the BREAK UP.

recently, I had a break up.

it was years overdue.

it was a long time coming.

it was empowering. 

it was freeing.

but it was messy.

it was something I knew I had to do, but was SO hard for me to let go of.

I wanted to leave, but I was hesitant. 

i had made many (failed) attempts before.

 all at once, I wanted to go...but I wanted to stay.

I had become attached. I had become dependent. 

it had become abusive. manipulative. skewered the image of myself. shattered my confidence. 

and so finally, I decided to walk away, and to boldly leave it in the past and to NEVER go back.

for those of you who are wondering how I've been seeing someone without you knowing and who didn't think I was in a relationship - you're right. I'm not. 

not with anyone else. 

but I have been in a very unhealthy relationship with myself for QUITE some time. 

and just recently, I decided it was OVER.

time to break up with the old version of myself...and embrace the new.

let's back up. 

i owe this courageous step of a faith to a woman who will remain unnamed. 

just recently did God place her directly in my life- perhaps He know how much I needed to hear His words through her powerful but compassionate voice.

just a few weeks ago- I sat on a curb with her and I listened to her speak encouragement over me.

except, it wasn't the surface level seemingly sometimes superficial things people sometime speak to you to try to make you feel better about yourself...

you know, the words someone says that they may not even really believe. but they're trying. so they speak. but it comes out somewhat empty and doesn't quite make a steady landing into the depth of your heart.

no...this time, as she spoke, I heard the Spirit of God speak through her.

as she spoke -- the truth of what God says about me and the delicate, beautiful reminders of what He sees when He looks at me ARRESTED my heart.

they were simple, they were gentle, but they were powerful - and they awoke something in my heart that time.

something DIFFERENT. something URGENT. and something that sparked CHANGE in that moment.

yes- this time, I walked away with a holy anger and a fiery determination to ONCE and for ALL leave the old me in the rearview. 

I'll admit to you - I stubbornly and hesitantly  "embraced" (with my feet dragging, unsure and somewhat unconvinced) this change because it would require an abundance of intentional effort to...

begin investing and walking in the fullness and abundance of new life offered to me.

it was going to require

patience 
effort 
perseverance
fight
faith.

i chose to make a choice.

have you ever known that you have deserved more and needed to make a certain change or decision but you still find yourself battling it?

if you said no - you're lying, but it's okay. no condemnation.

old gets comfortable. old gets familiar. old repeats the same patterns and before you know it- old has sucked you in and kept you somewhere that gets increasingly hard to get out of. 

new is scary because new is unknown. 

but you deserve new. and so do i. 

why? because Jesus died to give it to you. and GOD is fighting for you to embrace the gift He so willingly sacrificed His son to get.

so I decided to make a CHOICE. I CHOSE. 

because its my life. because it's a gift. because i am worth something. 

but mostly - because if you won't fight to find your God given WORTH...you will settle for being treated unworthy, and you will simply begin to BELIEVE that you are, in fact, worth less than others, or worse, ...that you have no WORTH at all.

NOTHING could be further from the truth.

recently I had a conversation with my therapist about one of the most traumatic seasons in my life - a 2 1/2 year severely abusive relationship that left me a S H A T T E R E D, B R O K E N, S H E L L of a 26 year old woman.

this "relationship" was emotionally, verbally, mentally and physically abusive. 

when speaking about it to this person - I uttered the words, " sometimes I'm so angry at myself for LETTING somebody treat me the way he did."

I kid you not...the Holy Spirit immediately spoke back to me - 

"are you aware that you beat up on yourself like this DAILY?"

[disclaimer: the Holy Spirit is my homie. meaning, like, God created the little sassy -spitfire - can really have an attitude sometimes - needs to be delivered from road rage - Christian chick typing insanely fast on this MAC right now - ] 

( for which, by the way, I will win an award for someday.)

so SOMETIMES- (literally 99%) of the time- this is how God speaks to me. the Holy Trinity be up in Heaven MIC droppin on a chick sometimes. anybody who FEELS me can just go ahead and say AMEN.

and I'm convinced some of the spiritual giants are sitting in Heaven like, "oooooooh, GOT HER." 

I know, I know. they're probably not. (like maybe John the Baptist but that's it.) 

but I like to visually IMAGINE it like that nontheless. so just let me. 

anyway- my point is- God doesn't hold back on convicting me about something that grieves Him.

and when I SPEAK, when YOU SPEAK, or when somebody ELSE SPEAKS negatively about the very thing and the ONLY thing He chose to put His hands on when He created it...(you, me, the girl in your class, the guy that lives next door to you, ETC...)

well, um. that bothers Him. A LOT.

so let's backtrack to the Holy Spirit smackdown that happened a few weeks ago. 

I hear God basically telling me that He has issue with the way I treat myself and speak about myself.

to take it one step further: I hear Him say, "that young man didn't KNOW your worth. but YOU DO. so what's YOUR excuse?"

"you're a NEW creation in me. so, really, why? why are you living in the OLD?"

ouch. (in the really good way. like an OUCH I just got DELIVERED kind of way.)

