Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly,
To venture on wider seas
Where storms will show your mastery;
Where losing sight of land,
We shall find the stars.
i'm sitting here searching through my stickies on the background of my mac at starbucks. it's friday afternoon.
the above, the red is an excerpt it's from a poem that Pastor Craig Groeschel read in a sermon that he preached a while back.
the poem is called -disturb us, o Lord.-
B E A U T I F U L, isn't it?
the words pause you, don't they?
the poem stops me. takes my breath away. and makes me wonder.
when i read it, it shook me, down to the depths of my core. i don't know why i'm surprised. isn't that the way the Holy Spirit works?
that is why this post is centered around these 5 sentences. what they mean. and even more than that, what they mean specifically to me. because up until today, instead of dreams...i have been clouded with doubt. instead of looking further ahead, into the unknown, i have been trapped looking to the past.
i have lost sight of the shore, been tip toeing on rough waters hoping not to sink instead of holding tight the a n c h o r that centers my entire life.
let me preface you readers with a little intro with what's going on in my world.
things have been turned upside down in my world as of late: my family, my friendships, my school, my job, my future.
let's talk about vague. i don't think i could possibly be any more than i am being right now.
but that is because, in respect to all of these areas of my life, i have absolutely no idea what is going to happen.
and although Jesus has been my s a v i o r and lived in my heart for over two years now, the s o v e r e i g n i t y of Him in my life has been pushed away, by my own doing.
in plain english, i am admitting, yes, i am admitting, i am a control freak. and even funnier than that, i cannot handle change. which is odd. because on my strengthsquest test, i scored third in adaptability. which is being able to adapt. pretty much anywhere.
in the past few days when i have had no answers, and still have none, when i have been in what seems like the longest, most one sided waiting game i have ever possibly endured in my life (in case you didn't grasp that- it's been painful, oh and it isn't over yet), i have found myself saying over and over that i hate change.
i cannot handle it. it scares me.
but i scroll through the stickies on my mac today after a particularly emotionally draining day. and i find this poem. and i read it. over. and over. and over again.
and my fingers scroll down to this verse. and i close my eyes. and suddenly, my mind isn't clouded with and my brain isn't forecasted with doubt. but rather,
i am dreaming.
i am full of hope.
i am anchored to not only a future unknown, but anchored directly to the one who holds M E.
on a particularly drab, dark, cloudy day, the Holy Spirit prompted me with a thought...it was a gentle slap in the face, but nontheless, a slap in the face that woke me up and opened my eyes to a greater thought.
i am dreaming.
i am full of hope.
i am anchored to not only a future unknown, but anchored directly to the one who holds M E.
on a particularly drab, dark, cloudy day, the Holy Spirit prompted me with a thought...it was a gentle slap in the face, but nontheless, a slap in the face that woke me up and opened my eyes to a greater thought.
(by the way, i'm convinced that the Holy Spirit deals with me this way because it's just how I am. I am a yankee. He created me this way. A *gentle* slap in the face, jaw dropping revelation is usually what works best for me.)
#yankeeforlife <------ yes, that just happened. i hope you still continue to read! ;)
anyway, i continued to question why i still kept repeating over and over, i can't handle change. after all, i had scored "adaptability" in my top 3 strengths on my strengths quest test. in fact, i often feel i chase after change.
some have often called me impulsive because of how much i like change and adventure and moving and new decisions and new things!
i began to talk to myself. wait, i like change. so why...
why is everything unsure and shifting driving me insane right now? things are changing. so why can't i handle it?
