S i N C E || W H E N

i haven't been sleeping much the past few nights.

i'm about to fire melatonin for not doing it's job. 

nonetheless, i have lots on my mind. 

it's been a really trying past few months. 

the other night, i kept waking up. 

it was one of those... "it's 12:30. i have 6 more hours. it's 1:30. i have 5 more hours. it's...." you get the point.

finally, i picked up my phone and opened my notes. 

the first words i typed were "take off the mask."

quite surprising since the last few months i've barely been able to communicate honestly about what's being going on with me.

then i laughed. because the Holy Spirit so graciously speaks to us in the moments we need it the most. 

even if it is when you're sleep deprived and wide awake and looking like the loch ness monster at 2am. 

i mean, but seriously, i've battled this the last 4 months. 

mainly because there's such a fear to be real and open and transparent with people about what's going in and your life and how you're really feeling.

and i'm not talking acquaintances or people that aren't really a part of your life. 

quite the opposite.

how have we become so afraid to speak openly and communicate genuine emotion with OUR people? 

we all have people. you know. our people. our person. those friends. 

like, somebody just broke your heart and you call them and they know exactly what to say.

or, if you're a girl, you're having a mental breakdown for the 900th time this week and you just need to vent.

or you're so burnt out that you just need to cry. and they'll sit in silence with you and let you. 

the more i laid in bed and thought about it, the more i just couldn't kick the thought of how incapable most of us have become at being vulnerable. 

what's "real" these days is so far from what reality is. 

and it fills me with righteous anger.

lots of it. 

why is it, in a world where nobody has any problem talking about ANYTHING lewd and crude and boasting about their sin...is it so hard to talk struggle, fear, frustration and pain? 

because...let's pause for a second. let's just be real for a second.

isn't that what most of us are experiencing on the day to day? 

GASP. yeah, i just said that.

Christians experience struggle | fear | pain | frustration. 

SHOCK, i know. 

newsflash to everybody in the world: talking about these things doesn't make us BAD or WEAK Christians. 

it actually makes us MORE like JESUS.

and, um, isn't this the goal? 

how can we live a vulnerable life if we hide behind fake smiles? 

most of what Jesus did was keeping it real. He addressed issues. Face to face. He was bold and unafraid. He condemned the religious patterns and longed for people to understand the need for real, authentic, loving relationship with others. And HE talked about issues. 

He didn't run away from them. He didn't shy away from them. And He certainly didn't FAKE anything.

there's also one BIG difference between what Jesus did and what you and I do. 

Jesus never stayed focused in the midst of people's problems. He never stayed focused on the pain and suffering that others were enduring. 

He kept eternally minded. He focused on being present, but He also kept equally focused on  trust, hope, faith and the future.

He didn't shy away from issues. and if we are to exemplify Him in all we do, then neither should we.

yesterday i read a quote and it hit me right in the middle of my gut.

Jesus did not come to fix it all. He came to be with us in the middle of it all. 

i think one reason we are so scared to talk about our problems is that we have the altogether wrong view of who our Jesus is sometimes. 

the Cross had many purposes.

and i am beyond thankful for each and every one of them.

but one of the purposes, particularly in this season that i am focused on and so grateful for is this:

the Cross wasn't to take away our problems. it was to give us somebody to walk through them with us. 

remaining faithful doesn't mean we live a picture perfect life, problem free, ignore all of our problems and are happy all of the time.

it means that REGARDLESS of what we go through, we cling to the only One who can help us through it. 

and that we talk. that we communicate. first, to our Jesus, who IS LISTENING!

"Because he bends down to listen,
    I will pray as long as I have breath!" || PSALM 116:2

but also, that we talk to others. our people. 

if there is anything that i have learned through these past few months is that keeping silent has done nothing for me.

God has placed me in a loving church, focused on relationships with others. 

He has placed incredible pastors, mentors, teachers, and friends that have become my family in my life.

HE has given me people who i am immensely loved by, cared by, and who love me for me.

so, since when have i fallen back into wearing a mask around these people? 

