CHOiCES.

i'm extremely picky about my writing. not in the sense of the words and style so much, more about WHAT i write. 

i don't just write to write. i want the words that flow out of me to speak to the depths of somebody else's soul, to speak directly to their pain. 

hence, (i can't believe i just used that word - don't judge me - i know you are. or, maybe you're repeating it in a british accent - like me... either way, FOCUS! this blog is about to be so good! #humility) i really only try to write when i feel like the Spirit drops a word into my heart.

so, needless to say, God was dealing with me ( i mean - d e a l i n g ) with me the last couple of weeks and i'd like to share what he dropped into my heart.

the WORD was absolutely for me. it ALWAYS is. but i believe lessons are to be shared and that my vulnerability could potentially set someone else free. 

SO- i believe it's about to speak to somebody else in Jesus name. 

have you ever used the phrase, "when it rains it pours?"

well, if you're a SUPER Christian and SUPER spiritual, you're probably shaking your head like, "no! i've never said anything like that! life is so great, i never complain about anything..." 

i applaud you. i didn't know people like that actually existed. (sarcasm.)

 but the truth is, if we're being real, most of us have probably said it. 

if i'm just being REAL and AUTHENTIC and TRANSPARENT (which is what i strive to ALWAYS be, especially in my writing)... i've said it. I'VE SAID IT A MILLON TIMES in the last 14 days. 


the last couple of weeks, it was pouring. ( for those who are thinking - um, it has been mostly beautiful the last few weeks, it wasn't REALLY raining... i'm speaking hypothetically here. it's ok. i'm blonde - by choice, and sometimes i' not the sharpest either. i feel you.) 

last week was one of those weeks where even though i knew that i was property of an Almighty, sovereign, powerful, GOOD God who created the universe and every single detail of my life,  a God who holds my very life and everything in it in His control, i knew the devil was doing this:

he was stacking up problems and bad news and unfortunate circumstances and controversy one after the other, like Dominoes, pushing it, sitting back and watching them all fall. and laughing.

that's what the week looked like. imagine everything bad happening all at the same time. 

WAIT. we don't have to "imagine" it...because we just admitted, well, i'm guessing most of us have admitted using the phrase, "when it rains it pours."

which means, we've experienced the little scenario described above. probably more than once.

after the first 12 hours, i started to have a little pity party for myself. which by the way, i don't understand why they call them "parties." like, it's not like i'm sitting around with a hat and balloons and cake feeling bad for myself. 

ok. there was cake. let's be real. there's ALWAYS cake. 

i found myself asking, "when is it going to END?"

i felt myself in UNEASE.

i felt ANXIOUS.

i felt FEARFUL.

i felt ANGRY. 

i felt HELPLESS.

i felt TIRED.

but most of all, i felt WEAK. 

you really couldn't pay me a million dollars to try to force a smile. (which for the record- is highly unusual. i mean, i have a friend in Alabama who used to literally have to tell me, "close your mouth" - because i would just walk around with it open, smiling. and probably - most definitely, creeping some people out.) 

i was, in a few simple words, really. really. really. OVER IT.

i woke up the next morning, discouraged again, TIRED, and dreading my day...about to pull out the cake and throw another pity party. (yes, you can eat cake in the morning. if you don't, you're doing it W R O N G.) 

quite loudly, i heard the Spirit of God say to me very firmly, "HEY. you have a choice."

i didn't want to face the fact that i did - i KNEW i had a choice. 

but in that moment, i just wanted to wallow. instead, i sat in the middle of my bed curled up in a fetal position, tears streaming down my face and i whispered back - "but nothing is changing. and i am TIRED."

for those who of you who don't read my blog often, the Holy Spirit and i have this kinda dope relationship. He knows that i'm a little sassy and difficult so sometimes he likes to be a little firm with me. loving, but firm.

