what's in a name?

i've been thinking a lot lately about names. 

and for you MEGA Christians, this has nothing to do with the release of Hillsong's "No other Name" album. 

ok, fine. you caught me. it does a little bit. when i feel inspired, i gotta run with it. it's the Holy Spirit. i'm a writer. deal with it. 

you know, names hold a lot of power. think about it.

a lot of people in life think long and hard about what they want to name things:

cars, pets, babies…

( i feel like that order is a bit off but…whatever. don't judge me.) 

my point is that names hold power. 

we think a lot about them.

they carry meanings, definitions, and sometimes hold special places in our heart. 

just to know a name can simply be special to us. it may remind us of somebody, a time with that person, a name of a parent or a sibling, or somebody that we met or knew along the way. they can remind us of a particular time in our life when that name, that person  was present in our life during a tough season.

names. they identify us. don't they?

i can bet if you're reading this, you also know that there's been a time where you've been called a name that has hurt you. maybe you brushed it off, maybe it has stuck with you. maybe you're battling it today. 

names are special. names have meaning. sometimes good. and sometimes bad. and lastly, names have power. 

say what you will, but names have power.

they are what designate us. what we are called. they are how we're known.

in case you're wondering, this is the moment in the blog where i'm gonna go spiritual. i know you were waiting for it. here it is.

i don't know about you, but there's one name that, tonight, i am BEYOND grateful to know. 

the smallest whisper and it brings a calming peace that nothing else can compare to.

just the mention of it and demons flee.

the shout of it and everything else B O W S.

that name would be Jesus. 

if you're reading this, i hope you know Jesus. if you don't, i would love to talk with you and pray for you! 

anyway, Jesus is pretty cool. 

HE , to put it simply, invaded my heart 3 years ago and my life has been wrecked (in the best way possible), ever since. 

he takes the broken and makes them beautiful.

he rescues us out of pits of hell and gives us a { s a f e refuge } to rest in. 

there are millions of things i could go on and on about. 

so many things i love about Him. 

perhaps my favorite thing about my Jesus is the fact that H E is a redeemer. 

the fact that i love this word may be news to you, especially since the name of my blog is a heart R E D E E M E D. ( sarcasm, again. sorry. not sorry.) 


this whole blog post was stirred by a random conversation i was having the other day. 

i found myself talking about names and what they meant.

immediately, i flashed back to the day, many years, before i accepted Jesus as my Savior, to the day i googled the meaning of my name. 

Caitlin Ann.

i have always been super proud to carry the name "ann". it is my grandmother's midde name, but the one she is called by. i am honored to carry her name. but i never knew what it meant.

i remember googling what my name meant. it was a very, very dark period in my life. 

i would, in fact, very boldly, call it my rock bottom.

drugs, parties, guys…my life revolved around these things. 

drugs + alcohol blurred everything around me.

parties became my whole life and my identity. i was deemed the "crazy party girl" and i gladly fulfilled it. 

guys used me. they consumed me. they abused me. they left me tarnished and stained, empty, but filled, broken into pieces, never to be put back together AGAIN. 

there i sat, desperately seeking to know who I was, to see if I could find my identity, my true identity in all of the darkness that had invaded what was now my life. 

i laughed, mocking the definition of my name on the screen as i read it before me.

caitlin: derived from Kathleen. Irish. "pure."

ann: derived from hebrew. "He has favored me."

what a CROCK. i remember thinking, i am the furthest thing from pure. i am the furthest person from God. and take a look at my life. i am not favored. i am nothing. 

with that, i slunk back into my pity party of a life, blurring my thoughts, feelings and emotions with parties, drugs, and guys…and moved on.

every now and then i'd say in conversation, "my name means PURE. how hilarious is that?! too bad i'm the complete opposite!" 

my friends and i would have great laughs, mocking at how far i was from what my name actually meant. it became a running joke. 

somebody else was laughing. yes. God was laughing. 

fast forward to year 3 in relationship with my Jesus. 

i sat at a table, talking to a friend about sexual impurity. we started talking about the favor of God. we started talking life, calling, and Jesus.


it is part of my calling to minister to women who have been abused in this way, and/ or have tried to gain their worth by giving themselves away.

it is part of my calling to minister to ones who have never dreamed of being "favored by God", who have never felt loved or felt any goodness or joy. 

i started smiling and laughing. why? B E C A U S E:

i was never going to be the example for "purity." 

i was never going to be the example for "favored."

i started laughing and i started laughing loud. 

because despite my complete doubt, insecurity, and insane mocking all of those years before, my Jesus HAS completely redeemed my true name.

my favorite definition of redeem is to recover. to get back. to restore to it's original purpose. 

yes. He took an impure girl and restored to her what He always intended…purity.

