a twist of LYME.

well, people that read my blog.

if there was ever a post i would want you to read and share, it would be this one. 


this past month and a half of my life have, well, to be honest with no over dramatization, (which if you know me is hard to believe) been completely turned upside down. 

diagnosis. what a word. 

1. the process of determining by examination the nature andcircumstances of a diseased condition.
2. a determining or analysis of the cause or nature of a problem or situation.

for those who know, and those who don't, my health began to take a major turn downhill in august. 

for months, i was in and out of hospitals, doctors offices, absent from work, absent from my internship. 

sometimes with answers, other times not. 

i've always been pretty healthy. you know, a ruptured appendix here, a flu there, some issues with an eating disorder...but fairly healthy and extremely active.

i've been lucky. i've been blessed. i've taken it for granted. WE ALL DO.

i traveled home for the holidays discouraged. 

i had a meeting with my pastor at Highlands for my internship and i decided i had come to the conclusion that i couldn't continue on with my internship in the physical condition that i was in and would take a leave of absence. 

i'm stubborn. i'm ignorant. i'm independent. and for months, i refused to let my body rest because i convinced myself- that maybe, just maybe this all was in my head. 

doctors diagnosed over and over.

and yet, every time, i seemed to be getting worse.

severe back pain. dehydration. constant nausea. dizziness. confusion in my head. blurred vision. loss of appetite. extreme fatigue.ruptured ovarian cysts. kidney infections. 

never in my life had i had to lay flat on my back because i am incapable of anything else than i have in the last S i X months. 

endometriosis. chronic fatigue illness. chronic back pain. complex ovarian cysts. the stomach flu.(2x in 1 month.) bronchitis. pneumonia.depression. anxiety.acid reflux.colon issues. a ripped muscle in my chest cavity that felt like broken ribs. an extreme vitamin D deficiency. a severely underactive thyroid.|| ALL SPOKEN OVER ME.

i traveled home praying that i would be able to find answers to what was really going on with my body. 

i have to give first all of the Glory to GOD: because the way He answered was a miracle. and second, to my sister: Adrienne. She urged me to see her doctor. Adrienne was diagnosed years ago with Lyme Disease. She has now contracted 4 co- infections and Lupus. She is, nonetheless, extremely sick and has battled for years with her health.

at one point, 3 months ago, in the middle of all of my symptoms, she said, "i really think you need to go get tested for lyme." i laughed in her face. "there's no way i have lyme."

LYME disease is an epidemic where I am from, in the Northeast. Both my sister and two of my cousins have been diagnosed and treated for it.for those of you who don't know, yes, you can only contract lyme disease by being bit by a tick. 

my time at home, which i thought would be relaxing, turned into symptom after symptom that began to severely concern me and my family. 

severe joint pain. severe muscle pain. extreme pain in both of my feet. tingling and feeling like blood was shooting down my arms and legs. restless leg syndrome. extreme intolerance to cold. tremors. waking up in a cold sweat. chills. getting overly heated. loss of appetite. constant nausea. constant dizziness. extreme sensitivity to light and sound. some days i could barely get out of bed.

i knew i had to see a doctor. i finally agreed to see my sister's doctor. after 2 hours in her office, she told me she was confident i had contracted Lyme, a tick borne illness. But we wouldn't know until the blood test. Even with the blood tests, there was a very high chance that lyme would not show up on my local labs. It took my sister 2 years before she was diagnosed. 

IMMEDIATELY, my doctor started me on a regimen of antibiotics while waiting for the blood tests.

5 days later: my doctor called me. I had tested positive for Lyme. I had been bitten by a tick in July, and it had immediately infected me, which explains my deteriorating health beginning in August.

i weeped tears of joy. I also had contracted a virus that lives in everybody, but was active in my body. Epstein Barr Virus. Chronic mono. 

now. the hard part. my treatment. 

because the antibiotics that i am on are so harsh, they can cause what is known as a "herx" reaction. the body goes into shock because the infection has been in your body for so long that when it begins to kill off infection, it's in shock. it resembles much like that of a detox. it's already started happening. causing more symptoms. constantly in pain. some days i just want to curl up and for it to be all over.

symptoms increasingly worsen. the worse i feel, however, people tell me, the better i am getting. 

lyme has thrown a twist in this thing called my life. 

