dear mom,
mothers day is tomorrow.
people always say "it's such a tough day for people without mothers."
but the truth is...every day without you is painful.
in the most normal, ordinary of moments and days, my heart grieves losing you. and on my diva, i'm a girl and sometimes i just have one of those "i want to pick up a phone and vent to my mom" days, i long for you.
tomorrow is just a day where it's a major celebration for mom's everywhere. and as it should be.
one older "momma" mentor in ministry told me a few years ago, "there is no job in the world like being a mother. perhaps it is the greatest job in all of the world."
that was y o u.
you were a mother. and now you're gone.
the past few days, i've been letting the brokenness and the grief of all of the motherless daughters flood my heart.
it's been overwhelming.
for some, loss was at a very young age. some abandoned. some from sickness. some for no reason. some, the battle of addiction.
whatever the reason, whenever it was, you were our mothers. and now, you're gone.
recently, i read an article entitled, "a letter to motherless daughters on mother's day."
a beautiful, touching article written to every young woman who has lost a mother.
as i went about the rest of my day, i began to think about you, mom. about the day three years ago when i heard the words, " she's gone. your mother is dead."
i can flash back to that day and remember every single detail of it. and the following minutes, hours, and days.
without a doubt, the most heart wrenching season of my entire life.
the saddest days, although, somehow, intricately woven with a surpassing peace only Jesus could provide me.
suddenly, just a few days ago, in the normalcy of my day, i heard the Holy Spirit whisper very, very gently to me: "you are not alone. and you are not motherless."
i weeped. sitting here as i type i weep.
the very promises tucked away in the Word of God resonating deep in my Spirit, flooding my heart.
something i have been waiting for, fighting (because i'm your daughter and i'm a little stubborn), running from (because i didn't know i deserved it) and ultimately accepting....because it is what God promised me and desires for me.
i know it's what you desire for me, too.
the walls of a hardened, motherless daughter finally broken. freedom from hurt, betrayal, and isolation.
as you know, and as so many others know, my heart became a hardened shell so many years ago in my young age without you.
i accepted the fact that i had no mother, and therefore, accepted the fact that i was not worthy of accepting of any nurture.
so, i fought. i fought against love, warmth, kindness, and nurture.
i rejected any "mother" figure in my life.
thankfully, mom, as you know, Jesus loves us way too much to let us stay where we are.
many, many prayers and the unconditional, trustworthy, unbroken love, grace and mercy of Jesus finally began to invade my heart and wreck me.
but it wasn't just His love that brought me here.
God, faithful in his promises, has "placed the lonely in families." P S A L M 68:6
he took me and surrounded me by so many loving "mothers."
he comforted me and spoke to the darkest depths of my heart: "there are so many women who can love you and guide you, if you'll let them."
i guess somewhere deep down i thought letting them love me would make YOUR love for me less.
perhaps, mom, i thought that in letting them be a part of my life, that they would REPLACE you.
as i sit here, i laugh and i weep. because let's be honest, who could ever replace you?
there was nobody in the world like you, mom. and, like mother like daughter, i'm sure everyone would agree there is nobody in the world like me.
a few years ago, before you went Home, i found a verse in psalm 27:10: "though my mother and father forsake me, the Lord will take care of me." i held onto it and still do to this day.
i have heard many people say, "it's a VOID that can never be filled."
but i agree to disagree.
you and i know that God's love is sufficient for all needs.
He promised to give me women who would love and guide me and ALWAYS direct me back to Jesus. and He has fulfilled. T E N F O L D.
they have, in all honesty, by the grace and compassion of Jesus, loved me back to L i F E.
but they don't fill that V O i D.
they don't heal the hurt. their words, their love, their grace, their time... it doesn't heal the hurt.
Jesus doesn't even fully fill the void. He never said He would.
mom, if there is one thing i have learned and am beyond thankful for in losing you...it is that it has made me find Jesus more.
it has given me a broken desperation for Him that i have never experienced before.
you and i both know He doesn't fully fill the void, because if He did, would i need Him EVERY day?
no, he doesn't fill it. but He comforts me. D A I L Y.
and oh, how He comforts me. Matthew 5:5 "BLESSED are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."
the void lingers.
Jesus doesn't promise the void won't linger, He promises to COMFORT us when it does.
and does it ever.
every wedding i see. i think about how you won't be there at mine.
every baby. it brings me back to the thought that if i ever have kids, you won't be there.
every birthday. because you brought me into the world.
mother's day. because i wish i could bring you tulips and tell you how much i love you, and would always love you, O N E last time.
when i see a cookbook. when i watch the red Sox. when i see tulips. ladybugs. watermelons. every time my mouth opens and i hear that loud, boisterous,authentic laugh, the one that comes directly from you. my obsession with blue cheese and target. when i see a woman pick up a woman's world magazine. those silly corn on the cob holders that you were obsessed with. cold cans of diet coke. and every time i see kids in beautiful, matching outfits, because let's face it: YOU WERE THE MASTER!
the truth is, the thought of you lingers around me, constantly. and in every of those moments, Jesus is faithful to BE there. to COMFORT.
BUT the truth is, the void is slowly filled each moment and each day by the memories we shared.
the most ordinary of days, wandering through consignment shops and thrift stores. watching home videos at nana's, eating our favorites from Zaxby's.riding the train at Tannehill and taking pictures. stocking up on cookies at Ruby Tuesday. falling, arm in arm at an altar together and confessing our belief, need, forgiveness and LOVE in our Jesus. you, being the very first one, (with your supermom power, without me telling you), to congratulate me on Highlands College. you. my Mother, telling me you knew i was MADE for ministry.
these things fill my void, little by little. each day i choose to remember the good memories. the sweet, precious mother daughter moments that far outweigh any of the bad that happened during the 24 years you were my M O T H E R.
so tomorrow, mom, and E V E R Y D A Y after that, i will continue to hold on and remember our memories. i will thank God for the moments that you and Him creatively decide to speak down from Heaven to me, in way of a ladybug, a yellow butterfly, or a field of tulips.
because the truth is, you're at Home with your Father. you are at peace. you are not battling. you are W H O L E and W H O L E Y loved.
and until the day i see YOU again, i will choose to find pieces of you every day until then.
i pray that i would honor and carry your legacy everyday. i pray that i am making you proud and that you are in awe at what the Lord has done in my life & what He has called me to do. i pray that you would be proud of the bold, fearless, and confident daughter that i have become. lastly, i pray that in every way i would honor your life, and gracefully share our story, in hopes that it will bring freedom to women; young and old, who have experienced the same. only and all to give God the glory and advance His Kingdom. thank you for bringing me into this world and into this family. i LOVE YOU.
a very happy Mother's day to you, Momma. i will see you again, soon.
X O X O,
C A b O O
*i want to wish a very Happy Mother's Day to all of the women God has intricately placed in my life to be my "moms." i couldn't have chosen any better. you have helped to heal me, shape me, love me, grow & develop me. you have NEVER given up on me! my mother is proud and blessed that i am in your care, under your wings, and am loved by you. Today and everyday, i honor you and T H A N K you. Happy Mother's day to Antoinette Sands, Aunt Wendy, Aunt Charlotte, Momma Larson, Tracie Amsted, Mia, Nicole LaRue, Emily Vazquez. I love you ALL!*
No comments:
Post a Comment