dear mom,
mothers day is tomorrow.
people always say "it's such a tough day for people without mothers."
but the truth is...every day without you is painful.
in the most normal, ordinary of moments and days, my heart grieves losing you. and on my diva, i'm a girl and sometimes i just have one of those "i want to pick up a phone and vent to my mom" days, i long for you.
tomorrow is just a day where it's a major celebration for mom's everywhere. and as it should be.
one older "momma" mentor in ministry told me a few years ago, "there is no job in the world like being a mother. perhaps it is the greatest job in all of the world."
that was y o u.
you were a mother. and now you're gone.
the past few days, i've been letting the brokenness and the grief of all of the motherless daughters flood my heart.
it's been overwhelming.
for some, loss was at a very young age. some abandoned. some from sickness. some for no reason. some, the battle of addiction.
whatever the reason, whenever it was, you were our mothers. and now, you're gone.
recently, i read an article entitled, "a letter to motherless daughters on mother's day."
a beautiful, touching article written to every young woman who has lost a mother.
as i went about the rest of my day, i began to think about you, mom. about the day three years ago when i heard the words, " she's gone. your mother is dead."
i can flash back to that day and remember every single detail of it. and the following minutes, hours, and days.
without a doubt, the most heart wrenching season of my entire life.
the saddest days, although, somehow, intricately woven with a surpassing peace only Jesus could provide me.
suddenly, just a few days ago, in the normalcy of my day, i heard the Holy Spirit whisper very, very gently to me: "you are not alone. and you are not motherless."
i weeped. sitting here as i type i weep.
the very promises tucked away in the Word of God resonating deep in my Spirit, flooding my heart.
something i have been waiting for, fighting (because i'm your daughter and i'm a little stubborn), running from (because i didn't know i deserved it) and ultimately accepting....because it is what God promised me and desires for me.
i know it's what you desire for me, too.
the walls of a hardened, motherless daughter finally broken. freedom from hurt, betrayal, and isolation.
as you know, and as so many others know, my heart became a hardened shell so many years ago in my young age without you.
i accepted the fact that i had no mother, and therefore, accepted the fact that i was not worthy of accepting of any nurture.
so, i fought. i fought against love, warmth, kindness, and nurture.
i rejected any "mother" figure in my life.
thankfully, mom, as you know, Jesus loves us way too much to let us stay where we are.
many, many prayers and the unconditional, trustworthy, unbroken love, grace and mercy of Jesus finally began to invade my heart and wreck me.
but it wasn't just His love that brought me here.
God, faithful in his promises, has "placed the lonely in families." P S A L M 68:6
he took me and surrounded me by so many loving "mothers."
he comforted me and spoke to the darkest depths of my heart: "there are so many women who can love you and guide you, if you'll let them."
i guess somewhere deep down i thought letting them love me would make YOUR love for me less.
perhaps, mom, i thought that in letting them be a part of my life, that they would REPLACE you.
as i sit here, i laugh and i weep. because let's be honest, who could ever replace you?
there was nobody in the world like you, mom. and, like mother like daughter, i'm sure everyone would agree there is nobody in the world like me.
a few years ago, before you went Home, i found a verse in psalm 27:10: "though my mother and father forsake me, the Lord will take care of me." i held onto it and still do to this day.
i have heard many people say, "it's a VOID that can never be filled."
but i agree to disagree.
you and i know that God's love is sufficient for all needs.
He promised to give me women who would love and guide me and ALWAYS direct me back to Jesus. and He has fulfilled. T E N F O L D.
they have, in all honesty, by the grace and compassion of Jesus, loved me back to L i F E.
but they don't fill that V O i D.
they don't heal the hurt. their words, their love, their grace, their time... it doesn't heal the hurt.
Jesus doesn't even fully fill the void. He never said He would.
mom, if there is one thing i have learned and am beyond thankful for in losing you...it is that it has made me find Jesus more.
it has given me a broken desperation for Him that i have never experienced before.
you and i both know He doesn't fully fill the void, because if He did, would i need Him EVERY day?
no, he doesn't fill it. but He comforts me. D A I L Y.
and oh, how He comforts me. Matthew 5:5 "BLESSED are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."
the void lingers.
Jesus doesn't promise the void won't linger, He promises to COMFORT us when it does.
and does it ever.
every wedding i see. i think about how you won't be there at mine.
every baby. it brings me back to the thought that if i ever have kids, you won't be there.
every birthday. because you brought me into the world.
mother's day. because i wish i could bring you tulips and tell you how much i love you, and would always love you, O N E last time.
when i see a cookbook. when i watch the red Sox. when i see tulips. ladybugs. watermelons. every time my mouth opens and i hear that loud, boisterous,authentic laugh, the one that comes directly from you. my obsession with blue cheese and target. when i see a woman pick up a woman's world magazine. those silly corn on the cob holders that you were obsessed with. cold cans of diet coke. and every time i see kids in beautiful, matching outfits, because let's face it: YOU WERE THE MASTER!
the truth is, the thought of you lingers around me, constantly. and in every of those moments, Jesus is faithful to BE there. to COMFORT.
BUT the truth is, the void is slowly filled each moment and each day by the memories we shared.
the most ordinary of days, wandering through consignment shops and thrift stores. watching home videos at nana's, eating our favorites from Zaxby's.riding the train at Tannehill and taking pictures. stocking up on cookies at Ruby Tuesday. falling, arm in arm at an altar together and confessing our belief, need, forgiveness and LOVE in our Jesus. you, being the very first one, (with your supermom power, without me telling you), to congratulate me on Highlands College. you. my Mother, telling me you knew i was MADE for ministry.
these things fill my void, little by little. each day i choose to remember the good memories. the sweet, precious mother daughter moments that far outweigh any of the bad that happened during the 24 years you were my M O T H E R.
so tomorrow, mom, and E V E R Y D A Y after that, i will continue to hold on and remember our memories. i will thank God for the moments that you and Him creatively decide to speak down from Heaven to me, in way of a ladybug, a yellow butterfly, or a field of tulips.
because the truth is, you're at Home with your Father. you are at peace. you are not battling. you are W H O L E and W H O L E Y loved.
and until the day i see YOU again, i will choose to find pieces of you every day until then.
i pray that i would honor and carry your legacy everyday. i pray that i am making you proud and that you are in awe at what the Lord has done in my life & what He has called me to do. i pray that you would be proud of the bold, fearless, and confident daughter that i have become. lastly, i pray that in every way i would honor your life, and gracefully share our story, in hopes that it will bring freedom to women; young and old, who have experienced the same. only and all to give God the glory and advance His Kingdom. thank you for bringing me into this world and into this family. i LOVE YOU.
a very happy Mother's day to you, Momma. i will see you again, soon.