"if you're a NEW creation - then act like it. If the OLD is gone...then let it GO." (side note - if you just sang Frozen in your head or out loud, let's be BEST FRIENDS because so did I.) 

"IF ANYONE is in CHRIST- the NEW creation has come. The OLD has GONE - the NEW is HERE!" 2 corinthians 5:17

i just kept reading it over and over and over and over and over. 

until it slammed me like a ton of bricks.

I am not REFORMED. I am not STITCHED UP. I am not TAPED or GLUED back together. 

i am RE- CREATED. ( recreate defined is to give NEW life or FRESHNESS.)

my mind doesn't have to "TURN OVER A NEW LEAF."

my MIND is new.

I am NEW. you are NEW.

I'm a NERD and like to define everything and research and learn and sometimes I NERD out over definitions. 

I mean I really nerd out. i like the reasons behind things. 

I don't know why definitions intrigue me so much. if you don't understand it you can ask Jesus one day why He made me like that. 

the top 2 definitions of NEW almost had me runnin laps. 

1. not existing before; made, introduced, or discovered recently or now for the first time. 

2. already existing, but seen, experienced, or acquired recently or now for the FIRST time.

I know. IT'S SO GOOD, Y'ALL. stick with me here.

in my in the ring wrestling match with the Holy Spirit I had this revelation:

God has ALWAYS had my "NEWNESS". He's just been waiting for me to put it on and walk in it.

He's been waiting for me to find it. to embrace it. to live it and to breathe it.

and in the very moment on an overcast day, clad in my way too tall (yeah, right...there's no such thing) heels and bright lipstick, sitting on a curb with someone...

here I finally was stumbling, like a little baby deer, into it. 

opening my eyes like a little newborn who is just learning to see the vast, abundant life in front of her.

yes. this day. i knew.

time to break up with OLD. and embrace NEW.

I have, since that day, been intentional about speaking the truth of God's word over myself. 

I have become PAINFULLY aware of the negative things I am saying without even PAYING ATTENTION!

let's be real - no wonder why so many of us struggle with self esteem and negative thoughts.

no wonder we look in the mirror and can barely stand to look up or at ourselves. 

look what we let into our minds! look at the thoughts we ENTERTAIN, MEDITATE on and then SPEAK out loud!

I've spent years of my life scrolling through social media, magazines, listening to music, watching tv and movies so desiring to BE someone else - fixating on their PERFECTION and CUTTING myself down with MY OWN WORDS.

I can tell you right now if my ex fiancee ever tried to WALK back into my life and started running his mouth to me I would shut him down in a SECOND and slam the door. 

it's time to slam the door on the old version of yourself who let the enemy run wild in your mind and beat up on you. 

it's time to walk into the NEW.

it's time to speak TRUTH over yourself. 

it's not tomorrow.

it's not a week from now.

it's not 5 years from now.

it's today.

I wrote down these affirmations (over 200 of them) inspired to do so by this unnamed woman. then, I sat one day, and recorded them, with power in each word.

I listen to them on the daily. it's the first thing I do in the morning and the last thing I do at night.

when I have free time, they're playing. when I'm in my car, they play.

when I find myself scrolling on social media - they play.

why? to remind myself of WHO I REALLY AM.

to remind myself of my WORTH.

to remind myself that I am no LESS than anyone else.

to remind myself of WHO I BELONG TO.

to remind myself that just because other people's dreams are happening doesn't mean mine are VOID.

to remind myself that God is GOOD and has incredible promises He is ACTIVELY fulfilling in my life.

to remind myself that just because somebody else is PRETTY doesn't mean I'm UGLY. (HELLO.)

they remind me. they bring me back to truth. the unswerving, unfailing, STEADY truth of God my Father and what HE SAYS and THINKS about me. 

when I am tempted to compare myself --

when I am discouraged -- 

when I am feeling some type of way (ladies- you hear me?!) --

>>>>> and just an fyi, this is going to happen to you. DAILY. but you gotta make a choice to fight. DAILY.

I remind myself that the old is gone and I broke up with all that mess and I will NOT engage it any more. 

you could say BYE FELICIA if you wanted to right now.

guess what? God created you. and He loves you.

and He -- yes, He -- creator of this vast world and the very intricate, delicate, important, remarkable Y O U...

has given His son, His word, and His permission- no, rather, His urgent COMMAND...for you to love Y O U R S E L F too.

and just in case you DON'T know who you are -- 

you are loved.

you were hand made.

you are a treasure.

you are a gift. 

you have purpose.

you are unique.

you are remarkable.

you are strong.

you are worthy.

you are smart.

you are radiant. 

and there is NO one...

like YOU. 

"Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
    you formed me in my mother’s womb.
I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking!
    Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
    I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
    you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
    how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
    all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
    before I’d even lived one day." PSALM 139:13-16 MSG

tonight, before you lay your head down, I pray you'd reflect on who you are. on how God vastly knows you and sees you. 

I pray you'd begin to speak to yourself how our loving God speaks to you. 

and tomorrow when you walk up, I pray you dress yourself in the N E W.

until next time, 

XOXO,

C A I T L I N