HERE IT CAME: the answer, the slap, the revelation.
yes, caitlin, you like change. in fact you love it. but only when it's on your terms.
when you're controlling it, you love change.
um, ouch.
true. it's N E V E R easy to hear. but the Lord always graciously reveals the truth to us.
hard to hear, perhaps.
absolutely essential, y e s.
okay, so there i sat. and the the feeling wasn't condemnation. in fact, it was the opposite.
it was c o n v i c t i o n.
i flashed back to my last three years of my relationship with Christ.
one word kept appearing as my life flashed in pictures from the previous years.
s u r r e n d e r.
there are sweet moments. moments that i have experienced in my life...
full of conviction. revelation. surrender.
this was one of them.
so easily, we forget. that we are to l i v e and follow in Christ's footsteps.
it was a prompting in this moment of realization to s u r r e n d e r this spirit of control.
and to begin to dream...
b i g dreams.
dreams so big, dreams that can never happen without H i M.
the dreams that my father has e n g r a v e d deep in my heart.
they long, i long, He L O N G S for them to come to pass.
the beautiful, incredible part?
This is His will for our life.
reading this beautiful verse of the poem, i began to dig deep within His word.
saying "Lord, your will for my life" is one thing.
believing it, praying it, surrendering to Him completely and forsaking our control and O U R fleshly desires completely to follow Him...is a completely different story.
conviction began to set in when i opened my BiBLE.
in a great way.
J E S U S.
he knew. what was coming. he knew that enduring the c r o s s was what God willed Him to do. And greater, He K N E W that because of this s a c r i f i c e, this beautiful s u r r e n de r... He would be in paradise. He knew that people would find life, freedom, and salvation.
Eternity, glory, bliss, salvation, L I F E.
he knew death on a Cross was coming.
"And going a little farther, he fell on the ground and prayed that, if it were possible, the hour might pass from him. And he said, “Abba, Father, all things are possible for you. Remove this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.”
m a r k 14:35-36
i don't know about anybody else, but i'm just being real. Even if I knew paradise was coming, freedom was coming for people, paid debts for the worst of sinners, i still am pretty sure i wouldn't end my prayer with, "but not what i want, but what YOU WANT."
the sacrifice and selflessness of Christ leaves me in awe.
it leaves me desiring to pray NOTHING other than Gods will for my life, and J U M P off cliffs, (not literally), run out onto the ocean waves, tossing and turning, unknown...
knowing only one thing: that i am right in the middle of His will
his good, pleasing and perfect will.
before all else, i have realized, this past few days...that i am MANY THINGS TO GOD...
but i am, fearlessly, A
D I S C I P L E O F CHRIST.
i made a decision to s u r r e n d e r. to Him. His plans. His way. His timing.
and that, does not change.
it doesn't change because HE is the same, yesterday, today, and forever. His word NEVER CHANGES.
it doesn't change when i feel discouraged.
psalm 69:32
Let all who seek God's help be encouraged.
it doesn't change when i am unsure and fearful of what is to come.
1 john 4:18.
perfect love casts out fear.
it doesn't change when i am tired, worn down.
matthew 11:29
in me, you will find rest for your souls.
it doesn't change when i am impatient.
romans 8:25
it doesn't change when STORMS come, and it gets rough.
john 16:33
But take heart! I have overcome the world.
it doesn't change when EVERYTHING is turned upside down, and i am left with no answers, clinging to the ONLY S U R E and promised H O P E in this world:
C H R I S T.
let's sum this up. He holds my future.
jeremiah 29:11
i don't need to know what the future holds. I just need to know the One who holds me.
keep dreaming BIG, the Holy Spirit says.
keep trusting me, God says.
keep following me, Jesus says.
"and we know that God works all things together for good for those who love Him."
and boy, do i love Him.
XOXO,
CAITLIN.
#yankeeforlife <------ yes, that just happened. i hope you still continue to read! ;)
anyway, i continued to question why i still kept repeating over and over, i can't handle change. after all, i had scored "adaptability" in my top 3 strengths on my strengths quest test. in fact, i often feel i chase after change.
some have often called me impulsive because of how much i like change and adventure and moving and new decisions and new things!
i began to talk to myself. wait, i like change. so why...
why is everything unsure and shifting driving me insane right now? things are changing. so why can't i handle it?