"oh - you're tired? i wonder why. the joy of the LORD is your strength. caitlin- lose your joy - lose your strength." (sometimes i think when the Spirit talks to me, Jesus and God are up in Heaven like - ooooh, drop the MIC and walk away.) 

i knew He was right but i was still being stubborn. story of my life. 

what i wanted to say was - but, everything is crashing around me and my circumstances are shifting and nothing is going the right way, and i'm surrounded by problems and bad news...

i was about to make a very dangerous plea back to Father God and say - "I don't have ANYTHING TO BE JOYFUL ABOUT."

yep. you read that right. yes, i was thinking that in my head. 

but i couldn't bring myself to say it out loud. because as soon as i started to, i realized how RIDICULOUS it sounded. 

i STOOD up and looked in the mirror. 

am i seriously standing here making the argument to God that i have NOTHING to be joyful about because of my PROBLEMS?

then God whispered something really reassuring in my ear: "just so you know, they aren't going away anytime soon."

i know what you're thinking. wow, God! you are super encouraging. i'm drowning in problems here and there you are, just speaking words of life to me right in the middle of it all...

EXCEPT. He was right. and i knew it. and i needed to hear it.

since when do i have a right to mope around and complain about being tired and bogged down by all of life's problems when God has clearly given me the antidote to RISE above it?

"the joy of the Lord is your strength." - nehemiah 8:10

listen. i'm not suggesting to you that we put on a fake smile and pretend we are happy and that everything is perfect.

neither is God.

God doesn't need you to pretend that everything is perfect. that's not what He is asking of you or me. 

but God also doesn't deserve to be angrily vented to, handed some earful about how awful our lives are by some grumpy, ungrateful, miserable person. (which we all can become at times.)

i'm not saying He can't handle it, and i'm certainly not saying we cannot come to Him with our concerns and our anxieties.

what i am saying, is this. He desires a pure, honest heart set before and surrendered wholey to Him. 

He desires a child with an open heart who can be REAL about our struggles and concerns...

but also, a child, who, by learning to walk in humility and take steps closer to Him, will gracefully learn, moment by moment, in the ins and outs of both good days and bad, will choose His JOY.

i have learned over time that one of Satan's greatest accomplishments in life is to take someone's joy from them.

because with no joy...

there is no peace.

with no peace...

there is no harmony.

with no harmony...

there is disunity.

with disunity...

there is bitterness.

with bitterness...

there is resentment.

with resentment...

there is ungratefulness.

with ungratefulness...

there is discontentment

and with discontentment,

there is SIN. 

if the enemy can steal your joy, He can steal everything away from you. 

he wants you to fall into a little pattern here. 

he wants you to think that joy only comes when things are going good. 

if he can get you thinking that, he can instantly strip you of it when things start to go bad.

and boy, do they go bad sometimes.

but that is a lie from the pit of hell.

happiness is fleeting. 

joy is ROOTED and established in you on the INSIDE. 

it is UNSHAKABLE.

it cannot be STOLEN.

it can be DEPENDED upon.

it can be CALLED upon.

it can LIFT you.

it can HOLD you.

it can keep you in PERFECT PEACE.

but you better believe it's a choice. and a choice you choose to make D A I L Y.

after my little come apart in my room that day, i stood up, i got dressed, i got in my car, and i went about my day and got my JOY on. 

in case you're wondering - things didn't change that day. in fact, they continued to get worse.

but as they did, i dug deep into the dirty, nasty dark crevices of my life, places where the joy was diminished and i fanned the flame. BY CHOICE.

the next day - i did the same thing.

and the next? the same thing.

do you want to know what i noticed? the more i proclaimed and chose to find joy in each of my moments, the less tired i was. 

instead, with each intentional choice to find joy, i felt STRONGER. i felt EMPOWERED. I felt EQUIPPED. i felt VICTORIOUS.

why? because i wasn't cowering down in worry and anxiety and unease about temporary things i have no control over ANYWAY. (HELLO. someone needed to hear that.)


i am learning to speak the word of God over my life - DAILY, because we need it on the good and bad days. we need it EVERY DAY. 

romans 8:28 "and we know that God works ALL things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose."