EVERYTHING i used to be able to do, i cannot do. i can't work. some days it's hard to speak. some days my anxiety and depression is so bad i can't leave my house. other days i'll be at a place and have to leave. other days, i can't write. my hands lock up like i have arthritis and it causes so much pain.

this is not a post to complain about my symptoms. this is a post to tell my story of what is happening in my body right NOW. 

most people don't know lyme, understand lyme, or even recognize it. Most doctors won't treat lyme for longer than 10 days on antibiotics. Antibiotics, doctors, and treatment are not covered by insurance. 

it's time to bring awareness to such an insidious disease. it spreads to the brain and can manifest itself into ANY part of your body. it can lie dormant in your body, you can go into remission and feel better, and then relapse.

BESIDES ALL OF THAT.

IT IS NOT OVER.

God is working in my healing. The more i feel myself physically deteriorate, the more i feel i am being renewed spiritually every day. 

that is our gracious God. my SPiRiT first. in control. 

i don't know if i will be healed from lyme tomorrow, 1 year from now, 10 years from now or never. 

quite honestly, it doesn't matter to me. 

what matters more is that i trust him with my life and my body and that HE iS SOVEREiGN.

i have FAiTH. i don't know what He is doing, but i know HE is at work for my good. 

i'm not sure if you reading know what it's like to battle a chronic illness, to feel like you are losing control of your mind, and to lose the physical ability and willingness for your physical body to do anything. 

to have things taken away from you and to be solely reliant on God to provide for you and to depend on gracious, incredible friends and family to take care of your every need.

it is never fun to walk THROUGH.

but Jesus didn't go AROUND His physical suffering, He endured. He went through. 

and you want to know what i am reminded of when i think of the brutality and suffering he went through?

God, His daddy, His father, NEVER left Him, or forsaked Him. He was always with Him. 

i don't know what tomorrow or the next day or the next year or the next 10 years will look like.

and that's okay. because I have a Father that is fighting for me. (EXODUS 14:14) 

NOTHING IS TOO GREAT, TOO HARD, OR TOO MUCH FOR HIM TO HANDLE.

safely, He has me wrapped in His hands and that is the only place I want to be. 

to the ones who don't believe there is pain in the kingdom of God...look at Jesus. Look at the beauty that came out of such fire. 

suffering is next to Godliness. i truly believe there is a different dimension for suffering...where He brings people who are going through such immense pain so much closer to Him.

AND PRAISE HIM FOR THAT. 

i do not believe God has put this on me. He is good, He is merciful, He is gracious and He is loving.And He is leading me through to add just another chapter to this incredible story He is writing.

but i'll tell you one thing i believe: He knows I'M FIGHTING AND BELIEVING WITH HIM and HE WILL GET ALL OF THE GLORY FOR MY HEALING IN JESUS NAME. HOWEVER AND WHENEVER IT HAPPENS.

it doesn't matter when he does it, how he does it, how he chooses to do it, or why it's happening. 

HE IS FAITHFUL TO DO IT. 

"For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too."2 corinthians 1:5

"Instead, be very glad--for these trials make you partners with Christ in his suffering, so that you will have the wonderful joy of seeing his glory when it is revealed to all the world."1 peter 4:13

"Now if we are children, then we are heirs--heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory." romans 8:17

i want to share in his glory. take moment. don't you want to SHARE in Jesus' Christ's suffering with Him so one day we can also share in His RESURRECTION?! 

remember this song? these days, i find myself worshipping to it and finding myself DEEPER than i had ever imagined, knee deep, chest deep, barely above water...and then I remember that in times of desperation, in times of a MIRACLE, HE IS FAITHFUL TO SHOW UP. 

spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk along the waters, wherever YOU may lead me, take me DEEPER than my feet could ever wander, and my FAITH will be made stronger, in the PRESENCE of my SAVIOR.

HE'S NEVER FAILED. AND HE WON'T START NOW. 

may i continue to call upon your name and 

rest solely in your embrace, my Jesus. 

ONE MORE THING, this isn't the first battle i've faced, but it is without a hesitation of a doubt, the hardest. but God WILL use it for HIS glory and HIS glory alone. let me leave you with one thought. 

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people."G E N E S i S 50:20

you are faithful, Jesus. and I trust you.

all you say is faith as small as a mustard seed.and some days, it's hard to even have that. 

but when we are faithless, still, Father God, you are FAITHFUL. thank YOU. 

if you are battling a chronic illness, disease, or something difficult in your life, i would love to talk and pray with you. GOD IS BIGGER. Please feel free to email me or message me. I am here for YOU. 

