there have been several times where in my life where i felt completely abandoned.
growing up, my sisters and i were left by my mother at an early age. by third grade, my father had full custody of us.
my mother was an addict.
my father worked full time to support us.
by the age of 8, perhaps even earlier…
i had a completely unhealthy family environment.
i was in a one parent (barely) home.
this series of events led to a an environment that led me into a downward spiral that left me, eventually…
with a void so big that it felt like it could never be filled…
there...deep seeded in my broken down, torn apart heart, lingered loneliness, fear, abandonment, anger, hate, resentment...
for a long time, i didn't feel worthy of love because everybody who was supposed to love me- they l e f t.
i tired effortlessly for years and years of my life to fill this void in my heart.
drugs, alcohol, guys, cutting, control over my body by eating disorders, and eventually…
at an age that it would seem impossible to come to this conclusion...
i decided the only answer was to end my life…
lack of love…more importantly, lack of a father's love and acceptance (through no fault of his own…)
almost captured my life. and ended it, forever.
it wasn't until i encountered the love of God for the first time that i realized there is only one way to fill the void, abandonment and deep hurt that comes from being left and void of love…
by being found in Him alone.
unfortunately, being left and being heart broken is not something that goes away before or after we encounter God.
but being left by God is never an option.
read it again and let it sink in.
being left by God is never an option.
in fact, people are always going to fail us. leave us. hurt us.
people will always abuse L O V E.
but our Heavenly father never will.
at first it seems impossible to believe.
for those who have grown up w i t h o u t it, how can you trust God not to abuse love?
after all, isn't He the reason that your life turned out the way that they did?
the answer to this is one that arrived to me a couple of years ago…but the Holy Spirit revisited it just last week…
God cannot abuse L O V E…
because L O V E is not something He does…
rather, it is who HE is...
you see, God never inflicts harm, he doesn't purposely make your life painful…
when sin entered the world, pain entered. heartbreak entered. deceit entered. it was man's doing. we brought it.
HE doesn't create the storms. but he will allow for us to end up in the midst of them…
because it is there that he refines us.
it is there we find His undeniable love.
it is there we find our need for wholeness.
a desire for the void to be filled by something greater. something unfading, unfailing...
it is there He speaks, He whispers, He nudges...
it is there, in the loneliness, in the hurt from others, where we find…
Him. Cornerstone. always with us. Emmanuel.
He never intended for families to be broken.
He never intended one parent homes.
He never intended abandonment.
But once sin came, it all soon followed.
He doesn't initiate the storm…
but through them, He initiates a way back home.
"Be strong and courageous. For it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” d e u t e r o n o m y 31:6
a way back home. a Father's love.
His love…a love that never fails.
His love: a love that fills.
His love: a love that heals.
His love: a love that is with us always.
no matter what your family life looked like…
parents or no parents…
father or not…
everybody is worthy of a love that never ceases. never abandons. never lies. never judges. and is always there.
o u r Father God. a Father's love. lives inside of you. and desires nothing more than for you to experience it.
“God’s beloved;
God’s permanent residence.
Encircled by God all day long,
within whom God is at home.”
d e u t o r o n o m y 33:12
He lives in YOU…He is at home in YOU...
HE LOVES YOU. HE LOVES YOU. HE LOVES YOU.
He S P E A K S to you…can you hear Him?
it is your God who goes with you. And He will never leave. Your Father goes with you. He will never leave.
amen.
xoxo,
caitlin
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Saturday, November 2, 2013
p o w e r.
i had the honor of attending the Highlands reCreate women's conference about a month ago.
reCreate is an all women's two day conference that brings powerful speakers from all around the world, and who can forget my amazing pastor Chris Hodges and his wife Tammy.
the presence of God, the power of the Holy Spirit and Jesus right beside us.
powerful worship.
powerful worship.
fellowship with women.
empowering, strong messages from women
who have walked the faith walk with God longer than most of us and are completely submitted and obedient to Him.
as i'm sure you're thinking: four great ingredients for a women's conference.
i had attended last year.
it is incredible to watch how much difference 365 days makes in one person.
last year: a young woman. a stubborn woman. a distracted woman. a broken woman.
this year: a young (well, sort of) woman. a, well, still a stubborn, but less stubborn woman. a focused woman. a healing woman.
