as i flipped through it, i smelled it. i smelled her. i felt her.
i felt her presence.
i started to weep.
on the first page, i read my mothers writing...
something that pierced my heart, and brought me to uncontrollable tears.
written 13 years ago, my mother had written the words...
"i am somebody."
sadness began to overcome me.
in all of my life, i had always let my hurt, heartbreak, bitterness and anger cloud the thoughts of my mother.
i never treated her like anybody. in fact, i treated her lesser than anybody.
reading her writing, her answered prayers, and her unspoken thoughts yesterday brought me to a place i never thought i would be.
there is no worse feeling than knowing you added nothing but negative, nothing but hurt, nothing but hate to somebody's life.
reading her words, sitting there, hysterical, in both my mother and Gods presence, i began to repent for the way i treated her. for my lack of love and support towards her.
i really called out to Jesus and asked for His forgiveness.
i started to think of all the times that Jesus consumed me and swept me up into His arms of mercy and grace...
me. an undeserving sinner.
it's a scary place to be when you're consumed by the mind games the enemy plays in your mind.
it's a very scary place.
he can bring you somewhere you don't ever want to be and keep you there for way longer than you ever wanted to stay. if you give him that control.
you see, we don't consciously hand over the keys to our mind to him. but if we entertain the smallest feeling of guilt, shame, anger, or hatred, he infiltrates us until it has us trapped.
unfortunately, for me, i spent years of my life unsaved without the Lord living in a pit of despair and hate.
even more unfortunate, i believe i'm still living, after almost 2 years of being SAVED BY GRACE by the Lord in that same pit.
it's not easy to admit. in fact, it's painful. it hurts. it hurts to be truthful and it hurts deep down in my gut to face God and say to Him...
"FATHER, here i am. my words and actions are not coming from a pure heart. my heart and my very inside are clouded with confusion, fear, anger, unforgiveness, bitterness, and hatred. forgive me for feeling and acting this way towards people..."
the hard part is NOT repenting.
i believe that Jesus Christ died on a cross for my SINS.
the hard part is what we do after we repent.
okay, so, it's been 7 months since i buried my mother. 7 months.
i'm just going to say what i shouldn't say. but i'm going to say it anyway.
there was a point in my life where i felt so heartbroken and guilty for the way i treated my mother, i VOWED never to live, or walk in that way again...to never ever let my spirit get consumed with a unpure heart towards anybody ever again.
i will save you the time if you're wondering if i ever got to that point. i didn't. i haven't. and i spend hours of my day every day crucifying myself for not getting there faster, or being kinder to others.
the last two months of my life have been, without a doubt, the hardest, emotionally overwhelming months of my entire life.
in fact, i will be as bold as saying that i have never felt lower than i do right now. that's including burying my mother.
i pierce my heart and my mind with questions: WHY? WHY? WHY?
for months, i have waited for answers.
for months, i have begged for answers to fall from Heaven and for GOD to answer me.
They haven't.
He hasn't.
and then: i got an answer. not even from somebody pouring into me in an intimate conversation. not directly from God.
i overheard somebody say something and i knew that the holy spirit meant for me to hear...but spoke to me. loudly. and clearly.
it was followed and confirmed, then, in the last past couple of days by two people.
WAIT. rest in God, and wait. trust Him and wait. He will never trust you with the big things if He can't trust you with the little things. WAIT.
you see, when i read my mothers written words of such innocence, such desperation, such a pure heart, something began to dig at me.
i wanted to be delivered, healed, restored, and pieced together immediately. overnight.
i wanted to be healed of all of my pain so i could get closer to god and love other people more.
when really, even now, still, to this day...
that's NOT how it's going.
and my mighty counselor has spoken only these words to me:
before ANY of this...
you must get closer to your Daddy.
let Him love.
let Him restore.
trust His timing.
wait on Him.
the Bible says He desires to lavish His love on ME.
it's time to accept that.
and let Him do it.
i believe that i got so torn up when i read my mothers written words because the enemy has kept me from really believing that i am somebody, too.
he has kept me in bondage and kept my heart broken, and mind in fear, insecurity and isolation for WAY TOO LONG.
you see, in this last couple of weeks, I haven't been open to hearing what God REALLY wants for me. what the Spirit is really telling me to do.
the devil makes waiting seem like the worst thing in the world.
but really...
i know, deep down, that this gut wrenching feeling of being torn inside out and upside down, it is the right feeling.
that being enclosed in the lowest of lows...
must mean that i am on the verge of a spiritual breakthrough.
it is incredibly painful to reveal myself to GOD, to others, sometimes even to be honest to myself.
but why? God is MY FATHER.