X O X O,
C A b O O
*i want to wish a very Happy Mother's Day to all of the women God has intricately placed in my life to be my "moms." i couldn't have chosen any better. you have helped to heal me, shape me, love me, grow & develop me. you have NEVER given up on me! my mother is proud and blessed that i am in your care, under your wings, and am loved by you. Today and everyday, i honor you and T H A N K you. Happy Mother's day to Antoinette Sands, Aunt Wendy, Aunt Charlotte, Momma Larson, Tracie Amsted, Mia, Nicole LaRue, Emily Vazquez. I love you ALL!*
Saturday, May 9, 2015
Thursday, April 9, 2015
C O N S T a N T.
this isn't going to be a profound blog.
it's quite simple, actually. quite the opposite.
a simple reminder that God himself whispered to me a few day ago.
it's been several months on this journey of healing for me.
after months of my health deteriorating, with only misdiagnosis from my doctors, i prayed for an answer as to what was going on.
they told me i had endometriosis. complex ovarian cysts. chronic fatigue syndrome. anxiety. depression. GI issues. that it was all in my head. that i would never be able to have children.
i couldn't sleep. i couldn't eat. most days i could barely make it out of bed. i hit a wall. i thought i had cancer. i thought i was dying. i feared every day because nobody could tell me what was wrong.
less than a month later, after my Pastor prayed specifically for one, God gave me an answer. it was a miracle all in itself, because most people don't receive a concrete, blood test diagnosis for 2 years, sometimes longer, sometimes, they never do. i remember crying tears of JOY.
GOD ANSWERED.
so i started treatment for lyme disease that had been spreading in my body for seven months. i tested positive for a co infection, bartonella, and an active, reduplicating strand of epstein barr virus (otherwise known as chronic mono), and would later be diagnosed with ANOTHER co-infection, babesia.
i moved back to Boston for treatment because nobody will diagnosis or treat lyme disease in Birmingham.
let's fast forward 2 1/2 months to today.
i can't describe this season as anything other than a roller coaster.
every day is drastically different from the one before.
sometimes, i feel good and i CHERISH those days.
honestly, there is nothing like a chronic illness to make you realize just how much you take for granted.
others days, i can't even get out of bed.those are the bad days. those are the harder days.
one of my sister who has been battling the same thing, for much longer than i have, said to me yesterday in the midst of my frustration, "it's kinda how it goes, ya know. up and down. up and down."
she spoke those words to me after i responded to her asking how i was feeling.
lately, when people ask me that, i almost instantly collapse into a pile of tears. truly, it's easier to not have to answer.
honestly, the past three days have left me more discouraged than i've ever felt.
see, i started treatment and the first few weeks i felt really, really bad. which is normal, (despite what you may think), getting worse is to be expected. your body is reacting to the medicine and it goes into shock. this is called herxing, and it is a terrifying experience. if you don't start to feel worse, it's a bad sign.
i can do this, i said to myself, because if i feel this bad now, it can only get better. me feeling bad is a GOOD sign (as twisted as it seems.)
and surely, it did begin to get better. it took a WHILE- but i began to have more consistent days in a row where i felt okay. and then, actually, to my surprise, days where i felt GOOD.
i am so thankful for those days.
and before i knew it, some of my symptoms began to slowly disappear. and i wasn't complaining of being tired all of the time. AND I WAS ACTIVE! and HAVING A LIFE! and i felt NORMAL!
and then, all of a sudden, just like that...
in crept all of my old symptoms. with a vengeance. fatigue. foot pain. body aches. tremors. insomnia. nausea. ear pain. migraines. vision trouble.
in ONE second, everything changed back.
JUST. LIKE. THAT.
i sat quietly crying in my room to myself yesterday. (yes, i know, it's depressing. but i'm a GIRL. sometimes a girl needs a good cry, can i get a good AMEN?!) p.s. if you're a girl and you don't agree, something's wrong with you.
i just begin to speak softly (this is another joke - everyone knows I'm the loudest human on earth...) "God, is this a joke? when i feel like my foundation is finally solid, i begin to slip and fall AGAIN. it shifts AGAIN. up and down and up and down...is this really going to be my life?"
He didn't waste any time responding to me, but of course, in typical GOD fashion, He answered my question with a question.
can we just pause and talk about how irritating it is when somebody answers your question with a question? like, really guys. it makes me almost lose my Christianity on someone and wanna go ghetto yankee white girl hood on THEM.
for instance, you ask a friend : "what do you think?"
and they respond with: "well, what do YOU think?"
this is MY THOUGHT PROCESS: I JUST ASKED YOU THAT SAME QUESTION! ANSWER IT! just because you put more emphasis on pronouncing your "YOU" so it sounds different doesn't ACTUALLY make it different!
of course, thankfully i have more reverence for God and so He spoke:
"what is your foundation?"
i had a dramatic moment here. and for those of you who know me, i'm not dramatic. at all. most laid back human being you'll ever meet. (totally kidding, everyone who knows me is rolling their eyes right now and so is everybody up in the T R i N i T Y because NOBODY knows me better than they do...)
(picture this visually, with lots of hand gestures and hair flipping and it will make you laugh...)
"GOD! I'm sitting here in my room, POURING my heart out to you, crying before you, talking to you, asking you...and you want to ask me a QUESTION?! THAT question? of course you know the answer! God, of course YOU ARE my foundation!"
ok, get ready for some straight up HOLY ROLLER JESUS JUKE because ya'll wanna know how he answered?
"you just said your foundation was shifting and changing. that you were slipping and falling. that it was up and down. surely, i'm not your foundation. I DON'T SHIFT. I AM CONSTANT."
doesn't it burn your eyes even reading it?
yea, guys, i'm pretty tough, but i'm not going to lie, that struck me a bit hard too.
c o n v i c t i o n. immediately.
as soon as i heard the words, i began to repent.
i didn't feel condemned, i didn't feel selfish, i didn't feel stupid. | THAT'S NOT WHO OUR GOD IS.
i just simply had forgotten WHO and WHAT my foundation was.
and here He was, in utmost grace, gently reminding me.
let's take a moment and reflect on how cool He is. God, Creator of the Heavens and the Earth, and here He is, gently and gracefully, like the PATIENT Father He is, reminding His daughter of what she has forgotten. He's so cool.
i left that conversation with one word replaying over and over and over in my head.
C O N S T A N T. in case you guessed if i was gonna define it, of course i am, because i'm studying to be pastor and that's just what we DO, like, that's how i ROLL.
unceasing. persistent. unswerving in love and devotion.
and my FINAL, FAVORITE:
something that cannot change or vary.
so, i just began reflecting on the last several months of my life.
has God really, TRULY been my foundation?
it's easy to just say YES. it's harder to admit that we place other things before him.
we become comfortable. so a good doctors report becomes what i place my hope in. several good days. more hope. and before i know it, my hope is plucked out of my Father's hands, where it rightfully belongs, by me...and put where it will ultimately let me down.
without noticing it, i began to put my hope, faith and trust in my physical health and how i was feeling.
but when that started to shift, when i started to get worse, i began to slip and fall. WHY?
i became unsteady because what had become my FOUNDATION was not UNSHAKABLE.
there is only ONE constant. ONE unmoved. ONE UNSHAKABLE. ONE TRUE FOUNDATION.
and everything else is going to FAiL. hands down. | that's the truth. and everyone reading this needs to know it. JESUS is our CONSTANT. our FOUNDATION.
just because EVERYTHING ELSE around is is changing, shifting, up, and down doesn't mean WE DO WITH IT.
what was that verse in john 16:33 | i'm sure you have it hanging on your refrigerator, (just kidding- it's totally not that kind of verse)
"i have told you these things, so that IN me you may have peace. in the world you WILL have trouble- but take heart, i have overcome the world."
actually, it should be a reminder for all of us- DAILY. we will have trouble. but JESUS, our CONSTANT, has overcome.
His love is constant. His healing is constant. His grace is constant. His word is constant. e v e r y t h i n g He does is constant.
