she's a former meth addict.
but that's not how i remember her. and that's not why she changed my life.
i had been struggling to grasp the concept of WHAT exactly God sees when He looks at me.
And how He feels when He sees me.
And sometimes, if He sees me at ALL.
And other times, WHO He sees when He looks at me.
the months leading up to this were EXTREMELY difficult.
to go further, i'd dare say they were a few of the hardest months i had ever endured.
i had let people down.
i had felt invalidated by some, completely disliked by others.
others, i had disappointed.
i began to let these views, these opinions, the labels and words placed on me seep deep within my Spirit and CRiPPLE me.
"the human spirit can endure in sickness, but a c r u s h e d spirit who can bear?"
|| p r o v e r b s 18:14 ||
if that person doesn't like me, i must not be a good person.
i let that person down, so that means i let God down.
if they're disappointed in me, then surely, GOD is.
and then there's the most dangerous of ALL:
if that person said it, it MUST be true.
it's like this, plain and simple: i let other people's opinions begin to i N V A L i D A T E me.
even worse, i began to let them INVALIDATE my relationship with my Daddy.
the Lord is gracious and kind, but i like to think that even in His long-suffering towards us, He slaps us in the face to wake us up sometimes.
ok. maybe He doesn't slap you in the face.
but there are times when i can be a little ridiculous. and a little feisty. and a little sassy. (GASP.)
(if you know me at all, then you're shaking your head with a resounding, "YES." and if you don't know me, then stop judging me! HA!)
yes, it's true, there are times where i completely overreact and am in fact, my own worst enemy.
and it's in these times that i am confident the Lord sends us somebody to confirm His truth in our lives.
but the truth is, my Daddy knows me better than anybody else. and He always knows exactly what we need…ALWAYS.
as a typical writer and as a bearer of the Gospel, i am always looking up the definition of words when i write. i am fascinated by what they mean.
the definition of long- suffering is pretty self explanatory. but i found one version that i just love.
- to suffer long with, in all of our dealings.-
i started to tear up when i read this.
in ALL of our dealings.
that means, no matter how many times we grieve Him by losing ourselves in others opinions and reviews, (because let's face it, it happens every day) He isn't frustrated with us.
He is, rather, right by our side, patiently walking with us, constantly sending us confirmation of the truth of His word.
i was sitting in the office where i intern just last week.
i had met a girl around my age who had just been admitted into the Christian drug rehabilitation program from prison a few months before. i sat and chatted with her over coffee, waiting for the new girls who were being admitted to arrive.
these women- of all ages were coming from all over, draped in addiction, soaked in the lies of the world around them, entangled in the bondage from the pit of the accuser of this world, struggling to get free.
(luckily, Jesus is in the business of delivering, healing and restoring HIS children!)
"so if the Son sets you free, you will be free iNDEED!"
john 8:36
this girl, who i'll keep unnamed, began to talk about how God had shown her grace, forgiveness, and had mercy on her. she talked about receiving Jesus as her Savior and how incredibly close she had grown to Him during her time in prison.
talk about a place to be free! i bet that gut punched the devil REAL good.
the conversation led to all different places, with several interruptions…
it finally led to how she ended up in jail, and what drug she had become addicted to…
which led to something she said that led me to the greatest revelation i've ever had in my short 27 years of life.
"i met a guy and we started dealing meth. soon after i became addicted. i couldn't live without it."
i responded, "wow, meth. really?"
"yeah. wow, you sound surprised. i mean, can't you tell i've been on meth? don't i look like a meth addict?"
i paused.
"no, actually. never once, sitting here during our conversation did i ever think you looked like a meth addict."
"sometimes, when i look in the mirror, all i can see is a meth addict. i mean, i know i belong to God now but sometimes it's all I can see. i guess it's because that's all i've ever been told i was."
in this moment: two things happened.
first, i got the chance to be a voice of TRUTH to this young girl.
second, in the moment of me affirming the truth to her, and pointing her back to her true identity in Christ, the Holy Spirit graciously began to point ME back as well.