Also, I will be moving home to Boston for a few short months for treatment. I have started a GofundME for my medical expenses, personal expenses and travel. If you feel led to donate, or even share, please do so. I am trusting God for supernatural provision and for miracles in my life, and also trying to raise awareness for Lyme Disease! (don't worry all you Alabamians that love me- i'll be back!)

http://gofundme.com/hf0jec

XOXO,

CAiTLiN. 

S i N C E || W H E N

i haven't been sleeping much the past few nights.

i'm about to fire melatonin for not doing it's job. 

nonetheless, i have lots on my mind. 

it's been a really trying past few months. 

the other night, i kept waking up. 

it was one of those... "it's 12:30. i have 6 more hours. it's 1:30. i have 5 more hours. it's...." you get the point.

finally, i picked up my phone and opened my notes. 

the first words i typed were "take off the mask."

quite surprising since the last few months i've barely been able to communicate honestly about what's being going on with me.

then i laughed. because the Holy Spirit so graciously speaks to us in the moments we need it the most. 

even if it is when you're sleep deprived and wide awake and looking like the loch ness monster at 2am. 

i mean, but seriously, i've battled this the last 4 months. 

mainly because there's such a fear to be real and open and transparent with people about what's going in and your life and how you're really feeling.

and i'm not talking acquaintances or people that aren't really a part of your life. 

quite the opposite.

how have we become so afraid to speak openly and communicate genuine emotion with OUR people? 

we all have people. you know. our people. our person. those friends. 

like, somebody just broke your heart and you call them and they know exactly what to say.

or, if you're a girl, you're having a mental breakdown for the 900th time this week and you just need to vent.

or you're so burnt out that you just need to cry. and they'll sit in silence with you and let you. 

the more i laid in bed and thought about it, the more i just couldn't kick the thought of how incapable most of us have become at being vulnerable. 

what's "real" these days is so far from what reality is. 

and it fills me with righteous anger.

lots of it. 

why is it, in a world where nobody has any problem talking about ANYTHING lewd and crude and boasting about their sin...is it so hard to talk struggle, fear, frustration and pain? 

because...let's pause for a second. let's just be real for a second.

isn't that what most of us are experiencing on the day to day? 

GASP. yeah, i just said that.

Christians experience struggle | fear | pain | frustration. 

SHOCK, i know. 

newsflash to everybody in the world: talking about these things doesn't make us BAD or WEAK Christians. 

it actually makes us MORE like JESUS.

and, um, isn't this the goal? 

how can we live a vulnerable life if we hide behind fake smiles? 

most of what Jesus did was keeping it real. He addressed issues. Face to face. He was bold and unafraid. He condemned the religious patterns and longed for people to understand the need for real, authentic, loving relationship with others. And HE talked about issues. 

He didn't run away from them. He didn't shy away from them. And He certainly didn't FAKE anything.

there's also one BIG difference between what Jesus did and what you and I do. 

Jesus never stayed focused in the midst of people's problems. He never stayed focused on the pain and suffering that others were enduring. 

He kept eternally minded. He focused on being present, but He also kept equally focused on  trust, hope, faith and the future.

He didn't shy away from issues. and if we are to exemplify Him in all we do, then neither should we.

yesterday i read a quote and it hit me right in the middle of my gut.

Jesus did not come to fix it all. He came to be with us in the middle of it all. 

i think one reason we are so scared to talk about our problems is that we have the altogether wrong view of who our Jesus is sometimes. 

the Cross had many purposes.

and i am beyond thankful for each and every one of them.

but one of the purposes, particularly in this season that i am focused on and so grateful for is this:

the Cross wasn't to take away our problems. it was to give us somebody to walk through them with us. 

remaining faithful doesn't mean we live a picture perfect life, problem free, ignore all of our problems and are happy all of the time.

it means that REGARDLESS of what we go through, we cling to the only One who can help us through it. 

and that we talk. that we communicate. first, to our Jesus, who IS LISTENING!

"Because he bends down to listen,
    I will pray as long as I have breath!" || PSALM 116:2

but also, that we talk to others. our people. 

if there is anything that i have learned through these past few months is that keeping silent has done nothing for me.

God has placed me in a loving church, focused on relationships with others. 

He has placed incredible pastors, mentors, teachers, and friends that have become my family in my life.

HE has given me people who i am immensely loved by, cared by, and who love me for me.

so, since when have i fallen back into wearing a mask around these people? 

