F O U N D

I'm dedicating this one to Maria. Girl, you've helped me find what was lost + buried by fiercely praying and fighting for me, and most importantly, always guiding me back to the promises + truth of my Savior. you're a treasure. 

have you ever lost something? 

if you're thinking there is a pretty obvious answer to this question, well, you'd be RIGHT.

because of course we've all lost things. 

i've lost things. A LOT of things.

i've lost things when they're in my hand or RIGHT in FRONT of me. (you know you've done it too, so don't even play.)

i've lost things when they get buried under piles of laundry of laundry in my apartment. (i'm already preaching to somebody.)

i've lost things in the miraculous abyss that is my CAR. 

i've lost my MIND a few times. (HELLO.)

I've lost a mother.

I've lost a fiancé. (actually, I GAVE him up. story for a different time.)

I've lost friends. 

and there was a very, very, very long season of my life where I simply LOST my WAY.

I lost my DIRECTION in life, and so...

I lost my vision. 

I lost my passion. 

I lost SIGHT of my purpose. 

I lost my joy and it's presence in my every day life.

I lost my ability to feel love, give love, and receive it. 

I lost my ability to hope. 

I lost the ability to fully trust.

I lost my ability to have faith. 

this morning, as I was reflecting on the fact that I am about to walk into a new decade, I thought of all I've lost over the years.

(I'll leave the exact amount of years up to YOU, but we are talking a new decade, and I don't think you think I'm about to be 20, (although, God bless you if you do) and if you think it's 40, we're no longer friends and you can EXIT stage left.)

if you're thinking to yourself, "WOW, she really knows how to celebrate" by reflecting on all of my loss...stay with me. i'm going somewhere. i promise. 

as I was simply reflecting on all I've lost, I smiled. I felt overwhelming peace in my heart. and I heard the voice of the Holy Spirit confirm what I was feeling.

"yes, you get it now. you get it."

get what, you ask? 

the fact that you have to get LOST to truly be FOUND. 

yes. you do indeed have to get LOST to truly be found. 

if you've been rollin with me on this blog for any amount of time, you know I'm a DEFINITION nerd. anytime a word is dropped in my HEART, or when I'm focusing on one in particular, I like to do my research. (because I'm COOL like that.) #quirky.

YES, I just hashtagged on my blog. don't hate on ya girl. hashtags are life. ok, they're just a part of it. 

anyway, back to definitions. 

FOUND: to locate, attain, or obtain by search or effort:

2. to locate or recover (something lost or misplaced)

I'll be honest, because is there ANY other way to live?

i've been a tad dramatic about the idea of turning 30. (and once again, if you know me, you're sitting there like, really? a TAD?) 

but yesterday afternoon, I had a little one on one with myself + the big guy upstairs ( I like nicknames, if you can't tell...yes, even God has nicknames, and He's totally ok with them in my book...)

... and I walked away completely surrendered and feeling totally E M P O W E R E D in a way I've NEVER, I mean, NEVER felt before.  

i was walking outside yesterday. i noticed the snowy backdrop all around me. i pulled out my camera to snap pic and surprise, it was on selfie mode. (this should be of no surprise to anyone, really.)

I caught glimpse of myself in the camera, and for the first time, my mind didn't begin to tear my image apart. 

in fact, i thought to myself, "you look pretty." 

let me just say as a disclaimer, this does not happen often. 

or I should say, it USED to not happen often. 

I've said jokingly or sarcastically, "wow, I look good", and often, I've walked around with people flooding me with compliments, smiling in their face but on the inside, ripping myself apart and questioning how they could ever truly believe the words they'd grace me with.

SAD, right? 

who wants to live like that? 

I stood there with the camera open and found myself snapping a picture of myself.

not for a second did I think about the messy bun of hair that hadn't been washed on my head.

or the zit on the side of my face being visible.

or the stain on my jacket. 

or if I had a double chin.

I intentionally positioned my camera to the SIDE because it is the SIDE of me I have such a hard time accepting. my nose. my chin. my jawline. (ridiculous, right? but I am NOT alone in this.)

I freely snapped away, because in that moment, I saw beauty overpower flaw and I believed it deserved to be captured.

that picture is THIS picture:

I feel beautiful in that picture.

in that picture, I finally saw what my Heavenly Father sees when He looks at me.

I see strength.

I see confidence.

I see freedom.

I see no flaw.

I see radiance.

I see eyes that see the beauty in the simple and complex, eyes that sparkle BECAUSE of that.

I see lips and a mouth that look ODD when they are pursed like that, only because it's a reminder that it is so often wide open, smiling and laughing and speaking words of encouragement and telling jokes.

I see my mother.

I see the presence of God.

I see the work of His hands.

And there is no wrong in that. 

I found this quote yesterday and I fell in love with it. Except I tweaked it. And I decided that it's my new anthem. 

I looked in the mirror, I looked at my body, I lifted my eyes boldly and lovingly and gazed at my face and said to it strongly, "I want to be your friend. I want to love you." 

