2 years ago: the day that changed my life forever.

there is one thing great about the past. 

when you experience something so wonderful, so profound, so amazing...something you know will change your life forever...

you can  GO BACK and R E L I V E it.

it is powerful. it is an amazing feeling. 

two years ago today, I had an incredible encounter with God...that left me forever changed, in tears, on an altar, crying out to Him.

little did i know, my life would NEVER be the same.

to this day, i attest that day to be the start of an unbelievable transformation in me- and honestly, truly, freely and openly, the ABSOLUTE best DAY OF MY LIFE.

(yes, you heard right, for all of my friends who know how wedding and marriage obsessed i am! 

the day i met God for the first time was the best day i've ever experienced and nothing- no, nothing will ever keep me from recapturing that memory throughout my life. 

the basement. i'd never heard of it. i really wasn't interested. 

but god had a plan, and he was interested in me. 

i went the first time. because i had nothing better to do. and i went high. so, in all honesty, i don't remember the first time i went. 

a month went by. another basement. i left thinking "these people are crazy. jesus freaks. bible thumpers. that junk isn't REAL." 

you see, all those years my heart was trampled on...by my parents, my deep hatred of myself, the way others treated me...i built up a major wall. 

i NUMBED myself to the world and kept my distance from everybody... because all i knew was pain. hurt. heartbreak. abandonment.

i wasn't fooling anybody, i wasn't fooling myself. 

see, God knew on the inside that a wall I built to guard myself and the mask I put on to hide myself could both be broken. 

and most of all, He knew what it was I truly desired. what i truly needed. and what would truly satisfy me.   

another month went by. i found myself at the Basement once again. what never ran through my head, through the midst of all of this was: WHY do i keep coming back? 

i shook my head like i rejected it, but secretly i wasn't sure. didn't know what it really was, but i knew i was curious. 

matt kept talking about his "saved" moment. the moment when he encountered God and his life was forever changed. 

E N C O U N T E R.

i listened to matt speak that night and i kept feeling a question FUEL inside of me...

"if God is real...why haven't I felt his presence yet?"

"if God is real...why have i suffered so much?"

"if God is real...what does that mean? and how could he ever fix me and change my life?"

i silently let these questions stir inside my head and boil in my heart. i was talking to myself. Or so i thought.

Little did I know, my questions were INVADING Heaven...and God was about to answer them. 

ALL.

i sat there..not really listening. all of the sudden, while Matt stood there talking, moments away from an altar call, I heard God. 

"just because you've never felt loved before doesn't mean love doesn't exist. I am more love than you will ever need."

i denied it. He couldn't possibly be real. How could He ever have let me experience so much pain? 

"do you have any idea what Jesus endured on the cross for you so you could be FREE of everything in your past, present and future?"

what could He possibly make of my life? I am a nobody. I've made too many mistakes. I'm unworthy. I'll never be a better person. 

"i have let you take this journey to bring you right here. tonight. if you trust me...if you love me...i will do unimaginable things in your life. i will change your life. i cannot give you definite answers. take the leap. you WANT it. trust me. trust me. trust me."

tears began to roll out of my icy, empty, blue eyes.

the Lords words pierced my heart, much like they often do when we hear them. 

i knew He was speaking directly to me. it was an incredibly overwhelming, breathtaking moment. 

one more final question. 

"what on EARTH are you waiting for? i can promise you this. if you give your life to me, you will only go up."

i searched to find an answer to Gods question. and then, it hit me. what exactly...on Earth was i waiting for? i had pretty much searched for love in everything you could possibly imagine. and still. 

at 23 years old. i was left. completely and utterly...

EMPTY.

my blurry eyes opened and before i knew it, i was rushing to the altar with thousands of people, falling on my knees. 

in all of my twenty three years of life, never had i experienced a more gravitating, powerful, captivating feeling than in these moments. 

i laid there at the altar. 

"We the Redeemed" came on. it was the first time i had ever heard it, yet it touched my heart in a magical way. the first lyric of the song...

