if there was ever a post i would want you to read and share, it would be this one.
this past month and a half of my life have, well, to be honest with no over dramatization, (which if you know me is hard to believe) been completely turned upside down.
diagnosis. what a word.
- the process of determining by examination the nature andcircumstances of a diseased condition.
- a determining or analysis of the cause or nature of a problem or situation.
for those who know, and those who don't, my health began to take a major turn downhill in august.
for months, i was in and out of hospitals, doctors offices, absent from work, absent from my internship.
sometimes with answers, other times not.
i've always been pretty healthy. you know, a ruptured appendix here, a flu there, some issues with an eating disorder...but fairly healthy and extremely active.
i've been lucky. i've been blessed. i've taken it for granted. WE ALL DO.
i traveled home for the holidays discouraged.
i had a meeting with my pastor at Highlands for my internship and i decided i had come to the conclusion that i couldn't continue on with my internship in the physical condition that i was in and would take a leave of absence.
i'm stubborn. i'm ignorant. i'm independent. and for months, i refused to let my body rest because i convinced myself- that maybe, just maybe this all was in my head.
doctors diagnosed over and over.
and yet, every time, i seemed to be getting worse.
severe back pain. dehydration. constant nausea. dizziness. confusion in my head. blurred vision. loss of appetite. extreme fatigue.ruptured ovarian cysts. kidney infections.
never in my life had i had to lay flat on my back because i am incapable of anything else than i have in the last S i X months.
endometriosis. chronic fatigue illness. chronic back pain. complex ovarian cysts. the stomach flu.(2x in 1 month.) bronchitis. pneumonia.depression. anxiety.acid reflux.colon issues. a ripped muscle in my chest cavity that felt like broken ribs. an extreme vitamin D deficiency. a severely underactive thyroid.|| ALL SPOKEN OVER ME.
i traveled home praying that i would be able to find answers to what was really going on with my body.
i have to give first all of the Glory to GOD: because the way He answered was a miracle. and second, to my sister: Adrienne. She urged me to see her doctor. Adrienne was diagnosed years ago with Lyme Disease. She has now contracted 4 co- infections and Lupus. She is, nonetheless, extremely sick and has battled for years with her health.
at one point, 3 months ago, in the middle of all of my symptoms, she said, "i really think you need to go get tested for lyme." i laughed in her face. "there's no way i have lyme."
LYME disease is an epidemic where I am from, in the Northeast. Both my sister and two of my cousins have been diagnosed and treated for it.for those of you who don't know, yes, you can only contract lyme disease by being bit by a tick.
my time at home, which i thought would be relaxing, turned into symptom after symptom that began to severely concern me and my family.
severe joint pain. severe muscle pain. extreme pain in both of my feet. tingling and feeling like blood was shooting down my arms and legs. restless leg syndrome. extreme intolerance to cold. tremors. waking up in a cold sweat. chills. getting overly heated. loss of appetite. constant nausea. constant dizziness. extreme sensitivity to light and sound. some days i could barely get out of bed.
i knew i had to see a doctor. i finally agreed to see my sister's doctor. after 2 hours in her office, she told me she was confident i had contracted Lyme, a tick borne illness. But we wouldn't know until the blood test. Even with the blood tests, there was a very high chance that lyme would not show up on my local labs. It took my sister 2 years before she was diagnosed.
IMMEDIATELY, my doctor started me on a regimen of antibiotics while waiting for the blood tests.
5 days later: my doctor called me. I had tested positive for Lyme. I had been bitten by a tick in July, and it had immediately infected me, which explains my deteriorating health beginning in August.
i weeped tears of joy. I also had contracted a virus that lives in everybody, but was active in my body. Epstein Barr Virus. Chronic mono.
now. the hard part. my treatment.
because the antibiotics that i am on are so harsh, they can cause what is known as a "herx" reaction. the body goes into shock because the infection has been in your body for so long that when it begins to kill off infection, it's in shock. it resembles much like that of a detox. it's already started happening. causing more symptoms. constantly in pain. some days i just want to curl up and for it to be all over.
symptoms increasingly worsen. the worse i feel, however, people tell me, the better i am getting.
lyme has thrown a twist in this thing called my life.
EVERYTHING i used to be able to do, i cannot do. i can't work. some days it's hard to speak. some days my anxiety and depression is so bad i can't leave my house. other days i'll be at a place and have to leave. other days, i can't write. my hands lock up like i have arthritis and it causes so much pain.
this is not a post to complain about my symptoms. this is a post to tell my story of what is happening in my body right NOW.
most people don't know lyme, understand lyme, or even recognize it. Most doctors won't treat lyme for longer than 10 days on antibiotics. Antibiotics, doctors, and treatment are not covered by insurance.
it's time to bring awareness to such an insidious disease. it spreads to the brain and can manifest itself into ANY part of your body. it can lie dormant in your body, you can go into remission and feel better, and then relapse.
