there have been several times where in my life where i felt completely abandoned.
growing up, my sisters and i were left by my mother at an early age. by third grade, my father had full custody of us.
my mother was an addict.
my father worked full time to support us.
by the age of 8, perhaps even earlier…
i had a completely unhealthy family environment.
i was in a one parent (barely) home.
this series of events led to a an environment that led me into a downward spiral that left me, eventually…
with a void so big that it felt like it could never be filled…
there...deep seeded in my broken down, torn apart heart, lingered loneliness, fear, abandonment, anger, hate, resentment...
for a long time, i didn't feel worthy of love because everybody who was supposed to love me- they l e f t.
i tired effortlessly for years and years of my life to fill this void in my heart.
drugs, alcohol, guys, cutting, control over my body by eating disorders, and eventually…
at an age that it would seem impossible to come to this conclusion...
i decided the only answer was to end my life…
lack of love…more importantly, lack of a father's love and acceptance (through no fault of his own…)
almost captured my life. and ended it, forever.
it wasn't until i encountered the love of God for the first time that i realized there is only one way to fill the void, abandonment and deep hurt that comes from being left and void of love…
by being found in Him alone.
unfortunately, being left and being heart broken is not something that goes away before or after we encounter God.
but being left by God is never an option.
read it again and let it sink in.
being left by God is never an option.
in fact, people are always going to fail us. leave us. hurt us.
people will always abuse L O V E.
but our Heavenly father never will.
at first it seems impossible to believe.
for those who have grown up w i t h o u t it, how can you trust God not to abuse love?
after all, isn't He the reason that your life turned out the way that they did?
the answer to this is one that arrived to me a couple of years ago…but the Holy Spirit revisited it just last week…
God cannot abuse L O V E…
because L O V E is not something He does…
rather, it is who HE is...
you see, God never inflicts harm, he doesn't purposely make your life painful…
when sin entered the world, pain entered. heartbreak entered. deceit entered. it was man's doing. we brought it.
HE doesn't create the storms. but he will allow for us to end up in the midst of them…
because it is there that he refines us.
it is there we find His undeniable love.
it is there we find our need for wholeness.
a desire for the void to be filled by something greater. something unfading, unfailing...
it is there He speaks, He whispers, He nudges...
it is there, in the loneliness, in the hurt from others, where we find…
Him. Cornerstone. always with us. Emmanuel.
He never intended for families to be broken.
He never intended one parent homes.
He never intended abandonment.
But once sin came, it all soon followed.
He doesn't initiate the storm…
but through them, He initiates a way back home.
"Be strong and courageous. For it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” d e u t e r o n o m y 31:6
a way back home. a Father's love.
His love…a love that never fails.
His love: a love that fills.
His love: a love that heals.
His love: a love that is with us always.
no matter what your family life looked like…
parents or no parents…
father or not…
everybody is worthy of a love that never ceases. never abandons. never lies. never judges. and is always there.
o u r Father God. a Father's love. lives inside of you. and desires nothing more than for you to experience it.
“God’s beloved;
God’s permanent residence.
Encircled by God all day long,
within whom God is at home.”
d e u t o r o n o m y 33:12
He lives in YOU…He is at home in YOU...
HE LOVES YOU. HE LOVES YOU. HE LOVES YOU.
He S P E A K S to you…can you hear Him?
it is your God who goes with you. And He will never leave. Your Father goes with you. He will never leave.
amen.
xoxo,
caitlin
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