t h r o u g h.

to you: whoever you are, wherever you're reading, whatever you're battling. God is FAITHFUL. do. not. give. up. i pray that the Holy Spirit would speak to you and cover you like never before today. 

i don't know if there's ever been any person in history that's been excited to hear the word through. 

although it carries many definitions, (yes, i'm a dictionary nerd), none seem too appealing to me.

maybe it's because it's been the word spoken over the season and circumstances that i'm in my life in right now.

yes, maybe that's why i'm not a big fan of the word through. 

definition: during the whole period of; throughout: ...it just sounds like work, doesn't it? 

this is just a season i'm walking through. this is just something i have to go through. 

through basically means you're not going around something. it means that there's no running, avoiding, hiding, or, most times, ANY way around it. 

through does have one definition that made me smile and breathe a sigh of relief:
 






























to have reached the end of something. 





















































but...to reach the end of something, you have to go through it first, right? I've "RUN" two half marathons. 










never have i wanted to reach the end of something so badly. but staring at the narrow pavement in front of me, 



i knew one thing. i was going through it. ain't no way around it.

but the reward for enduring, for going through, was COMPLETION. add it to the list. 








you then get to say, "i went THROUGH that."



















































































































                                                 CONQUERED IT.































and i came out on the other side of it. i had MADE it THROUGH. granted,  i was LIMPING. CRYING. HURTING. IN PAIN. BARELY THERE. BUT I MADE IT.  and my BODY. and my SOUL. and my SPIRIT. were better for it. 



i can't help but to imagine what the journey of Jesus carrying the Cross was like for Him. in fact, in all honesty it's too much sometimes to even handle. sweat, blood, tears, mockery, beating, struggling, barely breathing, about to collapse (to name a FEW.) 


















i've had a lot of people tell me not to claim sickness, disease, and tell me this lot in my life. 




















i've had a lot of people who may see me with a lack of faith because i'm not healed yet. i've literally been diagnosed for 3 weeks.





i've had and heard a lot of opinions from a lot of people. and that's okay. we all have opinions. Jesus knows i have mine. 
but all i keep hearing from the Holy Spirit is the word through. 
i like to argue with God sometimes (SHOCK) and I began to think...Lord, I've been through enough. I mean honestly. HOW SELFISH! 
i had a meeting with a guy the other day. It was a particularly bad day for me physically. I woke up nauseous, weak, and in so much pain i could barely breathe. there is a constant pit in my stomach and pain in my legs and arms that never goes away.
the same day, both my legs just gave out on me in the middle of target because i was so weak. 

this guy, a Christian, listened to me talk about my journey. my testimony. my life before Christ. my life with Him now. I talked and talked (which is completely out of character for me...NOT) 



















finally, i said, i'm not sure why i'm going through it and i'm not sure when Jesus is going to heal me, and to be honest it doesn't matter. There is PURPOSE. 
then, he looked at me and what he said was something that aligned with what the Holy Spirit had been speaking the whole time.
"you already have your healing. the pain that you are enduring is SiMiLiAR to the drops of blood that fell from his journey with the Cross, you have your healing already, but you have to go through a grueling, painful journey to get through to the other side."

                                    














































                                      UMMMM, HELLO.

























 
Jesus knew redemption and victory would be His but He had to go through. THROUGH. THROUGH. THROUGH. 








he endured. he went through. for others.



























































































lots would disagree.



i agree completely. 




















it won't be paradise. but it will be something greater. an equipping and tools for ministry that will grow the Kingdom of God. 
i don't know why Satan thinks that for some reason i'll lose my faith in this experience. which, in all honesty, has been the hardest journey. 














to me, He just keeps building my resume. 











there are hurting people in the world. ones that have been hurt as badly and even worse than i have been. 
and one day, i will look across, face to face, eye to eye to those women and be able to say with confidence and assurance: i've been through what you're going through. and Jesus is faithful to bring you THROUGH.
























































               so the sickness in my body? 