God has given us permission to be exactly who we are and to be open about what we're going through. 

since when is it our job to lock ourselves back into the room of isolation?

what good does it do us? 

the answer isn't rocket science : it does us NO good.

more important, what message does it send to our Jesus?

see, i'm a firm believer that others find a way to the Kingdom and see the reflection of Jesus when they see us in in the middle of our brokenness, comforted by a loving Savior who is greater than it ALL.

not when we hide and are superficial. 

the world's had enough superficial for eternity.

they want real. 

people want to know they can be accepted right where they are, loved for who they are and not judged for who they aren't and what they're going through.

since when are we to think that we should have it all together? really. since when?

the WORLD // our broken lives // humanity//

will always be full of chaos, pain, brokenness and hardship. 

but Jesus. 

the Cross happened as a result of us not having the capability to ever have it together.

it serves as a promise that we are stitched together by Him and not our own efforts or good intentions. 

He invades brokenness. 

i can attest that the times where i have felt the loving presence of Jesus...

...the power of the Holy Spirit 

....the loving, calming, powerful, truthful voice of the Father...

were in the times where i have been surrounded by brothers, sisters, spiritual fathers and mothers of the faith...

sometimes just a few, sometimes more. 

surrendered before God, completely open, vulnerable and transparent. 

"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." || JAMES 5:16

"For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them." || MATTHEW 18:20

i don't know about you, but i cannot and i will not do this life alone.

just closing myself off these past few months have done enough damage. 

thankfully His grace is sufficient and the people in my life have so very gracefully stood by me, in my moments of isolation, never having left my side.

it's time to speak. to be honest. unafraid to be broken. bold enough to say how weak we actually are feeling. 

"and let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another- and all the more as you see the Day approaching." || ROMANS 10:25.

to neglect meeting and talking with our people, our army, 

is to GIVE up what God has rightly given us. 

it is to take in vain the the free encouragement, love, and help of other Christians in the faith. 

when we gather is where we share our faith, our hope, our struggles, our pain....it is simply where we strengthen each other in the Lord.

and ALL of us, every single one of us, need it.

the closer we get to the day of His return, the more struggle and persecution we will face. 

we need to be reminded in the chaotic, messy, broken walk that is our life that Jesus is in the middle of the mess and He is our peace. He is walking with us. 

and all He whispers is "come closer." 

GOD just wants our heart. every thought, every tear, every broken piece. 

after all: He created it. we belong to Him.

we need our people. we need to talk. we need to walk, and fight and battle for each other. 

SINCE WHEN are we to do life alone?

until next time. 

x o x o,

C A i T L i N

what's in a name?

i've been thinking a lot lately about names. 

and for you MEGA Christians, this has nothing to do with the release of Hillsong's "No other Name" album. 

ok, fine. you caught me. it does a little bit. when i feel inspired, i gotta run with it. it's the Holy Spirit. i'm a writer. deal with it. 

you know, names hold a lot of power. think about it.

a lot of people in life think long and hard about what they want to name things:

cars, pets, babies…

( i feel like that order is a bit off but…whatever. don't judge me.) 

my point is that names hold power. 

we think a lot about them.

they carry meanings, definitions, and sometimes hold special places in our heart. 

just to know a name can simply be special to us. it may remind us of somebody, a time with that person, a name of a parent or a sibling, or somebody that we met or knew along the way. they can remind us of a particular time in our life when that name, that person  was present in our life during a tough season.

names. they identify us. don't they?

i can bet if you're reading this, you also know that there's been a time where you've been called a name that has hurt you. maybe you brushed it off, maybe it has stuck with you. maybe you're battling it today. 

names are special. names have meaning. sometimes good. and sometimes bad. and lastly, names have power. 

say what you will, but names have power.

they are what designate us. what we are called. they are how we're known.

in case you're wondering, this is the moment in the blog where i'm gonna go spiritual. i know you were waiting for it. here it is.

i don't know about you, but there's one name that, tonight, i am BEYOND grateful to know. 

the smallest whisper and it brings a calming peace that nothing else can compare to.

just the mention of it and demons flee.

the shout of it and everything else B O W S.

that name would be Jesus. 

if you're reading this, i hope you know Jesus. if you don't, i would love to talk with you and pray for you! 

anyway, Jesus is pretty cool. 

