letting go.

yesterday marked s e v e n years of my mother going home to Heaven.

every year on February 3rd, the days leading up to the date and the actual date always seem to bring a strangely familiar grief. 

i usually have floods of several ranging emotions: anger, sadness, bitterness, and then the end of the day is usually sealed with a stamp of God’s promises and hope, hung on me telling myself that with each year, the sting of grief will hurt a little less.

so, as the days began to approach, i EXPECTED the same. 

i had a conversation with a friend in the beginning of the week, and i had shared with him about the “anniversary” if you will. and how every year, it’s always a hard time for me.

he responded  with something that left me a little unsettled at first. ok, a lot unsettled. ok, let me really be honest: his words pissed me off. 

i wanted to lash back at him, although his words intended NO harm. 

no, his words (even though he may not have known it) were appropriate, divine, on time, and necessary. God spoke through him directly to me.

he said, “7 is a good number. a number of completion...FINALITY.” 

i was stunned. how dare he diminish my grief. 

of course it’s FINALITY. my mother is dead.... is what i desperately wanted to say.

he then said, “maybe...this year mourning turns to celebration.” 

he then APOLOGIZED and said he hoped his words weren’t coming off as insensitive, but as encouraging and empowering.

i sat there for a bit. because i knew in that moment...

...this was the catalyst for God to free me from being so blindly trapped in my pain and grief for the past 7 years. 

and even though i desperately wanted to be freed and let it go, i could feel my flesh rising up and fighting against it. 

without even actively thinking, isaiah 43:18-19 in the Message popped into my head:

“forget about what’s happened, don’t keep going over old history. be alert, be present. i’m about to do something brand new. it’s bursting out, don’t you see it?”

don’t you see it Caitlin? 

that’s the question that plagued me as i sat on my bed in silence...(something that, let’s be honest, if you know me, you know doesn’t happen a lot.) 

i had to have a very honest dialogue with God that day. 

frustrated, scared, and overwhelmed with immense sadness, i barely uttered the words, “i can’t see it. why can’t i see it, God?” 

“because you won’t let it go.” 

a soft, still, voice. 

“because, you won’t let it go.” 

God doesn’t do anything by mistake.

so, that he spoke his divine words through a friend, to me, on a particular day, in the middle 

of a heart wrenching season, that had been consumed with me fighting for control over 

everything in my life...

well, it was divinely planned. and right on time. 

i’m gonna be real.

control is a hard thing for me.

and, if we reviewed my life, and my childhood, from a psychological and intellectual viewpoint, this isn’t really surprising.

when we grow up in uncontrollable environments, we learn how to self protect.

we learn how to grip the reigns of our situations and circumstances, to the best of our ability. we do whatever we need to do to feel in control. 

we learn to hold tight to things that keep us comfortable, safe, and sometimes even dull us and keep us numb, to a certain extent.

we choose what to hold onto. 

and what to let go of. 

while this keeps us safe, and has the potential to feel protected and empowered in dangerous situations.., the truth is... this is an impossible life to live if we are living for Jesus. 

why? because, simply  stated...

i am not Im control. 

god is. 

and, He is not just God over some. or God over a few areas.

he is God.

and He is sovereign.

over ALL. 

the truth is, I have battled with God and had my many fights with Him, eventually leading me to wave the white flag of surrender. 

those fights are less than fun. they are painful. 

and they are exhausting.

and they are the kind of fights that, after it’s over, you wondered why you even fought so long to hold on in the first place. 

for some reason, i have never been able to let go of my grief. 

hear my heart. when we let go of painful things, it doesn’t mean we’re pretending they didn’t happen. 

we’re letting go of them controlling our future. we are relinquishing them of their power to CONTROL us. 

after praying, and a few hours of really ugly crying and lots of snot (sorry not sorry) i wiped the tears from my eyes and sat up. 

i felt the Holy Spirit ask me a strange question...one that I’m not sure I’ve ever heard him ask me before...