God has given us permission to be exactly who we are and to be open about what we're going through. 

since when is it our job to lock ourselves back into the room of isolation?

what good does it do us? 

the answer isn't rocket science : it does us NO good.

more important, what message does it send to our Jesus?

see, i'm a firm believer that others find a way to the Kingdom and see the reflection of Jesus when they see us in in the middle of our brokenness, comforted by a loving Savior who is greater than it ALL.

not when we hide and are superficial. 

the world's had enough superficial for eternity.

they want real. 

people want to know they can be accepted right where they are, loved for who they are and not judged for who they aren't and what they're going through.

since when are we to think that we should have it all together? really. since when?

the WORLD // our broken lives // humanity//

will always be full of chaos, pain, brokenness and hardship. 

but Jesus. 

the Cross happened as a result of us not having the capability to ever have it together.

it serves as a promise that we are stitched together by Him and not our own efforts or good intentions. 

He invades brokenness. 

i can attest that the times where i have felt the loving presence of Jesus...

...the power of the Holy Spirit 

....the loving, calming, powerful, truthful voice of the Father...

were in the times where i have been surrounded by brothers, sisters, spiritual fathers and mothers of the faith...

sometimes just a few, sometimes more. 

surrendered before God, completely open, vulnerable and transparent. 

"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." || JAMES 5:16

"For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them." || MATTHEW 18:20

i don't know about you, but i cannot and i will not do this life alone.

just closing myself off these past few months have done enough damage. 

thankfully His grace is sufficient and the people in my life have so very gracefully stood by me, in my moments of isolation, never having left my side.

it's time to speak. to be honest. unafraid to be broken. bold enough to say how weak we actually are feeling. 

"and let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another- and all the more as you see the Day approaching." || ROMANS 10:25.

to neglect meeting and talking with our people, our army, 

is to GIVE up what God has rightly given us. 

it is to take in vain the the free encouragement, love, and help of other Christians in the faith. 

when we gather is where we share our faith, our hope, our struggles, our pain....it is simply where we strengthen each other in the Lord.

and ALL of us, every single one of us, need it.

the closer we get to the day of His return, the more struggle and persecution we will face. 

we need to be reminded in the chaotic, messy, broken walk that is our life that Jesus is in the middle of the mess and He is our peace. He is walking with us. 

and all He whispers is "come closer." 

GOD just wants our heart. every thought, every tear, every broken piece. 

after all: He created it. we belong to Him.

we need our people. we need to talk. we need to walk, and fight and battle for each other. 

SINCE WHEN are we to do life alone?

until next time. 

x o x o,

C A i T L i N

what's in a name?

i've been thinking a lot lately about names. 

and for you MEGA Christians, this has nothing to do with the release of Hillsong's "No other Name" album. 

ok, fine. you caught me. it does a little bit. when i feel inspired, i gotta run with it. it's the Holy Spirit. i'm a writer. deal with it. 

you know, names hold a lot of power. think about it.

a lot of people in life think long and hard about what they want to name things:

cars, pets, babies…

( i feel like that order is a bit off but…whatever. don't judge me.) 

my point is that names hold power. 

we think a lot about them.

they carry meanings, definitions, and sometimes hold special places in our heart. 

just to know a name can simply be special to us. it may remind us of somebody, a time with that person, a name of a parent or a sibling, or somebody that we met or knew along the way. they can remind us of a particular time in our life when that name, that person  was present in our life during a tough season.

names. they identify us. don't they?

i can bet if you're reading this, you also know that there's been a time where you've been called a name that has hurt you. maybe you brushed it off, maybe it has stuck with you. maybe you're battling it today. 

names are special. names have meaning. sometimes good. and sometimes bad. and lastly, names have power. 

say what you will, but names have power.

they are what designate us. what we are called. they are how we're known.

in case you're wondering, this is the moment in the blog where i'm gonna go spiritual. i know you were waiting for it. here it is.

i don't know about you, but there's one name that, tonight, i am BEYOND grateful to know. 

the smallest whisper and it brings a calming peace that nothing else can compare to.

just the mention of it and demons flee.

the shout of it and everything else B O W S.

that name would be Jesus. 

if you're reading this, i hope you know Jesus. if you don't, i would love to talk with you and pray for you! 

anyway, Jesus is pretty cool. 

