and you do your best to keep your joy, keep your head up, put one foot in front of the other and refuse to feel that way...but still you find yourself there?
and then somebody says something, you find something, you see something, or hear something and KNOW that it's God speaking to you?
sometimes in a way so simple that you never thought He could.
i believe that if we are followers of Jesus and are being led by His spirit, and praying in accordance to His will, we are never in a place that the Lord doesn't desire for us to be. not that He desires us in pain, but He is sovereign. and He did promise suffering of sorts to His children. me as His daughter. He did tell us there would be trouble. but to TAKE HEART// because Jesus has overcome.
still, this day i was pretty close to just calling it quits. and i mean like, seriously, calling it QUITS. packing up my stuff and leaving Boston. giving up on the proper treatment for my body. ready to end it. i mean, really. depressed, anxious, puffy eyes...you get the visual. (pretty, huh?)
thursday, 2/19 was the day before my birthday. up to that point, things had been pretty rough on me.
i had a doctors appointment that i was expecting to go fairly well, and instead, got the exact opposite of what i wanted to hear.
slowly, my hope began to dwindle. turning *__* the next day was only adding to my depression, and i found myself asking, "is this REALLY MY LIFE?" ( i know, i'm sorry Jesus.)
suddenly, i found myself so tired of being in the place that i was, feeling like i was going insane, i decided to go for a drive.
i needed to be ALONE. i needed QUIET. i didn't want people. in fact, i wasn't even interested that day in talking to Jesus. i wanted distraction. a breath of fresh (FREEZING COLD) air. PEACE.
when i'm having a moment, (or in this case, a series of DAYS, WEEKS, MONTHS...) i drive. it's a release for me.
all of the sudden i found myself in one of the neighborhoods i grew up in.
in boxford. beautiful. peaceful. covered in snow.
i found myself driving through the snow covered woods and roads - completely silent and abandoned that time in the afternoon.
school was out. nobody around. it was just what i needed.
it was a day where i was struggling even to put one foot in front of the other.
i pulled over into a parking lot and parked my car. i just needed a breath of fresh air.
i crossed the road from the parking lot and walked over to this beautiful pond covered in snow.
my puffy, ice blue eyes closed for a few moments and then opened to find this: (of course, i had to capture a shot of it.)
isn't it beautiful? it took my breath away.
i'm a big fan of God's SILENT beauty. grey and blue skies, faint, light sunshine shining through the clouds.
days like this make me think that Jesus creates them just for us. JUST for me. to stop. to know that He is for us and is in control of every detail. because, well, don't we forget? LORD KNOWS I DO.
somehow, it's the kind of beauty that doesn't scream for attention, but nonetheless, captures the hearts of each person who sees it and leaves them breathless.
only God can create such beauty.
B R E A T H L E S S || that's how i feel when i look at it. i found myself staring silently, reflecting, praying, just standing there in the midst of the snowy, wintery season. taking it all IN.
it's times like this, in moments of desperation, brokenness and complete aloneness, where i hear the voice of Jesus quite clearly.
i stared at that bare tree. nothing on it. nothing, really, beautiful about it at all.
my mind then shifted to the bigger picture.
that tree alone...it's not very attractive. there's nothing too beautiful about it. in fact, take away the rest of the picture and it's quite anonymous. no leaves, no green, no color. no bloom. no growth.
i couldn't help but point out the bare tree and i's similarities. i'm sure it was quite humorous to God.
"i am bare right now, Father. i am broken. i am hurting. i am healing. but i am bare. i feel anonymous. i feel like that tree. BARE. empty. not in bloom. i can offer nothing."
of course, He knows. but He graciously listens to me as i talk softly, strolling back and forth, watching my footprints in the snow. i love my candid moments where i speak with rawness to God. i believe He loves them more.