“what are you so afraid of?” 

the answer is, i’m afraid of the unknown.

i’m afraid of what could happen. 

and truly, at the bottom of it all, I’m afraid of change. 

because it is unfamiliar, uncomfortable, and uncharted territory. 

as I’m reading this, i can feel the voice of condemnation trying to shame me.

because how can i be a Christian and love Jesus and be so compulsively controlling?

how can i say i live my life with bold faith, when i want to stay comfortably perched in my pit of pain?

how can i confess God as my healer, and then grip so tightly to the things he is trying to free me and heal me from?

if this is getting too deep and real, i make no apologies. (in case you’re waiting for one.) 

the truth is, for most of my life, pain and heartbreak have been the name of the game. 

this isn’t to make me a victim or to try to receive your pity. it’s not an excuse, in Caitlin language...

this is just facts. 

it’s truly all I’ve ever known. 

so it’s become my “normal.” 

how then, is it really a surprise, that when a shift comes, when the urging of the Holy Spirit presses me to release what I’ve held onto for so long, i feel trapped in fear and can’t let go?

the answer is it isn’t a surprise. 

but it is a setback. one that God never intends for us. 

and, if not identified and fought against, that setback can become a stronghold. 

isn’t it interesting that the definition of a stronghold is: “ a fortified place, a place of security or survival.” 

having been enclosed in the comfortable and normalcy of my grief so long, my heart pounded at the suggestion of God turning my mourning to celebration. 

i didn’t know where to begin. i didn’t know how. 

but here’s the beauty... 

God does.

all he asks is for surrender. and an open heart to trust Him.

i have watched Him gloriously and miraculously work all things together for my good, even when it looked impossible.

how then, will He not take THIS too, and do the same thing?

my heart is so encouraged by the truth of God’s word.

“even if we are faithless, He remains faithful. He can not deny Himself.” 2 timothy 2:13 

it is hard to let go and feel yourself “lose control.” 

yes, it’s hard, unless you are handing it to over to somebody who knows MUCH better than you do.

in this case, this release and surrender sets you FREE.

it relieves all pressure off of you. 

his promises and his word can be trusted. 

his plans are good, even when we can’t see them. 

his plan and his purpose is so much greater than anything i could ever imagine for my life. 

i don’t want to be in control of my own life.

i want a bold faith and an obedience that always chooses to surrender EVERYTHING to God.

even when it’s scary. even when it’s unknown. even when it’s painful. 

as i sat there that day, God spoke many precious things to my heart.

some that i really feel were just meant for me, and nobody else. 

but he gently uttered something to me that i feel i am meant to share with you: 

God can’t bless us with new unless we surrender the old to Him.

yes, He promises to give beauty for ashes, but only if we WILLINGLY give Him the ashes. 

we don’t know how, but we know He WILL. 

and isn’t that all we really need? 

i can’t control HOW God will, and WHAT He will do, but I choose to declare that I know His character, and His goodness, and I proclaim that HE WILL. 

God’s plan has ALWAYS been to propel us forward. NEVER to set us back. 

6 months after my mother passed, i was in a season of prayer and fasting at my church. 

i had a particularly hard night the night before. 

i was up all night, weeping, mourning my mother. 

all I remember was praying to God that if He got me through the season of immense grief, i would serve Him and glorify Him for the rest of my life. 

the next day, out of the thousands of prayer cards that sat scattered in my church, one card from a 7 year old, Sarah, ended up in my hands. 

it read:

“please pray for me and my dad and 3 sisters. We just lost our mom. We need hope and peace.”

as i sit here typing...my eyes flood with tears. i have reminisced that story a few times, but when I went to look it up just now, my jaw dropped, at Sarah’s age. 

7. Seven. Completion. Finality.

and here, my friends, i sit in this moment, and indeed, i celebrate. 

at God’s goodness, at his amazing divine interventions, his faithfulness, his grace that has sustained me in the very deep, and dark, and lonely moments of grief .

yes, i celebrate.

and i finally walk boldly into this new season with SHOUTS of JOY, because this story of my mother and i, that God has written, is about to shift...

yes. it’s about to do a new thing. it is about to bring hope and healing to so many. and, as i take a deep breath, and draw in the silent strength of my good, good Father, i wholly surrender. 

here is to the divine completion that only Jesus can bring.

“those who sow with tears, will reap with shouts of joy.” Psalm 126:5 

these words from my heart are dedicated to you, momma. i know you’re proud of me, and even more than that, i know your life is being honored, and that God is being glorified by your story. i love you with my whole heart and soul. 

and to you, Jason Morales. thank you for being exactly who God has called you to be, and for walking so beautifully in obedience to our God. i love you back. 