HE , to put it simply, invaded my heart 3 years ago and my life has been wrecked (in the best way possible), ever since. 

he takes the broken and makes them beautiful.

he rescues us out of pits of hell and gives us a { s a f e refuge } to rest in. 

there are millions of things i could go on and on about. 

so many things i love about Him. 

perhaps my favorite thing about my Jesus is the fact that H E is a redeemer. 

the fact that i love this word may be news to you, especially since the name of my blog is a heart R E D E E M E D. ( sarcasm, again. sorry. not sorry.) 


this whole blog post was stirred by a random conversation i was having the other day. 

i found myself talking about names and what they meant.

immediately, i flashed back to the day, many years, before i accepted Jesus as my Savior, to the day i googled the meaning of my name. 

Caitlin Ann.

i have always been super proud to carry the name "ann". it is my grandmother's midde name, but the one she is called by. i am honored to carry her name. but i never knew what it meant.

i remember googling what my name meant. it was a very, very dark period in my life. 

i would, in fact, very boldly, call it my rock bottom.

drugs, parties, guys…my life revolved around these things. 

drugs + alcohol blurred everything around me.

parties became my whole life and my identity. i was deemed the "crazy party girl" and i gladly fulfilled it. 

guys used me. they consumed me. they abused me. they left me tarnished and stained, empty, but filled, broken into pieces, never to be put back together AGAIN. 

there i sat, desperately seeking to know who I was, to see if I could find my identity, my true identity in all of the darkness that had invaded what was now my life. 

i laughed, mocking the definition of my name on the screen as i read it before me.

caitlin: derived from Kathleen. Irish. "pure."

ann: derived from hebrew. "He has favored me."

what a CROCK. i remember thinking, i am the furthest thing from pure. i am the furthest person from God. and take a look at my life. i am not favored. i am nothing. 

with that, i slunk back into my pity party of a life, blurring my thoughts, feelings and emotions with parties, drugs, and guys…and moved on.

every now and then i'd say in conversation, "my name means PURE. how hilarious is that?! too bad i'm the complete opposite!" 

my friends and i would have great laughs, mocking at how far i was from what my name actually meant. it became a running joke. 

somebody else was laughing. yes. God was laughing. 

fast forward to year 3 in relationship with my Jesus. 

i sat at a table, talking to a friend about sexual impurity. we started talking about the favor of God. we started talking life, calling, and Jesus.


it is part of my calling to minister to women who have been abused in this way, and/ or have tried to gain their worth by giving themselves away.

it is part of my calling to minister to ones who have never dreamed of being "favored by God", who have never felt loved or felt any goodness or joy. 

i started smiling and laughing. why? B E C A U S E:

i was never going to be the example for "purity." 

i was never going to be the example for "favored."

i started laughing and i started laughing loud. 

because despite my complete doubt, insecurity, and insane mocking all of those years before, my Jesus HAS completely redeemed my true name.

my favorite definition of redeem is to recover. to get back. to restore to it's original purpose. 

yes. He took an impure girl and restored to her what He always intended…purity.

He took favor that had been stolen from her by the enemy and blessed her life with an abundance of it. 

i laughed. He laughed.

not only did he recover my name and make it my true identity again, but He has called me to speak out on the things He has always intended for me. 

favor. purity. 

he has blessed a girl who lived years feeling empty, worthless and a big pile of nothing with inexplainable favor.

i mean, literally, and i'm not talking something happens and we wave "favor ain't fair"….but times where it has been only the hand of God that has given me or blessed me with something that i never could have imagined. 

in so many ways. 

he took the dirty and washed it pure as snow with His blood. 

nothing is impossible for Him. 

we all have a name. 

we all have an identity in Him. 