He is the same. yesterday. today. forever. | hebrews 13:8
see, right now, there is no end in sight for this disease going away, immediately. I trust, hope and believe that Jesus is sovereign and He is at work, working out my HEALING. but, right now - this is what is happening in my body and in my life.
it is shifting and changing.
and no matter what, things always will be. it doesn't matter WHAT it is, there will always be TROUBLE. there will always be PAIN. there will always be TRIALS.
but what we have to realize is that there will ALWAYS be something greater: JESUS.
things change. He doesn't.
seasons change. the Savior doesn't.
i simply needed to be reminded that when everything else feels CRAZY out of control, like a roller coaster, one day up, the next day down, there is my Jesus - persistent. unceasing.
to answer my own question- my life is what i will make of it. i make a choice to pick Jesus. every day. despite grim circumstances. despite bad news.
because every day we HAVE a choice. we can choose to let the enemy win, and live in defeat.
or | we cling to Jesus and claim His constant presence and goodness in our lives | NO MATTER WHAT IT MAY LOOK LIKE.
i'm not sure where you're at right now.
but i'm just here to remind you that Jesus is constant. and maybe you need to know that. maybe, you need to realign things in your life and shift your H O P E to Him.
maybe, you need to know that even though everything is changing around you, that isn't intimidating to God.
He is sovereign and He is unable to change, even if He tried.
let it sink in.
let it sink in again.
and again.
let his Word permeate your spirit.
have hope in His promises.
have hope in the constant. Jesus.
"He will not let your foot slip-- he who watches over you will not slumber" | psalm 121:3
"Our lives are in his hands, and he keeps our feet from stumbling." | psalm 66:9
"when i said, "my foot is slipping", your unfailing love, Lord, supported me." | psalm 94:18
it's quite simple, actually. quite the opposite.
a simple reminder that God himself whispered to me a few day ago.
it's been several months on this journey of healing for me.
after months of my health deteriorating, with only misdiagnosis from my doctors, i prayed for an answer as to what was going on.
they told me i had endometriosis. complex ovarian cysts. chronic fatigue syndrome. anxiety. depression. GI issues. that it was all in my head. that i would never be able to have children.
i couldn't sleep. i couldn't eat. most days i could barely make it out of bed. i hit a wall. i thought i had cancer. i thought i was dying. i feared every day because nobody could tell me what was wrong.
less than a month later, after my Pastor prayed specifically for one, God gave me an answer. it was a miracle all in itself, because most people don't receive a concrete, blood test diagnosis for 2 years, sometimes longer, sometimes, they never do. i remember crying tears of JOY.
GOD ANSWERED.
so i started treatment for lyme disease that had been spreading in my body for seven months. i tested positive for a co infection, bartonella, and an active, reduplicating strand of epstein barr virus (otherwise known as chronic mono), and would later be diagnosed with ANOTHER co-infection, babesia.
i moved back to Boston for treatment because nobody will diagnosis or treat lyme disease in Birmingham.
let's fast forward 2 1/2 months to today.
i can't describe this season as anything other than a roller coaster.
every day is drastically different from the one before.
sometimes, i feel good and i CHERISH those days.
honestly, there is nothing like a chronic illness to make you realize just how much you take for granted.
others days, i can't even get out of bed.those are the bad days. those are the harder days.
one of my sister who has been battling the same thing, for much longer than i have, said to me yesterday in the midst of my frustration, "it's kinda how it goes, ya know. up and down. up and down."
she spoke those words to me after i responded to her asking how i was feeling.
lately, when people ask me that, i almost instantly collapse into a pile of tears. truly, it's easier to not have to answer.
honestly, the past three days have left me more discouraged than i've ever felt.
see, i started treatment and the first few weeks i felt really, really bad. which is normal, (despite what you may think), getting worse is to be expected. your body is reacting to the medicine and it goes into shock. this is called herxing, and it is a terrifying experience. if you don't start to feel worse, it's a bad sign.
i can do this, i said to myself, because if i feel this bad now, it can only get better. me feeling bad is a GOOD sign (as twisted as it seems.)
and surely, it did begin to get better. it took a WHILE- but i began to have more consistent days in a row where i felt okay. and then, actually, to my surprise, days where i felt GOOD.
i am so thankful for those days.
and before i knew it, some of my symptoms began to slowly disappear. and i wasn't complaining of being tired all of the time. AND I WAS ACTIVE! and HAVING A LIFE! and i felt NORMAL!
and then, all of a sudden, just like that...
in crept all of my old symptoms. with a vengeance. fatigue. foot pain. body aches. tremors. insomnia. nausea. ear pain. migraines. vision trouble.
in ONE second, everything changed back.
JUST. LIKE. THAT.
i sat quietly crying in my room to myself yesterday. (yes, i know, it's depressing. but i'm a GIRL. sometimes a girl needs a good cry, can i get a good AMEN?!) p.s. if you're a girl and you don't agree, something's wrong with you.
i just begin to speak softly (this is another joke - everyone knows I'm the loudest human on earth...) "God, is this a joke? when i feel like my foundation is finally solid, i begin to slip and fall AGAIN. it shifts AGAIN. up and down and up and down...is this really going to be my life?"
He didn't waste any time responding to me, but of course, in typical GOD fashion, He answered my question with a question.
can we just pause and talk about how irritating it is when somebody answers your question with a question? like, really guys. it makes me almost lose my Christianity on someone and wanna go ghetto yankee white girl hood on THEM.
for instance, you ask a friend : "what do you think?"
and they respond with: "well, what do YOU think?"
this is MY THOUGHT PROCESS: I JUST ASKED YOU THAT SAME QUESTION! ANSWER IT! just because you put more emphasis on pronouncing your "YOU" so it sounds different doesn't ACTUALLY make it different!
of course, thankfully i have more reverence for God and so He spoke:
"what is your foundation?"
i had a dramatic moment here. and for those of you who know me, i'm not dramatic. at all. most laid back human being you'll ever meet. (totally kidding, everyone who knows me is rolling their eyes right now and so is everybody up in the T R i N i T Y because NOBODY knows me better than they do...)
(picture this visually, with lots of hand gestures and hair flipping and it will make you laugh...)
"GOD! I'm sitting here in my room, POURING my heart out to you, crying before you, talking to you, asking you...and you want to ask me a QUESTION?! THAT question? of course you know the answer! God, of course YOU ARE my foundation!"
ok, get ready for some straight up HOLY ROLLER JESUS JUKE because ya'll wanna know how he answered?
"you just said your foundation was shifting and changing. that you were slipping and falling. that it was up and down. surely, i'm not your foundation. I DON'T SHIFT. I AM CONSTANT."
doesn't it burn your eyes even reading it?
yea, guys, i'm pretty tough, but i'm not going to lie, that struck me a bit hard too.
c o n v i c t i o n. immediately.
as soon as i heard the words, i began to repent.
i didn't feel condemned, i didn't feel selfish, i didn't feel stupid. | THAT'S NOT WHO OUR GOD IS.
i just simply had forgotten WHO and WHAT my foundation was.
and here He was, in utmost grace, gently reminding me.
let's take a moment and reflect on how cool He is. God, Creator of the Heavens and the Earth, and here He is, gently and gracefully, like the PATIENT Father He is, reminding His daughter of what she has forgotten. He's so cool.
i left that conversation with one word replaying over and over and over in my head.