U N T I L N E X T T I M E,

C A i T L i N 

details.

i have a confession.

what i'm about to share is deeply personal to me. 

in fact, to be completely honest and vulnerable, as i always PRAY i am when i write…

i'd really rather not share. 

but after a pretty heavy argument with the dude upstairs, a lot of sassiness, a little bit of shade thrown, (from me, to Him) a few tears, a big deep breath, and an urging from the Holy Spirit, 

i digress. 

so here we go. 

God often speaks to me visually. i suppose i learn better that way. 

today, i was sitting at my vanity (yes, duh, of course i have a vanity, who do you think i am.) 

anyway, i sat there as i was brushing my hair. 

i carefully looked at every strand of my hair, counting each one of them. 

before you all start secretly and silently judging me, thinking i'm some sort of a weirdo who has a weird hair obsession and freakishly counts and collects and keeps my hair, let me back up. 

i'm losing my hair. 

not yet sure of the reason yet, so last week i went to see a specialist.

at that appointment, he asked me to keep track of how many individual hairs i lose. 

thus, you can see, it wasn't a personal choice to pay close attention to my hair, or rather, my hair loss. 

i have to be honest.

the significant loss of my hair has really thrown me.

this morning, as i sat there counting the hairs, i actually began weeping. 

it wasn't an ugly cry, it wasn't a hysterical cry.

it was a slow, soft, incredibly painful cry.

the kind of cry that starts off about one thing, and deepens in substance as it goes on. 

in honesty, in that moment of losing something quite superficial (although still significant), i was reminded of how many other things i've lost recently. 

as always, and right on time, God spoke to me in the midst of my pain. 

"not one hair drops off of your head without me knowing." 

let me just be real.

i haven't really been hearing God's voice lately. 

it's not because God hasn't been speaking. 

it's just more so that i haven't been listening. 

when i say i've been in a season of loss, it has truly felt overwhelming at times. 

in the past year:

i've lost pieces of myself that i had become so familiar with, 

i've had to grieve letting them go (although they no longer serve me purpose anymore.) 

i've lost people, people i never could have imagined living life without. 

i've lost jobs.

i've lost the ability to do things that once came so very easy to me. 

i've lost love - in family, in friendships, and even romantically. 

and then, comes, losing my hair.

you see, i'm aware that the hair may seem petty and shallow to you…depending on how you feel about your hair. 

the deeper reason here is that, to me, in some way, i thought i could at least control my physical appearance. 

the emotional pain, the immense grief, the sadness…

i can't control that. 

but my hair? 

i could control, until all of the sudden, i couldn't. 

i can't even do that. 

and then, in the midst of my tears and my deeply saddened and discouraged heart, 

god spoke, in a way so delicate, as only He could…

"but you haven't lost me." 

you see…

we may lose sight of God. 

but we never actually LOSE God. 

of course, as i sat there, i was reminded of the faithfulness of God.

and even more than His faithfulness, His sovereignty. 

i was reminded of the Scripture in Matthew 10:30-31, in the amplified version…

"but even the very hairs of your head are all numbered [for the Father is sovereign and has complete knowledge.] so do not fear, you are more valuable than many sparrows."

i am humbled that He knows every hair on my head, but i'm even more humbled and comforted at what the amplified verse says after…

the Father is sovereign and has complete knowledge.

i was thinking, in this season, of how silent i've been to God. 

and yet again, God shows up, with a gentle reminder that not even silence can break His sovereignty. 

God is still sovereign in my silence.

God is still sovereign in my disobedience. 

God is still sovereign in my heartbreak. 

God is still sovereign in my loss. 

God is still sovereign in my grief. 

God is still sovereign in EVERY season of my life. 

this isn't some profound blog. i'm aware. 

this is just a reminder, in case life has done a good job of keeping you distracted…

that God is STILL, and is always in control. 

and i'm aware that you may be reading this, perhaps rolling your eyes…

because we hear it all the time. and it's easy to say, but it's harder to actually FEEL.

there's good news. 

God is intricately and delicately acquainted with all of Y O U R ways.

YOU. 

not one thing slips by Him without His knowledge. 

you are seen by Him, even in the deepest moments of silence. 

you are known by Him, even when it seems like you've been forgotten. 

get this: His EYE is always on you.

ready for this? even when your eyes drift and lose sight of Him, He never takes His eye off you. 

you can rest assured that although we lose people and things in this life, 

we won't lose God. 