"there is nothing like your love." 

and suddenly, in my head, i knew this was no mistake. i knew i could trust God. and that He would make good on His promises. 

i didn't know what the future held. but i knew it was in His hands now. 

time went by and before i knew it...the sanctuary was almost empty.

as i stood up, i felt lighter. i had a different feeling inside of me and i couldn't explain it. i had no words for what i had just experienced. i didn't even know that God had "saved" me. i didn't even know what that meant. 

i knew i had encountered Him, but i didn't know what to think. 



all i knew is that i walked into church of the highlands- the basement- one person...

and i left another.

trying desperately to find an answer to what i had experienced, i texted my only friend in alabama late that night.

frantically searching for the words to describe what i had experienced, she interrupted me and asked with a smile, "did you give your heart to Jesus tonight?" 


i said yes. 


"you got saved. God saved you!" 


...many things have happened since that night. but one thing has remained: the memory of me in that sanctuary, encountering God for the very first time. all of Heaven rejoicing because they knew what a magical transformation was about to take place in my life...all because...of 


one.


D i V i N E.


A P P O i N T M E N T. 


fast forward two years. 


as i sit here, and reflect on the past, tears cloud my eyes. 


not tears of sadness. 


more like, tears of J o Y. 


the night i gave my heart to the Lord didn't change anything that had happened in my life.i had still experienced everything, but i was SAVED and SET FREE of it all.


i was trapped in a pit. 


of darkness. 


emptiness.


bitterness.


anger.


unforgiveness.


hurt.


pain. 


heartbreak.


loss.


strangled, entagled and mangled by sin. 


because i didn't know any other way. because i didn't know who God was and more importantly, who the enemy was and how he was destroying my life. 


as i sit here, reflecting on this epic day, many things have changed. 


2 years changes a person. 


2 years with God...transforms them.


my life with God hasn't become easier. in fact, it's gotten harder.


immediately after i was saved by His grace, i continued sinning.


yes, i told myself God had my heart, but i wasn't living for Him. i continued living for myself. 


E A R T H L Y pleasures.


F i N A N C i A L blessings. 


S i N F U L relationships. 


E V i L behavior. 


when things were good, i praised God. when they got bad, i hated him. i'd curse him. 


it took a long, hard, painful, difficult season of my life to realize that GOD is not there to make our lives EASIER.


r a t h e r,


to be our shelter in the storm. 


to let go of my anger and my urge to fight and defend myself. 


and rather,


to be still. and let the lord fight for me. 


to read His word....


and to really, truly, believe it. 


to understand and carry in my precious heart...


the Lords words about what he thinks of me.


P R E C i O U S


F E A R F U L L Y & W O N D E R F U L L Y


M A D E.


M A S T E R P i E C E.


H O N O R E D i N H iS S i G H T.




and today, in the midst of letting God P i E C E together the puzzle of my life...


it gets hard. 


in fact, let me be honest. 


this has been without a doubt, the hardest season of my life. 


but, the Lord has never left me. 


deep, tangible, transformation of a heart...


it hurts. it's painful. beyond painful.


vulnerability hurts. when you've been taken advantage of.


heartbreak hurts. when you continuously experience it over and over again, until your heart gets so heavy...


you just can't take anymore pain.


here's the difference. a difference two years makes. 


i am not placing my heart, my feelings, my dreams, my hopes, my fears, or my expectations on MAN. 


i am placing them on the ALMIGHTY GOD...


who, according to the truth of His word:



³ "who forgives all your sins 
    and heals all your diseases,
⁴ who redeems your life from the pit
    and crowns you with love and compassion, 
⁵ who satisfies your desires with good things
    so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s." psalm 103


God doesn't promise an easy transformation. 


there will be re-lived hurt. 


there will be cleansing. 


there will be difficult questions.


deep soul searching. 


and wounds that will take only time.

there may be weeping.

BUT, 

J O Y  comes in the morning!

He PROMISES freedom, deliverance, healing and redemption from all pain and hurt in our lives. 

and what he PROMISES, we RECEIVE.

romans 8:28.

there cannot be fear in trusting God. 