He took favor that had been stolen from her by the enemy and blessed her life with an abundance of it. 

i laughed. He laughed.

not only did he recover my name and make it my true identity again, but He has called me to speak out on the things He has always intended for me. 

favor. purity. 

he has blessed a girl who lived years feeling empty, worthless and a big pile of nothing with inexplainable favor.

i mean, literally, and i'm not talking something happens and we wave "favor ain't fair"….but times where it has been only the hand of God that has given me or blessed me with something that i never could have imagined. 

in so many ways. 

he took the dirty and washed it pure as snow with His blood. 

nothing is impossible for Him. 

we all have a name. 

we all have an identity in Him. 

And He wants to fulfill the truth in it. He wants to recover it if it's lost. 

i'm going to leave you with this:

the enemy of this world knows our name and calls us by our SIN. God knows our sin but calls us by our NAME.

you are His. he wants to restore you. 

Jesus died and lives to redeem you. 

he is calling you home.

everything is in a name. it's how people identify you.

and you are worth nothing less than being identified as a daughter or son of the King. of the most high God. a child. an heir. royalty. redeemed. chosen. purposed. 

the greatest name. no other name. is calling you by your true name: will you answer?

until next time,

xoxo,

c a i t l i n

where it LEADS us.

recently, i found myself walking up a huge hill to watch the sunset. 

truly, i wasn't walking up there to watch the sunset. 

i pulled over and jumped out of my car. i just wanted some fresh air.  

i honestly just needed some alone time. anybody ever have one of those days?

as i was ascending the hill, i looked down and caught a glimpse of my brown boots, covered in dirt, moving slowly, one foot in front of the other.

my boots are dirty, i thought to myself. 

i heard myself breathing heavily. sweat dripped from my forehead in the 40 degree weather. my body is tired. 

i kept my feet going, one step after another, until finally, i didn't notice how dirty my boots are or how tired my body was, because i had reached the most incredible view.

it looked like a painting. orange and brown and red and yellow trees lining the green fields of grass. the sun modestly hiding behind the tops of the trees but shining brightly, nonetheless.

honestly, it took my breath away. 

which is hard to do these days. 

not because it's hard to see the beauty in this world. 

it's all around us. every moment. every day.

rather, because it's easier sometimes to focus on our suffering and forget the beauty. 

for months, i have battled with health problems that, at most moments during the day, have seemed to drain me of every possible ounce of energy that i have.

and while i can absolutely 100% say with confidence and THANKFULNESS that i am not dealing with cancer, an addiction, or have been given a limited amount of time to live, i have had my fair share of not so great health conditions the past few months. 

it has lead me, to a place that has felt deeper and darker than the wilderness, if that is even possible. 

nothing about suffering is beautiful. 

that is, until we remember the Jesus…my Jesus…our Jesus…who came and MADE suffering beautiful. 

when Jesus is in the middle of anything, it is made beautiful. 

agony, torment, torture; pain, distress.

wasn't this the Cross? 

the cross without Jesus is just the above words. there is no beauty. 

until we remember our Jesus in the very middle of the torment that brought us our freedom…

until we remember where the suffering He himself endured brought Him…

p a r a d i s e.

we have a choice of where our suffering leads us. we choose to let it leads us to defeat, or we choose to let it lead us to purpose.

suffering always takes us somewhere beautiful. somewhere worth it. always.

sitting and watching this beautiful sunset, i looked down at my feet. 

i'm a writer, i'm a dreamer, i'm a visual. very rarely do i glance over at things and not ponder them in their entirety. 

this is just who God created me to be. 

my feet. i begin to think about all of the places they have traveled. 

the highest mountains. the lowest valleys. 

everything in between. 

it got me thinking about the journey. 

recently, in the midst of some extremely undesirable circumstances, i was talking to a spiritual authority in my life. somebody who has seen me walk through this faith journey the past four years. 

he's seen the brokenness. the growth. the pain. the hell. the beauty. the faith. the doubt. the mountains. the valleys.

he's watched me travel the journey. 

he spoke, what i believe, were the very words from my Dad in Heaven. 