"ok, Caitlin, you do realize that every word you're speaking to her right now about her identity rings true in your life as well, right?"
i love gentle slaps from the Holy Spirit. Our relationship is too cool.
i paused for a second to consider this.
and then truly, gently, and boldly, i heard a whisper…
"none of God's children differ in the area of His grace. to go even further, NONE of HIS children differ when it comes to the truth of His WORD. His GRACE- It is SUFFICIENT for all and it COVERS all. His word and truth apply to ALL. You can't speak the truth to this girl and then refuse to believe it applies and covers you in your own life."
um, hello Jesus.
see, i was shocked that this girl could even look at herself in the mirror and see anything other than what God said, because Jesus radiated from her.
she was a walking vessel of His grace, His purpose, His glory.
and yet, because she believed people's words and opinions and began speaking them out loud, the enemy had created a lie and a stronghold in her mind and was tarnishing her own reflection.
and yet, here i was, on a completely different path in life, although i had been in similar places as her, hearing the same lies from the same accuser.
"you're not worth anything. this is all you are. what people say is true and that's all that matters."
the truth for you and i is- we have made a decision for Jesus and are walking on the path of righteousness, regardless of anybody else's thoughts or OPINIONS.
…the truth is that when we need to hear the TRUTH about our inequities, mistakes, faults or flaws…
people will speak it to us with L O V E and C O M P A S S i O N.
this doesn't mean it will always be passive, it doesn't even mean that it won't hurt to hear…
but what it DOES mean is that the FOCUS won't be on our BAD BEHAVIOR, but will ALWAYS point us back to who we are striving to be in Christ.
if words are condemning and hateful, it is NOT the TRUTH and it is only a tactic from the enemy to distract us and keep us from persevering in Christ.
this girl: she BELONGED to Jesus now. i belong to Jesus. WE belong to JESUS now.
And if we belong to Jesus…
and Jesus is the word in flesh…
and the word is TRUTH…
then we are EVERYTHING the Word says.
and nothing else.
we are EVERYTHING and ALL HE says we are.
if He is righteousness, we are righteousness.
if He is truth, we are secure in it.
if He is LiGHT, we carry it wherever we go.
if He is FREEDOM, then we live in His freedom.
if we carry His spirit, then we are everything He is.
if we are covered in His blood, then that blood covers it ALL.
if His word says He delights in us, we are delighted in.
if God calls us sons and daughters, we are.
if He says we are more precious than rubies, we are.
if he says we are longer condemned, we ARE NO LONGER CONDEMNED.
there in this room i sat, across from this girl, preaching fire down from Heaven about her worth and God's truth.
and yet, the past few months, i had shrunk in my relationship with God because i didn't feel worthy or righteous enough to approach Him or believe the words that He speaks and sings over ME.
Caitlin.
His daughter.
and before i knew it, the Holy Spirit began to answer the very questions at the beginning of this post.
you want to know what your Daddy sees when He looks at you?
JESUS. // And since we are his children, we are his heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God's glory. But if we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering. // r o m a n s 8:17
you want to know how He feels when He sees you? // delighted. it is His joy to look at His children who are devoted to Him.
// He rescued me because He delights in me // p s a l m 18:19
And sometimes, if He sees me at ALL. // When the LORD looks down from heaven, he observes every human being. // p s a l m 33:13
And other times, WHO He sees when He looks at me. // He sees us as righteous and holy. // "And to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” e p h e s i a n s 4:24
tonight, i am thankful for a loving Father who sends us just what we need at just the right time…
a reminder of a true reflection.
xoxo,
C A i T L i N
s h i n e
i've started doing 30 days of hustle by jon acuff.
basically, you set a goal and work every day to achieve it for 30 days.
mine was to write every day. he asks you basic questions like how, what when, why, how to make it fun and creative, and so on…
for me, when he asked how i was going to make it fun, i struggled.
writing is already fun.