Going into to reCreate this year, i was in a different place. a new place. a refreshing place. a place i've longed for for years.
i am closer to Jesus than i ever knew i could be. and that's no sugar coated lie: that's the truth. here's why:
a few weeks ago, in the midst of battling, for the last several months an exhausting struggle with my self image: i woke up and decided to stand up in the strength of C H R i S T and made a decision i was done letting Him run my life.
i believe my exact words, were, while laying in my bed one morning after a week on bed rest after my appendectomy (yes, it was humorous praying for strength a week after surgery!) were as follows:
i am so over the enemy. and i'm done letting him run my life. done letting him keep me in fear.done letting him keep my family in strongholds, lost in a broken dark abyss. done letting him lie to me. but most importantly, i'm done letting him suck me dry of the J O Y, L i FE, p e a c e, and F R E E D O M that i know GOD HAS FOR ME.
with that being said, i simply began to thank GOD.
i thanked God for salvation. i got on my knees and bursted into tears confessing that if salvation, a relationship with Him and eternity were all He ever gave me, that would be enough to give Him endless praise!
by the way, this is true. Just by His sacrifice of Jesus alone makes Him forever worthy of ALL OF MY PRAISE AND WORSHIP, FOREVER.
an overwhelming presence of the Holy Spirit flooded over me and i began to become overwhelmed with thankfulness, aware of His goodness, His mercy, His grace, His protection, His provision, His plan, His will, His truth, His W O R D.
but most of all : H i s L O V E.
i tell you all of this not to brag on how W O N D E R F U L my relationship with God is, but of the condition i was in when i attended reCreate.
365 days ago, it was opposite.
i was grieving. i was hurt. fearful. insecure. unsure. busy. exhausted. i was, in a nutshell, ya girl wasn't feeling it.
these two young women: well, they were night and day.
here's the difference between then and now. really and truly:
i'm still stubborn. (SHOCKER.)
i'm still broken. (wouldn't want to be any other way.)
i still have questions. (but like, seriously. who doesn't?)
i'm still distracted. (wait…what was i just saying…?)
i'm still healing. (no, not from my appendectomy…emotionally..oh COME ON. it was funny and you know it.)
i am all of these things and more, but there is one difference:
j e s u s is alive in me. and He is more than POWERFUL enough to conquer all of these things.
more importantly: i have decided, that i am as to come to Him J U S T as i am. why? because it is too exhausting to be anything but myself.
i had the honor and the privilege of meeting LiSA BEVERE at reCreate. she spoke a word over me that was right on time. she said many things, all of which i will treasure in my heart forever.
one thing she spoke, as she looked into my eyes and had her arm around me stuck out to me:
there is freedom in being yourself.
there is freedom in being yourself.
there is freedom in being yourself.
i appreciate Lisa Bevere. i appreciate her getting up on stage in pleather, i appreciate her loud voice, her passion, and the strength that floods from her. i appreciate her humor, her boldness, and the transparency that she brings.
as she spoke her first message on L i o n e s s arising, i looked around the room in the auditorium at Highlands.
every single woman in that room was different. yet, when we began to worship, every single difference faded away and we were united.
while i was looking over God's word while writing this, the Lord led me to a chapter in Matthew 5:3, (yes, the beginning of the Sermon on the Mount!) that quite honestly, i used to avoid, for two different reasons.
when somebody dies, often m a t t h e w 5:4 is quoted. "blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."
after my sweet mother went on to be with the Lord, all i heard was this verse. and honestly, i wasn't in a place for a long time where i could receive this and be at peace a year ago.
but now? i laugh and am overjoyed. what truth God's word speaks. it took time, and more significantly a major work of the holy spirit, but His word has kept promise in my life.
the next verse in Matthew 5:5 i didn't particularly avoid, it just always rubbed me the wrong way. perhaps because i never looked into what the word m e e k actually means and never truly understood it.
now here's the interesting part, God led me particularly to these words in Matthew. He brought me back to reflect on the most painful part of my past and revealed how His word has kept promise and not come back void.
He has comforted me and given me unexplainable peace in the loss of my mother.
as i was reading, the Holy Spirit led me down to the next verse.
"blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth."
the enemy's STUPID voice lingered in my head. yea, there's freedom in being yourself, and that's great…but…YOU'RE NOT MEEK. HA. you're the opposite. you're loud, obnoxious, you're anything but meek. you're not quiet. you're not meek. you're anything but. you won't be blessed and you won't inherit the earth.
now i know this seems dramatic, but honestly, the enemy gets me like this. He's a liar. Oh and he's also Satan so, yeah. He's like, super cruel.
picture this: i'm coming off of this incredible, Holy Spirit filled conference. Believing the truth, had just met my role model, i'm inspired, i'm filled, i'm free…and here comes the devil, while i'm reading my BIBLE. yes, to all the holy rollers, the enemy starts speaking to me while i'm reading the Word.
puzzled, while reflecting on the words that Lisa Bevere spoke, the image of all those women in the auditorium, and the empowerment that i felt flood me in my 2 days at reCreate, i looked up the definition of meek. i felt led to do it and so i did.
it blew my mind. OH IT BLEW MY MIND.
and it SHUT THE DEVIL UP.
3 different definitions:
i find the Lord hilarious. mainly because everybody is always saying He has no time agenda, but how T i M E L Y does He work in my life...
almost to date, 365 days, the Lord brought me back to His word to see His promise fulfilled in His word and in my life, and to teach me something new in this very season of my life, using the exact same tool: His word.
"see, i am doing a new thing! now it springs up, do you not perceive it? i will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert…" i s a i a h 43:19
a year ago- i could gain no peace from "blessed are those who mourn." i wasn't in a place with the Lord where i could receive that. i loved Him- but there were strongholds and walls that i couldn't let go of yet.
this season- a season of self discovery and finding who i am with him, i had been struggling with being "meek". i thought it was gentle. quiet. (which, let's be serious, if anybody knows me, you know i…well, i am a bull in a china shop who was born in Boston…so to say the least, i am not these things…
no, you are not these things, He says, but you are mine and i created you to be exactly who you are. and, no, nobody ever said you are required to be gentle and quiet, (maybe sometimes, my Daddy whispers, with a laugh.)
God decided to speak to me. to urge me with a gentle whisper from the Spirit, directing me back to a place of hurt, to reveal even more of His goodness, His faithfulness, His truth…
here He revealed the truth behind meek. humble, low of vanity, patient in affliction. obedient and submitted.
you are these things. Y o u r obedience to me determines the living power inside of you.
i don't know about any of you, but i need all of His power i can get. (CAN i GET A WiTNESS?!)
i can't do this on my own. without Him i am nothing.
i want to be humble.
i want to be low of vanity.
patient in affliction.
one hundred percent obedient and submitted to my Heavenly Father and His will for my life.
thank you, Jesus for reminding me that we are all different.
and for reminding this chick that our power to live for you and do your kingdom work doesn't come from our "characteristics" our "traits" our "skills" or our "abilities."
IT COMES FROM BEING 100% committed to you.
thank you God for your faithfulness. your truth {your word}
your power {that NOTHING is more powerful}
if you're reading:
you are His. you are meek. you are strong because of His power that lives in you. you're loved. cherished. protected. and c a l l e d.
He is faithful. Always F A i T H F U L.
He is power. ALL C O N S U M i N G.
And He is all we need.
this year: a young (well, sort of) woman. a, well, still a stubborn, but less stubborn woman. a focused woman. a healing woman.
Going into to reCreate this year, i was in a different place. a new place. a refreshing place. a place i've longed for for years.
i am closer to Jesus than i ever knew i could be. and that's no sugar coated lie: that's the truth. here's why:
a few weeks ago, in the midst of battling, for the last several months an exhausting struggle with my self image: i woke up and decided to stand up in the strength of C H R i S T and made a decision i was done letting Him run my life.
i believe my exact words, were, while laying in my bed one morning after a week on bed rest after my appendectomy (yes, it was humorous praying for strength a week after surgery!) were as follows:
i am so over the enemy. and i'm done letting him run my life. done letting him keep me in fear.done letting him keep my family in strongholds, lost in a broken dark abyss. done letting him lie to me. but most importantly, i'm done letting him suck me dry of the J O Y, L i FE, p e a c e, and F R E E D O M that i know GOD HAS FOR ME.
with that being said, i simply began to thank GOD.
i thanked God for salvation. i got on my knees and bursted into tears confessing that if salvation, a relationship with Him and eternity were all He ever gave me, that would be enough to give Him endless praise!
by the way, this is true. Just by His sacrifice of Jesus alone makes Him forever worthy of ALL OF MY PRAISE AND WORSHIP, FOREVER.
an overwhelming presence of the Holy Spirit flooded over me and i began to become overwhelmed with thankfulness, aware of His goodness, His mercy, His grace, His protection, His provision, His plan, His will, His truth, His W O R D.
but most of all : H i s L O V E.
i tell you all of this not to brag on how W O N D E R F U L my relationship with God is, but of the condition i was in when i attended reCreate.
