the BREAK UP.

recently, I had a break up.

it was years overdue.

it was a long time coming.

it was empowering. 

it was freeing.

but it was messy.

it was something I knew I had to do, but was SO hard for me to let go of.

I wanted to leave, but I was hesitant. 

i had made many (failed) attempts before.

 all at once, I wanted to go...but I wanted to stay.

I had become attached. I had become dependent. 

it had become abusive. manipulative. skewered the image of myself. shattered my confidence. 

and so finally, I decided to walk away, and to boldly leave it in the past and to NEVER go back.

for those of you who are wondering how I've been seeing someone without you knowing and who didn't think I was in a relationship - you're right. I'm not. 

not with anyone else. 

but I have been in a very unhealthy relationship with myself for QUITE some time. 

and just recently, I decided it was OVER.

time to break up with the old version of myself...and embrace the new.

let's back up. 

i owe this courageous step of a faith to a woman who will remain unnamed. 

just recently did God place her directly in my life- perhaps He know how much I needed to hear His words through her powerful but compassionate voice.

just a few weeks ago- I sat on a curb with her and I listened to her speak encouragement over me.

except, it wasn't the surface level seemingly sometimes superficial things people sometime speak to you to try to make you feel better about yourself...

you know, the words someone says that they may not even really believe. but they're trying. so they speak. but it comes out somewhat empty and doesn't quite make a steady landing into the depth of your heart.

no...this time, as she spoke, I heard the Spirit of God speak through her.

as she spoke -- the truth of what God says about me and the delicate, beautiful reminders of what He sees when He looks at me ARRESTED my heart.

they were simple, they were gentle, but they were powerful - and they awoke something in my heart that time.

something DIFFERENT. something URGENT. and something that sparked CHANGE in that moment.

yes- this time, I walked away with a holy anger and a fiery determination to ONCE and for ALL leave the old me in the rearview. 

I'll admit to you - I stubbornly and hesitantly  "embraced" (with my feet dragging, unsure and somewhat unconvinced) this change because it would require an abundance of intentional effort to...

begin investing and walking in the fullness and abundance of new life offered to me.

it was going to require

patience 
effort 
perseverance
fight
faith.

i chose to make a choice.

have you ever known that you have deserved more and needed to make a certain change or decision but you still find yourself battling it?

if you said no - you're lying, but it's okay. no condemnation.

old gets comfortable. old gets familiar. old repeats the same patterns and before you know it- old has sucked you in and kept you somewhere that gets increasingly hard to get out of. 

new is scary because new is unknown. 

but you deserve new. and so do i. 

why? because Jesus died to give it to you. and GOD is fighting for you to embrace the gift He so willingly sacrificed His son to get.

so I decided to make a CHOICE. I CHOSE. 

because its my life. because it's a gift. because i am worth something. 

but mostly - because if you won't fight to find your God given WORTH...you will settle for being treated unworthy, and you will simply begin to BELIEVE that you are, in fact, worth less than others, or worse, ...that you have no WORTH at all.

NOTHING could be further from the truth.

recently I had a conversation with my therapist about one of the most traumatic seasons in my life - a 2 1/2 year severely abusive relationship that left me a S H A T T E R E D, B R O K E N, S H E L L of a 26 year old woman.

this "relationship" was emotionally, verbally, mentally and physically abusive. 

when speaking about it to this person - I uttered the words, " sometimes I'm so angry at myself for LETTING somebody treat me the way he did."

I kid you not...the Holy Spirit immediately spoke back to me - 

"are you aware that you beat up on yourself like this DAILY?"

[disclaimer: the Holy Spirit is my homie. meaning, like, God created the little sassy -spitfire - can really have an attitude sometimes - needs to be delivered from road rage - Christian chick typing insanely fast on this MAC right now - ] 

( for which, by the way, I will win an award for someday.)

so SOMETIMES- (literally 99%) of the time- this is how God speaks to me. the Holy Trinity be up in Heaven MIC droppin on a chick sometimes. anybody who FEELS me can just go ahead and say AMEN.

and I'm convinced some of the spiritual giants are sitting in Heaven like, "oooooooh, GOT HER." 