"life isn't about getting through the season you're in and moving to another season. it's about growing in EVERY season you're in."

it may not seem like heavy revelation to you, but on that very day, i needed to hear those God breathed words more than i needed oxygen itself.

i promise, there's a point to this blog. the point, is this. 

for months, maybe even years now, i have had a fighter mindset. 

i'm gonna push through this so i can finally get to the place where God wants me.

i have to overcome this battle and this season so God can use me the way He wants me. 

just yesterday, i let this all go. 

because it's not about getting through just to get to the next.

it's about what He does inside of us during EVERY single season. 

don't get me wrong. God uses every single thing that we experience and encounter for our testimony and to uses it all for good. There is PURPOSE behind it all.

(romans 8:28 . genesis 50:20)

to answer the title of this blog…

suffering can take us all kinds of places. 

but perhaps the greatest, most beautiful place of all it takes us…is deeper and deeper into a majestic love with our Savior.

in the moments where i have felt the lowest, the sickest, like i can't take one more breath…

he has met me there. and he has never faltered. 

suffering: it grows us. 

and if we'll let it…if we'll surrender…

if we'll give up the fight, the stubbornness of doing it in our own strength, the independent spirit,  it will lead us to the most beautiful place of all: 

right in the very midst of the presence of Jesus. P A R A D I S E.

the very reason that Jesus was crucified.

so we could be free to live abundant life, in the very paradise of His presence.

{ leads (verb) : to go before or show the way, to hold or     guide. }

suffering. praise God for letting pain graciously lead us to the greatest place we could ever be…

a SAFE refuge. the DEEPEST love. overflowing mercy. overwhelming grace. OUR greatest comfort. 

jesus. 

my circumstances haven't changed. but one thing has. i have never been closer to jesus than i am in this moment. and for that, i am forever grateful.

until next time,

x o x o...

c a i t l i n

the great I am.

God said to Moses: "I AM WHO I AM. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: I AM has sent me to you." God also said  to Moses, "say this to the people of Israel: Yaweh, the God of your ancestors- the God of Abraham, the God of Issac, the God of Jacob-has sent me to you. This is my eternal name, my name to REMEMBER for all generations." 

exodus 3:14-15

most of us know the story. we know that a transcendent God appeared in the form of a burning bush to speak to Moses and command him to lead the Israelites out of captivity. 

okay, hold up. pause. i know that what I'm about to say is ridiculous, but i find the STRANGEST part of this exchange between God and Moses is the very last words God says to Him in this passage. 

"this is my eternal name. my name to remember for all generations." (NLT)

i think it's funny, strange, and altogether odd that, um, well, the GOD of the Universe…

the Creator of the Heavens and the Earth.

the Creator of human life. 

the One who knew us before we were formed in our mother's womb.

the one who placed every single star in the sky.

the one who gives breath and who takes it away….

(just to name a few…)

yes. that GOD…OUR GOD...

would stop and speak those words to Moses. 

remember.

"this has always been my name. and this is always how i'll be known." (MSG)

"this is my name forever. by this name i am to remembered by all people for all time." (NLV)

why would our GOD tell us to remember HIS NAME? 

i'll give you the answer. (hint: it's not rocket science.)

he breathed these very words to Moses, to the people of Israel and to you and I because…

we forget. (are you surprised? that is some heavy revelation right there.)

i'm a typical writer, so forgive me, but I looked up the definition of the word "forget." 

i found two that NAIL what we do to God…sometimes daily, weekly, monthly and yearly. 

we forget Him. 

"be unable to recall." 