"because He bends down to listen, i will pray as long as i have breath" psalm 116:2
i just want life to be beautiful again. yes. i found myself saying, in the midst of a battle with chronic illness, saying that i just wanted my life to be beautiful again. i wanted to be the tree in full bloom, exploding with beauty and strength and power.
i found myself staring at the tree. ALONE...the tree isn't much.
but...add the rest of the Creator's work - the bright sun hidden behind the clouds, desperately trying to break perfectly through them, with a soft quiet strength. the snow that dropped, in the most pure, white color to blanket the beautiful landscape in front of my eyes.
there, the tree comes to life. the bare tree is there for a reason. it is part of a bigger picture. and because the Creator placed it there, in that exact spot, at that exact time, in the whole picture, it becomes beautiful.
it becomes beautiful because of the whole picture.
revelation came quickly.
the holy spirit was straight up rollin' on me...
okaaaaay, Jesus. wait a second. hold on. i see you.
see, since the beginning of this journey, i declared that i knew this was just a season that the Lord wants me to walk through. i declared that something beautiful would come out of it.
and that is true. that is SO. VERY. TRUE.
but you know what else is true? the bareness is beautiful. it's necessary. and without the bare season, what would life look like?
Would simply being atop a mountain be as rewarding as if you climbed it, UPHILL, step by step, sweat, blood and tears? what would you have accomplished if somebody just placed you on top? would you feel satisfied?
what are mountains without valleys?
would we welcome and be so in awe of spring - melted snow, flowers in bloom, if there was no winter?
if there were no gloomy days replaced with bright sun, cold replaced with warmth - what reason would there be to look forward to spring?
seasons are necessary. and honestly, without them, life would be quite boring.
see, staring at the bare tree- it made me look inside of myself. the tree is ROOTED in the ground...and it will bloom again.
i needed to preach this to myself- (first, God preached it to me, i have been re-teaching myself...ahem- daily)
YOU are planted. i am planted. anchored and rooted in Christ. so are YOU.
i was forgetting the whole picture.
and seasons change. and they are necessary. and you may be bare right now. but you will bloom again. and when you do, you will appreciate EVERY single season you are in.
yes, i was forgetting the whole picture. "do you not remember that to appreciate the true beauty of something, seeing it bare and lifeless is necessary?" - GOD.
good seasons shape us. bad seasons shape us. bare seasons shape us. full seasons shape us. they mold us. they make us tough. they keep us grateful. they do different things at different times. but you know what they will all do- regardless? (if we let them) they point US continuously back to JESUS.
things are going great? PRAISE JESUS for His provision and goodness.
things are really awful? PRAISE JESUS for His sovereignty and promises.
things are stagnant or moving slowly? PRAISE JESUS for being right on time.
things aren't looking that great, looking kind of bare? PRAISE JESUS that he is working in us at all times and promises never to leave or forsake us.
the season you're in has you worried about the future? PRAISE JESUS that His word says He has a plan that will prosper us.
i mean, you get the picture, right?
HE is the bigger picture. His glory is the bigger picture. His kingdom is the bigger picture.
we should walk through seasons unrushed, with grace...
and then, guess what?
seasons will change AGAIN. but the tree will adapt. and it will be something different in every season. bare. colorful. blooming. full. but each is necessary.
we cannot avoid the necessity of seasons in our lives.
the coolness of God is just...cool.
i love and appreciate the way our Father speaks to us in a way that is so simple for us to understand.
a few moments outside with Him, staring at a bare, leafless tree...and my perspective changed.
i walked away with a lifted spirit and a full heart.
hearing the voice of God clearly makes me glad that HE is the giver of wisdom and understanding, and He gives it freely.
walking away, I could have just let the moment pass...and gone back to sulking. i could have immediately gone back to letting my emotions rule.
instead, i took heart of the truth. the words of God are TRUE and RIGHT...no matter what the circumstances.
no matter what the season, i will welcome and embrace being in it wholeheartedly.
because they change. but Jesus does not.
if you are in a "season", and likely, you are, BE IN IT FULLY. don't look to the future and rush through it. it is necessary. and you will be thankful where it leads. and what it teaches you. and how you learn. and how you grow. EVEN WHEN you feel like you are not.
take a moment. take a drive. a walk. a deep breath. share your open, raw heart before God and let Him speak. He is faithful. He is listening. He cares.
praying for you. today and always.
"wisdom is the very tree of life to those who embrace her. hold her tight- and be blessed!" proverbs 3:18 MSG
"God made my life complete when i placed all the pieces before Him." psalm 18:20 MSG
XOXO,
C A i T L i N
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