And He wants to fulfill the truth in it. He wants to recover it if it's lost. 

i'm going to leave you with this:

the enemy of this world knows our name and calls us by our SIN. God knows our sin but calls us by our NAME.

you are His. he wants to restore you. 

Jesus died and lives to redeem you. 

he is calling you home.

everything is in a name. it's how people identify you.

and you are worth nothing less than being identified as a daughter or son of the King. of the most high God. a child. an heir. royalty. redeemed. chosen. purposed. 

the greatest name. no other name. is calling you by your true name: will you answer?

until next time,

xoxo,

c a i t l i n

where it LEADS us.

recently, i found myself walking up a huge hill to watch the sunset. 

truly, i wasn't walking up there to watch the sunset. 

i pulled over and jumped out of my car. i just wanted some fresh air.  

i honestly just needed some alone time. anybody ever have one of those days?

as i was ascending the hill, i looked down and caught a glimpse of my brown boots, covered in dirt, moving slowly, one foot in front of the other.

my boots are dirty, i thought to myself. 

i heard myself breathing heavily. sweat dripped from my forehead in the 40 degree weather. my body is tired. 

i kept my feet going, one step after another, until finally, i didn't notice how dirty my boots are or how tired my body was, because i had reached the most incredible view.

it looked like a painting. orange and brown and red and yellow trees lining the green fields of grass. the sun modestly hiding behind the tops of the trees but shining brightly, nonetheless.

honestly, it took my breath away. 

which is hard to do these days. 

not because it's hard to see the beauty in this world. 

it's all around us. every moment. every day.

rather, because it's easier sometimes to focus on our suffering and forget the beauty. 

for months, i have battled with health problems that, at most moments during the day, have seemed to drain me of every possible ounce of energy that i have.

and while i can absolutely 100% say with confidence and THANKFULNESS that i am not dealing with cancer, an addiction, or have been given a limited amount of time to live, i have had my fair share of not so great health conditions the past few months. 

it has lead me, to a place that has felt deeper and darker than the wilderness, if that is even possible. 

nothing about suffering is beautiful. 

that is, until we remember the Jesus…my Jesus…our Jesus…who came and MADE suffering beautiful. 

when Jesus is in the middle of anything, it is made beautiful. 

agony, torment, torture; pain, distress.

wasn't this the Cross? 

the cross without Jesus is just the above words. there is no beauty. 

until we remember our Jesus in the very middle of the torment that brought us our freedom…

until we remember where the suffering He himself endured brought Him…

p a r a d i s e.

we have a choice of where our suffering leads us. we choose to let it leads us to defeat, or we choose to let it lead us to purpose.

suffering always takes us somewhere beautiful. somewhere worth it. always.

sitting and watching this beautiful sunset, i looked down at my feet. 

i'm a writer, i'm a dreamer, i'm a visual. very rarely do i glance over at things and not ponder them in their entirety. 

this is just who God created me to be. 

my feet. i begin to think about all of the places they have traveled. 

the highest mountains. the lowest valleys. 

everything in between. 

it got me thinking about the journey. 

recently, in the midst of some extremely undesirable circumstances, i was talking to a spiritual authority in my life. somebody who has seen me walk through this faith journey the past four years. 

he's seen the brokenness. the growth. the pain. the hell. the beauty. the faith. the doubt. the mountains. the valleys.

he's watched me travel the journey. 

he spoke, what i believe, were the very words from my Dad in Heaven. 

"life isn't about getting through the season you're in and moving to another season. it's about growing in EVERY season you're in."

it may not seem like heavy revelation to you, but on that very day, i needed to hear those God breathed words more than i needed oxygen itself.

i promise, there's a point to this blog. the point, is this. 

for months, maybe even years now, i have had a fighter mindset. 

i'm gonna push through this so i can finally get to the place where God wants me.

i have to overcome this battle and this season so God can use me the way He wants me. 

just yesterday, i let this all go. 

because it's not about getting through just to get to the next.

it's about what He does inside of us during EVERY single season. 

don't get me wrong. God uses every single thing that we experience and encounter for our testimony and to uses it all for good. There is PURPOSE behind it all.