I, am His creation.
HIS.
HIS.
HIS.
He knows everything. My thoughts, my heart, my feelings, my body, from the INSIDE OUT.
He has already revealed Himself to me in ways that are unexplainable.
It is time to do the two things I have just simply refused to do...
LET GO.
AND LET HIM LOVE ME.
and to wait.
WAIT. on HIM. WAIT.
i am somebody. i have a purpose, a calling, and a God who can melt a hard of stone and break walls down.
and what i've failed to realize, and perhaps what I believe my mother failed to realize as well, is that healing...
it doesn't come overnight.
restoration...
it doesn't come overnight.
melting a hardened heart...
it doesn't come overnight.
NONE of these things happen overnight.
but GOD COMES.
as quickly as i run to Him.
HE COMES.
AS QUICKLY AS I LIFT MY VOICE.
HE COMES.
it starts with Him.
i am somebody.
in His eyes.
i am somebody.
and knowing that, believing that, and WAITING, every day, waiting patiently on Him...
it will come.
falling on my knees in front of Him, bearing my soul to Him, crying out to my Daddy, letting my soul become immersed in His love...will help me to love and be loved by others.
one day at a time.
HE BRINGS THE DEAD TO LIFE.
HE BRINGS THE DEAD TO LIFE.
HE BRINGS THE DEAD TO LIFE.
lord jesus, thank you for your presence, God, in every moment that I call on you. God, i come to you laying all of my struggles and confusion down at the bottom of the cross, Lord. Help me to remember that you are Savior to the lowly ones, the hope of the World, God, that you are sovereign, that you are good, that you are faithful and that you are MIGHTY to help me overcome any battle or struggle that comes my way, Jesus. Lord on the days where my unbelief and independence begin to take over, Lord God I beg your Holy Spirit to come out, God, and be my mighty counselor, Jesus, to remind me that you have conquered it all, God and that you are good. Help me to die to my fleshly and worldly desires and self, God and to trust in you in this time of waiting God. Lord give me patience, God and an overwhelming abundance of trust and discernment, God, let you be my first source each and every day and help me to just put my trust in you, God. Hear my cries, let me run to you for help God, every day, Lord Jesus, come and be my strength each morning, help me to place my fears, anxieties, hurts and pains of the past at the foot of the Cross and place my heart in your hands, exactly where it needs to be, Jesus. Invade my life, God, on the days where I don't seek you, Lord Jesus, make yourself known, visible and good on the days where my mind is clouded with the things and worries of this world. Thank you, thank you, thank you, for your love and mercy, God, for pouring it on such an undeserving sinner as myself. I love you Lord. All of my honor and praise goes to you, Father. In JESUS name,
AMEN.
xoxox,
caitlin
it's a very scary place.
he can bring you somewhere you don't ever want to be and keep you there for way longer than you ever wanted to stay. if you give him that control.
you see, we don't consciously hand over the keys to our mind to him. but if we entertain the smallest feeling of guilt, shame, anger, or hatred, he infiltrates us until it has us trapped.
unfortunately, for me, i spent years of my life unsaved without the Lord living in a pit of despair and hate.
even more unfortunate, i believe i'm still living, after almost 2 years of being SAVED BY GRACE by the Lord in that same pit.
it's not easy to admit. in fact, it's painful. it hurts. it hurts to be truthful and it hurts deep down in my gut to face God and say to Him...
"FATHER, here i am. my words and actions are not coming from a pure heart. my heart and my very inside are clouded with confusion, fear, anger, unforgiveness, bitterness, and hatred. forgive me for feeling and acting this way towards people..."
the hard part is NOT repenting.
i believe that Jesus Christ died on a cross for my SINS.
the hard part is what we do after we repent.
okay, so, it's been 7 months since i buried my mother. 7 months.
i'm just going to say what i shouldn't say. but i'm going to say it anyway.
there was a point in my life where i felt so heartbroken and guilty for the way i treated my mother, i VOWED never to live, or walk in that way again...to never ever let my spirit get consumed with a unpure heart towards anybody ever again.
i will save you the time if you're wondering if i ever got to that point. i didn't. i haven't. and i spend hours of my day every day crucifying myself for not getting there faster, or being kinder to others.
the last two months of my life have been, without a doubt, the hardest, emotionally overwhelming months of my entire life.
in fact, i will be as bold as saying that i have never felt lower than i do right now. that's including burying my mother.
i pierce my heart and my mind with questions: WHY? WHY? WHY?
for months, i have waited for answers.
for months, i have begged for answers to fall from Heaven and for GOD to answer me.