It took a long breath and replied, "I have been waiting my whole life for this."

yesterday, reflecting on the losses of my life, there I found myself.

I physically felt God lifting all the loss of me, stripping me of all heaviness, weight, lies and scars that have left me cold + callous.

there, in that place of surrender and desperation, he lead me to uncover what has been there ALL along.

the difference this time? 

I asked Him to.

I begged Him to. 

I fought for Him to.

I invited Him to.

I let Him. 

FOUND: to locate, attain, or obtain by search or effort:

2. to locate or recover (something lost or misplaced)

it is not a coincidence that to FIND something means to locate or search by effort. 

to recover something that was misplaced.

for too long, I let the world have parts of me that they were never intended to have.

I let my mind wander to the pits of hell, allowing it to be filled with lies and torment and false accusations and thoughts that did more damage than I will ever be able to explain.

I let others view of me define how I saw myself.

because I wasn't loved by parents the way a child should have been, and because I didn't know God's love, I saw myself as UNLOVED and simply could not love myself. 

because I couldn't love myself, I couldn't let others love me. 

because words like...

UGLY

WORTHLESS

STUPID

SLUT

BITCH

WHORE

were spoken over me, I began to believe them. because I believed them, I began to treat myself like I was them. 

I shut down. 

I put up a WALL.

I became nastily mean to protect MYSELF.

I put razors and cigarettes to my skin. 

I desired to see blood come out of my wrists because I did not believe I was worth anything more.

I put my fingers in my mouth and threw up food because I couldn't stand the thought of looking in a mirror without knowing I had deprived myself.

I starved myself because a fat girl like me didn't deserve to eat.

I gave my body away because I knew nobody would ever want to love or settle down with a girl like me.

I blew drugs to numb the loneliness and fear of rejection.

I mistreated my body and abused it. I wore it down. 

I wore it down so much, in fact, that I didn't care how others treated it. 

I let men put their hands on me and abuse me. 

yesterday, as I stared at that picture, I apologized to myself and to my Creator for the HELL and mistreatment I put myself through.

GOD NEVER intended for me to live that way.

I stared at myself.

"I want to love you. I want to be your friend."

I walked away FOUND, and not by chance.

ON PURPOSE.

I believe now that I don't have to cover my face with tons of makeup or hide behind a mask to know who I am (BEAUTIFUL, PERFECT, A MASTERPIECE) and feel CONFIDENT in that.

I believe now that my body is a temporary VESSEL, but a body, nonetheless, HAND crafted by God for me to finish out my days on this Earth. 

I believe that it GRIEVES the Spirit when I abuse it and do not treat it well, so I declare that I will steward it well EVERY SINGLE DAY of my life until I go home to Heaven. 

I know that for the MAN who God has called me to run my race with to be able to LOVE every inch, curve, and crevice of me fully, I first must love myself FULLY.

so I will fuel it. I will fuel it when it needs to be fueled, I will rest it when it needs to be rested, and I will not speak of it in a way that is not life giving.

PERIOD.

my body belongs to me, and I declare that it isn't selfish or rude to require somebody PERMISSION to touch it. 

I embrace the fact that this is MY body, which carries my SOUL and SPIRIT, newly founded and established, and it will be treated as the masterpiece that it is. 

Nobody has the right to disrespect or dishonor God's property, including MYSELF. 

yesterday, in the least selfish of ways, I found myself and declared that I am somebody worth celebrating...

EVERY

SINGLE

DAY

OF

MY

LIFE.

I laughed at myself this morning for dreading walking into a new decade. 

it's my birthday. but it's my birthday in more days than one. 

B I R T H D A Y: 1: the anniversary of something being STARTED or FOUNDED. 

2: a day of beginning. 

this? this is the beginning of the very best days of my LIFE.

this? this is the beginning...

of freedom.

of CONFIDENCE.

of restored hope.

of re found joy.

of walking in my calling.

of truly believing in my purpose for being on this Earth.

of SEEING my beauty, and feeling it, too.

of SHINING.

of RADIANCE.

of ABUNDANCE.

THIS birthday. 

THIS birthday is the day that I am firmly FOUNDED, PLANTED, FLOURISHED and THRIVING on God's WORD + all of the PROMISES He has freely GIVEN to me. 

and I can tell you, of all the presents (well, not all, because, gifts is my love language and there is nothing I love more than getting super sparkly things, or shoes, or chocolate, or a shopping spree, or let's be real, CUPCAKES...HINT HINT...) 

of all the presents I could have received to celebrate walking into a NEW decade...

the very best of them is to have truly found ME. 

I am so grateful for all loss. 

because without it, I would have never been found.

Amazing grace how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now I'm found.
Was blind but now I see.
'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved.
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed.

believe that you DESERVE to truly find yourself.

have FAITH that God knows exactly who you are, where you are, and who you need to BECOME.

after all, He H A N D C R A F T E D you. In HIM we are, and always can be and will be FOUND. 

after all, N O T H I N G is a LOSS with God. 

UNTIL next TIME. 

XOXO,

C A I T L I N