DUH, jon.
but asking how i was going to make it more creative really challenged me.
so i prayed about it.
and i felt the Holy Spirit say, "you have some pretty great people in your life."
once a week, dedicate a post to one of them.
i didn't really understand.
i already do write about them, God.
they show up in my posts all the time.
no, dedicate an entire post to them.
where your friendship started. how it started. how God works in their life. how it inspires you. how God brought you together. what inspires you about them and their testimonies. how their faith inspires yours. write. write about how their faith has blessed you in your friendship.
brilliant, right?!
it was all the holy spirit. i had nothing to do with it.
so, here i am. writing my very post SH i N E post.
i'm excited about this journey.
i had no problem deciding who i would write about for my first post like this.
my person. my closest friend. my sister. somebody that the Lord sent to me during my first year of Highlands College. that will forever be my best friend, fighter and encourager.
fellow hustler.
kasey coldiron.
i met kasey during my first semester of highlands college.
we were together in youth track.
we spent countless hours doing promotion together for motion night. driving around. hanging posters. stacking chairs. typical future youth pastor students. (if you are one you know what i be talkin about. HOLLA to Pastor Allen for teaching us so gracefully.)
i didn't know Kasey was heaven sent to me until one day we ended up with one other student in youth track at Newk's (a fabulous hidden gem in Birmingham) for lunch after a morning of promoting for Motion Night.
we started to talk. about life. our testimonies. who we were. where we came from. before i knew it, we were sharing our dreams and visions with each other.
soon into our conversation, we realized we had come from the same place.
she had been addicted to drugs.
so had i.
she had self harmed for many years. razor was her choice.
so had i. so was mine.
her dad was an alcoholic and had left her when she was very young.
so was my mother. she left me when i was very young.
she had been hurt. betrayed. left. abandoned. suicidal. ready to end it.
and so had i.
but this wasn't what connected us.
what connected us wasn't what had happened in our past, although it was pretty amazing how similar our stories were. ( God o r d a i n e d.)
it wasn't everything that the enemy had stolen from us.
rather, it was our love and utter dependance on a redeeming Father God who had rescued us from the pit and put a calling on our life.
further into our conversation…
we learned of the fire, deep desire and complete urgency for the need to see women of all generations living in f r e e d o m:
freedom from the complete HELL that the enemy desires to keep us in every single day.
kasey is a warrior. she is a fighter. she is without a doubt one of the strongest, anointed, called young women i have ever had the ability of knowing.
and while i have learned from her in so many ways…
and admired her for all of these God given qualities and more…
there is one thing that inspires me everyday and challenges me to grow that i learn from the life that she exemplifies:
her God given confidence.
i have never. and i can honestly say never.
met anybody who has the complete confidence that kasey does.
she doesn't look to what other people think. never had i seen her question or fear what anybody had ever said about her, or if they had thought badly or negative about her.
i watched as she "did her."
quite simply.
kasey has always known where she has been, who she was, who she is now, and where she is going.
her confidence doesn't come from material things.
it doesn't come from her hairstyle, her makeup, her clothes or how many friends she has.
it comes from GOD.
quite honestly, i believe God placed her in my life for many reasons.
but to be vulnerable, i believe she is sent to be many things to me…
but particularly, a true exemplification of what it is to LET GO of what the world thinks and to live in complete God given confidence.
every single day.
we are opposites in many ways.
she's not interested in getting super dressy and wearing high heels every day.
but i am!
the only thing our wardrobe has in common is our super awesome onesies we bought from target ( r e p r e s e n t.)
and yes, it is a fox. and yes, i still wear it.
she doesn't know this, but often times i have watched her, thought about her, and looked at her…
and admitted to God that i want her kind of confidence.
she knows her identity in Christ.
and anybody else's opinion is like water off of a ducks back to her.
and not in a prideful, conceited way.
she is the definition of restoration, redeemed, secure and whole and hidden in Christ.
because of the way she has come to know and love Jesus, and the way that she ALLOWS Him to flood her with His love, she exudes confidence and faith.
and that is what makes her beautiful.
her confidence doesn't depend on fleeting, temporary, material things.
it is set upon a solid rock, the Cornerstone of her life.
j e s u s.
and because of this, it is unshakable.
it is captivating. it is something that is to be sought after by everybody who meets her.
she has taught me what true confidence in the Lord is.
it is an honor to know her. learn her. grow from her.and do life from her.
she inspires me. and one day, we will lead conferences together.
kasey, if you're reading, thank you. for being true to who you are. for trusting God and having unshakable faith. and for letting His confidence exude through you.
you are beautiful. you are my best friend. you are a treasure. thank you for being a rare example.
i. l o v e. y o u.
x o x o,
c a i t l i n
today…
today was a day. 2 years ago today…i lost my mom.