365 days ago, it was opposite.
i was grieving. i was hurt. fearful. insecure. unsure. busy. exhausted. i was, in a nutshell, ya girl wasn't feeling it.
these two young women: well, they were night and day.
here's the difference between then and now. really and truly:
i'm still stubborn. (SHOCKER.)
i'm still broken. (wouldn't want to be any other way.)
i still have questions. (but like, seriously. who doesn't?)
i'm still distracted. (wait…what was i just saying…?)
i'm still healing. (no, not from my appendectomy…emotionally..oh COME ON. it was funny and you know it.)
i am all of these things and more, but there is one difference:
j e s u s is alive in me. and He is more than POWERFUL enough to conquer all of these things.
more importantly: i have decided, that i am as to come to Him J U S T as i am. why? because it is too exhausting to be anything but myself.
i had the honor and the privilege of meeting LiSA BEVERE at reCreate. she spoke a word over me that was right on time. she said many things, all of which i will treasure in my heart forever.
one thing she spoke, as she looked into my eyes and had her arm around me stuck out to me:
there is freedom in being yourself.
there is freedom in being yourself.
there is freedom in being yourself.
i appreciate Lisa Bevere. i appreciate her getting up on stage in pleather, i appreciate her loud voice, her passion, and the strength that floods from her. i appreciate her humor, her boldness, and the transparency that she brings.
as she spoke her first message on L i o n e s s arising, i looked around the room in the auditorium at Highlands.
every single woman in that room was different. yet, when we began to worship, every single difference faded away and we were united.
while i was looking over God's word while writing this, the Lord led me to a chapter in Matthew 5:3, (yes, the beginning of the Sermon on the Mount!) that quite honestly, i used to avoid, for two different reasons.
when somebody dies, often m a t t h e w 5:4 is quoted. "blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."
after my sweet mother went on to be with the Lord, all i heard was this verse. and honestly, i wasn't in a place for a long time where i could receive this and be at peace a year ago.
but now? i laugh and am overjoyed. what truth God's word speaks. it took time, and more significantly a major work of the holy spirit, but His word has kept promise in my life.
the next verse in Matthew 5:5 i didn't particularly avoid, it just always rubbed me the wrong way. perhaps because i never looked into what the word m e e k actually means and never truly understood it.
now here's the interesting part, God led me particularly to these words in Matthew. He brought me back to reflect on the most painful part of my past and revealed how His word has kept promise and not come back void.
He has comforted me and given me unexplainable peace in the loss of my mother.
as i was reading, the Holy Spirit led me down to the next verse.
"blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth."
the enemy's STUPID voice lingered in my head. yea, there's freedom in being yourself, and that's great…but…YOU'RE NOT MEEK. HA. you're the opposite. you're loud, obnoxious, you're anything but meek. you're not quiet. you're not meek. you're anything but. you won't be blessed and you won't inherit the earth.
now i know this seems dramatic, but honestly, the enemy gets me like this. He's a liar. Oh and he's also Satan so, yeah. He's like, super cruel.
picture this: i'm coming off of this incredible, Holy Spirit filled conference. Believing the truth, had just met my role model, i'm inspired, i'm filled, i'm free…and here comes the devil, while i'm reading my BIBLE. yes, to all the holy rollers, the enemy starts speaking to me while i'm reading the Word.
puzzled, while reflecting on the words that Lisa Bevere spoke, the image of all those women in the auditorium, and the empowerment that i felt flood me in my 2 days at reCreate, i looked up the definition of meek. i felt led to do it and so i did.
it blew my mind. OH IT BLEW MY MIND.
and it SHUT THE DEVIL UP.
3 different definitions:
- Those without a lot of personal strength or power.
- Meekness is mentioned as one of the fruits of the Spirit, one of the characteristics of Christ.
- The Greek word used in the phrase means 'gentle'. It refers to those with a spirit that is free of vanity, who are willing and obedient to God's leading, and are humble and patient in affliction.