"to not mention, or to leave unnoticed." 

if i'm being honest, and why wouldn't I be because this is my own personal blog, i'm writing today to pour out my heart in hopes that my words and His words would encourage you.

i'd hope to encourage you, because for the past few months, i have been on a journey walking through some of the darkest places i've ever been with what seems like…just myself.

that is not the truth. 

but it's how i've felt. 

that's how i felt...until one day not that long ago when i was sitting with a, pouring my heart out to God.

well that's what I was trying to do, anyway. but it wasn't happening. i had SO much to say i was screaming on the inside, but the pen wouldn't write. it WOULDN'T write. 

until all of the sudden it did write.

written October 16th, 2014

"when I am something, I am in it's entirety. When I am in something, I am it in it's entirety. When I say something, I mean it in it's entirety. When I look for someone, I look for them in their entirety. I am the Lord. And I do nothing half heartedly."

then the gentlest whisper came as the smallest tear ran down my face. 

Lord, I did not write this. 

"I know."

let's talk about the presence of Jesus knocking the wind out of you. 

see, for the past few months, life has been…well, it has been one punch to the gut after another.

physical ailments. 

financial struggle.

almost EVERY single one of my friends moving away. 

a diagnosis spoken over my body.

other diagnoses spoken over others in my life. 


| loneliness. depression. anxiety. struggle. fear. panic. |

up until the day the Lord spoke to me through written words, 

my life was focused on my circumstances. 

yes, He was still my God, i still loved and believed in Jesus…but a part of me felt not only like He had left me, but that He had kind of forgotten me.

but see, the truth was, not that God had forgotten me, but that i had become so entranced in my circumstances that i had forgotten Him. 

my life was clouded with all of my issues and i was spending every waking second worrying about my circumstances that i…

was unable to recall Him. 

left him unnoticed, and didn't bother to mention Him or include Him in my circumstances. 

this grieves God. 

obviously, that day i just didn't feel like i could take one more breath, where i was fed up wondering where He was in the midst of all of this, the Holy Spirit graciously revealed His answer.

the Word always answers us. it always shows God's heart towards us. 

and His heart NEVER changes. 

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever." HEBREWS 13:8

um, hello. Caitlin. i'm right here. i've been here all along. i said I would never leave you or forsake you. REMEMBER?

honestly, it sounds silly to say because, as Christians should we really have to REMEMBER to remember God in our day to day? 

i mean, a lot of people today forget God when things are going great… that's why so many people don't think they need "religion" or Jesus. my needs are being met, so why do I need to go to Church?

but quite honestly, in my opinion, i think God knew that it would be harder for us to remember Him when everything is falling apart.

all we have to do is forget. 

all we have to do is distance ourselves from our Bible for one second. to stop praying one morning. to stop talking to God because we feel like we don't have anything GOOD to say.

i mean, it is the enemy's job to steal kill & destroy, after all. 

the one thing he desires to destroy the most? 

RELATIONSHIP. 

why would he relent in trying to destroy the greatest relationship we all have…

the one between us and God? 

so in this moment of God speaking to me…

i realized one thing. 

you know what's more important and more powerful over our circumstances? 

GOD. (another shocker, i know.)

when He is involved in our lives, He is involved in it's entirety. 

that never changes. 

the great i am. 

everything in the WORLD that we need Him to be. ALL that He says He is. 

he doesn't change when our finances are going whack. 

he's still our provider. our daily bread.

he doesn't change when we feel lonely. 

he's with us always.

he doesn't change when we are feeling depressed.

he's walking WITH us through our deepest darkness, by our side, with his arms wrapped around us, not pointing his finger in condemnation. 

he doesn't change when we are unsure of the future, doubting ourself, filled with anxiety. 

he knows everything we don't know, and he promises to lead us graciously, day by day. he asks us to cast our burdens and worries on him, because He can HANDLE it. 

see, this is how we overcome sinking away in our circumstances.

we immerse ourselves in the Word of God and rely on it's TRUTH and it's POWER.

NO MATTER WHAT.

we don't SHY away from talking to our heavenly FATHER, the GREAT i AM, our ALL powerful, ALL knowing, good, gracious, loving, detail orientated, daddy in Heaven. 

we talk. we INVOLVE him. we RECALL him. we include Him. in every detail. 

he does nothing half heartedly. He is not our God some of the time, and slinks away other times.

