.
Nothing satisfies like your LOVE, Lord.
thank you. thank you. thank you.
for YOUR undying L O V E.
jesus, thank you for your endless blessings. for my salvation, for your grace. for your protection, God, of my heart and for your UNFAILING love when my heart is weak Lord. God thank you for unanswered prayers, for letting things fall apart so better things can come together. may i never forget how powerful your love is. true, faithful, and always remaining. your love. A M E N.
XOXOXXOX,
CAiTLiN.