       
                                                               GENESiS 50:20 "don't you see? you planned evil against me, but God USED those same plans for my good, as you see all around you right now- LiFE. and life for many people." (MSG) 
so no. i'm not going to stop being vulnerable. i will stop talking about what i'm going through, or sharing my story. i will not stop encouraging others. i REFUSE to think of this journey as anything but an absolute honor from my Father. 
who am i that He would choose to be a vessel for His glory, His kingdom, His miracles, His spirit? seriously, instead of complaining about our issues...(and if you don't know by now, i have just a tad going on....) why can't we THANK God for what He is going to do through us, if we would just be willing to let Him and OBEY Him when He calls us: "it's time. it's time to go through it." 
since when did we tell God "I'll do anything for you, and then complain or rebuke off any bad thing that happens to us? 
for those of you who disagree: sickness and disease is not my lot in life. it doesn't define me. and it will not be who i am forever. but it is right now. 

and it is filling my life with grace, faith, trust, and the presence and comfort of the Holy Spirit like NEVER before.
yes. it's TERRIFYING. feeling like i'm losing my mind, not being able to think clearly. watching my cognitive thinking go down the drain.arthritis invading my joints. dibilitating muscle aches that make me move like a 90 yr old woman. positive blood tests. my central nervous system out of control. constant pain and anxiety. 
i am honored that he would call me on a yet another journey to go through. yes, honored. flattered. 





























IN OUR WEAKNESS // HE IS MADE STRONG. 



























He HAS incredible plans. AND HE WILL GET THE GLORY. and in the meantime, people WILL come to know JESUS. my FAITH will be proclaimed LOUDER. people will see MIRACLES. my HEALING will come. my family will undoubtedly see JESUS in me. and who knows what's gonna happen. 
but i can tell you one thing: it's gonna be GOOD. "that's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good." R o M A N S 8:28 (MSG)

i have had an outpouring of people, some i know, and some i don't. your faith is inspiring. some in the Lyme community. some not. some Christians. some NOT. THAT MATTERS TO ME. AND IT MATTERS TO GOD. if i could inspire just one through this journey, if just one comes to know Jesus or even begins to stir in their faith, to me, that is VICTORY.
so yes, i think i'll make a choice everyday to write: to write about how i feel, what God is doing, brutal honesty. and i hope you'll keep reading and following. and by the way, to blog these days, it takes me hours. once a grammar freak, now i constantly mis spell words. my vision is almost completely blurry. my hands ache and ache and ache. 










































































but i'm not stopping. 



































































let me encourage you from one of my favorite and life verses, from the NLT but it's even more in your face in the MSG, which for anybody knows me is how i play. IN YO FACE. no filter. just real talk.

"if you only look AT us, you might as well miss the brightness. we carry the precious Message around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives. that's to prevent anyone from confusing God's incomparable power with us. as it is, there's not much chance of that. you know for yourselves that we're not much to look at. we've been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we're not demoralized; we're not sure what to do, but we know what God knows what to do, we've been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn't left our side, we've been thrown down, but we haven't been broken. what they did to Jesus, they do to us- trial and torture, mockery and murder; what Jesus did among them, he does in us- HE LIVES. our lives are at constant risk for Jesus's sake, which makes Jesus's life all the more evident in us. While we're going through the worst, you're getting in on the best." 2 coRiNTHiANS 4:7-12













































































































INSTAGRAM: @caitlinannritchie TWITTER: @CaitlinRitchie6  GMAIL: ritchie.caitlin@gmail.com 































































































please feel free to share this blog and my GofundME. Follow my journey. love, blessing and prayer to ALL of you. 















































XOXO, 









































































































































































































































                                  C A I T L I N.






























               http://gofundme.com/hf0jec

a twist of LYME.

well, people that read my blog.

if there was ever a post i would want you to read and share, it would be this one. 


this past month and a half of my life have, well, to be honest with no over dramatization, (which if you know me is hard to believe) been completely turned upside down. 

diagnosis. what a word. 