HERE IT CAME: the answer, the slap, the revelation.
yes, caitlin, you like change. in fact you love it. but only when it's on your terms.
when you're controlling it, you love change.
um, ouch.
true. it's N E V E R easy to hear. but the Lord always graciously reveals the truth to us.
hard to hear, perhaps.
absolutely essential, y e s.
okay, so there i sat. and the the feeling wasn't condemnation. in fact, it was the opposite.
it was c o n v i c t i o n.
i flashed back to my last three years of my relationship with Christ.
one word kept appearing as my life flashed in pictures from the previous years.
s u r r e n d e r.
there are sweet moments. moments that i have experienced in my life...
full of conviction. revelation. surrender.
this was one of them.
so easily, we forget. that we are to l i v e and follow in Christ's footsteps.
it was a prompting in this moment of realization to s u r r e n d e r this spirit of control.
and to begin to dream...
b i g dreams.
dreams so big, dreams that can never happen without H i M.
the dreams that my father has e n g r a v e d deep in my heart.
they long, i long, He L O N G S for them to come to pass.
the beautiful, incredible part?
This is His will for our life.
reading this beautiful verse of the poem, i began to dig deep within His word.
saying "Lord, your will for my life" is one thing.
believing it, praying it, surrendering to Him completely and forsaking our control and O U R fleshly desires completely to follow Him...is a completely different story.
conviction began to set in when i opened my BiBLE.
in a great way.
J E S U S.
he knew. what was coming. he knew that enduring the c r o s s was what God willed Him to do. And greater, He K N E W that because of this s a c r i f i c e, this beautiful s u r r e n de r... He would be in paradise. He knew that people would find life, freedom, and salvation.
Eternity, glory, bliss, salvation, L I F E.
he knew death on a Cross was coming.
"And going a little farther, he fell on the ground and prayed that, if it were possible, the hour might pass from him. And he said, “Abba, Father, all things are possible for you. Remove this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.”
m a r k 14:35-36
i don't know about anybody else, but i'm just being real. Even if I knew paradise was coming, freedom was coming for people, paid debts for the worst of sinners, i still am pretty sure i wouldn't end my prayer with, "but not what i want, but what YOU WANT."
the sacrifice and selflessness of Christ leaves me in awe.
it leaves me desiring to pray NOTHING other than Gods will for my life, and J U M P off cliffs, (not literally), run out onto the ocean waves, tossing and turning, unknown...
knowing only one thing: that i am right in the middle of His will
his good, pleasing and perfect will.
before all else, i have realized, this past few days...that i am MANY THINGS TO GOD...
but i am, fearlessly, A
D I S C I P L E O F CHRIST.
i made a decision to s u r r e n d e r. to Him. His plans. His way. His timing.
and that, does not change.
it doesn't change because HE is the same, yesterday, today, and forever. His word NEVER CHANGES.
it doesn't change when i feel discouraged.
psalm 69:32
Let all who seek God's help be encouraged.
it doesn't change when i am unsure and fearful of what is to come.
1 john 4:18.
perfect love casts out fear.
it doesn't change when i am tired, worn down.
matthew 11:29
in me, you will find rest for your souls.
it doesn't change when i am impatient.
romans 8:25
But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.
it doesn't change when STORMS come, and it gets rough.
john 16:33
But take heart! I have overcome the world.
it doesn't change when EVERYTHING is turned upside down, and i am left with no answers, clinging to the ONLY S U R E and promised H O P E in this world:
C H R I S T.
let's sum this up. He holds my future.
jeremiah 29:11
i don't need to know what the future holds. I just need to know the One who holds me.
keep dreaming BIG, the Holy Spirit says.
keep trusting me, God says.
keep following me, Jesus says.
"and we know that God works all things together for good for those who love Him."
and boy, do i love Him.
XOXO,
CAITLIN.