BESIDES ALL OF THAT.
IT IS NOT OVER.
IT IS NOT OVER.
God is working in my healing. The more i feel myself physically deteriorate, the more i feel i am being renewed spiritually every day.
that is our gracious God. my SPiRiT first. in control.
i don't know if i will be healed from lyme tomorrow, 1 year from now, 10 years from now or never.
quite honestly, it doesn't matter to me.
what matters more is that i trust him with my life and my body and that HE iS SOVEREiGN.
i have FAiTH. i don't know what He is doing, but i know HE is at work for my good.
i'm not sure if you reading know what it's like to battle a chronic illness, to feel like you are losing control of your mind, and to lose the physical ability and willingness for your physical body to do anything.
to have things taken away from you and to be solely reliant on God to provide for you and to depend on gracious, incredible friends and family to take care of your every need.
it is never fun to walk THROUGH.
but Jesus didn't go AROUND His physical suffering, He endured. He went through.
and you want to know what i am reminded of when i think of the brutality and suffering he went through?
God, His daddy, His father, NEVER left Him, or forsaked Him. He was always with Him.
i don't know what tomorrow or the next day or the next year or the next 10 years will look like.
and that's okay. because I have a Father that is fighting for me. (EXODUS 14:14)
NOTHING IS TOO GREAT, TOO HARD, OR TOO MUCH FOR HIM TO HANDLE.
safely, He has me wrapped in His hands and that is the only place I want to be.
to the ones who don't believe there is pain in the kingdom of God...look at Jesus. Look at the beauty that came out of such fire.
suffering is next to Godliness. i truly believe there is a different dimension for suffering...where He brings people who are going through such immense pain so much closer to Him.
AND PRAISE HIM FOR THAT.
AND PRAISE HIM FOR THAT.
i do not believe God has put this on me. He is good, He is merciful, He is gracious and He is loving.And He is leading me through to add just another chapter to this incredible story He is writing.
but i'll tell you one thing i believe: He knows I'M FIGHTING AND BELIEVING WITH HIM and HE WILL GET ALL OF THE GLORY FOR MY HEALING IN JESUS NAME. HOWEVER AND WHENEVER IT HAPPENS.
it doesn't matter when he does it, how he does it, how he chooses to do it, or why it's happening.
HE IS FAITHFUL TO DO IT.
"For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too."2 corinthians 1:5
"Instead, be very glad--for these trials make you partners with Christ in his suffering, so that you will have the wonderful joy of seeing his glory when it is revealed to all the world."1 peter 4:13
"Now if we are children, then we are heirs--heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory." romans 8:17
i want to share in his glory. take moment. don't you want to SHARE in Jesus' Christ's suffering with Him so one day we can also share in His RESURRECTION?!
remember this song? these days, i find myself worshipping to it and finding myself DEEPER than i had ever imagined, knee deep, chest deep, barely above water...and then I remember that in times of desperation, in times of a MIRACLE, HE IS FAITHFUL TO SHOW UP.
spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk along the waters, wherever YOU may lead me, take me DEEPER than my feet could ever wander, and my FAITH will be made stronger, in the PRESENCE of my SAVIOR.
HE'S NEVER FAILED. AND HE WON'T START NOW.
may i continue to call upon your name and
rest solely in your embrace, my Jesus.
ONE MORE THING, this isn't the first battle i've faced, but it is without a hesitation of a doubt, the hardest. but God WILL use it for HIS glory and HIS glory alone. let me leave you with one thought.
"You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people."G E N E S i S 50:20
you are faithful, Jesus. and I trust you.
all you say is faith as small as a mustard seed.and some days, it's hard to even have that.
but when we are faithless, still, Father God, you are FAITHFUL. thank YOU.
if you are battling a chronic illness, disease, or something difficult in your life, i would love to talk and pray with you. GOD IS BIGGER. Please feel free to email me or message me. I am here for YOU.
Also, I will be moving home to Boston for a few short months for treatment. I have started a GofundME for my medical expenses, personal expenses and travel. If you feel led to donate, or even share, please do so. I am trusting God for supernatural provision and for miracles in my life, and also trying to raise awareness for Lyme Disease! (don't worry all you Alabamians that love me- i'll be back!)
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