C O N S T A N T. in case you guessed if i was gonna define it, of course i am, because i'm studying to be pastor and that's just what we DO, like, that's how i ROLL.
unceasing. persistent. unswerving in love and devotion.
and my FINAL, FAVORITE:
something that cannot change or vary.
so, i just began reflecting on the last several months of my life.
has God really, TRULY been my foundation?
it's easy to just say YES. it's harder to admit that we place other things before him.
we become comfortable. so a good doctors report becomes what i place my hope in. several good days. more hope. and before i know it, my hope is plucked out of my Father's hands, where it rightfully belongs, by me...and put where it will ultimately let me down.
without noticing it, i began to put my hope, faith and trust in my physical health and how i was feeling.
but when that started to shift, when i started to get worse, i began to slip and fall. WHY?
i became unsteady because what had become my FOUNDATION was not UNSHAKABLE.
there is only ONE constant. ONE unmoved. ONE UNSHAKABLE. ONE TRUE FOUNDATION.
and everything else is going to FAiL. hands down. | that's the truth. and everyone reading this needs to know it. JESUS is our CONSTANT. our FOUNDATION.
just because EVERYTHING ELSE around is is changing, shifting, up, and down doesn't mean WE DO WITH IT.
what was that verse in john 16:33 | i'm sure you have it hanging on your refrigerator, (just kidding- it's totally not that kind of verse)
"i have told you these things, so that IN me you may have peace. in the world you WILL have trouble- but take heart, i have overcome the world."
actually, it should be a reminder for all of us- DAILY. we will have trouble. but JESUS, our CONSTANT, has overcome.
His love is constant. His healing is constant. His grace is constant. His word is constant. e v e r y t h i n g He does is constant.
He is the same. yesterday. today. forever. | hebrews 13:8
see, right now, there is no end in sight for this disease going away, immediately. I trust, hope and believe that Jesus is sovereign and He is at work, working out my HEALING. but, right now - this is what is happening in my body and in my life.
it is shifting and changing.
and no matter what, things always will be. it doesn't matter WHAT it is, there will always be TROUBLE. there will always be PAIN. there will always be TRIALS.
but what we have to realize is that there will ALWAYS be something greater: JESUS.
things change. He doesn't.
seasons change. the Savior doesn't.
i simply needed to be reminded that when everything else feels CRAZY out of control, like a roller coaster, one day up, the next day down, there is my Jesus - persistent. unceasing.
to answer my own question- my life is what i will make of it. i make a choice to pick Jesus. every day. despite grim circumstances. despite bad news.
because every day we HAVE a choice. we can choose to let the enemy win, and live in defeat.
or | we cling to Jesus and claim His constant presence and goodness in our lives | NO MATTER WHAT IT MAY LOOK LIKE.
i'm not sure where you're at right now.
but i'm just here to remind you that Jesus is constant. and maybe you need to know that. maybe, you need to realign things in your life and shift your H O P E to Him.
maybe, you need to know that even though everything is changing around you, that isn't intimidating to God.
He is sovereign and He is unable to change, even if He tried.
let it sink in.
let it sink in again.
and again.
let his Word permeate your spirit.
have hope in His promises.
have hope in the constant. Jesus.
"He will not let your foot slip-- he who watches over you will not slumber" | psalm 121:3
"Our lives are in his hands, and he keeps our feet from stumbling." | psalm 66:9
"when i said, "my foot is slipping", your unfailing love, Lord, supported me." | psalm 94:18
let us take a lesson from our Savior. God, help us to be constant in our faith in you. no matter what it looks like, Father, would you help us to be unceasing in our trust and hope in you. help us to be unswerving in our L O V E towards you, Jesus. we give it all to you. trusting that you'll make something beautiful. <3
until next time-
x o x o,
C A i T L i N
Thursday, March 12, 2015
S E A s O N S.
anybody remember when you've had a discouraging day, number of days, or perhaps even a week?
and you do your best to keep your joy, keep your head up, put one foot in front of the other and refuse to feel that way...but still you find yourself there?
and then somebody says something, you find something, you see something, or hear something and KNOW that it's God speaking to you?
sometimes in a way so simple that you never thought He could.
i believe that if we are followers of Jesus and are being led by His spirit, and praying in accordance to His will, we are never in a place that the Lord doesn't desire for us to be. not that He desires us in pain, but He is sovereign. and He did promise suffering of sorts to His children. me as His daughter. He did tell us there would be trouble. but to TAKE HEART// because Jesus has overcome.
still, this day i was pretty close to just calling it quits. and i mean like, seriously, calling it QUITS. packing up my stuff and leaving Boston. giving up on the proper treatment for my body. ready to end it. i mean, really. depressed, anxious, puffy eyes...you get the visual. (pretty, huh?)
thursday, 2/19 was the day before my birthday. up to that point, things had been pretty rough on me.
i had a doctors appointment that i was expecting to go fairly well, and instead, got the exact opposite of what i wanted to hear.
slowly, my hope began to dwindle. turning *__* the next day was only adding to my depression, and i found myself asking, "is this REALLY MY LIFE?" ( i know, i'm sorry Jesus.)
suddenly, i found myself so tired of being in the place that i was, feeling like i was going insane, i decided to go for a drive.
i needed to be ALONE. i needed QUIET. i didn't want people. in fact, i wasn't even interested that day in talking to Jesus. i wanted distraction. a breath of fresh (FREEZING COLD) air. PEACE.
when i'm having a moment, (or in this case, a series of DAYS, WEEKS, MONTHS...) i drive. it's a release for me.
all of the sudden i found myself in one of the neighborhoods i grew up in.
in boxford. beautiful. peaceful. covered in snow.
i found myself driving through the snow covered woods and roads - completely silent and abandoned that time in the afternoon.
school was out. nobody around. it was just what i needed.
it was a day where i was struggling even to put one foot in front of the other.
i pulled over into a parking lot and parked my car. i just needed a breath of fresh air.
i crossed the road from the parking lot and walked over to this beautiful pond covered in snow.
my puffy, ice blue eyes closed for a few moments and then opened to find this: (of course, i had to capture a shot of it.)
isn't it beautiful? it took my breath away.
i'm a big fan of God's SILENT beauty. grey and blue skies, faint, light sunshine shining through the clouds.
days like this make me think that Jesus creates them just for us. JUST for me. to stop. to know that He is for us and is in control of every detail. because, well, don't we forget? LORD KNOWS I DO.
somehow, it's the kind of beauty that doesn't scream for attention, but nonetheless, captures the hearts of each person who sees it and leaves them breathless.
only God can create such beauty.
B R E A T H L E S S || that's how i feel when i look at it. i found myself staring silently, reflecting, praying, just standing there in the midst of the snowy, wintery season. taking it all IN.
it's times like this, in moments of desperation, brokenness and complete aloneness, where i hear the voice of Jesus quite clearly.
i stared at that bare tree. nothing on it. nothing, really, beautiful about it at all.
my mind then shifted to the bigger picture.
that tree alone...it's not very attractive. there's nothing too beautiful about it. in fact, take away the rest of the picture and it's quite anonymous. no leaves, no green, no color. no bloom. no growth.
i couldn't help but point out the bare tree and i's similarities. i'm sure it was quite humorous to God.
"i am bare right now, Father. i am broken. i am hurting. i am healing. but i am bare. i feel anonymous. i feel like that tree. BARE. empty. not in bloom. i can offer nothing."
of course, He knows. but He graciously listens to me as i talk softly, strolling back and forth, watching my footprints in the snow. i love my candid moments where i speak with rawness to God. i believe He loves them more.