25 year battle with alcoholism.
nobody whose ever lost someone looks forward to this day.
although God encompassed me with His peace, i still had breakdowns throughout the morning today.
the truth is…i miss her.
and i think about her, often.
and i think about everything she won't be around for in my life.
i wonder if she was thinking about me when she drew her last breaths.
why i didn't tell her i loved her one more time.
did she know that i did?
yes. today was a day.
one of my mentors prayed for me around one o clock in the afternoon.
"i hope God blesses you in a major way."
i received.
many people covered myself and my family yesterday.
i don't know about them.
but i felt it.
instead of looming in what if's and being sad, i began to thank God for knowing what is best for all of us.
i realized that death isn't the final word because HEAVEN is real.
and she is there. at peace.
and while i miss her and i wish she could be here, i know she is BETTER there.
yes, my Father knows what is best and i cast it all upon Him yesterday.
because He is for me.
and he was about to show me. yet again.
how He is for me. and His plans are best.
He was about to show me.
that i can find victory in every situation.
on the worst of days, in the midst of adversity, that the ENEMY never wins.
surrounded by friends, teachers, and my sweet Jesus yesterday…
i was, for the most part, incredibly at peace.
i celebrated my mother. i remembered her beauty. all of the good memories. and how much she treasured the word of God and loved Jesus.
the enemy didn't like this. in fact he hates it. he was working to get me down, to get me out, to depress me. to STEAL my joy and take yesterday from me.
it wasn't working out so well for him.
i was supposed to start a L i F E group last night. for those of you who don't know what a L i F E group is…
it's a small group. a really serious small group. about breaking free. living in freedom every day. breaking chains, bondage, fighting spiritual warfare and living every day walking in the tree of L i F E.
BASICALLY, you dig all of the JUNK that has resonated deep down within you and you let GOD strip you of it.
f r e e d o m.
i went to dinner with a couple of friends who i treasure. they were they for me last night.
people surrounded me yesterday, they loved me, they made me laugh, and they were just THERE.
i went to look for my car keys right before i was supposed to meet to carpool to my life group.
they were gone. nowhere to be found.
FOR THE NEXT HOUR, i searched frantically for my keys everywhere at my school. outside, in my car, all around the inside.
finally, about an hour and 10 minutes later, somebody informed me where they were.
needless to say, it was a big production finding them, getting them back, and finally getting to my car.
by the time i did, i was an hour and a half late to my first L i F E group.
i am not somebody who thinks there is a devil under every rock.
but this was the enemy. stealing from me.
he obviously didn't want me to get to my life group. to develop relationships, to start this incredible process of healing.
but that's okay- because i'll be there next monday night.
so, i headed to Kohl's of all places ( i never shop there) just to roam around and look for something i had been needing.
as i shopped, i was thinking about how much the enemy targets me. he tries to delay and keep me from going places ALL OF THE TIME.
but that's okay. i'm suited for battle. i promised God i would be a warrior.
i also know that immediately after i was saved, God gave me my L i F E verse:
g e n e s i s 50:20.
"you intended to harm me, but God intended it for good, to accomplish what is now being done, for the saving of many lives."
yesterday, the Lord took a day that could have been filled with sorrow, grief and sadness, and He blessed me majorly. not only with His presence, my wonderful friends and the group of people He has placed around me…but even more…
back to Kohl's.
in the midst of the battle going on in my head…i overheard two employees in the jewelry section.
"you have to be a member at church of the highlands to be a small group member though, don't you?"
"no you don't, they have an online directory and you can just contact the leader directly."
"well i've been wanting to go back there for a long time, i just never did."