I know, I know. they're probably not. (like maybe John the Baptist but that's it.) 

but I like to visually IMAGINE it like that nontheless. so just let me. 

anyway- my point is- God doesn't hold back on convicting me about something that grieves Him.

and when I SPEAK, when YOU SPEAK, or when somebody ELSE SPEAKS negatively about the very thing and the ONLY thing He chose to put His hands on when He created it...(you, me, the girl in your class, the guy that lives next door to you, ETC...)

well, um. that bothers Him. A LOT.

so let's backtrack to the Holy Spirit smackdown that happened a few weeks ago. 

I hear God basically telling me that He has issue with the way I treat myself and speak about myself.

to take it one step further: I hear Him say, "that young man didn't KNOW your worth. but YOU DO. so what's YOUR excuse?"

"you're a NEW creation in me. so, really, why? why are you living in the OLD?"

ouch. (in the really good way. like an OUCH I just got DELIVERED kind of way.)

"if you're a NEW creation - then act like it. If the OLD is gone...then let it GO." (side note - if you just sang Frozen in your head or out loud, let's be BEST FRIENDS because so did I.) 

"IF ANYONE is in CHRIST- the NEW creation has come. The OLD has GONE - the NEW is HERE!" 2 corinthians 5:17

i just kept reading it over and over and over and over and over. 

until it slammed me like a ton of bricks.

I am not REFORMED. I am not STITCHED UP. I am not TAPED or GLUED back together. 

i am RE- CREATED. ( recreate defined is to give NEW life or FRESHNESS.)

my mind doesn't have to "TURN OVER A NEW LEAF."

my MIND is new.

I am NEW. you are NEW.

I'm a NERD and like to define everything and research and learn and sometimes I NERD out over definitions. 

I mean I really nerd out. i like the reasons behind things. 

I don't know why definitions intrigue me so much. if you don't understand it you can ask Jesus one day why He made me like that. 

the top 2 definitions of NEW almost had me runnin laps. 

1. not existing before; made, introduced, or discovered recently or now for the first time. 

2. already existing, but seen, experienced, or acquired recently or now for the FIRST time.

I know. IT'S SO GOOD, Y'ALL. stick with me here.

in my in the ring wrestling match with the Holy Spirit I had this revelation:

God has ALWAYS had my "NEWNESS". He's just been waiting for me to put it on and walk in it.

He's been waiting for me to find it. to embrace it. to live it and to breathe it.

and in the very moment on an overcast day, clad in my way too tall (yeah, right...there's no such thing) heels and bright lipstick, sitting on a curb with someone...

here I finally was stumbling, like a little baby deer, into it. 

opening my eyes like a little newborn who is just learning to see the vast, abundant life in front of her.

yes. this day. i knew.

time to break up with OLD. and embrace NEW.

I have, since that day, been intentional about speaking the truth of God's word over myself. 

I have become PAINFULLY aware of the negative things I am saying without even PAYING ATTENTION!

let's be real - no wonder why so many of us struggle with self esteem and negative thoughts.

no wonder we look in the mirror and can barely stand to look up or at ourselves. 

look what we let into our minds! look at the thoughts we ENTERTAIN, MEDITATE on and then SPEAK out loud!

I've spent years of my life scrolling through social media, magazines, listening to music, watching tv and movies so desiring to BE someone else - fixating on their PERFECTION and CUTTING myself down with MY OWN WORDS.

I can tell you right now if my ex fiancee ever tried to WALK back into my life and started running his mouth to me I would shut him down in a SECOND and slam the door. 

it's time to slam the door on the old version of yourself who let the enemy run wild in your mind and beat up on you. 

it's time to walk into the NEW.

it's time to speak TRUTH over yourself. 

it's not tomorrow.

it's not a week from now.

it's not 5 years from now.

it's today.

I wrote down these affirmations (over 200 of them) inspired to do so by this unnamed woman. then, I sat one day, and recorded them, with power in each word.