HE , to put it simply, invaded my heart 3 years ago and my life has been wrecked (in the best way possible), ever since. 

he takes the broken and makes them beautiful.

he rescues us out of pits of hell and gives us a { s a f e refuge } to rest in. 

there are millions of things i could go on and on about. 

so many things i love about Him. 

perhaps my favorite thing about my Jesus is the fact that H E is a redeemer. 

the fact that i love this word may be news to you, especially since the name of my blog is a heart R E D E E M E D. ( sarcasm, again. sorry. not sorry.) 


this whole blog post was stirred by a random conversation i was having the other day. 

i found myself talking about names and what they meant.

immediately, i flashed back to the day, many years, before i accepted Jesus as my Savior, to the day i googled the meaning of my name. 

Caitlin Ann.

i have always been super proud to carry the name "ann". it is my grandmother's midde name, but the one she is called by. i am honored to carry her name. but i never knew what it meant.

i remember googling what my name meant. it was a very, very dark period in my life. 

i would, in fact, very boldly, call it my rock bottom.

drugs, parties, guys…my life revolved around these things. 

drugs + alcohol blurred everything around me.

parties became my whole life and my identity. i was deemed the "crazy party girl" and i gladly fulfilled it. 

guys used me. they consumed me. they abused me. they left me tarnished and stained, empty, but filled, broken into pieces, never to be put back together AGAIN. 

there i sat, desperately seeking to know who I was, to see if I could find my identity, my true identity in all of the darkness that had invaded what was now my life. 

i laughed, mocking the definition of my name on the screen as i read it before me.

caitlin: derived from Kathleen. Irish. "pure."

ann: derived from hebrew. "He has favored me."

what a CROCK. i remember thinking, i am the furthest thing from pure. i am the furthest person from God. and take a look at my life. i am not favored. i am nothing. 

with that, i slunk back into my pity party of a life, blurring my thoughts, feelings and emotions with parties, drugs, and guys…and moved on.

every now and then i'd say in conversation, "my name means PURE. how hilarious is that?! too bad i'm the complete opposite!" 

my friends and i would have great laughs, mocking at how far i was from what my name actually meant. it became a running joke. 

somebody else was laughing. yes. God was laughing. 

fast forward to year 3 in relationship with my Jesus. 

i sat at a table, talking to a friend about sexual impurity. we started talking about the favor of God. we started talking life, calling, and Jesus.


it is part of my calling to minister to women who have been abused in this way, and/ or have tried to gain their worth by giving themselves away.

it is part of my calling to minister to ones who have never dreamed of being "favored by God", who have never felt loved or felt any goodness or joy. 

i started smiling and laughing. why? B E C A U S E:

i was never going to be the example for "purity." 

i was never going to be the example for "favored."

i started laughing and i started laughing loud. 

because despite my complete doubt, insecurity, and insane mocking all of those years before, my Jesus HAS completely redeemed my true name.

my favorite definition of redeem is to recover. to get back. to restore to it's original purpose. 

yes. He took an impure girl and restored to her what He always intended…purity.

He took favor that had been stolen from her by the enemy and blessed her life with an abundance of it. 

i laughed. He laughed.

not only did he recover my name and make it my true identity again, but He has called me to speak out on the things He has always intended for me. 

favor. purity. 

he has blessed a girl who lived years feeling empty, worthless and a big pile of nothing with inexplainable favor.

i mean, literally, and i'm not talking something happens and we wave "favor ain't fair"….but times where it has been only the hand of God that has given me or blessed me with something that i never could have imagined. 

in so many ways. 

he took the dirty and washed it pure as snow with His blood. 

nothing is impossible for Him. 

we all have a name. 

we all have an identity in Him. 

And He wants to fulfill the truth in it. He wants to recover it if it's lost. 

i'm going to leave you with this:

the enemy of this world knows our name and calls us by our SIN. God knows our sin but calls us by our NAME.

you are His. he wants to restore you. 