They haven't.
He hasn't.
and then: i got an answer. not even from somebody pouring into me in an intimate conversation. not directly from God.
i overheard somebody say something and i knew that the holy spirit meant for me to hear...but spoke to me. loudly. and clearly.
it was followed and confirmed, then, in the last past couple of days by two people.
WAIT. rest in God, and wait. trust Him and wait. He will never trust you with the big things if He can't trust you with the little things. WAIT.
you see, when i read my mothers written words of such innocence, such desperation, such a pure heart, something began to dig at me.
i wanted to be delivered, healed, restored, and pieced together immediately. overnight.
i wanted to be healed of all of my pain so i could get closer to god and love other people more.
when really, even now, still, to this day...
that's NOT how it's going.
and my mighty counselor has spoken only these words to me:
before ANY of this...
you must get closer to your Daddy.
let Him love.
let Him restore.
trust His timing.
wait on Him.
the Bible says He desires to lavish His love on ME.
it's time to accept that.
and let Him do it.
i believe that i got so torn up when i read my mothers written words because the enemy has kept me from really believing that i am somebody, too.
he has kept me in bondage and kept my heart broken, and mind in fear, insecurity and isolation for WAY TOO LONG.
you see, in this last couple of weeks, I haven't been open to hearing what God REALLY wants for me. what the Spirit is really telling me to do.
the devil makes waiting seem like the worst thing in the world.
but really...
i know, deep down, that this gut wrenching feeling of being torn inside out and upside down, it is the right feeling.
that being enclosed in the lowest of lows...
must mean that i am on the verge of a spiritual breakthrough.
it is incredibly painful to reveal myself to GOD, to others, sometimes even to be honest to myself.
but why? God is MY FATHER.
I, am His creation.
HIS.
HIS.
HIS.
He knows everything. My thoughts, my heart, my feelings, my body, from the INSIDE OUT.
He has already revealed Himself to me in ways that are unexplainable.
It is time to do the two things I have just simply refused to do...
LET GO.
AND LET HIM LOVE ME.
and to wait.
WAIT. on HIM. WAIT.
i am somebody. i have a purpose, a calling, and a God who can melt a hard of stone and break walls down.
and what i've failed to realize, and perhaps what I believe my mother failed to realize as well, is that healing...
it doesn't come overnight.
restoration...
it doesn't come overnight.
melting a hardened heart...
it doesn't come overnight.
NONE of these things happen overnight.
but GOD COMES.
as quickly as i run to Him.
HE COMES.
AS QUICKLY AS I LIFT MY VOICE.
HE COMES.
it starts with Him.
i am somebody.
in His eyes.
i am somebody.
and knowing that, believing that, and WAITING, every day, waiting patiently on Him...
it will come.
falling on my knees in front of Him, bearing my soul to Him, crying out to my Daddy, letting my soul become immersed in His love...will help me to love and be loved by others.
one day at a time.
HE BRINGS THE DEAD TO LIFE.
HE BRINGS THE DEAD TO LIFE.
HE BRINGS THE DEAD TO LIFE.
lord jesus, thank you for your presence, God, in every moment that I call on you. God, i come to you laying all of my struggles and confusion down at the bottom of the cross, Lord. Help me to remember that you are Savior to the lowly ones, the hope of the World, God, that you are sovereign, that you are good, that you are faithful and that you are MIGHTY to help me overcome any battle or struggle that comes my way, Jesus. Lord on the days where my unbelief and independence begin to take over, Lord God I beg your Holy Spirit to come out, God, and be my mighty counselor, Jesus, to remind me that you have conquered it all, God and that you are good. Help me to die to my fleshly and worldly desires and self, God and to trust in you in this time of waiting God. Lord give me patience, God and an overwhelming abundance of trust and discernment, God, let you be my first source each and every day and help me to just put my trust in you, God. Hear my cries, let me run to you for help God, every day, Lord Jesus, come and be my strength each morning, help me to place my fears, anxieties, hurts and pains of the past at the foot of the Cross and place my heart in your hands, exactly where it needs to be, Jesus. Invade my life, God, on the days where I don't seek you, Lord Jesus, make yourself known, visible and good on the days where my mind is clouded with the things and worries of this world. Thank you, thank you, thank you, for your love and mercy, God, for pouring it on such an undeserving sinner as myself. I love you Lord. All of my honor and praise goes to you, Father. In JESUS name,
AMEN.
xoxox,
caitlin