(romans 8:28 . genesis 50:20)

to answer the title of this blog…

suffering can take us all kinds of places. 

but perhaps the greatest, most beautiful place of all it takes us…is deeper and deeper into a majestic love with our Savior.

in the moments where i have felt the lowest, the sickest, like i can't take one more breath…

he has met me there. and he has never faltered. 

suffering: it grows us. 

and if we'll let it…if we'll surrender…

if we'll give up the fight, the stubbornness of doing it in our own strength, the independent spirit,  it will lead us to the most beautiful place of all: 

right in the very midst of the presence of Jesus. P A R A D I S E.

the very reason that Jesus was crucified.

so we could be free to live abundant life, in the very paradise of His presence.

{ leads (verb) : to go before or show the way, to hold or     guide. }

suffering. praise God for letting pain graciously lead us to the greatest place we could ever be…

a SAFE refuge. the DEEPEST love. overflowing mercy. overwhelming grace. OUR greatest comfort. 

jesus. 

my circumstances haven't changed. but one thing has. i have never been closer to jesus than i am in this moment. and for that, i am forever grateful.

until next time,

x o x o...

c a i t l i n

the great I am.

God said to Moses: "I AM WHO I AM. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: I AM has sent me to you." God also said  to Moses, "say this to the people of Israel: Yaweh, the God of your ancestors- the God of Abraham, the God of Issac, the God of Jacob-has sent me to you. This is my eternal name, my name to REMEMBER for all generations." 

exodus 3:14-15

most of us know the story. we know that a transcendent God appeared in the form of a burning bush to speak to Moses and command him to lead the Israelites out of captivity. 

okay, hold up. pause. i know that what I'm about to say is ridiculous, but i find the STRANGEST part of this exchange between God and Moses is the very last words God says to Him in this passage. 

"this is my eternal name. my name to remember for all generations." (NLT)

i think it's funny, strange, and altogether odd that, um, well, the GOD of the Universe…

the Creator of the Heavens and the Earth.

the Creator of human life. 

the One who knew us before we were formed in our mother's womb.

the one who placed every single star in the sky.

the one who gives breath and who takes it away….

(just to name a few…)

yes. that GOD…OUR GOD...

would stop and speak those words to Moses. 

remember.

"this has always been my name. and this is always how i'll be known." (MSG)

"this is my name forever. by this name i am to remembered by all people for all time." (NLV)

why would our GOD tell us to remember HIS NAME? 

i'll give you the answer. (hint: it's not rocket science.)

he breathed these very words to Moses, to the people of Israel and to you and I because…

we forget. (are you surprised? that is some heavy revelation right there.)

i'm a typical writer, so forgive me, but I looked up the definition of the word "forget." 

i found two that NAIL what we do to God…sometimes daily, weekly, monthly and yearly. 

we forget Him. 

"be unable to recall." 

"to not mention, or to leave unnoticed." 

if i'm being honest, and why wouldn't I be because this is my own personal blog, i'm writing today to pour out my heart in hopes that my words and His words would encourage you.

i'd hope to encourage you, because for the past few months, i have been on a journey walking through some of the darkest places i've ever been with what seems like…just myself.

that is not the truth. 

but it's how i've felt. 

that's how i felt...until one day not that long ago when i was sitting with a, pouring my heart out to God.

well that's what I was trying to do, anyway. but it wasn't happening. i had SO much to say i was screaming on the inside, but the pen wouldn't write. it WOULDN'T write. 

until all of the sudden it did write.

written October 16th, 2014

"when I am something, I am in it's entirety. When I am in something, I am it in it's entirety. When I say something, I mean it in it's entirety. When I look for someone, I look for them in their entirety. I am the Lord. And I do nothing half heartedly."

then the gentlest whisper came as the smallest tear ran down my face. 

Lord, I did not write this. 