He is IN all, ABOVE all, throughout ALL, and working in everything. 

great. extreme. intense. working for our good. 

a relationship is a two way street. He is ready. Ready to listen, ready to ACT. Ready to fight on our behalf. 

but it is our JOB to remember Him. to call on Him. to FIGHT for our relationship with Him. 

he is in all of it with us. 

he is everything.

power.

hope.

love. 

truth.

healing.

refuge.

safety.


PAUSE. remember him. 

our circumstances CHANGE. 

HE doesn't. 

His goodness doesn't. His word doesn't. His promises remain.

wherever you are today, whatever you are walking through, your LiFE is in the hands of the great i am. 

remember him.

xoxo,

caitlin

a true reflection.

she's a former meth addict.

but that's not how i remember her. and that's not why she changed my life. 



i had been struggling to grasp the concept of WHAT exactly God sees when He looks at me.

And how He feels when He sees me. 

And sometimes, if He sees me at ALL.

And other times, WHO He sees when He looks at me. 

the months leading up to this were EXTREMELY difficult. 

to go further, i'd dare say they were a few of the hardest months i had ever endured.

i had let people down.

i had felt invalidated by some, completely disliked by others. 

others, i had disappointed. 

i began to let these views, these opinions, the labels and words placed on me seep deep within my Spirit and CRiPPLE me. 

"the human spirit can endure in sickness, but a c r u s h e d spirit who can bear?"

|| p r o v e r b s 18:14 ||

if that person doesn't like me, i must not be a good person.

i let that person down, so that means i let God down.

if they're disappointed in me, then surely, GOD is. 

and then there's the most dangerous of ALL:

if that person said it, it MUST be true.


it's like this, plain and simple: i let other people's opinions begin to i N V A L i D A T E me.

even worse, i began to let them INVALIDATE my relationship with my Daddy. 

the Lord is gracious and kind, but i like to think that even in His long-suffering towards us, He slaps us in the face to wake us up sometimes. 

ok. maybe He doesn't slap you in the face. 

but there are times when i can be a little ridiculous. and a little feisty. and a little sassy. (GASP.) 

(if you know me at all, then you're shaking your head with a resounding, "YES." and if you don't know me, then stop judging me! HA!) 

yes, it's true, there are times where i completely overreact and am in fact, my own worst enemy.

and it's in these times that i am confident the Lord sends us somebody to confirm His truth in our lives. 

but the truth is, my Daddy knows me better than anybody else. and He always knows exactly what we need…ALWAYS.

as a typical writer and as a bearer of the Gospel, i am always looking up the definition of words when i write. i am fascinated by what they mean. 

the definition of long- suffering is pretty self explanatory. but i found one version that i just love. 

- to suffer long with, in all of our dealings.-

i started to tear up when i read this. 

in ALL of our dealings.

that means, no matter how many times we grieve Him by losing ourselves in others opinions and reviews, (because let's face it, it happens every day) He isn't frustrated with us. 

He is, rather, right by our side, patiently walking with us, constantly sending us confirmation of the truth of His word. 

i was sitting in the office where i intern just last week.

i had met a girl around my age who had just been admitted into the Christian drug rehabilitation program from prison a few months before. i sat and chatted with her over coffee, waiting for the new girls who were being admitted to arrive. 

these women- of all ages were coming from all over, draped in addiction, soaked in the lies of the world around them, entangled in the bondage from the pit of the accuser of this world, struggling to get free.

(luckily, Jesus is in the business of delivering, healing and restoring HIS children!)

"so if the Son sets you free, you will be free iNDEED!" 

                            john 8:36

this girl, who i'll keep unnamed, began to talk about how God had shown her grace, forgiveness, and had mercy on her. she talked about receiving Jesus as her Savior and how incredibly close she had grown to Him during her time in prison. 

talk about a place to be free! i bet that gut punched the devil REAL good. 

the conversation led to all different places, with several interruptions…

it finally led to how she ended up in jail, and what drug she had become addicted to…

which led to something she said that led me to the greatest revelation i've ever had in my short 27 years of life. 


"i met a guy and we started dealing meth. soon after i became addicted. i couldn't live without it."

i responded, "wow, meth. really?"

"yeah. wow, you sound surprised. i mean, can't you tell i've been on meth? don't i look like a meth addict?" 

i paused. 