I want you to re-read this.
in my head, i'm thinking Lisa Bevere is the strongest woman of God I have ever met! She is bold, she is loud, she isn't afraid…
i have desperately desired to be a powerful speaker. the Lord stirs within me, a passion burning inside me just waiting to get out.
coming off of my R e C r e a t e adrenaline, inside i'm shouting…(something like this:)
i have desperately desired to be a powerful speaker. the Lord stirs within me, a passion burning inside me just waiting to get out.
coming off of my R e C r e a t e adrenaline, inside i'm shouting…(something like this:)
ALL HAIL TO BOLD POWERFUL WOMEN WHO AREN'T AFRAID TO SPEAK THEIR MINDS AND GET UP ON STAGE AND PREACH!i carry those characteristics! i am a warrior, a deborah for the kingdom! a fighter! GOD! i'm powerful! she's powerful! USE ME!
in that moment, the Holy Spirit directed me back towards this scripture: and i heard the Spirit speak to me, softly but sternly and say: SHE isn't powerful. She is meek. because she is obedient and submitted to God, He is powerful through her and because of that, she can preach on stage and be herself because she is found in Him.
she is P O W E R F U L because of who Christ is in HER.
next, a gentle tapping on my heart strings:
and you, you are meek too. the more obedient and submitted you become to me, then will you overflow with my living power inside of you.
and that power? nothing, no, nothing, my daughter can withhold that power.
she is P O W E R F U L because of who Christ is in HER.
next, a gentle tapping on my heart strings:
and you, you are meek too. the more obedient and submitted you become to me, then will you overflow with my living power inside of you.
and that power? nothing, no, nothing, my daughter can withhold that power.
here came the "OHHHHH" moment that Pastor Chris likes to refer to so often.
meek does make us weak.
and hallelujah to that.
because i don't want my own power.
relying on my own power does nothing for me.
meek doest mean we lay down on the ground, defenseless.
m e e k means we rely on something bigger: H i M. and (let me get all southern right here) AIN'T NOTHING MORE POWERFUL THAN OUR GOD. (those reading currently should be shouting, "AMEN!"
in H i m lies our strength:
THE MOST POWERFUL OF ALL POWER: THE RESURRECTION POWER can live, move, and work inside of us!
and hallelujah to that.
because i don't want my own power.
relying on my own power does nothing for me.
meek doest mean we lay down on the ground, defenseless.
m e e k means we rely on something bigger: H i M. and (let me get all southern right here) AIN'T NOTHING MORE POWERFUL THAN OUR GOD. (those reading currently should be shouting, "AMEN!"
in H i m lies our strength:
THE MOST POWERFUL OF ALL POWER: THE RESURRECTION POWER can live, move, and work inside of us!
i find the Lord hilarious. mainly because everybody is always saying He has no time agenda, but how T i M E L Y does He work in my life...
almost to date, 365 days, the Lord brought me back to His word to see His promise fulfilled in His word and in my life, and to teach me something new in this very season of my life, using the exact same tool: His word.
"see, i am doing a new thing! now it springs up, do you not perceive it? i will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert…" i s a i a h 43:19
a year ago- i could gain no peace from "blessed are those who mourn." i wasn't in a place with the Lord where i could receive that. i loved Him- but there were strongholds and walls that i couldn't let go of yet.
this season- a season of self discovery and finding who i am with him, i had been struggling with being "meek". i thought it was gentle. quiet. (which, let's be serious, if anybody knows me, you know i…well, i am a bull in a china shop who was born in Boston…so to say the least, i am not these things…
no, you are not these things, He says, but you are mine and i created you to be exactly who you are. and, no, nobody ever said you are required to be gentle and quiet, (maybe sometimes, my Daddy whispers, with a laugh.)
God decided to speak to me. to urge me with a gentle whisper from the Spirit, directing me back to a place of hurt, to reveal even more of His goodness, His faithfulness, His truth…
here He revealed the truth behind meek. humble, low of vanity, patient in affliction. obedient and submitted.
you are these things. Y o u r obedience to me determines the living power inside of you.
i don't know about any of you, but i need all of His power i can get. (CAN i GET A WiTNESS?!)
i can't do this on my own. without Him i am nothing.
i want to be humble.
i want to be low of vanity.
patient in affliction.
one hundred percent obedient and submitted to my Heavenly Father and His will for my life.
thank you, Jesus for reminding me that we are all different.
and for reminding this chick that our power to live for you and do your kingdom work doesn't come from our "characteristics" our "traits" our "skills" or our "abilities."
IT COMES FROM BEING 100% committed to you.
thank you God for your faithfulness. your truth {your word}
your power {that NOTHING is more powerful}
if you're reading:
you are His. you are meek. you are strong because of His power that lives in you. you're loved. cherished. protected. and c a l l e d.
He is faithful. Always F A i T H F U L.
He is power. ALL C O N S U M i N G.
And He is all we need.
X o X O,
c a i t l i n
c a i t l i n
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