R E C R E A T E. MY L I F E.

this post...is way overdue. 

i attended a woman's conference at highlands at the end of september....the end of the first month of my semester at Highlands college.

it changed my perspective. it revived me. it left me FULL. of J O Y. 

and full of H O P E.

most importantly, it FiLLED me with a BURNiNG DESiRE to go. and DO.

i always think i'm going to forget whatever i learn or feel or moments that i encounter, so i cloud my MAC with sticky notes of my thoughts.

it's funny.

i'm quirky, i know. 

i was scrolling through this just a couple days ago and the Holy Spirit prompted me to dig through my stickies and i came across my thoughts from the night recreate ended. 

it's so much fun to go back and read how satisfied by Jesus and in love with the Lord i truly was.


the words i wrote were powerful. i am confident that every single word, sentence, blog, paper i write...

the Holy Spirit is writing through me. i am talentless and truly...

NOTHiNG without His presence. and His wisdom. 

anyway, i'm scrolling through what i had written and my words are so fully written filled with emotion, feeling, excitement, realness and raw openness. 

i have felt, since i started writing when i was younger, to always be open. 

when i was called by the Lord to step into ministry and fulfill my calling, He spoke very clearly to me one night, whispering into my ear: "i have called you not to shy away from who you are. i have called you to be open, to be real, to be raw. people need brokenness, people need openness to see ME." 

this was hard for me. be vulnerable? be real? be broken? how? 

i got my answer from the Holy Spirit not soon after that. 

i am called to follow Christ and live a life in His image. God urged this profound thought into my head...

How could you be vulnerable? Wasn't my SON the ultimate example of vulnerability when He was C R U C I F I E D, naked, shamed, embarrassed, on a cross for you? 

Didn't He show you REAL love by giving up His life, even though it was pure and blameless and He was my son...wasn't He the ultimate definition of REAL? He suffered. Willingly. Openly. For YOU.

DON'T you take communion and eat a wafer that signifies His BODY...

BROKEN...for you? 

ultimate conviction began to set in. 

since then, and i will openly admit, it has been challenging, a struggle, and made me want to quit at times....but i vowed that day to always bring that openness to anybody that the Lord sends my way...

only to bring glory to H i S name. 

back to recreate. 

you see, i don't think it's any mistake that i was placed at Highlands. in Highlands College. the oldest YOUNG woman there. no, i don't think it's a mistake. in fact, it's DiViNE.

pastor Chris said it like this and it GRIPPED ME. 

GOD is FAITHFUL...

to deliver.

to heal.

to restore.

to answer.

that's not what he said that caught my attention.

it's what the Holy Spirit spoke through him just after those words;

HE ALWAYS HAS. HE ALWAYS WILL. HE WILL CONTINUE.

you see, it's almost been a year since i lost my sweet momma to an addiction that is straight from hell. 

but oh, have i let the lie and attack of the enemy keep hold of me all this time. 

i have doubted Him. His presence. His promise. His faithfulness. 

what i have doubted most, though...

is His POWER.

i'm being brutally honest. and transparent. but somebody needs it. somebody who will read this. 

somebody, somewhere, is letting sorrow overcome them. fighting, daily. and feeling like they are LOSiNG.

there is good news. and ONLY good news.

as my eyes flooded with tears, and more tears, and then even more tears, and then finally...well, even MORE tears...

here came the refreshing breath of fresh AiR from my beautifully faithful FATHER in Heaven...

"DAUGHTER....I AM NOT ONE TO HEAL IN ONE AREA OF YOUR LIFE AND LEAVE YOU HANGING, STRUGGLING, LIFELESS IN ANOTHER. WHEN I GAVE MY SON TO BE CRUCIFIED, HANGING ON A CROSS FOR YOU...I DIDN'T PICK AND CHOOSE WHAT TO SET YOU FREE FROM. "

THE VOICE OF JESUS ECHOED...HIS ARMS AROUND ME...

HIS PRECIOUS DAUGHTER, CLINGING TO HIM...

"I DIED...TO SET YOU FREE FROM ALL."

there it was. OVERPOWERING me. 

JESUS. PAID. IT. ALL. 

JESUS. PAID. IT. ALL.

JESUS. PAID. IT. ALL.

it was there in the theater of Church of the Highlands that weekend...the Lord began to uncover things to me in a new light. HE SHED A NEW LIGHT. AND oh, was has He been EVER at work in me since that weekend. 

father, forgive me. for not trusting you. for ignoring you. for feeling helpless. alone. and abandoned by you. forgive me for my lack of trust. my lack of faith. my dissatisfaction from my circumstances. 

YOU ARE MORE THAN ENOUGH. 

SiNCE the day i MET JESUS, i have claimed GENESiS 50:20 over my life. 

i remember the first time i ever laid eyes on that verse. 

it was incredible. 

i FELT His voice for the first time that day. His word came ALiVE to me that day. 

There was my promise...written in His word. 

my life verse...THERE IT JUMPED OFF THE PAGE AND INTO MY HEART. 

<3 


embarrassed, almost to the point of laughing, i began talking to myself inside of my head. 

what the enemy intends for evil, God uses for good.

drugs. abuse. depression. death. lying. self harm. hate. anger. unforgiveness. brokenness. bitterness. 

i literally began to laugh. 