1. the process of determining by examination the nature andcircumstances of a diseased condition.
2. a determining or analysis of the cause or nature of a problem or situation.

for those who know, and those who don't, my health began to take a major turn downhill in august. 

for months, i was in and out of hospitals, doctors offices, absent from work, absent from my internship. 

sometimes with answers, other times not. 

i've always been pretty healthy. you know, a ruptured appendix here, a flu there, some issues with an eating disorder...but fairly healthy and extremely active.

i've been lucky. i've been blessed. i've taken it for granted. WE ALL DO.

i traveled home for the holidays discouraged. 

i had a meeting with my pastor at Highlands for my internship and i decided i had come to the conclusion that i couldn't continue on with my internship in the physical condition that i was in and would take a leave of absence. 

i'm stubborn. i'm ignorant. i'm independent. and for months, i refused to let my body rest because i convinced myself- that maybe, just maybe this all was in my head. 

doctors diagnosed over and over.

and yet, every time, i seemed to be getting worse.

severe back pain. dehydration. constant nausea. dizziness. confusion in my head. blurred vision. loss of appetite. extreme fatigue.ruptured ovarian cysts. kidney infections. 

never in my life had i had to lay flat on my back because i am incapable of anything else than i have in the last S i X months. 

endometriosis. chronic fatigue illness. chronic back pain. complex ovarian cysts. the stomach flu.(2x in 1 month.) bronchitis. pneumonia.depression. anxiety.acid reflux.colon issues. a ripped muscle in my chest cavity that felt like broken ribs. an extreme vitamin D deficiency. a severely underactive thyroid.|| ALL SPOKEN OVER ME.

i traveled home praying that i would be able to find answers to what was really going on with my body. 

i have to give first all of the Glory to GOD: because the way He answered was a miracle. and second, to my sister: Adrienne. She urged me to see her doctor. Adrienne was diagnosed years ago with Lyme Disease. She has now contracted 4 co- infections and Lupus. She is, nonetheless, extremely sick and has battled for years with her health.

at one point, 3 months ago, in the middle of all of my symptoms, she said, "i really think you need to go get tested for lyme." i laughed in her face. "there's no way i have lyme."

LYME disease is an epidemic where I am from, in the Northeast. Both my sister and two of my cousins have been diagnosed and treated for it.for those of you who don't know, yes, you can only contract lyme disease by being bit by a tick. 

my time at home, which i thought would be relaxing, turned into symptom after symptom that began to severely concern me and my family. 

severe joint pain. severe muscle pain. extreme pain in both of my feet. tingling and feeling like blood was shooting down my arms and legs. restless leg syndrome. extreme intolerance to cold. tremors. waking up in a cold sweat. chills. getting overly heated. loss of appetite. constant nausea. constant dizziness. extreme sensitivity to light and sound. some days i could barely get out of bed.

i knew i had to see a doctor. i finally agreed to see my sister's doctor. after 2 hours in her office, she told me she was confident i had contracted Lyme, a tick borne illness. But we wouldn't know until the blood test. Even with the blood tests, there was a very high chance that lyme would not show up on my local labs. It took my sister 2 years before she was diagnosed. 

IMMEDIATELY, my doctor started me on a regimen of antibiotics while waiting for the blood tests.

5 days later: my doctor called me. I had tested positive for Lyme. I had been bitten by a tick in July, and it had immediately infected me, which explains my deteriorating health beginning in August.

i weeped tears of joy. I also had contracted a virus that lives in everybody, but was active in my body. Epstein Barr Virus. Chronic mono. 

now. the hard part. my treatment. 

because the antibiotics that i am on are so harsh, they can cause what is known as a "herx" reaction. the body goes into shock because the infection has been in your body for so long that when it begins to kill off infection, it's in shock. it resembles much like that of a detox. it's already started happening. causing more symptoms. constantly in pain. some days i just want to curl up and for it to be all over.

symptoms increasingly worsen. the worse i feel, however, people tell me, the better i am getting. 

lyme has thrown a twist in this thing called my life. 