"because He bends down to listen, i will pray as long as i have breath" psalm 116:2
i just want life to be beautiful again. yes. i found myself saying, in the midst of a battle with chronic illness, saying that i just wanted my life to be beautiful again. i wanted to be the tree in full bloom, exploding with beauty and strength and power.
i found myself staring at the tree. ALONE...the tree isn't much.
but...add the rest of the Creator's work - the bright sun hidden behind the clouds, desperately trying to break perfectly through them, with a soft quiet strength. the snow that dropped, in the most pure, white color to blanket the beautiful landscape in front of my eyes.
there, the tree comes to life. the bare tree is there for a reason. it is part of a bigger picture. and because the Creator placed it there, in that exact spot, at that exact time, in the whole picture, it becomes beautiful.
it becomes beautiful because of the whole picture.
revelation came quickly.
the holy spirit was straight up rollin' on me...
okaaaaay, Jesus. wait a second. hold on. i see you.
see, since the beginning of this journey, i declared that i knew this was just a season that the Lord wants me to walk through. i declared that something beautiful would come out of it.
and that is true. that is SO. VERY. TRUE.
but you know what else is true? the bareness is beautiful. it's necessary. and without the bare season, what would life look like?
Would simply being atop a mountain be as rewarding as if you climbed it, UPHILL, step by step, sweat, blood and tears? what would you have accomplished if somebody just placed you on top? would you feel satisfied?
what are mountains without valleys?
would we welcome and be so in awe of spring - melted snow, flowers in bloom, if there was no winter?
if there were no gloomy days replaced with bright sun, cold replaced with warmth - what reason would there be to look forward to spring?
seasons are necessary. and honestly, without them, life would be quite boring.
see, staring at the bare tree- it made me look inside of myself. the tree is ROOTED in the ground...and it will bloom again.
i needed to preach this to myself- (first, God preached it to me, i have been re-teaching myself...ahem- daily)
YOU are planted. i am planted. anchored and rooted in Christ. so are YOU.
i was forgetting the whole picture.
and seasons change. and they are necessary. and you may be bare right now. but you will bloom again. and when you do, you will appreciate EVERY single season you are in.
yes, i was forgetting the whole picture. "do you not remember that to appreciate the true beauty of something, seeing it bare and lifeless is necessary?" - GOD.
good seasons shape us. bad seasons shape us. bare seasons shape us. full seasons shape us. they mold us. they make us tough. they keep us grateful. they do different things at different times. but you know what they will all do- regardless? (if we let them) they point US continuously back to JESUS.
things are going great? PRAISE JESUS for His provision and goodness.
things are really awful? PRAISE JESUS for His sovereignty and promises.
things are stagnant or moving slowly? PRAISE JESUS for being right on time.
things aren't looking that great, looking kind of bare? PRAISE JESUS that he is working in us at all times and promises never to leave or forsake us.
the season you're in has you worried about the future? PRAISE JESUS that His word says He has a plan that will prosper us.
i mean, you get the picture, right?
HE is the bigger picture. His glory is the bigger picture. His kingdom is the bigger picture.
we should walk through seasons unrushed, with grace...
and then, guess what?
seasons will change AGAIN. but the tree will adapt. and it will be something different in every season. bare. colorful. blooming. full. but each is necessary.
we cannot avoid the necessity of seasons in our lives.
the coolness of God is just...cool.
i love and appreciate the way our Father speaks to us in a way that is so simple for us to understand.
a few moments outside with Him, staring at a bare, leafless tree...and my perspective changed.
i walked away with a lifted spirit and a full heart.
hearing the voice of God clearly makes me glad that HE is the giver of wisdom and understanding, and He gives it freely.
walking away, I could have just let the moment pass...and gone back to sulking. i could have immediately gone back to letting my emotions rule.
instead, i took heart of the truth. the words of God are TRUE and RIGHT...no matter what the circumstances.
no matter what the season, i will welcome and embrace being in it wholeheartedly.
because they change. but Jesus does not.
if you are in a "season", and likely, you are, BE IN IT FULLY. don't look to the future and rush through it. it is necessary. and you will be thankful where it leads. and what it teaches you. and how you learn. and how you grow. EVEN WHEN you feel like you are not.
take a moment. take a drive. a walk. a deep breath. share your open, raw heart before God and let Him speak. He is faithful. He is listening. He cares.
praying for you. today and always.
"wisdom is the very tree of life to those who embrace her. hold her tight- and be blessed!" proverbs 3:18 MSG
"God made my life complete when i placed all the pieces before Him." psalm 18:20 MSG
XOXO,
C A i T L i N
and you do your best to keep your joy, keep your head up, put one foot in front of the other and refuse to feel that way...but still you find yourself there?
and then somebody says something, you find something, you see something, or hear something and KNOW that it's God speaking to you?
sometimes in a way so simple that you never thought He could.
i believe that if we are followers of Jesus and are being led by His spirit, and praying in accordance to His will, we are never in a place that the Lord doesn't desire for us to be. not that He desires us in pain, but He is sovereign. and He did promise suffering of sorts to His children. me as His daughter. He did tell us there would be trouble. but to TAKE HEART// because Jesus has overcome.
still, this day i was pretty close to just calling it quits. and i mean like, seriously, calling it QUITS. packing up my stuff and leaving Boston. giving up on the proper treatment for my body. ready to end it. i mean, really. depressed, anxious, puffy eyes...you get the visual. (pretty, huh?)
thursday, 2/19 was the day before my birthday. up to that point, things had been pretty rough on me.
i had a doctors appointment that i was expecting to go fairly well, and instead, got the exact opposite of what i wanted to hear.
slowly, my hope began to dwindle. turning *__* the next day was only adding to my depression, and i found myself asking, "is this REALLY MY LIFE?" ( i know, i'm sorry Jesus.)
suddenly, i found myself so tired of being in the place that i was, feeling like i was going insane, i decided to go for a drive.
i needed to be ALONE. i needed QUIET. i didn't want people. in fact, i wasn't even interested that day in talking to Jesus. i wanted distraction. a breath of fresh (FREEZING COLD) air. PEACE.
when i'm having a moment, (or in this case, a series of DAYS, WEEKS, MONTHS...) i drive. it's a release for me.
all of the sudden i found myself in one of the neighborhoods i grew up in.
in boxford. beautiful. peaceful. covered in snow.
i found myself driving through the snow covered woods and roads - completely silent and abandoned that time in the afternoon.
school was out. nobody around. it was just what i needed.
it was a day where i was struggling even to put one foot in front of the other.
i pulled over into a parking lot and parked my car. i just needed a breath of fresh air.
i crossed the road from the parking lot and walked over to this beautiful pond covered in snow.
my puffy, ice blue eyes closed for a few moments and then opened to find this: (of course, i had to capture a shot of it.)
isn't it beautiful? it took my breath away.
i'm a big fan of God's SILENT beauty. grey and blue skies, faint, light sunshine shining through the clouds.
days like this make me think that Jesus creates them just for us. JUST for me. to stop. to know that He is for us and is in control of every detail. because, well, don't we forget? LORD KNOWS I DO.
somehow, it's the kind of beauty that doesn't scream for attention, but nonetheless, captures the hearts of each person who sees it and leaves them breathless.
only God can create such beauty.
