in our weakness

last week was one for the books in my life.

it was a week of complete surrender to God. 

it also was one of the most emotionally taxing, draining, and hardest weeks of my life.

daily, i felt my physical body growing weaker. my emotions grew frail.

even somewhere, deep down inside of my spirit, i felt it weak.

and then i was reminded sweetly & gently by the Holy Spirit : when you're weak, i am strong. 

so let me be. 

last week, i packed up my entire life in boxes. left a home that had become my family where i lived for 2 years. i moved in with a sent by Jesus friend. i said bye to friends. i surrendered to the rest and healing God had been pleading to let Him give to me. i took a leave of absence from an internship that i'm in love with. i left a church family and my church...the most incredible place with an incredible presence of Jesus. i grieved the 3 year anniversary of my mother's death. got on a plane, and came to Boston to be treated for Lyme disease.

last week, i was weak. (no pun intended.) 

last week, i admitted and surrendered that no longer will i do this on my OWN.

you know, i can be stubborn. anybody who knows me knows this. 

the other day was a particularly rough day for me physically. i found myself in the parking lot of Highlands staring up at a huge hill. 

all of the sudden something bowed up within me and i was determined to PUSH my body as hard as i could to climb to the top as fast as i could. 

these days, i'm out of breath just from breathing. like, half a flight of stairs and i'm winded. 

but guess what? i did it. 

know what else? it felt GOOD. 

but afterwards, man...i paid for it afterwards. 

but i decided to anyway. i knew i shouldn't, but i had to prove how strong i was and my body was.

i don't know about you, but i'm kind of stubborn. (SEE ABOVE STATEMENT.) 

i grew up being told to be tough. i've spent years of my life FIGHTING. 

for myself. for others. against myself. against others.

defense. defense. defense. defense. 

guess what? i'm done. 

GIVING UP? SURRENDERING? HANDING THE FIGHT OVER? 

yep. 

i know that i'm called by God to be a warrior. it's been my calling ever since i've known Him as my Father.

but there's one thing i forget about being a WARRIOR: i'm not to or supposed to do it ALONE. i'm a WARRIOR for the kingdom. but for years I DID it alone. 

i was independent. i was prideful. i was stubborn. (these all can still be describing me today in this moment- those of you who know me are shaking your heads, YES. that's okay. i forgive you.)

i'm a typical bible/preacher/someday speaker nerd so i always end up looking at the definition of words. 

i found one definition for WARRIOR: the first one that popped up and loved it.

a person engaged or experienced in warfare; soldier. // somebody courageous. 

it's quite obvious that if you're a Christian, you're in warfare. if you didn't know that, email me and we'll talk. because you are. and that's a whole different discussion. 

the enemy comes to STEAL | KILL | DESTROY. 

JESUS comes to give LIFE. he DIED. for LIFE. to give LIFE. and LIFE abundant.

i want to live and be sustained by JESUS. Himself. and nothing else. 

God FIGHTS for me. EXODUS 14:14.

my part is to BELIEVE & DECLARE EVERY DAY THAT HE IS.

because the devil is a liar and he'll tell you otherwise. he'll make you pridefully bow up inside and run up a hill and tell you that you can and should do it all by yourself and then...

well then we know what happens. you get tired. worn out. discouraged. and why? Because you chose to sustain yourself instead of choosing to be sustained by God. 

weakness is vital to God. how else might He be made strong? 

i'm not in this season to make myself mentally tougher. 

i'm here to be humbled | tested | made pure | refined | to become solely dependent on Him | disciplined. 

does this feel good? no, it doesn't. 

a Pastor that has watched me walk through life the last 3 years told me not long ago: "i've watched life throw some pretty crazy things your way. and you've fought. fought. fought. now it's time to rest in Him and let Him do the fighting for you.

can i just be real? i'm going to anyway even if you don't want me to because it's my blog. 

I didn't LIKE that. but, but, but...i can do it. i can handle it. i can do this on my own.

well, a few weeks after that conversation God led me to a place where i couldn't handle it on my own. nothing. i couldn't support myself financially, i couldn't move my body, some days, i couldn't get out of bed.