EVERYTHING i used to be able to do, i cannot do. i can't work. some days it's hard to speak. some days my anxiety and depression is so bad i can't leave my house. other days i'll be at a place and have to leave. other days, i can't write. my hands lock up like i have arthritis and it causes so much pain.

this is not a post to complain about my symptoms. this is a post to tell my story of what is happening in my body right NOW. 

most people don't know lyme, understand lyme, or even recognize it. Most doctors won't treat lyme for longer than 10 days on antibiotics. Antibiotics, doctors, and treatment are not covered by insurance. 

it's time to bring awareness to such an insidious disease. it spreads to the brain and can manifest itself into ANY part of your body. it can lie dormant in your body, you can go into remission and feel better, and then relapse.

BESIDES ALL OF THAT.

IT IS NOT OVER.

God is working in my healing. The more i feel myself physically deteriorate, the more i feel i am being renewed spiritually every day. 

that is our gracious God. my SPiRiT first. in control. 

i don't know if i will be healed from lyme tomorrow, 1 year from now, 10 years from now or never. 

quite honestly, it doesn't matter to me. 

what matters more is that i trust him with my life and my body and that HE iS SOVEREiGN.

i have FAiTH. i don't know what He is doing, but i know HE is at work for my good. 

i'm not sure if you reading know what it's like to battle a chronic illness, to feel like you are losing control of your mind, and to lose the physical ability and willingness for your physical body to do anything. 

to have things taken away from you and to be solely reliant on God to provide for you and to depend on gracious, incredible friends and family to take care of your every need.

it is never fun to walk THROUGH.

but Jesus didn't go AROUND His physical suffering, He endured. He went through. 

and you want to know what i am reminded of when i think of the brutality and suffering he went through?

God, His daddy, His father, NEVER left Him, or forsaked Him. He was always with Him. 

i don't know what tomorrow or the next day or the next year or the next 10 years will look like.

and that's okay. because I have a Father that is fighting for me. (EXODUS 14:14) 

NOTHING IS TOO GREAT, TOO HARD, OR TOO MUCH FOR HIM TO HANDLE.

safely, He has me wrapped in His hands and that is the only place I want to be. 

to the ones who don't believe there is pain in the kingdom of God...look at Jesus. Look at the beauty that came out of such fire. 

suffering is next to Godliness. i truly believe there is a different dimension for suffering...where He brings people who are going through such immense pain so much closer to Him.

AND PRAISE HIM FOR THAT. 

i do not believe God has put this on me. He is good, He is merciful, He is gracious and He is loving.And He is leading me through to add just another chapter to this incredible story He is writing.

but i'll tell you one thing i believe: He knows I'M FIGHTING AND BELIEVING WITH HIM and HE WILL GET ALL OF THE GLORY FOR MY HEALING IN JESUS NAME. HOWEVER AND WHENEVER IT HAPPENS.

it doesn't matter when he does it, how he does it, how he chooses to do it, or why it's happening. 

HE IS FAITHFUL TO DO IT. 

"For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too."2 corinthians 1:5

"Instead, be very glad--for these trials make you partners with Christ in his suffering, so that you will have the wonderful joy of seeing his glory when it is revealed to all the world."1 peter 4:13

"Now if we are children, then we are heirs--heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory." romans 8:17

i want to share in his glory. take moment. don't you want to SHARE in Jesus' Christ's suffering with Him so one day we can also share in His RESURRECTION?! 

remember this song? these days, i find myself worshipping to it and finding myself DEEPER than i had ever imagined, knee deep, chest deep, barely above water...and then I remember that in times of desperation, in times of a MIRACLE, HE IS FAITHFUL TO SHOW UP. 

spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk along the waters, wherever YOU may lead me, take me DEEPER than my feet could ever wander, and my FAITH will be made stronger, in the PRESENCE of my SAVIOR.