I listen to them on the daily. it's the first thing I do in the morning and the last thing I do at night.

when I have free time, they're playing. when I'm in my car, they play.

when I find myself scrolling on social media - they play.

why? to remind myself of WHO I REALLY AM.

to remind myself of my WORTH.

to remind myself that I am no LESS than anyone else.

to remind myself of WHO I BELONG TO.

to remind myself that just because other people's dreams are happening doesn't mean mine are VOID.

to remind myself that God is GOOD and has incredible promises He is ACTIVELY fulfilling in my life.

to remind myself that just because somebody else is PRETTY doesn't mean I'm UGLY. (HELLO.)

they remind me. they bring me back to truth. the unswerving, unfailing, STEADY truth of God my Father and what HE SAYS and THINKS about me. 

when I am tempted to compare myself --

when I am discouraged -- 

when I am feeling some type of way (ladies- you hear me?!) --

>>>>> and just an fyi, this is going to happen to you. DAILY. but you gotta make a choice to fight. DAILY.

I remind myself that the old is gone and I broke up with all that mess and I will NOT engage it any more. 

you could say BYE FELICIA if you wanted to right now.

guess what? God created you. and He loves you.

and He -- yes, He -- creator of this vast world and the very intricate, delicate, important, remarkable Y O U...

has given His son, His word, and His permission- no, rather, His urgent COMMAND...for you to love Y O U R S E L F too.

and just in case you DON'T know who you are -- 

you are loved.

you were hand made.

you are a treasure.

you are a gift. 

you have purpose.

you are unique.

you are remarkable.

you are strong.

you are worthy.

you are smart.

you are radiant. 

and there is NO one...

like YOU. 

"Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
    you formed me in my mother’s womb.
I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking!
    Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
    I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
    you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
    how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
    all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
    before I’d even lived one day." PSALM 139:13-16 MSG

tonight, before you lay your head down, I pray you'd reflect on who you are. on how God vastly knows you and sees you. 

I pray you'd begin to speak to yourself how our loving God speaks to you. 

and tomorrow when you walk up, I pray you dress yourself in the N E W.

until next time, 

XOXO,

C A I T L I N

CHOiCES.

i'm extremely picky about my writing. not in the sense of the words and style so much, more about WHAT i write. 

i don't just write to write. i want the words that flow out of me to speak to the depths of somebody else's soul, to speak directly to their pain. 

hence, (i can't believe i just used that word - don't judge me - i know you are. or, maybe you're repeating it in a british accent - like me... either way, FOCUS! this blog is about to be so good! #humility) i really only try to write when i feel like the Spirit drops a word into my heart.

so, needless to say, God was dealing with me ( i mean - d e a l i n g ) with me the last couple of weeks and i'd like to share what he dropped into my heart.

the WORD was absolutely for me. it ALWAYS is. but i believe lessons are to be shared and that my vulnerability could potentially set someone else free. 

SO- i believe it's about to speak to somebody else in Jesus name. 

have you ever used the phrase, "when it rains it pours?"

well, if you're a SUPER Christian and SUPER spiritual, you're probably shaking your head like, "no! i've never said anything like that! life is so great, i never complain about anything..." 

i applaud you. i didn't know people like that actually existed. (sarcasm.)

 but the truth is, if we're being real, most of us have probably said it. 

if i'm just being REAL and AUTHENTIC and TRANSPARENT (which is what i strive to ALWAYS be, especially in my writing)... i've said it. I'VE SAID IT A MILLON TIMES in the last 14 days. 


the last couple of weeks, it was pouring. ( for those who are thinking - um, it has been mostly beautiful the last few weeks, it wasn't REALLY raining... i'm speaking hypothetically here. it's ok. i'm blonde - by choice, and sometimes i' not the sharpest either. i feel you.) 

last week was one of those weeks where even though i knew that i was property of an Almighty, sovereign, powerful, GOOD God who created the universe and every single detail of my life,  a God who holds my very life and everything in it in His control, i knew the devil was doing this:

he was stacking up problems and bad news and unfortunate circumstances and controversy one after the other, like Dominoes, pushing it, sitting back and watching them all fall. and laughing.

that's what the week looked like. imagine everything bad happening all at the same time. 