B R E A T H L E S S || that's how i feel when i look at it. i found myself staring silently, reflecting, praying, just standing there in the midst of the snowy, wintery season. taking it all IN.
it's times like this, in moments of desperation, brokenness and complete aloneness, where i hear the voice of Jesus quite clearly.
i stared at that bare tree. nothing on it. nothing, really, beautiful about it at all.
my mind then shifted to the bigger picture.
that tree alone...it's not very attractive. there's nothing too beautiful about it. in fact, take away the rest of the picture and it's quite anonymous. no leaves, no green, no color. no bloom. no growth.
i couldn't help but point out the bare tree and i's similarities. i'm sure it was quite humorous to God.
"i am bare right now, Father. i am broken. i am hurting. i am healing. but i am bare. i feel anonymous. i feel like that tree. BARE. empty. not in bloom. i can offer nothing."
of course, He knows. but He graciously listens to me as i talk softly, strolling back and forth, watching my footprints in the snow. i love my candid moments where i speak with rawness to God. i believe He loves them more.
"because He bends down to listen, i will pray as long as i have breath" psalm 116:2
i just want life to be beautiful again. yes. i found myself saying, in the midst of a battle with chronic illness, saying that i just wanted my life to be beautiful again. i wanted to be the tree in full bloom, exploding with beauty and strength and power.
i found myself staring at the tree. ALONE...the tree isn't much.
but...add the rest of the Creator's work - the bright sun hidden behind the clouds, desperately trying to break perfectly through them, with a soft quiet strength. the snow that dropped, in the most pure, white color to blanket the beautiful landscape in front of my eyes.
there, the tree comes to life. the bare tree is there for a reason. it is part of a bigger picture. and because the Creator placed it there, in that exact spot, at that exact time, in the whole picture, it becomes beautiful.
it becomes beautiful because of the whole picture.
revelation came quickly.
the holy spirit was straight up rollin' on me...
okaaaaay, Jesus. wait a second. hold on. i see you.
see, since the beginning of this journey, i declared that i knew this was just a season that the Lord wants me to walk through. i declared that something beautiful would come out of it.
and that is true. that is SO. VERY. TRUE.
but you know what else is true? the bareness is beautiful. it's necessary. and without the bare season, what would life look like?
Would simply being atop a mountain be as rewarding as if you climbed it, UPHILL, step by step, sweat, blood and tears? what would you have accomplished if somebody just placed you on top? would you feel satisfied?
what are mountains without valleys?
would we welcome and be so in awe of spring - melted snow, flowers in bloom, if there was no winter?
if there were no gloomy days replaced with bright sun, cold replaced with warmth - what reason would there be to look forward to spring?
seasons are necessary. and honestly, without them, life would be quite boring.
see, staring at the bare tree- it made me look inside of myself. the tree is ROOTED in the ground...and it will bloom again.
i needed to preach this to myself- (first, God preached it to me, i have been re-teaching myself...ahem- daily)
YOU are planted. i am planted. anchored and rooted in Christ. so are YOU.
i was forgetting the whole picture.
and seasons change. and they are necessary. and you may be bare right now. but you will bloom again. and when you do, you will appreciate EVERY single season you are in.
yes, i was forgetting the whole picture. "do you not remember that to appreciate the true beauty of something, seeing it bare and lifeless is necessary?" - GOD.
good seasons shape us. bad seasons shape us. bare seasons shape us. full seasons shape us. they mold us. they make us tough. they keep us grateful. they do different things at different times. but you know what they will all do- regardless? (if we let them) they point US continuously back to JESUS.
things are going great? PRAISE JESUS for His provision and goodness.
things are really awful? PRAISE JESUS for His sovereignty and promises.
things are stagnant or moving slowly? PRAISE JESUS for being right on time.
things aren't looking that great, looking kind of bare? PRAISE JESUS that he is working in us at all times and promises never to leave or forsake us.
the season you're in has you worried about the future? PRAISE JESUS that His word says He has a plan that will prosper us.
i mean, you get the picture, right?
HE is the bigger picture. His glory is the bigger picture. His kingdom is the bigger picture.
we should walk through seasons unrushed, with grace...
and then, guess what?
seasons will change AGAIN. but the tree will adapt. and it will be something different in every season. bare. colorful. blooming. full. but each is necessary.
we cannot avoid the necessity of seasons in our lives.
the coolness of God is just...cool.
i love and appreciate the way our Father speaks to us in a way that is so simple for us to understand.
a few moments outside with Him, staring at a bare, leafless tree...and my perspective changed.
i walked away with a lifted spirit and a full heart.
hearing the voice of God clearly makes me glad that HE is the giver of wisdom and understanding, and He gives it freely.
walking away, I could have just let the moment pass...and gone back to sulking. i could have immediately gone back to letting my emotions rule.
instead, i took heart of the truth. the words of God are TRUE and RIGHT...no matter what the circumstances.
no matter what the season, i will welcome and embrace being in it wholeheartedly.
because they change. but Jesus does not.
if you are in a "season", and likely, you are, BE IN IT FULLY. don't look to the future and rush through it. it is necessary. and you will be thankful where it leads. and what it teaches you. and how you learn. and how you grow. EVEN WHEN you feel like you are not.
take a moment. take a drive. a walk. a deep breath. share your open, raw heart before God and let Him speak. He is faithful. He is listening. He cares.
praying for you. today and always.
"wisdom is the very tree of life to those who embrace her. hold her tight- and be blessed!" proverbs 3:18 MSG
"God made my life complete when i placed all the pieces before Him." psalm 18:20 MSG
XOXO,
C A i T L i N
Thursday, February 12, 2015
in our weakness
last week was one for the books in my life.
it was a week of complete surrender to God.
it also was one of the most emotionally taxing, draining, and hardest weeks of my life.
daily, i felt my physical body growing weaker. my emotions grew frail.
even somewhere, deep down inside of my spirit, i felt it weak.
and then i was reminded sweetly & gently by the Holy Spirit : when you're weak, i am strong.
so let me be.
last week, i packed up my entire life in boxes. left a home that had become my family where i lived for 2 years. i moved in with a sent by Jesus friend. i said bye to friends. i surrendered to the rest and healing God had been pleading to let Him give to me. i took a leave of absence from an internship that i'm in love with. i left a church family and my church...the most incredible place with an incredible presence of Jesus. i grieved the 3 year anniversary of my mother's death. got on a plane, and came to Boston to be treated for Lyme disease.
last week, i was weak. (no pun intended.)
last week, i admitted and surrendered that no longer will i do this on my OWN.
you know, i can be stubborn. anybody who knows me knows this.
the other day was a particularly rough day for me physically. i found myself in the parking lot of Highlands staring up at a huge hill.
all of the sudden something bowed up within me and i was determined to PUSH my body as hard as i could to climb to the top as fast as i could.
these days, i'm out of breath just from breathing. like, half a flight of stairs and i'm winded.
but guess what? i did it.
know what else? it felt GOOD.
but afterwards, man...i paid for it afterwards.
but i decided to anyway. i knew i shouldn't, but i had to prove how strong i was and my body was.
i don't know about you, but i'm kind of stubborn. (SEE ABOVE STATEMENT.)
i grew up being told to be tough. i've spent years of my life FIGHTING.
for myself. for others. against myself. against others.
defense. defense. defense. defense.
guess what? i'm done.
