I squinted one eye open and rolled over to check the time on my phone...something I never usually do on Sundays.
Sunday is FUNDAY, and normally, I'm up and out the door to get to CHURCH! (H A L L E L U J A H!)
normally, we have two services on Sunday, but because of the crazy, beautiful, awesome, psychotic and sometimes bipolar winters this AMAZING state of Massachusetts has, we recently converted to one big service at 10:15.
(and a shameless plug here - if you have never been to church, or want to come and visit, Excel Church, 122 Granite Street, Leominster, MA, 01453. hit a girl up!)
but back to my point. i have to be real, I didn't mind the extra time to lay snuggled up in my bed, with no agenda, but to simply lay in the peaceful SILENCE.
I've been in a season of prayer and fasting, and I've been off of all social media and secular music. so nothing was filling the silence except prayers and worship and the presence of God.
I pulled the covers over my head and pressed my back into my 79 pillows perfectly arranged on my bed and closed my eyes. (ok, it's not 79. but there is A LOT! #abundance)
a few minutes later, I heard church bells ringing. I'm not sure from which church, exactly, but from one in the surrounding area of my apartment.
(in case you're wondering why MY church doesn't have bells, we meet in a high school.)
I smiled, listening to them chime and drifted off to sleep.
on my way to church a couple hours later, I realized in the few months I've lived in my apartment, I'd never heard the church bells.
I started to think about how much we miss when other noise levels are extremely high in our life.
then the Holy Spirit dropped this word into my heart:
when we SILENCE the noise of the world, we tune ourselves to better hear the sounds of Heaven.
"so true", I thought to myself and gave God a pat on the back for the good word.
but of course, He wasn't finished. is He ever? NO.
"when you silence the world, Satan will try to silence you."
again, i gave God some praise for His juke and my mind began to wander somewhere else, somewhere MEGA important...
"did I bring the right lipstick in my purse?!" (of course, I'm kidding about it being more important than God, but not about it still being MEGA important.)
I think my relationship with God is really funny. He talks to me the way He knows I will hear Him best. SO, for your humor, here's an insider of what our back and forth looked like THAT particular day:
"uh, excuse me. child. did you just hear what I said to you?" - God
"ya, I heard you." - me
"NO. I mean, DID YOU REALLY HEAR AND PAY ATTENTION to the words I just said?" - God
"YYYYYYESSSSS, I HEARD YOU. I know. it's important. you spoke a word to me. I said it was GOOD. I said THANK YOU!" - me (like God really needs me to stroke His ego.)
"woman. I didn't speak a word TO you. I spoke a word FOR you." - God
silence. - me
there i sat. i tried to process what, exactly, the Spirit was saying to me.
I don't know if you do this, but I do. I'll kind of, like, argue with God. (gasp, I KNOW! it's shocking. especially if you know me. wink wink.)
have you ever had God speak a Word and you sometimes think its for someone else but really...it's FOR YOU? (that's taking a big dose of humility, but let's be real, it happens to all of us.)
"um, I don't really understand, God, because, like, if you know me at all, I'm kind of like... NEVER silent? so I'm a little confused." - me
see, in this prayer and fasting season, I haven't been silent with God. quite the opposite.
I've been BOLD. I've been LOUD. I've been WARRING. I've been SPEAKING His Word. I've been WORSHIPPING.
and as I'm listing all the ways I've been the opposite of SILENT to God (out loud, you know, just to prove that in fact I haven't been silent, even in THIS moment)...
He spoke to me and said - "you're right. you haven't been silent to me."
and as I'm about to praise dance for God telling me I'm FINALLY right, the Holy Spirit spoke...
"but you've been SILENT to others."
ouch. that one hurt, y'all. i'll just level with you. it hurt.
the conviction didn't stop there.
"those two people you are in turmoil with right now, how many days has gone by since you've spoken?"
I didn't have to count in my head. I knew. far too many days of silence. nothing.
each day bringing more anger, hurt, bitterness, tension.
more distance. more separation. more disunity.