He is a good, good father. 

it's who He is. 

His faithful love endures forever. 

He created us, and He sustains us. 

it's in Him that we live and that we move and that we have our being. 

He is in our details.

ALL of our details. 

the messy.

the scary. 

the good.

the bad. 

the seemingly insignificant. 

He is in the midst of it ALL with you. 

and He never leaves. 

i pray he speaks to you faithfully as He did to me this morning. 

gentle reminders.

hope filled promises. 

His unfailing word.

this is our GOD.

you are loved. you are seen. you are known. by a God who is in COMPLETE control. 

O LORD, you have searched me and known me! 

You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. 

 You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. 

Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O LORD, you know it altogether. 

You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. 

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it. 

Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? 

If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! 

If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, 

even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me. 

If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,"

 even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you.

 For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. 

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. 

My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. 

Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me. // psalm 139 

until next time, 

X O X O,

C A I T L i N

i change my mind.

ever struggled to change YOUR mind?

let’s say...you KNOW for a fact that you shouldn’t be doing something. 

or, maybe... a thought creeps into your mind, innocently. 

and instead of fighting it, instead of replacing it with the truth...

you let it destroy your thoughts. 

perhaps, (and i know this won’t apply to anyone reading, because you’re all #perfect...)

you made a mistake. 

you did something. you SAID something. 

and you failed to take responsibility.

you can’t apologize.

you can’t even put words to it...that’s how deep the pride. 

or shame.

or guilt.

if you came to be encouraged, i can only assume you’re about to close this tab...because it’s looking bleak. 

but it’s coming. i pinky promise. like, on Target. and my bunny’s life. (shout out to Pip, the world’s most adorable little* (word used loosely) white fluffernutter baby EVER.

well, since it’s my blog...and i keep it real here, i have good news if you’ve ever been in one of those places mentioned above. 

all it requires...is a change of mind.

it sounds easy. 

hey, just change your mind.

in a Biblical perspective, a change of mind is something we Christians call “repentance.”

and simply stated, it means...when you really screw up, the only thing keeping you from moving forward, and living in a place of God’s lavish and grace filled forgiveness...

is to turn to HIM...and decide to change your mind. and change direction.

to put the cookies (yum...cookies!) on the bottom shelf... is to acknowledge your wrongdoing, and choose to walk a different way moving forward.

this blog has been heavy on my heart for quite some time now, but you see...

this last season i dragged myself through, painfully, and on purpose...

it wasn’t the sort of season where i could SHARE while I was struggling. 

and not because God wasn’t there in the midst - because i knew i was wrong.

and pride kept me from approaching Him. 

lack of humility kept me from the King.

until my sin began to leak out of me like poisonous venom, infecting not only me, but others, in a drastic way. 

i couldn’t, and i didn’t come to God first.

i chose to separate myself from Him.

but His Love is so reckless, and unfailing...

His purpose and His calling are too powerful for us to throw away.

no, not on God’s watch.

He used His people, and the power of the Holy Spirit to confront me with my failures.

and when i say it was a humbling moment...

i have never in my life experienced humility like that.

it wasn’t pretty. when i say ugly cry, i mean it.

when i say down on my knees, unable to even lift my head, i mean it.

in the living and active Word of God, we’ve seen this - through the lives of so many real and raw human beings, just like us.

a while back, i heard that a few friends of mine that were having a conversation about me.

it wasn’t necessarily a good one.

it was a “we love her so much, and we know who she truly is and that she means well, but...we’ve almost hit our limit.”

true story. 

they weren’t being mean or malicious, they were concerned. 

one of my friends was asking what to do, and one of my very best friends in the world...

she responded with what she didn’t know would be a prophecy and words that i stand on daily, a year later.

“one thing you have to know about Caitlin, is that no matter what, she is a woman after God’s own heart.”

a few months later, as i was still in the trenches of what i can only look back on as an absolute train wreck, she shared those words with me.

i remember feeling humiliated and i felt pride rise in my HEART. 

my mind immediately went to the life and story of David...

because let’s be honest... screw up of the lifetime award? David. 

the man made more mistakes, had more failure, more sin, and made some of the worst decisions...EVER.

and in that moment, i could only look back at her and chuckle and say, “oh, this is just you saying that I’m a huge screw up, but i love God more than anything!”

she didn’t really respond...and as soon as we were on the subject, we were done with it.

while David is notoriously recognized in the Holy Bible as serious misfit, failure, screw up, impulsive, sometimes to the point of reckless man...

now when we speak about Him, we say that God loved Him so much, because despite all of his mistakes, he had a repentant heart. 

at the end of the day, David had the humility to confess His wrong doings and his shortcomings to God...

and he also had the boldness and courage to ask God for a second chance.

