bound.

hey. it's me again. 

(for some reason, as I typed that, I was singing Adele... "hello, it's me...)

I'm trying to insert as much humor now, well, to be honest...

this is gonna be a serious one. 

and for those of you who know me and read my blog, I joke a lot to try to lighten the mood.

but today I'm writing from a painful depth of my heart. 

and while that doesn't mean I've lost my joy, it does mean that i'm setting aside humor for a few moments. 

why, you ask? well, sometimes (99%) of the time, I use humor as a defense mechanism. sometimes, almost as a way of avoiding my feelings.

and that is one of my main things I'll be addressing as I write.

if I didn't lose you by that introduction, fabulous! 

today i'm writing about the personal experience of being b o u n d.

I haven't written a blog since March 7th. 

for no particular reason other than the fact that life gets busy and I just don't set the time aside...

and also that i am extremely picky and very selective about what i communicate.

i cannot just sit down and start writing. 

every time, it is something that the Holy Spirit drops into my heart and it just bleeds out of me with urgency.

so, a lot has happened since i published a post on the 7th of March.

my Pastor did a ten week series on shame that ended just a few weeks ago.

it was powerful. 

it may have been the best series of messages i have ever heard a pastor preach. (shameless plug, head over to www.excelchurchma.com to listen to them.)

it was powerful, it was truthful, it was practical...

but can i be honest? (you can't do anything about it because it's my blog...)

it was P A I N F U L. it made me painfully aware of the fact that i, in fact, had some serious layers of shame in my 30 years of life. 

the series ended and i knew I needed to address a lot of things. 

being vulnerable, at the end of that ten weeks, everything hit me. it hit me H A R D.

every traumatic event that had ever happened to me, every thing I'd done, things that had been done to me - it hit me like a ton of bricks.

very slowly, i've started to address the trauma and PTSD I've suffered through therapy. i mean very slowly. 

but that's not what this is about. 

three weeks ago, my Pastor started a new series called, "Love ON You." 

how clever is he?! we took shame off, and we were gonna put love on.

or, so I thought. 

i've learned over the years, and even recently that when you experience trauma, it can begin to attach itself to you as your identity. 

and I could agree that I've fought hard to not continue to let myself be defined as a victim of anything over the years...

but when you process trauma, you re live things. 

so recently...

I've had to relive the reality of my past.

abandoned. abused. assaulted. unwanted. used. 

and i am working through the shame of all of those things. 

and this is going to sound CRAZY. but it's my truth that I've faced. 

processing shame? not as hard or painful or terrifying as my ability to ACCEPT love.

doesn't it sound crazy when somebody would rather face their shame then ACCEPT love?

i have recently discovered that there is a much deeper root inside of me that has kept me bound.

i have been bound by the fear of l o v e.

i have filtered everything, and I mean every single thing in my life through my fear of love.

I have quite literally been bound. 

this is not a fun conclusion to come to. 

it isn't easy to look back and recognize all of the relationships and things that you've sabotaged because you can't allow yourself to be loved.

in fact it's hard. it's very, very, very hard.

lucky for me, i am free from shame and don't feel any as I sit and spill out my feelings to you as i type.

yesterday in church, an amazing man preached an incredible message called, when LOVE reveals your identity.

anybody who knows me, knows i have a habit of being quite cynical on the topic of LOVE.

I'm just so not into like, romance, and optimism and happily ever after and marriage and a perfect little family with a white picket fence.

I don't cry at rom com's. I don't gush over how adorable people are. I don't tear up or gush at jewelry commercials, (to be honest, I'm gushing more over the huge diamond rings...)

I'm not a physical touch kind of person, I don't like hugs (don't  judge me, I'm working on it.) the best present you could ever give me is to respect my bubble (JK, it's shoes, ice cream and Target gift cards...but the personal bubble thing, too.)

I just FIGHT love. I suppose I've always been like that. 

my circumstances in life have led me to the conclusion that there isn't really hope for true love.

why? because my experiences have shaped and molded that belief.

and, while we're on the topic... I'm about to confess something, so all of the super righteous holy people, skip over this part...

i very much fight God's love. (gasp, I know.)