GIVING UP? SURRENDERING? HANDING THE FIGHT OVER?
yep.
i know that i'm called by God to be a warrior. it's been my calling ever since i've known Him as my Father.
but there's one thing i forget about being a WARRIOR: i'm not to or supposed to do it ALONE. i'm a WARRIOR for the kingdom. but for years I DID it alone.
i was independent. i was prideful. i was stubborn. (these all can still be describing me today in this moment- those of you who know me are shaking your heads, YES. that's okay. i forgive you.)
i'm a typical bible/preacher/someday speaker nerd so i always end up looking at the definition of words.
i found one definition for WARRIOR: the first one that popped up and loved it.
a person engaged or experienced in warfare; soldier. // somebody courageous.
it's quite obvious that if you're a Christian, you're in warfare. if you didn't know that, email me and we'll talk. because you are. and that's a whole different discussion.
the enemy comes to STEAL | KILL | DESTROY.
JESUS comes to give LIFE. he DIED. for LIFE. to give LIFE. and LIFE abundant.
i want to live and be sustained by JESUS. Himself. and nothing else.
God FIGHTS for me. EXODUS 14:14.
my part is to BELIEVE & DECLARE EVERY DAY THAT HE IS.
because the devil is a liar and he'll tell you otherwise. he'll make you pridefully bow up inside and run up a hill and tell you that you can and should do it all by yourself and then...
well then we know what happens. you get tired. worn out. discouraged. and why? Because you chose to sustain yourself instead of choosing to be sustained by God.
weakness is vital to God. how else might He be made strong?
i'm not in this season to make myself mentally tougher.
i'm here to be humbled | tested | made pure | refined | to become solely dependent on Him | disciplined.
does this feel good? no, it doesn't.
a Pastor that has watched me walk through life the last 3 years told me not long ago: "i've watched life throw some pretty crazy things your way. and you've fought. fought. fought. now it's time to rest in Him and let Him do the fighting for you.
can i just be real? i'm going to anyway even if you don't want me to because it's my blog.
I didn't LIKE that. but, but, but...i can do it. i can handle it. i can do this on my own.
well, a few weeks after that conversation God led me to a place where i couldn't handle it on my own. nothing. i couldn't support myself financially, i couldn't move my body, some days, i couldn't get out of bed.
THAT day. people must read and think but why? Why would God lead you to that place.
to show me the weaker i am the more He shows up in my life.
i mean we say it all the time. GOD, you're sovereign. GOD, whatever and wherever you LEAD ME.
here's the part that we would never admit to saying, but that God knows we're thinking...
WE SAY THIS: ANYTHING and EVERYTHING for your glory, yes, Jesus, I'll be your servant and your mouthpiece and go anywhere and do anything and go through anything just for you...
and we mean it. at least, when i'm praying it, i mean it. except i have my own guidelines that i'm unaware of until He actually brings me to a place that i don't recall asking for.
the holy spirit whispers: anywhere and anything. remember?
well, yea, holy spirit, i remember pledging to God that i'd go through anything but...nothing uncomfortable. the unknown? a chronic illness? a complete interruption in my life? no, no, that's not what i signed up for.
convicted? me too. it's okay. we all do it.
let me tell you. i want you to leave this blog with two things in your head.
the weaker we are, the easier for God to move. why are we trying to become stronger on our own when we have the CREATOR of the Universe on OUR SIDE? TELLING US. REASSURING us though His word He is constantly fighting for US? WHY?!
and secondly. the warrior thing. since this whole thing started, several of you have sent messages and poured into me. i am so grateful for every single word. the words i get are "vibrant, so strong, such a fighter. strong. strong. strong."
and you're right. i am strong. I've been strong. but i want God to become the only strength in me. i desire to LiVE no other way.
just a few days ago, when i arrived in boston, i'm thinking in my head...great. i'm supposed to be out that being a WARRIOR for your kingdom, God. instead i'm here. no job. sick. at home. square 1. DETOURRRR.
the Holy Spirit hit me like I've never been hit before: warriors are not just fighters. and before they become strong fighters for the kingdom, they are put in anonymous seasons. rest seasons. wilderness. they are made weak.
because strong fighters are only strong fighters because of the adversity and brokenness they've faced on their walk with Jesus. valleys. lows. and it is by the grace of God that brings them to their knees and makes them solely dependent on the strongest one: JESUS. the only one. who carries us and sustains us.
one more thing, daughter: walking in reverence and unshaken FAITH are brave and courageous. speaking out when other people want you to be quiet is brave and courageous. sharing the honest journey, walking THROUGH...it's preparing you for the next season.
it's easy for me to be loud. about just about anything. i can't help it. my voice, my laugh, my opinion, my love for God & everything in between.
wanna know what's hard? this. vulnerable. humility. asking for help. sharing my story while it's STILL BEING WRITTEN.
not sharing the victory, rather, but the defeat. the current situation. the hurt. the weakness. the fear.
victory is mine and jesus is healing me every day...
but i'm still walking through this. and until the day He heals me completely, i will be.
there have been so many times where i KNOW and have seen God calling me to preach to women. i get impatient. waiting for that day.
but this is brave. this is courage. this is what is shaping me for those days ahead. and i've just decided, world.
i've just decided to embrace it and be completely content being in over my head. the unknown. the reality of where i'm at and where my health is.
He is remaining faithful. but am i? today, i choose to remain faithful.
it's a challenge. every day.
but He's a good Father. He knows where I need to be. and i trust Him.
so here i am. and holy spirit, i pray that i would BE here. right here, completely. whole. embracing this moment. good, bad, or anything in between. help me to know that i am fully here in this moment.
break me, so i become fully dependent on you in EVERY way, GOD. there is no other way. and no other desire in my heart.
this post was hard to write. every post is these days. my hands and fingers lock up. my eyes go blurry after about 10 minutes of staring at a computer screen. i've said it before and ill say it again: i'm not stopping.
He wants my story shared. He wants me to speak. He wants me weak. He wants me vulnerable. let me come before you in total reverence and awe, Father. do what only you can do and bring glory to your name IN the midst of this and through this.
if you are battling anything: let me fight with you and for you. please. share your prayer requests. share this post.
continue to follow my own personal journey and to support and raise awareness for lyme disease: http://gofundme.com/hf0jec
most of all, readers, whoever you are...i want you to be encouraged. the world will tell you you have to become more strong. FIGHT harder. SINK into Jesus and let Him carry you. His strength outweighs ours and may it always. let us forever be reminded of just how great, good, big and faithful you are, JESUS.
until next time,
XOXO,
C A i T L i N
it was a week of complete surrender to God.
it also was one of the most emotionally taxing, draining, and hardest weeks of my life.
daily, i felt my physical body growing weaker. my emotions grew frail.
even somewhere, deep down inside of my spirit, i felt it weak.
and then i was reminded sweetly & gently by the Holy Spirit : when you're weak, i am strong.
so let me be.
last week, i packed up my entire life in boxes. left a home that had become my family where i lived for 2 years. i moved in with a sent by Jesus friend. i said bye to friends. i surrendered to the rest and healing God had been pleading to let Him give to me. i took a leave of absence from an internship that i'm in love with. i left a church family and my church...the most incredible place with an incredible presence of Jesus. i grieved the 3 year anniversary of my mother's death. got on a plane, and came to Boston to be treated for Lyme disease.
last week, i was weak. (no pun intended.)
last week, i admitted and surrendered that no longer will i do this on my OWN.
you know, i can be stubborn. anybody who knows me knows this.
the other day was a particularly rough day for me physically. i found myself in the parking lot of Highlands staring up at a huge hill.
all of the sudden something bowed up within me and i was determined to PUSH my body as hard as i could to climb to the top as fast as i could.
these days, i'm out of breath just from breathing. like, half a flight of stairs and i'm winded.
but guess what? i did it.
know what else? it felt GOOD.
but afterwards, man...i paid for it afterwards.
but i decided to anyway. i knew i shouldn't, but i had to prove how strong i was and my body was.
i don't know about you, but i'm kind of stubborn. (SEE ABOVE STATEMENT.)
i grew up being told to be tough. i've spent years of my life FIGHTING.
for myself. for others. against myself. against others.
defense. defense. defense. defense.
guess what? i'm done.