WHY?

he had a heart after God. He KNEW God. 

david knew that he had sin. But He knew God didn’t call Him by that sin.

david knew God’s reverence, His sovereignty, His power.

he knew that He deserved punishment and judgment...

but He also knew that God is a GOD of forgiveness, of mercy, and of compassion.

In Psalm 51, such beautiful and humble words echo the deep cry of david’s heart, and our Father God’s goodness.

“have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love, according to your great compassion, blot out my transgressions. wash away all of my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin... cleanse me with hyssop, and i will be clean. wash me, and i will be whiter than snow.  let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice. hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity. create me in a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me, do not cast me from your presence, or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me....” psalm 51:1-2, 7-12

“open my lips, Lord, and my mouth will declare your praise. you do not delight in sacrifice, or i would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. my sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.” psalm 51:15-17

i am writing this out of the flow of my heart, and i feel very strongly that God is telling me to tell you...

“i cannot work in your perfection. i cannot forgive if you live a facade. my grace cannot work in your guilt. my glory cannot flow through your own goodness.”

i am in the middle of reading an incredible book written by my former Pastor, Chris Hodges, entitled, “The Daniel Dilemma.” 

a chapter i read today absolutely wrecked me. 

he was speaking on core convictions we should all carry. 

my eyes scanned down the page, as i came to number 6: H U M I L I T Y.

needless to say, i felt a nudge, and i got out my pen and highlighter and notebook...

because, even though God loves me graciously, we got a lil’ tough love thing goin on for us every now and then...

and it works. truly, sometimes, the only way He can get through to me in my (ahem) moments of stubbornness and pride (that i am being delivered from, in Jesus’ name, AYYYYMEN!), is by gut punching me a little bit. right where it hurts.

what i read is truly something i will live with forever.

“truly humble people always reflect the glory of God, reminding us that He is the source of life.” (the Daniel Dilemma, p. 33)

let’s talk about profound. read it again. read it again. chew on it. and read it again. and then one more time.

humility = refusing to grandstand and draw attention to yourself.

when we know who are and how incapable we are apart from God’s love, only then do we know how much greater He is...

more than you and i could ever be.

tears dropped from my eyes as i read the above...

i whispered to myself, “i want to live in a constant state of humility. repentance. lord, i don’t even know how, but let me manifest the presence of your glory.” 

it’s not until you’ve been in a deep place of disobedience and failure like David, like myself, maybe a place you’ve been...

that you can even begin to fathom how God’s presence can even exist in is.

because He is GOD.

and we are not. 

and we need Him.

and when we know just how much, 

that is truly humbling.

humility is imperfection.

humility is desperation.

humility is dependence.

humility is conviction.

humility, my friends, is repentance.

i am a definition nerd. always have been, always will be, will never apologize.

naturally, i looked up the definition of divine glory - “the manifestation of God’s presence, as perceived by humans, created in HIS image, of God, but can share or participate, IMPERFECTLY, in divine glory, as His image bearers.”

and so, after meditating on this...

after several weeks, and even months, of finally admitting i needed to confront my failure and expectation...

so that God could meet ME in that place...

it’s as simple as this...

his glory comes through humility.

and humility comes through repentance.

a constant state of repentance.

in other words, transparently and vulnerably...

approaching God...

acknowledging our shortfalls..

and asking for forgiveness...

david...

he asked for mercy. 

he asked for a pure heart.

he asked for a steadfast spirit.

he asked for a restored relationship with God. 

he asked for deliverance from guilt.

and he received a new slate.

because when repentance is our state, when our heart is humble...

our God is never too far out of reach. 

“God opposes the proud, but gives grace (or shows favor) to the humble.” J a m e s 4:6

and my friends, i don’t know about you.

i can only speak for myself.

we will fall. 

we will make mistakes.

we will fail. 

but who repentance lives in...

restoration is on the way.

X O X O