"you should go back, it's really an incredible church and the presence of God there has changed my life."
of course, in my typical "i'll talk to anybody, outgoing" fashion, i walked over and said, "i'm sorry to interrupt, but are you ladies talking about church of the highlands?"
they both said yes.
thus began an incredible conversation between the three of us. God ordained. in the jewelry section of a store that i have shopped in probably twice since i lived in Alabama.
of all places, God directed me there.
why? because He is a redeemer and fulfiller of the promise and S P E C i F i C verse He spoke over me for my life.
even funnier, Laura* began telling me a part of her testimony. she had just gotten out of an abusive relationship. she was looking for some good christian friends and was having trouble with her mother and sister who were addicted to drugs. here's the kicker:
she had signed up for a L i F E group that is starting tomorrow night and had been on the fence about going.
i smiled and said, "GO. don't let the enemy stop you. GO."
i shared my story of how i had lost my keys and been delayed to my own L i F E group.
*Anna had been to Highlands once. she said she had just never gone back and had never been on a sunday. she loved it when she went, but never had anybody to go back with. she kept asking me about small groups and told me that she lived 5 minutes away from the campus that i attend.
i smiled and said, "i live 5 minutes from that campus too. if you want, i am at every service. i will go with you."
she followed me by asking if i could send her the directory for small groups so she could check it out.
as well as sat and talked, for well over an hour…
it was almost simultaneously…
i was thinking it in my head…but laura said it first.
"it's almost like God sent you here on purpose tonight."
i smiled and said, "it's not almost like He did, He did."
we all exchanged information. we are going to get together and pursue a friendship. they are pursuing the Lord in different ways. and both told me that i blessed them in a major way.
i walked out of there on FIRE.
it's not like God almost kind of sort of sent me there.
He did. why? because He redeemed what the enemy had taken away.
those girls told me that i was a blessing to them.
heaven sent.
but they were the ones who BLESSED ME!
God fulfilled the very prayer spoken over me that afternoon.
"i pray God blesses you in a major way."
on a day that the enemy did everything He could to steal from me…
GOD PREVAILED. HE REDEEMED EVERY SITUATION.VICTORY WAS FOUND. AND HE GETS ALL OF THE GLORY.
...next time you are thinking how badly the enemy fights to attack you…
remember that a T H i E F only comes to steal from a L O A D E D vault.
G o d has major plans for you. and the enemy wants to thwart them.
suit up. get ready for battle. arm yourself with God and get ready to fight.
to the faithful, God shows Himself faithful.
the devil has NO place in my life and isn't going to steal from me anymore.
he can try.
but he won't succeed.
BECAUSE MY VICTORY WAS WON ON THE CROSS.
2 0 1 4 is the year that i'm S U i T i N G up for battle.
i'm not gonna stop until i see His glory revealed and find victory in every situation.
my whole life.
the enemy intended to harm me.
but is using it. all for good.
for the saving of many lives.
AMEN TO THAT.
join me. and let's make 2014 the year we grow closer to God than ever… so much that the devil has to BACK off because every area of our life is S A T U R A T E D in the presence, power and victory of JESUS CHRIST.
until next time.
x o x o,
C A i T L i N
so, a lot of people might not know that it snowed in Alabama just a couple of days ago.
sense my sarcasm.
everybody knows that.
however, what people may not know is how badly it affected this state.
furthermore, i'm sure they're are many people questioning God in all of this.
and just as many leaving Him completely out.
people don't really care about what you or i think about the snow.
but opinions are like armpits: everybody has them.
and most of them stink.
i'm not here to give you my opinion.
i am simply here to tell you a story of what happened in my life the past few days.
and the revelation i have had about Jesus through them.
getting stranded and stuck on 280 didn't really affect my mood that much.
actually, i laughed at the fact that i was stuck in the middle of thousands of cars with nowhere to escape.
i know. really? i laughed?
but i did. because i could have gone home.
instead, after my 8 o clock A.M. meeting with one of my pastors, i decided to do errands. and before i knew it, i was browsing around Nordstrom Rack- until i noticed i was the only person in there.
for those of you who know me, this should be no shock at all. i would be shopping in the middle of a snowstorm that shuts the entire state down. it's so "ME" of me.
fast forward to 8 hours later.
after attempting to drive on several back roads (God bless my honda civic) snow, ice and nightfall looming upon me, abandoned cars everywhere, i turned around and ended up at a shopping center not far from where i was.