THAT day. people must read and think but why? Why would God lead you to that place.

to show me the weaker i am the more He shows up in my life. 

i mean we say it all the time. GOD, you're sovereign. GOD, whatever and wherever you LEAD ME. 

here's the part that we would never admit to saying, but that God knows we're thinking...

WE SAY THIS: ANYTHING and EVERYTHING for your glory, yes, Jesus, I'll be your servant and your mouthpiece and go anywhere and do anything and go through anything just for you...

and we mean it. at least, when i'm praying it, i mean it. except i have my own guidelines that i'm unaware of until He actually brings me to a place that i don't recall asking for.

the holy spirit whispers: anywhere and anything. remember?

well, yea, holy spirit, i remember pledging to God that i'd go through anything but...nothing uncomfortable. the unknown? a chronic illness? a complete interruption in my life? no, no, that's not what i signed up for.

convicted? me too. it's okay. we all do it.


let me tell you. i want you to leave this blog with two things in your head.

the weaker we are, the easier for God to move. why are we trying to become stronger on our own when we have the CREATOR of the Universe on OUR SIDE? TELLING US. REASSURING us though His word He is constantly fighting for US? WHY?!

and secondly. the warrior thing. since this whole thing started, several of you have sent messages and poured into me. i am so grateful for every single word. the words i get are "vibrant, so strong, such a fighter. strong. strong. strong." 

and you're right. i am strong. I've been strong. but i want God to become the only strength in me. i desire to LiVE no other way.

just a few days ago, when i arrived in boston, i'm thinking in my head...great. i'm supposed to be out that being a WARRIOR for your kingdom, God. instead i'm here. no job. sick. at home. square 1. DETOURRRR. 

the Holy Spirit hit me like I've never been hit before: warriors are not just fighters. and before they become strong fighters for the kingdom, they are put in anonymous seasons. rest seasons. wilderness. they are made weak.

because strong fighters are only strong fighters because of the adversity and brokenness they've faced on their walk with Jesus. valleys. lows. and it is by the grace of God that brings them to their knees and makes them solely dependent on the strongest one: JESUS. the only one. who carries us and sustains us. 

one more thing, daughter: walking in reverence and unshaken FAITH are brave and courageous. speaking out when other people want you to be quiet is brave and courageous. sharing the honest journey, walking THROUGH...it's preparing you for the next season.

it's easy for me to be loud. about just about anything. i can't help it. my voice, my laugh, my opinion, my love for God & everything in between.

wanna know what's hard? this. vulnerable. humility. asking for help. sharing my story while it's STILL BEING WRITTEN.

not sharing the victory, rather, but the defeat. the current situation. the hurt. the weakness. the fear. 

victory is mine and jesus is healing me every day...

but i'm still walking through this. and until the day He heals me completely, i will be.

there have been so many times where i KNOW and have seen God calling me to preach to women. i get impatient. waiting for that day.

but this is brave. this is courage. this is what is shaping me for those days ahead. and i've just decided, world.

i've just decided to embrace it and be completely content being in over my head. the unknown. the reality of where i'm at and where my health is.

He is remaining faithful. but am i? today, i choose to remain faithful.

it's a challenge. every day. 

but He's a good Father. He knows where I need to be. and i trust Him. 


so here i am. and holy spirit, i pray that i would BE here. right here, completely. whole. embracing this moment. good, bad, or anything in between. help me to know that i am fully here in this moment.

break me, so i become fully dependent on you in EVERY way, GOD. there is no other way. and no other desire in my heart. 

this post was hard to write. every post is these days. my hands and fingers lock up. my eyes go blurry after about 10 minutes of staring at a computer screen. i've said it before and ill say it again: i'm not stopping.

He wants my story shared. He wants me to speak. He wants me weak. He wants me vulnerable. let me come before you in total reverence and awe, Father. do what only you can do and bring glory to your name IN the midst of this and through this.

if you are battling anything: let me fight with you and for you. please. share your prayer requests. share this post.

continue to follow my own personal journey and to support and raise awareness for lyme disease: http://gofundme.com/hf0jec


most of all, readers, whoever you are...i want you to be encouraged. the world will tell you you have to become more strong. FIGHT harder. SINK into Jesus and let Him carry you. His strength outweighs ours and may it always. let us forever be reminded of just how great, good, big and faithful you are, JESUS.

until next time,

XOXO,

C A i T L i N