I had to make a choice. Submit to God and trust His plans for my life, or not. 


Hand my heart over to Him and whisper "your will be done", or try...to satisfy my heart on my own.


Walk in forgiveness at all times, because Jesus forgives ALL of my sins.


W H i T E  A S  S N O W.


to love, honestly, openly, and without fear- as God loves me. 


the moment, that moment when you experience who the Almighty God is and just what exactly He wants to do in every single heart of each of His children...


it is b r e a t h t a k i n g.


two years ago, i was empty. 


today, i stand full. 


the power of the holy spirit overflows. 


god's love fills me up.


the joy of the Lord consumes me.


His wisdom fills my mind, my heart, my soul.


HIS WILL is my compass.


i am not sure, where this leads. 


i never imagined i would be where i am today, two years ago. 


i have not arrived. i never will. i will never be satisfied to a point where I will never need God.


i am DESPERATE for more of Him. 


always.


the most amazing part...is this.


minute by minute, day by day, the Lord, my GOD, my father, my healer, my love...


is stitching my heart back together...


P i E C E  b y P i E C E.


H E never stops. 


F i G H T i N G.       W O R K i N G. 


P R E P A R i N G. 


on my BEHALF. 


i cannot imagine my life without Him. 


and i never will. 


all of the glory goes to you, GOD!


for 


S A L V A T i O N.


R E D E M P T i O N.


D E L i V E R A N C E.


H E A L i N G.


U N F A i L i N G L O V E.


can't wait to continue this journey with Him. nothing satisfies me...like His love.


"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." 


1 p e t e r 5:10


2 years with God...has been better than 23 years without Him. i love you, Lord!


xoxo,


C A i T L i N

the old is gone, the new has come.

the devil has been trying to wreck me lately. which only means i'm growing in the Lord. 

the greatest tribute the enemy could possibly ever acquire is keeping such a stronghold on one person that they never break free of bondage. 

many people have NO idea. but the devil is a worker of the PAST. he has no control over our future-the future God has for us- unless we LET him gain access to it. 

this post goes hand in hand with the message pastor chris spoke this morning at Highlands. 

philippians 3:13-14 "brothers, i do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. but one thing i do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." 

for the longest time, mostly all of my life, the enemy convinced me, and I convinced myself that there was absolutely NO way I could move past- well, my past. 

the dictionary defines the word past as "having existed in, or having occurred during a time previous to the present." 

that means...no longer existing. combine this definition with what God TELLS us happens when we confess Jesus as our Lord, and give our hearts to him:

¹⁷ Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! (NIV) 

the OLD HAS GONE. 

the new...is here.

you see, I gave Jesus my heart two years ago. I so desperately wanted to let go of all of my pain, my burdens, my past. I couldn't bear the thought of living with or carrying the burdens for one minute longer. god says to CAST our burdens on Him because he cares for us. 

but for most of us, this isn't how it happens. 

we become entangled in a fight with the enemy that drains us so intently, we can hardly resist the temptation to GIVE UP.

in my own life, i have come to realize the warnings the Bible gives me about tribulation in my life are indeed TRUE. i can expect that if I am fighting for the Lord, i carry an everlasting fight with the enemy as well. 

but nobody said anything about the greatest weapon the enemy uses: our PAST. 

before Christ, my life was a mess. I was living a sinful, selfish, ugly life. i experienced heart shattering pain, as so many of us do in life. when God rescued me that night, i felt Him whisper that he wanted to set me free from that bondage. no more doubt. no more insecurity. no more punishing myself for mistakes, moments of weakness, times of pure evil and hate. 

forgiveness. mercy. 

no. more. chains. SAVED. SET FREE. 

and truly, i have left a lot at the Cross of Jesus. and then, in one moment, one world crumbling moment, the gates of Hell attempted to unleash HAVOC on me by my the death of my late mother. god rest her soul. 

the devil tries to be genius here. he lured me into believing in these past few months that with death comes the past- and if you let it, in your weakness, it's inescapable presence will begin to strangle you. 