" I spoke a word FOR you. not TO you."
see, God knew that while I wasn't being silent in my relationship with Him, I was with others.
and when we seek God and there is STRAINED silence with others, it limits the ability to experience the fullness and abundance in our relationship with Him.
so while I had made a choice to silence the world and seek God, Satan took notice.
and since Satan couldn't keep me from seeking God, He decided to strain my RELATIONSHIPS with SILENCE.
it's about to get real, so prepare your heart.
I almost crashed my car the other day stewing on this revelation... (can somebody say hallelujah SWERVE?!)
it's about to get real because I'm going to expose the enemy for who HE really is, and what I believe is his biggest tool to keep us from experiencing the fullness and abundance of God in our lives.
SATAN is a SILENCER.
let me say it again.
SATAN is a SILENCER.
and if he can't keep you quiet in one way, he will find a way to do it in another.
engrave this truth in your mind, please.
IF HE CAN'T KEEP YOU QUIET IN ONE WAY, HE WILL FIND A WAY TO DO IT ANOTHER.
let me just tell y'all that I sat in my car and graciously thanked God for the voice of the Holy Spirit (---> even though the gut punches HURT sometimes.)
I thanked God for loving me enough to expose the areas of my heart that are clouded, to point out the areas where I am blind, to highlight the places in my heart and my life where I am simply MISSING it.
God, in His loving grace, spoke to me that day because He knew I wasn't getting it.
all the while, here I am, encountering God, seeking Him, worshipping Him, hearing His voice, thinking everything is ALL good...
and still, because of the presence of offense and the weeks of silence, there was a CAP on the blessings He desired to pour out on me because of it.
God is pretty clear about how our relationship with OTHERS directly correlates to our relationship with HIM.
"This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you." John 15:12 (NLT)
I'm JUST going to be real with you (well, because it's my blog and I can do whatever I want...)
when God pointed out my choice to be silent to two people who I have recently been fueding with, my first response was,
"but God, you KNOW what they did to me. I don't have anything else to say to them."
once again, His spirit, this time, quite gently, spoke back:
"when was the last time God was SILENT to you?"
He didn't have to say anything else. if that sentence pierced you, you're in good company. it pierced me too.
the truth is, day in, and day out, time and time again, I give God millions of reasons to silent treatment me.
in fact, thank God that His ways our greater than our ways, because just being real, I know if they weren't, He may make a choice to never speak to me again.
but praise God that in His love and mercy, His ear never turns from us and His voice NEVER stops speaking, even when we
disobey Him.
hurt Him.
offend Him.
when we SAY - DO - and THINK things we should not.
He never fails to speak to us and show Himself loving and faithful, even in ALL of the moments we are so very undeserving.
the truth is, it doesn't matter what they did. it doesn't matter how it went down. God embraces us. We embrace others.
even when our flesh wants to scream, "it's NOT that simple..."
it is.
He loves us...
ABUNDANTLY
GRACIOUSLY
MERCIFULLY
UNFAILINGLY
and so... this is how we love others.
there is no excuse. there is no "exception."
I can hear some of you saying right now, "sometimes silence IS necessary in certain situations."
now you get to do a happy dance because this is where I tell you that you are ABSOLUTELY right.
there are times where silence + space are needed...
in our relationships with others.
please don't misunderstand me here. HEAR my heart.
silence can be healthy.
STRAINED silence is always unhealthy.
because I'm a writer and will one day be a pastor, I have this THING with definitions.
I'm obsessed. call it whatever you want, but when I know I'll be using a word, I research it. if I am putting emphasis on a word, I need to know EVERYTHING about that word.
perhaps it was studying Greek and Hebrew definitions in Bible college, but I like to think I'm just quirky, and God made me that way.
s t r a i n e d : (adjective) not relaxed or comfortable; tense or uneasy. // nervous tension.
s t r a i n e d: ( verb) to impair, injure, or weaken
call me crazy, but I think the comparison between these two definitions as a verb and adjective are NO mistake.
when we let conflict in relationship lead to SILENCE - doesn't it make it increasingly tense + uneasy?