I can tell you I fight it because as soon as I saw the message title yesterday, I was uncomfortable. 

(you can ask my friend Stephanie. she was sitting right behind me. I spent an hour twitching, shaking my head, nervously shaking my legs and feet with my fabulous shoes, and doing everything I could to keep from crying because, duh, I didn't want my fake eyelashes to come off. the tarantula look isn't a good look for ANYONE, even me.) 

^ sorry, it was getting a little heavy there, I had to give some humor. 

so I sat in my seat. I've never felt so heavy or in bondage in my life.

I suppose spending hours re living and processing pain and trauma will bring you there.

yes. I sat there, bound by just the TOPIC of love. 

I'm sure you're waiting for the point of this blog where it maybe starts to show a little light at the end of the tunnel...

THAT PART IS HERE! yay! *happy white girl dance cuz how many of y'all know a sista cannot dance*

I sat there and listened to Marco's voice. And he was preaching so good. I just wasn't really truly receiving what he was saying.

until he said ONE sentence that broke me. 

and friends, I mean it from the depths of my heart, this moment, this was a BREAKING FREE moment that has propelled me to fight hell in pursuit of what God desires for me. (and it's only been 24 hours.)

"Is what YOU see and believe about yourself aligned with God's love for you? Don't SETTLE for what life has GIVEN you. Settle for what God wants YOU to have."

that was it. tarantula mode ensue. I couldn't keep myself from crying, and I haven't really stopped since. (thank the good Lord for concealer, can I get a WITNESS?)

LIFE hasn't often given me beautiful things. greatness. joy. 

LIFE has thrown some very painful things my way. and I think it's been that way for most, in one way or another.

I've spent lots of life simply trying to survive. ALONE.

fearful and defiant of believing I would ever be loved unconditionally.

 fearful that I would always be hurt by people. 

fearful of ever being filled with hope, because all I've ever really known is disappointment. 

yes, indeed. I've been bound by fear.

but yesterday, as people lingered out of church and I sat outside with a few moments to myself, I heard the Holy Spirit say this was the first step. 

and I kept hearing "perfect love casts out all fear."

and, what I'm about to say next is, like, not super deep, so, sorry...

God's love is the only perfect love. And when I'm in it, I am SAFE. 

He knows how delicate my heart is. He knows whose hurt me. He knows I'm fearful. He knows every tear. every fear. 

and he spoke through an anointed man yesterday divinely - to FINALLY break me and start the process of living truly loved.

God is a good God. He is a safe place. A place of refuge.

and his Spirit urged me, at the end of a very emotionally draining week, after months of a season where I've wanted to throw it all away, to finally allow the only thing in this life that can FREE me - actually invade me and do just that.

for 30 years, I have been bound by fear. I have been bound by being a victim. I have been bound by the incapability to truly love and allow myself to be loved.

but as I was getting in my car - I looked up the definition of the word "bound" - hello, y'all, its me. did you really think I'd write a blog without ONE definition?

1. BOUND - inseparably connected with.

yes. for 30 years I've been inseparably connected to abuse, to being a victim, to fear, to brokenness and running away from anything trying to embrace me.

but as i got home, I kept hearing in my head, "you are mine."

I thought back to a few weeks earlier when I was woken up (VERY early, like, Jesus isn't even awake at 3:30 in the morning...or so I thought...)

and I kept hearing "bind my wandering heart to thee."

I didn't really know why I was hearing it then or exactly what it meant.

but I do now.

no longer am I bound to my past, my shame, my fear and my pain...

but I am inseparably connected to the One who created me...for the sole purpose that He could lavish His love on me.

one step at a time. but with Him, i am wholey loved, and fully safe.

so I kindly, gracefully, oh, who am I kidding, VERY SASSILY take off the harness that the enemy wanted the world to attach to me, and I (not so politely) throw it back at him because...

God's word. God's truth. and God's love have set me F R E E. 

"Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you." G a l a t i a n s 5:1 (MSG)

cheers to the next 30 (and many, many more years) of new and deeper revelations of His GREAT love and living fully free and loved by Jesus. 

"And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is."

e p h e s i a n s 3:18 (NLT)

until NEXT time,

X O X O,

C A I T L I N