i don't like limits. i don't like to be boxed in.
that's why it was hard for me to write this to a specific group of people. "sick" people.
but after the 48 hours i had, a lot of arguing with God and ultimate surrender, here i am.
i don't like putting specific titles on what i write or whom write it to... because it seems almost as if i'm saying, "i know what i'm talking about." and i don't. i don't really know.
all i have are my experiences and a burning desire to write them out...
and heart of expectation that those words written will fall deeply into the hearts of the very people who need to read them.
no. i don't really know what i'm talking about. but i know what i feel. i know what i've been through. i know what God has spoken to me and what He has called me to do. so THIS, is to YOU.
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dear you,
i know you. i don't personally know you, but we have something in common.
you battle with fighting a disease.
and so do i.
i'm not quite sure what led you here, but you're here and that's what matters.
friend, i know you're struggling. you may be at your breaking point. i won't take too much of your time.
daily, you are being stripped of your strength.
mentally, you feel defeated.
spiritually, you are challenged. maybe you're confused.
physically, you are in pain. you are weak. you are sick. you are tired. and you are tired from being sick. and tired.
me too.
for over a year now, i have battled chronic illness. i have had positive blood tests telling me that my body is infiltrated with infections. i've been told that MAYBE they will go dormant, but that they will never be gone. i have gone from being bed ridden, to fully functioning, to worn down again, to feeling okay, to feeling awful...and so the roller coaster continues.
i have ridden the roller coaster for what feels like so long now that i've become immune to feeling the way i feel.
and today, i woke up and tried to remember the last day my body felt at one hundred percent. i frantically searched my brain to try to remember and experience again, the days where i felt NO pain, where i carried NO disease and had NO diagnosis that most days, feels much like a dream killer, lingering over me...
i tried to remember the days where my brain wasn't so full of fog and i didn't get lost on familiar roads that i've driven thousands of times.
i tried to remember. but i couldn't.
maybe you identify. maybe it's cancer. maybe it was gone and now it's back. perhaps it's diabetes. maybe it's an autoimmune disease or maybe, like me, it's lyme disease and chronic infection.
whatever it is, it doesn't matter. you are living with it. that is a reality.
most days it's easy to cover up. my defense mechanism has slowly become "look good, feel good." (i know, but it's the fashionista in me.)
because if you look good on the outside, obviously nobody will suspect you feel awful on the inside. (these are called walls. and they are not good.)
yes, truthfully, being ill has become much of my identity, although i fight pretty hard to keep it out.
i didn't write to all of you to bring us together so we can all have a pity party about what we battle.
no, quite the opposite. i write to you because i want you to know that THIS {whatever IT is} DOES NOT define who you are.
if i'm being honest, i'll just say that over the past few months, the battle has led me down to some pretty dark places.
disease, it does something to you.
it sounds silly for me to say, but it's true.
it has destroyed my self confidence. it has tainted my view of myself and how my Father views me.
it has made me feel helpless. it has made me feel hopeless. it has led to utter moments of despair.
it has spoken worthlessness over me in a way like i've never experienced.
it has led me to feel ashamed of who i am and what i am going through.
it has led me to, sometimes, become really angry at God. (by the way, God is a big kid. He can handle you being angry at him.)
yesterday i sat and cried. ugly cried. really, really ugly cried. it really wasn't pretty. but it really needed to happen.
i replayed questions over and over and over and over in my head.
"will this ever go away?'
"will i ever be healthy again?"
"how will i EVER be able to complete what God has called me to feeling this way?"
"am i being overdramatic?"
"do i not have enough FAITH?"
"why me?"
questions then led to statements that came straight from the pit of HELL...
"i don't have the strength to FIGHT forever."
"nobody will EVER be able to love me."
"nobody will ever want to marry somebody who is chronically ill."
"God won't use me if i'm physically ill."
"i don't want children because i'll pass this disease onto them and then they would resent me forever."
doesn't the above make you angry just reading them?
it makes me angry just WRITING them, knowing that i was buying into the lie the devil was feeding me.
doubt, hurt, fear, confusion...it's not of God. and it's a LIE.
the worst thing i said? it wasn't a question.
"i won't say anything because nobody wants to listen to somebody complain about how awful they feel..."
so people ask how i feel and i just tell them i'm feeling okay or great because i don't want to "burden" anybody...with the truth of what's going on in my life?
right, because that makes sense. and that's why God wants. (this is sarcasm. for those of you who are new to my blog, you'll se this a lot here.)
i'm here to tell you a few things, no matter what it is you are battling.
illness is not, and never will be YOUR identity. Your identity comes from and REMAINS in JESUS and it ALWAYS will - no matter what circumstances come your way. i want you, yes, YOU, to know that.
you are NOT worthless. do you know the definition of worthless? (sorry, this is a pastor thing. i'm a nerd for definitions and origins.)
without worth; of no use, importance, or value;
i don't know a lot, but i KNOW that this is not what God speaks over you and i.
he created you. he formed you. he knew you before you were born. he called you. he has equipped you. he has purposed you.
THAT is the furthest thing from worthlessness.
HE has called you to do things only YOU can do. He called you to it and He will walk, gracefully, with you while you do it.
YOU ARE CALLED AND PURPOSED. and it doesn't depend on your physical health.
you are not defined by your physical health.
you are sustained by His payment for HEALING.
he doesn't want you to silence yourself in fear for what people will think.
the truth is: you need people. i need people. they are our greatest weapon and our deepest treasure.
we don't need more medicine, we don't need more advice, or solutions, or more people telling you or i what we're doing WRONG.
what i need on my most painful days, what i need on days where i don't think i can take one more breath, what i need on days where i just don't think i can...
is somebody who will breathe life back into me. a hug. a warm embrace with a promise that they won't walk away.
i need the safety to know that i can be transparent and vulnerable and they won't judge me, even on my worst days.
and i'm here to tell you above all, that is what you need too.
i need someone who will lead me back to the truth and promise of who He is and what His word say when i feel beaten up, and weak, and i'm so immersed in pain that i forget. someone who will battle for me on days where i don't have the strength.
you, yes, you, you need that too.
this will not last. i cannot speak to how long you will battle it, if and when and how your healing will come. no, those things i don't know.
but what i do know and what i can assure you is that YOU, yes. YOU. you are not alone.
He is always walking with you.
He will carry you. He will sustain you. He will give you the courage and the strength and the hope to wake up tomorrow and face another day.
remember, sweet friend, who you are and who you belong to.
He doesn't just give us h o p e - he is HOPE. r o m a n s 15:13
He didn't just pay for h e a l i n g - he is HEALING. i s a i a h 55
He doesn't just love us - he is the most perfect expression of L O V E. 1 j o h n 4:17
we are passing through. Heaven is our home. and if we never see healing here on this Earth, we know will we live forever | ultimately healed and whole in e t e r n i t y.
so don't give up.
in the meantime, God will u s e every ounce of pain, hurt, sickness and disease for His glory. h a l l e l u j a h.
you will have a glorified, perfect body someday. and you will live forever with the very One who was beaten for our wholeness.
don't condemn yourself for your weakness. it is in the valley that our Father in Heaven does His very best work.
"Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 c o r i n t h i a n s 10:12
fix your eyes on Heaven.
"He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone FOREVER."r e v e l a t i o n 21:4
to you. you are not alone now.
and you will be healed one day, with him f o r e v e r.
remember, sweet friend : courage is not always a loud roar. sometimes courage is saying, "i will try again tomorrow." <3
xoxo,
CAiTLiN
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