i had heard several people say that all the hotels in the area were booked, to which my mind flashed back to several hours earlier, when i laughed at the thought of actually reserving a room when i was 10 miles from my house. (there's a FIRST time for everything!)
i walked over to the Hampton Inn, the hotel across the street to hang out somewhere warm. i figured i may as well be with other people- after all, we're all experiencing the same thing.
looking back on it…how true is this…
there is something cathartic about the presence of people.
so i sat down by a few ladies who were near the door. they were drinking coffee.
we all began to share our experiences. i then decided to put my name on a waiting list for a room- but wasn't too concerned if i didn't get one. i would sleep in the lobby if i had to.
the first thing jesus taught me in this situation:
I carry His presence with me everywhere i go.
i made a decision, in the midst of adversity, distress, and plenty of negativity: to be positive.
i know. it sounds so cliche. oh, you were positive in an annoying, distressful situation?
Congrats!
(insert fake applause here.)
suddenly i realized: i'm in a room full of scared, helpless, defenseless people.
i have an opportunity here! to be JESUS to them.
compassionate. kind. caring. generous. joy.
while i don't deserve ANY kind of praise for simply doing what i am to do as a follower of Christ: to M O D E L him…
it did wake me up to just how much influence we have and we carry everywhere we go as believers.
why?
because we carry HIS presence with us. and if we are willing to let it, it lights up any place.
how simple it is to model Christ.
but too often we forget.
a smile, an offer, a laugh, a hug, a kind word of encouragement or thanks…
it goes a LONG way. these things shine so much light into darkness.
fast forward to the miracle of actually, with 30 people ahead of me on a list: getting a room at the Hampton Inn.
as everybody i had spent the afternoon with congratulated me on the luck of getting a room, a thought flowed through me…
what would jesus do in this situation?
well He would invite them. invite strangers to sleep in a hotel room with you? would jesus really do that?
well, i'm glad you asked. yes, yes he would.
here, God gave me another opportunity to model Christ.
i turned to Mary and Laura, the ladies i had spent most of my time in the lobby with, chatting over coffee and cookies- and offered them to stay in my room with me.
willingly, they both thanked me and said yes, but only if we can split the room.
as they packed their things up to go up to the room, i stayed at the desk and paid for the room.
when we got upstairs, yet again they offered to pay me for the room.
let me say again that this is in no way a way to promote my good doing. but rather to expose…
how so often, i am blind to being Jesus everywhere i go, in the simplest ways and sometimes the most distressing of times.
you see, i don't want to live a tamed, non dangerous life.
if i carry the most powerful King's presence inside of ME…i'm gonna use it.
let it shine.
and see the incredible beauty of how shocking it is to people.
in the aftermath, discussing our own stories…
more than 5 people reacted with this:
you shared a hotel room with strangers?
seriously?
that's sketchy.
my response?
a smile.
to the world…that's sketchy.
to me, it's showing Jesus to them.
i don't want normal. i don't want complacency. i don't want to simply exist in this world…
i want to shake it with the POWER and the PRESENCE OF CHRIST, MY KING.
some people may say… that's impossible.
some may say it doesn't affect anything.
people can say anything they want. and they WILL.
to King Jesus, that's normal.
but nothing stopped Him.
everywhere He went.
Love. Joy. Peace. Graciousness. Kindness.
to strangers. to people he didn't know. to the defenseless and the scared.
he never stopped.
and neither will i.
i came out of the "snowmageddon" with opened realization to the power of …
HIS PRESENCE!
i took this picture when the snow first started falling.
as i look at it now, it really brings tears to my eyes.
our feet. our bodies. our mouth. our hearts.
Jesus lives inside of us all.
And we have a choice.
To let it show everywhere we go.
Or keep it locked inside.
"So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him."
1 j o h n 4:16.
next time you doubt yourself…next time the enemy tries to keep you from sharing the love and presence of Jesus with other people lingering in the darkness…
remember the promise and truth of this verse.
A B i D E- to remain, to stay, to continue.
He never leaves us.
With us always.
Let it shine.
Let it out.
AND ROCK THE WORLD WITH CHRIST'S GLORIOUS PRESENCE.
you are the hope.
"how beautiful are the feet of those who bring the good news…"
X O X O,
C A i T L i N