what i had experienced, the loss i had endured, the pain, the heartbreak, the abuse, the neglect, the PURE EMTPINESS of 23 years came RUSHING in...and the pain was UNRELENTING. 

left at 24 years old, soon to be 25 with only one parent, the enemy put the thought in my head of GREAT expectation on my father. my earthly father. and after the passing of my mother, my only living parent.

my father is unsaved. what he believes i'm not sure, but his outwardly actions and lack of emotional attachment to his daughters during this loss make it clear to me that we are not his priority. 

in this moment of weakness, a moment of extreme vulnerability, a sink or swim moment where i needed to feel abundantly loved, supported, and comforted, i was...thrown to the wayside. BY my EARTHLY father. 

the devil began to have a field day invading my thoughts. he convinced me that just like in my PAST, (which i THOUGHT i had been redeemed from in Jesus)- i had no LOVE- the cycle was beginning to REPEAT ITSELF and i would NEVER escape it. 

my mind began flooding with fear, sadness, anxiety, anger...

questions OVER AND OVER plaguing me, keeping me restless at night and just as restless during the day- that soon turned into statements...

"i will never find true love and be healed and whole and ready to commit in a marriage because of my PAST."

"these walls will never be broken."

"i am way too insecure, ugly, broken and scarred to ever take this mask off." 

"i will never let my guard down because if my parents don't love me...who can?" 

i began to live in fear. in pain. 

fear so plaguing that just a couple of months of it left me so emotionally, physically, and mentally drained i ended up in the hospital. 

what i failed to remember during all of this was one CRUCIAL point...one point spoken to me LAST week at Legacy night at Highlands and one reiterated to me this morning. an, as i LOVE to refer to them because they happen to me SO often:

a divine appointment.

a point that God reassured me is NEVER GOING TO CHANGE. EVER. 

God gives me (and you!) a GODLY HERITAGE. 

I AM NOT NAMED BY MY HISTORY. AND I NEVER WILL BE.

Here's the best part. Are you ready?

NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR HISTORY! 

Only Satan does because it's his greatest weapon to attack us. 

If the enemy could keep us wrapped in bondage, glued in the past for even FIVE minutes more, it's FIVE minutes that we are NOT fulfilling and living the life GOD WANTS FOR US!

the greatest way to let get to the LIFE God INTENDS FOR US is to FACE our insecurities and untruths. 

it's a LIE. the enemy is a LIAR. 

i was rocked by this message- both times i heard it in different contexts. within less than a week. 

perhaps because the first time i heard it, i just didn't let it sink in enough. i didn't dwell on gods victory, truth, or glory as much as i needed to. 

here it is, here's what i heard this morning: 

i am not complete in my transformation in Christ. but i refuse to let the enemy deter me on my way. 

two things i must not forget in my process, on my way to healing and deliverance in my heart and in my life: 

i have been SAVED AND SET FREE. that will never change. i will always be able to go back to the day, (EXACTLY TWO YEARS IN TWO DAYS) and remember when God rescued me. 

second, and most important: it's OKAY to be exactly where i am. in an extreme process of extreme healing and TRUE, RAW deliverance from everything in my life...

the enemy has no hold over me, over my family, and over my life. why? because I serve a GOD who is a God of the HERE AND NOW. Who isn't concerned with throwing my past in my face, but rather...

using it for his glory. 

my brokeness=beautiful to Him.

my weakness=His strength inside of me.

my insecurity= nonexistent in comparison to His beautiful VISION of me.

my HEART= in His hands.

i VOW...in this process, EXACTLY WHERE I AM...in this here and now, not to forget...

that Gods beautiful, inexchangable gift has 

RESTORED my relationship with Him, and has GIVEN ME 

BACK MY LIFE! The life for me that was planted in His heart thousands of years ago, that He longs to see me fulfill...

glory filled. joy filled. God filled. 

abundant blessings. triumphant victory. overwhelming redemption. 

the OLD IS GONE.

THE NEW HAS COME.

thank you, Jesus.