GENESIS 50:20 "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives."

PHILIPPIANS 4:4 "rejoice in the Lord always, i will say it again, rejoice!"

make a choice to edify yourself in the truth and the UNCHANGING promises of God and i promise- there, you will find joy welling up inside of you.

as any typical human who is studying to become a pastor- i geek out over definitions of things. 

while studying the definition of "joy" - i found a synonym that just made me...it made me want to run a lap around my apartment. 

TRIUMPH. (whewwwww, Lord, yes, JESUS!)

there's really something SUPERNATURAL about choosing to find joy in the worst of situations and just watching the Spirit fill you up and let you overflow...

but there is something that IGNITES ME when i know that choosing JOY every time is me TRIUMPHING over the enemy. 

every time i choose to declare God's Word and overflow with His joy - it stabs the devil a little bit. and then it stabs him again. and then a little bit more. 

TRIUMPH and VICTORY - over my PROBLEMS and over HIM. 

it's like choosing to DANCE around on the domino pieces he threw at you and then laugh about because you ain't gonna let a few raindrops ruin your parade. (can somebody say amen?!)

here's a piece of friendly advice: if you wait for everything to be perfect and problem free to choose to be joyful, you N E V E R  will be.

don't buy into this lie of perfection and the trap of discontentment the devil has set for you and i.

it's not gonna be perfect. not on this earth, anyway. get used to that and learn to live joyfully ANYWAY.

God is worthy to be praised NOW and He paid a very HIGH price (HIS SON) for you and i to live JOYFULLY and ABUNDANTLY.

you will have trouble. i mean, Jesus said it. 

"in this world you will have trouble. but take heart, i have overcome the world."

carefully meditate on what he also said next: " i have overcome the world." 

let's pause. Jesus, by the blood shed on the Cross and His holy sacrifice, has overcome the world. 

you and i live in Christ Jesus. (if you have surrendered your life to Him.)

which means, by default, that you and i have the ability to overcome the WORLD. (now, not like, superhero status, like i can destroy the world with the touch of a button- which would be cool, i'm picturing myself in a WONDER WOMAN costume...) but rather, to RISE ABOVE AND OVERCOME this WORLD and all of it's PROBLEMS.

complete JOY is found in HIS PRESENCE and His PRESENCE alone. it doesn't just GIVE you strength. it LITERALLY SUSTAINS you. 

in every season.

in the valleys, it will propel you forward.

on the mountain tops, it will celebrate victories.

in between it all, it will keep you dreaming, hoping, and believing.

look for it. it's all around you. 

you have much to be grateful for. i don't know what it is for you. but you do.

ask yourself these:

are you forgiven?

are you redeemed?

are you purposed?

are you called?

are you loved?

are you healthy?

are you surrounded by family and friends?

can you see?

can you hear?

can you smell?

can you taste?

did you wake up today? 

is your heart beating?

are you ALIVE?

laugh. dance. smile. give. be generous. help somebody else. pause. stop. look around. inhale. exhale.

joy is a GIFT from God - and it is e v e r y w h e r e. it is something to be found in every moment.

you do have a choice. 

c h o o s e j o y.

XOXO,

CAITLIN

woven.

i went to visit a crocheting small group last week. 

but don't get it twisted. (corny pun, anbody?) i don't crochet. i never have. i went just to hang out and fellowship with these ladies.

my friend who leads the group attempted to teach me how to crochet but...it didn't go over well.

i watched her take the needle and begin to weave, explaining the process to me.

i watched as she hooked the yarn back and forth and i was instantly discouraged. 

not only did i feel like my inadequate and shaky fingers wouldn't be able to complete the weaving, (because i'm CLUMSY and very uncoordinated)... i was SURE that i was not equipped with the patience to keep weaving and go back and start again if i made a mistake.

in fact, watching everybody sitting there calmly working on their projects, i definitely knew i didn't have the patience. ( hey, don't judge me...i'm a work in progress!)

there was a lady sitting at the end of the table, and she was making a scarf but she wasn't using a needle. in fact, she was using a different kind of yarn altogether.

it intrigued me. she pulled out a scarf she had made and showed it to me. (so pretty!)