HE'S NEVER FAILED. AND HE WON'T START NOW. 

may i continue to call upon your name and 

rest solely in your embrace, my Jesus. 

ONE MORE THING, this isn't the first battle i've faced, but it is without a hesitation of a doubt, the hardest. but God WILL use it for HIS glory and HIS glory alone. let me leave you with one thought. 

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people."G E N E S i S 50:20

you are faithful, Jesus. and I trust you.

all you say is faith as small as a mustard seed.and some days, it's hard to even have that. 

but when we are faithless, still, Father God, you are FAITHFUL. thank YOU. 

if you are battling a chronic illness, disease, or something difficult in your life, i would love to talk and pray with you. GOD IS BIGGER. Please feel free to email me or message me. I am here for YOU. 

Also, I will be moving home to Boston for a few short months for treatment. I have started a GofundME for my medical expenses, personal expenses and travel. If you feel led to donate, or even share, please do so. I am trusting God for supernatural provision and for miracles in my life, and also trying to raise awareness for Lyme Disease! (don't worry all you Alabamians that love me- i'll be back!)

http://gofundme.com/hf0jec

XOXO,

CAiTLiN. 

S i N C E || W H E N

i haven't been sleeping much the past few nights.

i'm about to fire melatonin for not doing it's job. 

nonetheless, i have lots on my mind. 

it's been a really trying past few months. 

the other night, i kept waking up. 

it was one of those... "it's 12:30. i have 6 more hours. it's 1:30. i have 5 more hours. it's...." you get the point.

finally, i picked up my phone and opened my notes. 

the first words i typed were "take off the mask."

quite surprising since the last few months i've barely been able to communicate honestly about what's being going on with me.

then i laughed. because the Holy Spirit so graciously speaks to us in the moments we need it the most. 

even if it is when you're sleep deprived and wide awake and looking like the loch ness monster at 2am. 

i mean, but seriously, i've battled this the last 4 months. 

mainly because there's such a fear to be real and open and transparent with people about what's going in and your life and how you're really feeling.

and i'm not talking acquaintances or people that aren't really a part of your life. 

quite the opposite.

how have we become so afraid to speak openly and communicate genuine emotion with OUR people? 

we all have people. you know. our people. our person. those friends. 

like, somebody just broke your heart and you call them and they know exactly what to say.

or, if you're a girl, you're having a mental breakdown for the 900th time this week and you just need to vent.

or you're so burnt out that you just need to cry. and they'll sit in silence with you and let you. 

the more i laid in bed and thought about it, the more i just couldn't kick the thought of how incapable most of us have become at being vulnerable. 

what's "real" these days is so far from what reality is. 

and it fills me with righteous anger.

lots of it. 

why is it, in a world where nobody has any problem talking about ANYTHING lewd and crude and boasting about their sin...is it so hard to talk struggle, fear, frustration and pain? 

because...let's pause for a second. let's just be real for a second.

isn't that what most of us are experiencing on the day to day? 

GASP. yeah, i just said that.

Christians experience struggle | fear | pain | frustration. 

SHOCK, i know. 

newsflash to everybody in the world: talking about these things doesn't make us BAD or WEAK Christians. 

it actually makes us MORE like JESUS.

and, um, isn't this the goal? 

how can we live a vulnerable life if we hide behind fake smiles? 

most of what Jesus did was keeping it real. He addressed issues. Face to face. He was bold and unafraid. He condemned the religious patterns and longed for people to understand the need for real, authentic, loving relationship with others. And HE talked about issues. 

He didn't run away from them. He didn't shy away from them. And He certainly didn't FAKE anything.

there's also one BIG difference between what Jesus did and what you and I do. 

Jesus never stayed focused in the midst of people's problems. He never stayed focused on the pain and suffering that others were enduring. 

He kept eternally minded. He focused on being present, but He also kept equally focused on  trust, hope, faith and the future.