"no, actually. never once, sitting here during our conversation did i ever think you looked like a meth addict." 

"sometimes, when i look in the mirror, all i can see is a meth addict. i mean, i know i belong to God now but sometimes it's all I can see. i guess it's because that's all i've ever been told i was."

in this moment: two things happened.

first, i got the chance to be a voice of TRUTH to this young girl. 

second, in the moment of me affirming the truth to her, and pointing her back to her true identity in Christ, the Holy Spirit graciously began to point ME back as well. 

"ok, Caitlin, you do realize that every word you're speaking to her right now about her identity rings true in your life as well, right?"

i love gentle slaps from the Holy Spirit. Our relationship is too cool.  

i paused for a second to consider this.

and then truly, gently, and boldly, i heard a whisper…

"none of God's children differ in the area of His grace. to go even further, NONE of HIS children differ when it comes to the truth of His WORD. His GRACE- It is SUFFICIENT for all and it COVERS all. His word and truth apply to ALL. You can't speak the truth to this girl and then refuse to believe it applies and covers you in your own life." 

um, hello Jesus. 

see, i was shocked that this girl could even look at herself in the mirror and see anything other than what God said, because Jesus radiated from her. 

she was a walking vessel of His grace, His purpose, His glory.

and yet, because she believed people's words and opinions and began speaking them out loud, the enemy had created a lie and a stronghold in her mind and was tarnishing her own reflection. 

and yet, here i was, on a completely different path in life, although i had been in similar places as her, hearing the same lies from the same accuser. 

"you're not worth anything. this is all you are. what people say is true and that's all that matters." 

the truth for you and i is- we have made a decision for Jesus and are walking on the path of righteousness, regardless of anybody else's thoughts or OPINIONS.

…the truth is that when we need to hear the TRUTH about our inequities, mistakes, faults or flaws…

people will speak it to us with L O V E  and C O M P A S S i O N.

this doesn't mean it will always be passive, it doesn't even mean that it won't hurt to hear…

but what it DOES mean is that the FOCUS won't be on our BAD BEHAVIOR, but will ALWAYS point us back to who we are striving to be in Christ. 

if words are condemning and hateful, it is NOT the TRUTH and it is only a tactic from the enemy to distract us and keep us from persevering in Christ. 

this girl: she BELONGED to Jesus now.  i belong to Jesus. WE belong to JESUS now.

And if we belong to Jesus…

and Jesus is the word in flesh…

and the word is TRUTH…

then we are EVERYTHING the Word says.

and nothing else. 

we are EVERYTHING and ALL HE says we are.

if He is righteousness, we are righteousness.

if He is truth, we are secure in it.

if He is LiGHT, we carry it wherever we go.

if He is FREEDOM, then we live in His freedom.

if we carry His spirit, then we are everything He is. 

if we are covered in His blood, then that blood covers it ALL. 

if His word says He delights in us, we are delighted in. 

if God calls us sons and daughters, we are. 

if He says we are more precious than rubies, we are.

if he says we are longer condemned, we ARE NO LONGER CONDEMNED.

there in this room i sat, across from this girl, preaching fire down from Heaven about her worth and God's truth. 

and yet, the past few months, i had shrunk in my relationship with God because i didn't feel worthy or righteous enough to approach Him or believe the words that He speaks and sings over ME. 

Caitlin. 

His daughter. 

and before i knew it, the Holy Spirit began to answer the very questions at the beginning of this post.

you want to know what your Daddy sees when He looks at you? 

JESUS. // And since we are his children, we are his heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God's glory. But if we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering. // r o m a n s 8:17

you want to know how He feels when He sees you? // delighted. it is His joy to look at His children who are devoted to Him. 

// He rescued me because He delights in me // p s a l m 18:19

And sometimes, if He sees me at ALL. // When the LORD looks down from heaven, he observes every human being. // p s a l m 33:13

And other times, WHO He sees when He looks at me. //  He sees us as righteous and holy.  // "And to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” e p h e s i a n s 4:24 

tonight, i am thankful for a loving Father who sends us just what we need at just the right time…

a reminder of a true reflection. 

xoxo,

C A i T L i N