"how did you make that without a needle?", i asked her. 

another lady next to me replied, "she just weaves it together with her hands! if you don't feel like you can use the needle, maybe you can just try it with your hands."

so she handed me this beautiful coral yarn and attempted to show me how to do it with her hands. 

i hate to admit this, but even THAT was frustrating to me. i didn't get that far until she looked at me and smiled and said, "how are you doing?", even though she already knew the answer to that.

i replied, "maybe you can finish it for me?"

she took the yarn back and i watched her for a few minutes take her hands and weave and knot the yarn together. 

she never seemed to get frustrated if she made a mistake or needed to redo something. she just kept moving her hands, patiently and gracefully. 

in fact, as i sat back in my chair and examined all of the 10 other ladies scattered all over the room...this was the common theme. 

each sat seemingly relaxed and determined, both hands on their yarn and their tools, peacefully weaving intricately, back and forth. 

(just a side note that isn't the focus of this blog- but isn't it so amazing how our Father creates each of us? different interests and gifts- each person woven with different ones engraved in their hearts...that each of us can so gracefully embrace? hallelujah!) 

this woman tapped me on the shoulder just a few moments later and handed me her finished project. 

isn't it BEAUTIFUL? since i didn't think i'd need a scarf until next Winter because it was "Spring"...i hung it on my rearview mirror in my car! 

and yes, it was easily accessible for me to throw on today as i woke up in a winter wonderland! (thanks New England!)

i didn't really think anymore about the scarf or the group much after that...but as i took it off today and hung it back around my rearview mirror...i found myself taking my fingers and gently feeling the pieces of fabric woven together. 

i was driving back roads coming home from doing some errands and reflecting on the moments leading up to the days of Jesus being crucified and resurrected.

HOLY WEEK.

i found myself praying for the Holy Spirit to speak to me, to put people on my heart and directly in my life that need to hear the hope and of the goodness of the Gospel. i do this often, but find it heightened of course in days (or in this case- Holy week) where everything else is shut out and my eyes and heart are solely fixated on Jesus. and Jesus alone. 

often i pray for the Lord to speak through me as I embrace His given gift to me and ask Him to give me words to write to people whose hearts are so very desperate to receive them.

but it is not very often where i am paused in my desire to write and asked by Him to WAIT for a specific word dropped into my spirit. and then to write.

today was that very day. i have been bursting to blog for several days. 

so many words. the season i am in. so many things on my heart. so much to SAY.

but i haven't. because i could hear Him asking me to wait. He asked me to. and i obeyed.

today, as i ran my hands over the scarf, i heard His voice speak to me. instantly, He gave me the words to write.

i went back to thinking about how in awe i was of the patience and grace of these ladies who crocheted. they didn't get frustrated in the process. 

they were determined to make something beautiful, regardless of how long it took or how many mistakes they made. even when the yarn was stubborn and didn't want to hook onto the needle and go where they desired it to be, they still would take it out and START AGAIN.

they were focused on the end result. they were focused on the finished project. they saw their projects beautiful in the process. 

are you ready? because here it is. i believe someone needs to read and receive this just as i did today.

they looked at what they were working on with the very same eyes as Jesus looks at us.

they patiently and gracefully and intricately worked on their pieces just as Jesus works on the pieces of our hearts. 

have you ever felt like your life was in pieces?

i have.

have you ever been discouraged in the process?

i have.

have you ever had someone give up on you?

i have.

have you ever looked in the mirror and only seen brokenness?

i have.

have you ever had anyone get so angry and so frustrated with you that they've walked away?

i have.

have you ever been abandoned by somebody you love?

i have.

have you ever thought that maybe God just wants to give up on you because you're just TOO much work?

i have.

the truth is, haven't we all felt this way at one point or another? haven't all of these been us somewhere along the lines of our lives? 

today, as i stared at the scarf and flashed back to the woman who made it for me, i heard God gently whisper to me, "I created you. I know your heart. I know every single piece. Every single void. And I am not disappointed with you. I am not discouraged by you. And I will NEVER run out of patience for you."