WAIT. we don't have to "imagine" it...because we just admitted, well, i'm guessing most of us have admitted using the phrase, "when it rains it pours."

which means, we've experienced the little scenario described above. probably more than once.

after the first 12 hours, i started to have a little pity party for myself. which by the way, i don't understand why they call them "parties." like, it's not like i'm sitting around with a hat and balloons and cake feeling bad for myself. 

ok. there was cake. let's be real. there's ALWAYS cake. 

i found myself asking, "when is it going to END?"

i felt myself in UNEASE.

i felt ANXIOUS.

i felt FEARFUL.

i felt ANGRY. 

i felt HELPLESS.

i felt TIRED.

but most of all, i felt WEAK. 

you really couldn't pay me a million dollars to try to force a smile. (which for the record- is highly unusual. i mean, i have a friend in Alabama who used to literally have to tell me, "close your mouth" - because i would just walk around with it open, smiling. and probably - most definitely, creeping some people out.) 

i was, in a few simple words, really. really. really. OVER IT.

i woke up the next morning, discouraged again, TIRED, and dreading my day...about to pull out the cake and throw another pity party. (yes, you can eat cake in the morning. if you don't, you're doing it W R O N G.) 

quite loudly, i heard the Spirit of God say to me very firmly, "HEY. you have a choice."

i didn't want to face the fact that i did - i KNEW i had a choice. 

but in that moment, i just wanted to wallow. instead, i sat in the middle of my bed curled up in a fetal position, tears streaming down my face and i whispered back - "but nothing is changing. and i am TIRED."

for those who of you who don't read my blog often, the Holy Spirit and i have this kinda dope relationship. He knows that i'm a little sassy and difficult so sometimes he likes to be a little firm with me. loving, but firm.

"oh - you're tired? i wonder why. the joy of the LORD is your strength. caitlin- lose your joy - lose your strength." (sometimes i think when the Spirit talks to me, Jesus and God are up in Heaven like - ooooh, drop the MIC and walk away.) 

i knew He was right but i was still being stubborn. story of my life. 

what i wanted to say was - but, everything is crashing around me and my circumstances are shifting and nothing is going the right way, and i'm surrounded by problems and bad news...

i was about to make a very dangerous plea back to Father God and say - "I don't have ANYTHING TO BE JOYFUL ABOUT."

yep. you read that right. yes, i was thinking that in my head. 

but i couldn't bring myself to say it out loud. because as soon as i started to, i realized how RIDICULOUS it sounded. 

i STOOD up and looked in the mirror. 

am i seriously standing here making the argument to God that i have NOTHING to be joyful about because of my PROBLEMS?

then God whispered something really reassuring in my ear: "just so you know, they aren't going away anytime soon."

i know what you're thinking. wow, God! you are super encouraging. i'm drowning in problems here and there you are, just speaking words of life to me right in the middle of it all...

EXCEPT. He was right. and i knew it. and i needed to hear it.

since when do i have a right to mope around and complain about being tired and bogged down by all of life's problems when God has clearly given me the antidote to RISE above it?

"the joy of the Lord is your strength." - nehemiah 8:10

listen. i'm not suggesting to you that we put on a fake smile and pretend we are happy and that everything is perfect.

neither is God.

God doesn't need you to pretend that everything is perfect. that's not what He is asking of you or me. 

but God also doesn't deserve to be angrily vented to, handed some earful about how awful our lives are by some grumpy, ungrateful, miserable person. (which we all can become at times.)

i'm not saying He can't handle it, and i'm certainly not saying we cannot come to Him with our concerns and our anxieties.

what i am saying, is this. He desires a pure, honest heart set before and surrendered wholey to Him. 

He desires a child with an open heart who can be REAL about our struggles and concerns...

but also, a child, who, by learning to walk in humility and take steps closer to Him, will gracefully learn, moment by moment, in the ins and outs of both good days and bad, will choose His JOY.

i have learned over time that one of Satan's greatest accomplishments in life is to take someone's joy from them.

because with no joy...

there is no peace.

with no peace...

there is no harmony.

with no harmony...

there is disunity.

with disunity...

there is bitterness.

with bitterness...

there is resentment.

with resentment...

there is ungratefulness.

with ungratefulness...

there is discontentment

and with discontentment,

there is SIN. 

if the enemy can steal your joy, He can steal everything away from you. 

he wants you to fall into a little pattern here. 

he wants you to think that joy only comes when things are going good. 

if he can get you thinking that, he can instantly strip you of it when things start to go bad.

and boy, do they go bad sometimes.

but that is a lie from the pit of hell.

happiness is fleeting. 

joy is ROOTED and established in you on the INSIDE. 

it is UNSHAKABLE.

it cannot be STOLEN.

it can be DEPENDED upon.

it can be CALLED upon.