Jesus died and lives to redeem you. 

he is calling you home.

everything is in a name. it's how people identify you.

and you are worth nothing less than being identified as a daughter or son of the King. of the most high God. a child. an heir. royalty. redeemed. chosen. purposed. 

the greatest name. no other name. is calling you by your true name: will you answer?

until next time,

xoxo,

c a i t l i n

where it LEADS us.

recently, i found myself walking up a huge hill to watch the sunset. 

truly, i wasn't walking up there to watch the sunset. 

i pulled over and jumped out of my car. i just wanted some fresh air.  

i honestly just needed some alone time. anybody ever have one of those days?

as i was ascending the hill, i looked down and caught a glimpse of my brown boots, covered in dirt, moving slowly, one foot in front of the other.

my boots are dirty, i thought to myself. 

i heard myself breathing heavily. sweat dripped from my forehead in the 40 degree weather. my body is tired. 

i kept my feet going, one step after another, until finally, i didn't notice how dirty my boots are or how tired my body was, because i had reached the most incredible view.

it looked like a painting. orange and brown and red and yellow trees lining the green fields of grass. the sun modestly hiding behind the tops of the trees but shining brightly, nonetheless.

honestly, it took my breath away. 

which is hard to do these days. 

not because it's hard to see the beauty in this world. 

it's all around us. every moment. every day.

rather, because it's easier sometimes to focus on our suffering and forget the beauty. 

for months, i have battled with health problems that, at most moments during the day, have seemed to drain me of every possible ounce of energy that i have.

and while i can absolutely 100% say with confidence and THANKFULNESS that i am not dealing with cancer, an addiction, or have been given a limited amount of time to live, i have had my fair share of not so great health conditions the past few months. 

it has lead me, to a place that has felt deeper and darker than the wilderness, if that is even possible. 

nothing about suffering is beautiful. 

that is, until we remember the Jesus…my Jesus…our Jesus…who came and MADE suffering beautiful. 

when Jesus is in the middle of anything, it is made beautiful. 

agony, torment, torture; pain, distress.

wasn't this the Cross? 

the cross without Jesus is just the above words. there is no beauty. 

until we remember our Jesus in the very middle of the torment that brought us our freedom…

until we remember where the suffering He himself endured brought Him…

p a r a d i s e.

we have a choice of where our suffering leads us. we choose to let it leads us to defeat, or we choose to let it lead us to purpose.

suffering always takes us somewhere beautiful. somewhere worth it. always.

sitting and watching this beautiful sunset, i looked down at my feet. 

i'm a writer, i'm a dreamer, i'm a visual. very rarely do i glance over at things and not ponder them in their entirety. 

this is just who God created me to be. 

my feet. i begin to think about all of the places they have traveled. 

the highest mountains. the lowest valleys. 

everything in between. 

it got me thinking about the journey. 

recently, in the midst of some extremely undesirable circumstances, i was talking to a spiritual authority in my life. somebody who has seen me walk through this faith journey the past four years. 

he's seen the brokenness. the growth. the pain. the hell. the beauty. the faith. the doubt. the mountains. the valleys.

he's watched me travel the journey. 

he spoke, what i believe, were the very words from my Dad in Heaven. 

"life isn't about getting through the season you're in and moving to another season. it's about growing in EVERY season you're in."

it may not seem like heavy revelation to you, but on that very day, i needed to hear those God breathed words more than i needed oxygen itself.

i promise, there's a point to this blog. the point, is this. 

for months, maybe even years now, i have had a fighter mindset. 

i'm gonna push through this so i can finally get to the place where God wants me.

i have to overcome this battle and this season so God can use me the way He wants me. 

just yesterday, i let this all go. 

because it's not about getting through just to get to the next.

it's about what He does inside of us during EVERY single season. 

don't get me wrong. God uses every single thing that we experience and encounter for our testimony and to uses it all for good. There is PURPOSE behind it all.

(romans 8:28 . genesis 50:20)

to answer the title of this blog…

suffering can take us all kinds of places. 

but perhaps the greatest, most beautiful place of all it takes us…is deeper and deeper into a majestic love with our Savior.

in the moments where i have felt the lowest, the sickest, like i can't take one more breath…

he has met me there. and he has never faltered. 

suffering: it grows us. 

and if we'll let it…if we'll surrender…

if we'll give up the fight, the stubbornness of doing it in our own strength, the independent spirit,  it will lead us to the most beautiful place of all: 

right in the very midst of the presence of Jesus. P A R A D I S E.

the very reason that Jesus was crucified.

so we could be free to live abundant life, in the very paradise of His presence.

{ leads (verb) : to go before or show the way, to hold or     guide. }

suffering. praise God for letting pain graciously lead us to the greatest place we could ever be…

a SAFE refuge. the DEEPEST love. overflowing mercy. overwhelming grace. OUR greatest comfort. 

jesus. 

my circumstances haven't changed. but one thing has. i have never been closer to jesus than i am in this moment. and for that, i am forever grateful.

until next time,

x o x o...

c a i t l i n