"I know."

let's talk about the presence of Jesus knocking the wind out of you. 

see, for the past few months, life has been…well, it has been one punch to the gut after another.

physical ailments. 

financial struggle.

almost EVERY single one of my friends moving away. 

a diagnosis spoken over my body.

other diagnoses spoken over others in my life. 


| loneliness. depression. anxiety. struggle. fear. panic. |

up until the day the Lord spoke to me through written words, 

my life was focused on my circumstances. 

yes, He was still my God, i still loved and believed in Jesus…but a part of me felt not only like He had left me, but that He had kind of forgotten me.

but see, the truth was, not that God had forgotten me, but that i had become so entranced in my circumstances that i had forgotten Him. 

my life was clouded with all of my issues and i was spending every waking second worrying about my circumstances that i…

was unable to recall Him. 

left him unnoticed, and didn't bother to mention Him or include Him in my circumstances. 

this grieves God. 

obviously, that day i just didn't feel like i could take one more breath, where i was fed up wondering where He was in the midst of all of this, the Holy Spirit graciously revealed His answer.

the Word always answers us. it always shows God's heart towards us. 

and His heart NEVER changes. 

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever." HEBREWS 13:8

um, hello. Caitlin. i'm right here. i've been here all along. i said I would never leave you or forsake you. REMEMBER?

honestly, it sounds silly to say because, as Christians should we really have to REMEMBER to remember God in our day to day? 

i mean, a lot of people today forget God when things are going great… that's why so many people don't think they need "religion" or Jesus. my needs are being met, so why do I need to go to Church?

but quite honestly, in my opinion, i think God knew that it would be harder for us to remember Him when everything is falling apart.

all we have to do is forget. 

all we have to do is distance ourselves from our Bible for one second. to stop praying one morning. to stop talking to God because we feel like we don't have anything GOOD to say.

i mean, it is the enemy's job to steal kill & destroy, after all. 

the one thing he desires to destroy the most? 

RELATIONSHIP. 

why would he relent in trying to destroy the greatest relationship we all have…

the one between us and God? 

so in this moment of God speaking to me…

i realized one thing. 

you know what's more important and more powerful over our circumstances? 

GOD. (another shocker, i know.)

when He is involved in our lives, He is involved in it's entirety. 

that never changes. 

the great i am. 

everything in the WORLD that we need Him to be. ALL that He says He is. 

he doesn't change when our finances are going whack. 

he's still our provider. our daily bread.

he doesn't change when we feel lonely. 

he's with us always.

he doesn't change when we are feeling depressed.

he's walking WITH us through our deepest darkness, by our side, with his arms wrapped around us, not pointing his finger in condemnation. 

he doesn't change when we are unsure of the future, doubting ourself, filled with anxiety. 

he knows everything we don't know, and he promises to lead us graciously, day by day. he asks us to cast our burdens and worries on him, because He can HANDLE it. 

see, this is how we overcome sinking away in our circumstances.

we immerse ourselves in the Word of God and rely on it's TRUTH and it's POWER.

NO MATTER WHAT.

we don't SHY away from talking to our heavenly FATHER, the GREAT i AM, our ALL powerful, ALL knowing, good, gracious, loving, detail orientated, daddy in Heaven. 

we talk. we INVOLVE him. we RECALL him. we include Him. in every detail. 

he does nothing half heartedly. He is not our God some of the time, and slinks away other times.

He is IN all, ABOVE all, throughout ALL, and working in everything. 

great. extreme. intense. working for our good. 

a relationship is a two way street. He is ready. Ready to listen, ready to ACT. Ready to fight on our behalf. 

but it is our JOB to remember Him. to call on Him. to FIGHT for our relationship with Him. 

he is in all of it with us. 

he is everything.

power.

hope.

love. 

truth.

healing.

refuge.

safety.


PAUSE. remember him. 

our circumstances CHANGE. 

HE doesn't. 

His goodness doesn't. His word doesn't. His promises remain.

wherever you are today, whatever you are walking through, your LiFE is in the hands of the great i am. 

remember him.

xoxo,

caitlin