HEYO. i have to be honest, that last line I heard the Spirit whisper was sort of a loud, firm one. 

it KINDA made me want to jump right out of my Honda Accord and take a lap. 

i mean, i don't know about you, but i know that people can probably (definitely) get pretty impatient with me. 

i know, i know, it's pretty hard to believe right? (everyone who knows me is shaking their head right now like, no, actually, it's not...) it's okay. i forgive you guys.

and if i'm just being honest, there are people that have simply said they just can't deal with what i'm currently experiencing and walking through at this point in my life. 

and that's ok. just like crocheting isn't for me, some PEOPLE just aren't for YOU. and praise God that He gives us enough wisdom to realize that and helps us to guard our hearts.

people will leave you, hurt you, fail you, give up on you and abandon you.

BUT JESUS NEVER WILL!

praise God EVEN MORE that HE NEVER runs out of patience and grace for us when we make mistakes.

that HE GENTLY continues to mold us even as we fight to go in the direction He desires us to. 

that He never gets angry, gives up on us, throws us down and walks away in our worst moments, in our stubbornness, in the moments when our spirit becomes weak to our flesh and we have become intertwined with sin and ugliness and selfishness and the world. 

knotted and tangled. 

no. he doesn't throw us away. we are in His hands. and He graciously and lovingly untangles and unravels and starts again. 

and over, and over, and over...He continues to do the same.

and each day we start to look a little more like the beautiful and a little less like the broken. 

no, God never gets frustrated in the PROCESS because he can see the PRODUCT.

God sees BEAUTY in the process, even when the process leaves us BRUISED.

God sees HOPE in the midst of HEARTBREAK because He is the one who created our hearts and knows exactly how to MEND what what was shattered.

God is not discouraged by you.

God is not frustrated with you.

God hasn't run out of patience for you.

the greatest news? He never will.

the only difference between the ladies and their crocheting and Jesus and us...is that the ladies will eventually finish their projects and move on to something else sooner or later.

but God isn't done with you or i yet.

you and i, we will never be completed and finished until the day Christ Jesus returns. 

through Jesus, we are sanctified. and one day, we will forever live perfectly with Him in eternity.

but until that day...

God will make pieces of us beautiful a little bit, piece by piece, day by day...

but there will always be a broken piece.

there will always be a part of you that will fight against what God wants you to do.

there will always be some threat to fight.

there will always be a void for Him to fill somewhere.

there will always be a time where we will look in the mirror and wonder if God is, or can, or will be able to untangle the knot.

you and i are human.

these thoughts will come.

but they do not have to stay.

and they will not LAST.

but one day you and i will be perfected in the righteousness of Christ Jesus and you will be dressed in that RIGHTEOUSNESS alone. (isaiah 61:10)

 God is able. (ephesians 3:20.)

 He is working. He is loving. He is patient. He is goodness. He is kindness. He is GRACE. He is. 

He is all of these things.

And He is holding me and you in His hand. 

Gently molding you and shaping me and you.

Making us beautiful. 

Making us holy.

"and YET, O Lord, you are OUR Father. We are the clay, and you are the potter. We are all formed by your hand." (isaiah 64:8)

don't be discouraged. you are a work in progress. you are pieces of the Master's heart and pieces of brokenness, wrapped intricately in His grace. being woven into something absolutely beautiful. and absolutely holy. 

[ "therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day."] 2 corinthians 4:16

[" for i am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus."] philippians 1:6

["for by that one offering he forever made perfect those who are being made holy."] hebrews 10:14

i pray at the beginning of this week as you reflect on both the sacrifice given to YOU and the VICTORY won for you, you would know that you are fought for.

that you are loved.

and that God is not finished with YOU yet.

xoxo,

CAITLIN