He didn't shy away from issues. and if we are to exemplify Him in all we do, then neither should we.

yesterday i read a quote and it hit me right in the middle of my gut.

Jesus did not come to fix it all. He came to be with us in the middle of it all. 

i think one reason we are so scared to talk about our problems is that we have the altogether wrong view of who our Jesus is sometimes. 

the Cross had many purposes.

and i am beyond thankful for each and every one of them.

but one of the purposes, particularly in this season that i am focused on and so grateful for is this:

the Cross wasn't to take away our problems. it was to give us somebody to walk through them with us. 

remaining faithful doesn't mean we live a picture perfect life, problem free, ignore all of our problems and are happy all of the time.

it means that REGARDLESS of what we go through, we cling to the only One who can help us through it. 

and that we talk. that we communicate. first, to our Jesus, who IS LISTENING!

"Because he bends down to listen,
    I will pray as long as I have breath!" || PSALM 116:2

but also, that we talk to others. our people. 

if there is anything that i have learned through these past few months is that keeping silent has done nothing for me.

God has placed me in a loving church, focused on relationships with others. 

He has placed incredible pastors, mentors, teachers, and friends that have become my family in my life.

HE has given me people who i am immensely loved by, cared by, and who love me for me.

so, since when have i fallen back into wearing a mask around these people? 

God has given us permission to be exactly who we are and to be open about what we're going through. 

since when is it our job to lock ourselves back into the room of isolation?

what good does it do us? 

the answer isn't rocket science : it does us NO good.

more important, what message does it send to our Jesus?

see, i'm a firm believer that others find a way to the Kingdom and see the reflection of Jesus when they see us in in the middle of our brokenness, comforted by a loving Savior who is greater than it ALL.

not when we hide and are superficial. 

the world's had enough superficial for eternity.

they want real. 

people want to know they can be accepted right where they are, loved for who they are and not judged for who they aren't and what they're going through.

since when are we to think that we should have it all together? really. since when?

the WORLD // our broken lives // humanity//

will always be full of chaos, pain, brokenness and hardship. 

but Jesus. 

the Cross happened as a result of us not having the capability to ever have it together.

it serves as a promise that we are stitched together by Him and not our own efforts or good intentions. 

He invades brokenness. 

i can attest that the times where i have felt the loving presence of Jesus...

...the power of the Holy Spirit 

....the loving, calming, powerful, truthful voice of the Father...

were in the times where i have been surrounded by brothers, sisters, spiritual fathers and mothers of the faith...

sometimes just a few, sometimes more. 

surrendered before God, completely open, vulnerable and transparent. 

"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." || JAMES 5:16

"For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them." || MATTHEW 18:20

i don't know about you, but i cannot and i will not do this life alone.

just closing myself off these past few months have done enough damage. 

thankfully His grace is sufficient and the people in my life have so very gracefully stood by me, in my moments of isolation, never having left my side.

it's time to speak. to be honest. unafraid to be broken. bold enough to say how weak we actually are feeling. 

"and let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another- and all the more as you see the Day approaching." || ROMANS 10:25.

to neglect meeting and talking with our people, our army, 

is to GIVE up what God has rightly given us. 

it is to take in vain the the free encouragement, love, and help of other Christians in the faith. 

when we gather is where we share our faith, our hope, our struggles, our pain....it is simply where we strengthen each other in the Lord.

and ALL of us, every single one of us, need it.

the closer we get to the day of His return, the more struggle and persecution we will face. 

we need to be reminded in the chaotic, messy, broken walk that is our life that Jesus is in the middle of the mess and He is our peace. He is walking with us. 

and all He whispers is "come closer." 

GOD just wants our heart. every thought, every tear, every broken piece. 

after all: He created it. we belong to Him.

we need our people. we need to talk. we need to walk, and fight and battle for each other. 

SINCE WHEN are we to do life alone?

until next time. 

x o x o,

C A i T L i N