I don't know about you, but when there is unhealthy silence between somebody and I, nervous tension pretty much nails how I feel.
but, what left me more in awe was the next definition. what HAPPENS to that THING (in this case, a relationship) when it is strained.
impaired. injured. weakened.
let's stop right here. let me just tell you that those words above? THAT is what the enemy intends for YOU and I's relationships.
WHY? because He knows if he can IMPAIR, injure, and WEAKEN...
he fulfills his job of STEALING, KILLING and DESTROYING.
choosing to let silence build tension and tension build anger and anger build hurt and hurt build weakness...
kills your relationships. and when Satan kills your relationships, He will SLOWLY accomplish his goal of killing you.
I know. it got really real, really fast. if you're looking for an uplifting blog, come back next week.
the Holy Spirit burned this word in my heart FOR me and told me to tell YOU.
silent relationships lead to strained relationships that will eventually lead to broken relationships and broken relationships that aren't mended will leave to DEAD relationships.
I want you to think for a moment.
aside from setting time to SILENCE your SOUL... (being off of social media, quiet time with the Lord, watching snow fall outside while you sip your coffee,letting a friend cry on you, weep with you + mourn with you, or laying in bed listening to birds chirp -- if THAT'S your thing, because Lord knows it ain't mine! Birds are gross and I am terrified of them...)
how many truly GOOD things have ever come from you being silent?
think back to a time where you purposely didn't tell somebody something...or a time where instead of speaking back, you fell silent.
you were probably silent because you were SCARED, or GUILTY, or ANGRY, or ASHAMED, or HURT. maybe you were EMBARASSED.
how many drug addicts die because they silently keep their addiction to themselves?
how many assault victims live in shame and guilt and terror for the rest of their lives because they choose never to speak about what was done to them?
how many physically abused women never GET OUT because they live in silence?
how many relationships has Satan KILLED simply because of STRAINED silence?
I'll answer for you. MILLIONS.
I don't know about you.
but I can't live with strained silence.
and I certainly know I cannot live my life without relationships.
I know it's not what my God desires for me, and I know He doesn't desire it for you either.
it is keeping us from the abundance God desires for our lives in EVERY way.
with SILENCE, the enemy wins.
Don't let him.
could I encourage you today?
have the hard conversations.
humble yourself + express your feelings.
be angry. but then let go.
be hurt. but forgive them.
SAY the things you are SAYING to others to the person you are saying them ABOUT. ( that was a tough one, I know.)
“This is how I want you to conduct yourself in these matters. If you enter your place of worship and, about to make an offering, you suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you, abandon your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right. Then and only then, come back and work things out with God." Matthew 5:23-26 ( MSG)
give up on being silent. block the enemy when he runs his mouth and floods your mind with all of his "noise."
He WILL whisper, as he did to me, THESE words...
"they deserve it."
you have my permission to respond with THIS:
"um, we actually ALL deserved much worse than what we got. only through the blood of Jesus are we worthy of more. and, OH, we're worthy just because of His sacrifice and His shed blood."
speaking on the topic of silence, that should shut him up.
you also have my permission to actively continue to silence the devil by the power of God's Word.
how good is God? the power isn't even in our strength or our words, but on His written one. YES & AMEN!
Go + make things right. Jesus died to make YOU right with God so you could freely live RIGHT with others.
Live F R E E. Live ABUNDANT. in Jesus' name.
xoxo,
CAITLIN
*Remember that forgiving and being first to break the silence doesn't make their behavior permissible. Also remember that if it is a dangerous situation, confide in somebody you trust with wisdom to guide you on if there should be any communication.
**If you have been or are being harmed or are in an unsafe situation, email me confidentially at ritchie.caitlin@gmail.com and I will get you help. There IS a way out and there is always HOPE.