GIVING UP? SURRENDERING? HANDING THE FIGHT OVER?
yep.
i know that i'm called by God to be a warrior. it's been my calling ever since i've known Him as my Father.
but there's one thing i forget about being a WARRIOR: i'm not to or supposed to do it ALONE. i'm a WARRIOR for the kingdom. but for years I DID it alone.
i was independent. i was prideful. i was stubborn. (these all can still be describing me today in this moment- those of you who know me are shaking your heads, YES. that's okay. i forgive you.)
i'm a typical bible/preacher/someday speaker nerd so i always end up looking at the definition of words.
i found one definition for WARRIOR: the first one that popped up and loved it.
a person engaged or experienced in warfare; soldier. // somebody courageous.
it's quite obvious that if you're a Christian, you're in warfare. if you didn't know that, email me and we'll talk. because you are. and that's a whole different discussion.
the enemy comes to STEAL | KILL | DESTROY.
JESUS comes to give LIFE. he DIED. for LIFE. to give LIFE. and LIFE abundant.
i want to live and be sustained by JESUS. Himself. and nothing else.
God FIGHTS for me. EXODUS 14:14.
my part is to BELIEVE & DECLARE EVERY DAY THAT HE IS.
because the devil is a liar and he'll tell you otherwise. he'll make you pridefully bow up inside and run up a hill and tell you that you can and should do it all by yourself and then...
well then we know what happens. you get tired. worn out. discouraged. and why? Because you chose to sustain yourself instead of choosing to be sustained by God.
weakness is vital to God. how else might He be made strong?
i'm not in this season to make myself mentally tougher.
i'm here to be humbled | tested | made pure | refined | to become solely dependent on Him | disciplined.
does this feel good? no, it doesn't.
a Pastor that has watched me walk through life the last 3 years told me not long ago: "i've watched life throw some pretty crazy things your way. and you've fought. fought. fought. now it's time to rest in Him and let Him do the fighting for you.
can i just be real? i'm going to anyway even if you don't want me to because it's my blog.
I didn't LIKE that. but, but, but...i can do it. i can handle it. i can do this on my own.
well, a few weeks after that conversation God led me to a place where i couldn't handle it on my own. nothing. i couldn't support myself financially, i couldn't move my body, some days, i couldn't get out of bed.
THAT day. people must read and think but why? Why would God lead you to that place.
to show me the weaker i am the more He shows up in my life.
i mean we say it all the time. GOD, you're sovereign. GOD, whatever and wherever you LEAD ME.
here's the part that we would never admit to saying, but that God knows we're thinking...
WE SAY THIS: ANYTHING and EVERYTHING for your glory, yes, Jesus, I'll be your servant and your mouthpiece and go anywhere and do anything and go through anything just for you...
and we mean it. at least, when i'm praying it, i mean it. except i have my own guidelines that i'm unaware of until He actually brings me to a place that i don't recall asking for.
the holy spirit whispers: anywhere and anything. remember?
well, yea, holy spirit, i remember pledging to God that i'd go through anything but...nothing uncomfortable. the unknown? a chronic illness? a complete interruption in my life? no, no, that's not what i signed up for.
convicted? me too. it's okay. we all do it.
let me tell you. i want you to leave this blog with two things in your head.
the weaker we are, the easier for God to move. why are we trying to become stronger on our own when we have the CREATOR of the Universe on OUR SIDE? TELLING US. REASSURING us though His word He is constantly fighting for US? WHY?!
and secondly. the warrior thing. since this whole thing started, several of you have sent messages and poured into me. i am so grateful for every single word. the words i get are "vibrant, so strong, such a fighter. strong. strong. strong."
and you're right. i am strong. I've been strong. but i want God to become the only strength in me. i desire to LiVE no other way.
just a few days ago, when i arrived in boston, i'm thinking in my head...great. i'm supposed to be out that being a WARRIOR for your kingdom, God. instead i'm here. no job. sick. at home. square 1. DETOURRRR.
the Holy Spirit hit me like I've never been hit before: warriors are not just fighters. and before they become strong fighters for the kingdom, they are put in anonymous seasons. rest seasons. wilderness. they are made weak.
because strong fighters are only strong fighters because of the adversity and brokenness they've faced on their walk with Jesus. valleys. lows. and it is by the grace of God that brings them to their knees and makes them solely dependent on the strongest one: JESUS. the only one. who carries us and sustains us.
one more thing, daughter: walking in reverence and unshaken FAITH are brave and courageous. speaking out when other people want you to be quiet is brave and courageous. sharing the honest journey, walking THROUGH...it's preparing you for the next season.
it's easy for me to be loud. about just about anything. i can't help it. my voice, my laugh, my opinion, my love for God & everything in between.
wanna know what's hard? this. vulnerable. humility. asking for help. sharing my story while it's STILL BEING WRITTEN.
not sharing the victory, rather, but the defeat. the current situation. the hurt. the weakness. the fear.
victory is mine and jesus is healing me every day...
but i'm still walking through this. and until the day He heals me completely, i will be.
there have been so many times where i KNOW and have seen God calling me to preach to women. i get impatient. waiting for that day.
but this is brave. this is courage. this is what is shaping me for those days ahead. and i've just decided, world.
i've just decided to embrace it and be completely content being in over my head. the unknown. the reality of where i'm at and where my health is.
He is remaining faithful. but am i? today, i choose to remain faithful.
it's a challenge. every day.
but He's a good Father. He knows where I need to be. and i trust Him.
so here i am. and holy spirit, i pray that i would BE here. right here, completely. whole. embracing this moment. good, bad, or anything in between. help me to know that i am fully here in this moment.
break me, so i become fully dependent on you in EVERY way, GOD. there is no other way. and no other desire in my heart.
this post was hard to write. every post is these days. my hands and fingers lock up. my eyes go blurry after about 10 minutes of staring at a computer screen. i've said it before and ill say it again: i'm not stopping.
He wants my story shared. He wants me to speak. He wants me weak. He wants me vulnerable. let me come before you in total reverence and awe, Father. do what only you can do and bring glory to your name IN the midst of this and through this.
if you are battling anything: let me fight with you and for you. please. share your prayer requests. share this post.
continue to follow my own personal journey and to support and raise awareness for lyme disease: http://gofundme.com/hf0jec
most of all, readers, whoever you are...i want you to be encouraged. the world will tell you you have to become more strong. FIGHT harder. SINK into Jesus and let Him carry you. His strength outweighs ours and may it always. let us forever be reminded of just how great, good, big and faithful you are, JESUS.
until next time,
XOXO,
C A i T L i N
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)