it can LIFT you.

it can HOLD you.

it can keep you in PERFECT PEACE.

but you better believe it's a choice. and a choice you choose to make D A I L Y.

after my little come apart in my room that day, i stood up, i got dressed, i got in my car, and i went about my day and got my JOY on. 

in case you're wondering - things didn't change that day. in fact, they continued to get worse.

but as they did, i dug deep into the dirty, nasty dark crevices of my life, places where the joy was diminished and i fanned the flame. BY CHOICE.

the next day - i did the same thing.

and the next? the same thing.

do you want to know what i noticed? the more i proclaimed and chose to find joy in each of my moments, the less tired i was. 

instead, with each intentional choice to find joy, i felt STRONGER. i felt EMPOWERED. I felt EQUIPPED. i felt VICTORIOUS.

why? because i wasn't cowering down in worry and anxiety and unease about temporary things i have no control over ANYWAY. (HELLO. someone needed to hear that.)


i am learning to speak the word of God over my life - DAILY, because we need it on the good and bad days. we need it EVERY DAY. 

romans 8:28 "and we know that God works ALL things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose."

GENESIS 50:20 "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives."

PHILIPPIANS 4:4 "rejoice in the Lord always, i will say it again, rejoice!"

make a choice to edify yourself in the truth and the UNCHANGING promises of God and i promise- there, you will find joy welling up inside of you.

as any typical human who is studying to become a pastor- i geek out over definitions of things. 

while studying the definition of "joy" - i found a synonym that just made me...it made me want to run a lap around my apartment. 

TRIUMPH. (whewwwww, Lord, yes, JESUS!)

there's really something SUPERNATURAL about choosing to find joy in the worst of situations and just watching the Spirit fill you up and let you overflow...

but there is something that IGNITES ME when i know that choosing JOY every time is me TRIUMPHING over the enemy. 

every time i choose to declare God's Word and overflow with His joy - it stabs the devil a little bit. and then it stabs him again. and then a little bit more. 

TRIUMPH and VICTORY - over my PROBLEMS and over HIM. 

it's like choosing to DANCE around on the domino pieces he threw at you and then laugh about because you ain't gonna let a few raindrops ruin your parade. (can somebody say amen?!)

here's a piece of friendly advice: if you wait for everything to be perfect and problem free to choose to be joyful, you N E V E R  will be.

don't buy into this lie of perfection and the trap of discontentment the devil has set for you and i.

it's not gonna be perfect. not on this earth, anyway. get used to that and learn to live joyfully ANYWAY.

God is worthy to be praised NOW and He paid a very HIGH price (HIS SON) for you and i to live JOYFULLY and ABUNDANTLY.

you will have trouble. i mean, Jesus said it. 

"in this world you will have trouble. but take heart, i have overcome the world."

carefully meditate on what he also said next: " i have overcome the world." 

let's pause. Jesus, by the blood shed on the Cross and His holy sacrifice, has overcome the world. 

you and i live in Christ Jesus. (if you have surrendered your life to Him.)

which means, by default, that you and i have the ability to overcome the WORLD. (now, not like, superhero status, like i can destroy the world with the touch of a button- which would be cool, i'm picturing myself in a WONDER WOMAN costume...) but rather, to RISE ABOVE AND OVERCOME this WORLD and all of it's PROBLEMS.

complete JOY is found in HIS PRESENCE and His PRESENCE alone. it doesn't just GIVE you strength. it LITERALLY SUSTAINS you. 

in every season.

in the valleys, it will propel you forward.

on the mountain tops, it will celebrate victories.

in between it all, it will keep you dreaming, hoping, and believing.

look for it. it's all around you. 

you have much to be grateful for. i don't know what it is for you. but you do.

ask yourself these:

are you forgiven?

are you redeemed?

are you purposed?

are you called?

are you loved?

are you healthy?

are you surrounded by family and friends?

can you see?

can you hear?

can you smell?

can you taste?

did you wake up today? 

is your heart beating?

are you ALIVE?

laugh. dance. smile. give. be generous. help somebody else. pause. stop. look around. inhale. exhale.

joy is a GIFT from God - and it is e v e r y w h e r e. it is something to be found in every moment.

you do have a choice. 

c h o o s e j o y.

XOXO,

CAITLIN