God had RESCUED me from the PiT OF HELL.

i mean, HELL.

He had protected me in the DARKEST places. when i not only..didn't know Him, i hated Him and rebelled against HIM. 

not only that...

i sat there thinking of all of the promises that my DADDY has made to me in His word. HE does not leave ONE out.

ROMANS 8:28.

why, then, did i doubt...THAT NOT ONLY DOES HE HAVE THE POWER...

but..HE MAKES A PROMISE TO USE IT FOR GOOD AND FOR THE SAVING OF MANY LIVES?!

you see, Pastor Chris lost 3 parents in 15 months. and he spoke on it at this conference. 

this goes back to me being divinely placed at HiGHLANDS.

i am there because GOD has planted me there. He needs me to hear His Holy Spirit through what is being taught there.

and oh, did i hear at this conference. 

you see, the moment i heard Pastor Chris talk about losing 3 parents in 15 months, it clicked.

hearing him speak those words at that conference, they saved my life. He is fulfilling his own GENESiS 50:20.

AND THERE, God showed me...why i endure the things i ENDURE.

to turn bad from good. to save many lives.

you see, he had a choice. and here at this conference, the Spirit spoke to me...

you have a choice.

what, what do you choose?

DOES THE ENEMY WIN?

OR DO YOU CLING TO THE POWER OF PROMISE OF GOD AND BELIEVE...

THAT IT HAS ALREADY BEEN WON?

it has been won. it has been won. it has been won. 


you see, the enemy hates me. he hates me!

he wants nothing more than to destroy me. 

because by destroying me, he destroys MANY LIVES. 

HE DESTROYS THE MINISTRY THAT GOD HAS ENTRUSTED ME.

HE WINS.

over the past few months, i have let SORROW overcome me. 

i have given up.

i have been faithless.

i have been afraid, angry and confused.

because of the greatest victory, my SAVIOR who sits at the right hand of God...

i have a calling...a purpose...a ministry...a LIFE TO LIVE...

a LIFE TO LIVE TO SAVE LIVES. 
TO GLORIFY GOD. 
TO PRAISE HIS NAME. 
TO LIVE CHRISTLIKE IN EVERY WAY.
TO WALK VICTORIOUSLY. 

BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY...

i have the courage, the boldness, and walk in FEARLESSNESS TO STAND UP TO THE ENEMY AND SAY NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

there are people who need you, said the Holy SPiRiT.

they are waiting, GOD says.

you have been elected, JESUS PROCLAIMS.

HOW could i slip and let the enemy even think He has the SLIGHTEST CHANCE to destroy me?!

they NEED ME. they NEED ME. they NEED ME.

the past 10 months, ever so slightly, but sneaky...the enemy has kept bondage around that "ONE" thing...i just could't let go of. 

the "one" thing...the "huge" thing...the "one" area that God couldn't possibly touch, heal or restore.

the death of my mother.

YOU KNOW WHAT? 

JESUS DIED FOR THAT TOO. 

HE KNEW.

HE HAD ME IN MIND.

GOD IS BIGGER. THAN DEATH. 

JESUS CONQUERED THE GRAVE.

HE CONQUERED DEATH.


NOW, I SPEAK FEARLESSLY TO THE DEVIL:

I WIN. THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE IS AT WORK IN ME. HE FIGHTS FOR ME. HE LOVES ME. I TRUST HIM. I LOVE HIM. HE LOVES ME. I WILL FULFILL MY PURPOSE. HE WILL TURN ALL YOUR BAD....FOR GOOD. LIVES WILL BE SAVED. AND GOD WILL BE GLORIFED. AND YOU, YOU, DEVIL, WELL...YOU LOSE! YOU LOSE. YOU HAVE NO HOLD OVER ME. YOU WILL NOT KEEP ME IN BONDAGE. I AM FREE. I AM FREE. I AM FREE. in JESUS name, i AM FREE! JESUS FOREVER. JESUS FOREVER. JESUS FOREVER. OH, HOW I LOVE YOU JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!

let every breath i take PRAISE THE LORD.


oh, and just one more WiN for me...my sweet mother, who the enemy kept in bondage...

is no longer in pain. she no longer suffers. she no longer battles the enemy DAILY.

and oh, do i miss her. 

we ALL MISS HER! VOID is normal. GRIEF is normal.



and while weeping endures for the night...

JOY comes in the morning...

she is rejoicing in Heaven...at the feet of her SAVIOR. free forever. loved forever. ETERNITY with HIM.

H A L L E L U J A H. 


i will battle. i will fight. i run this race.

i choose to praise. i choose to trust. i choose to look to the Heavens. 

i choose to win. i choose to win. i choose to win.

oh, what a crazy life this is!

sweet. precious. a treasure. a gift.

thank you JESUS...

for RECREATING ME. A NEW HEART. A NEW LIFE. A NEW CREATION.

thank you, LORD.

for CHOOSING ME.

my life in your hands. my heart in your hands. my yesterday in your hands. my tomorrow...

in YOUR HANDS.


X O X O, 

C A I T L I N.

HE iS FAiTHFUL. ARE WE?

we hear it all of the time.

GOD is faithful. He is FAITHFUL. 

sometimes, at least in my life, I so easily forget this. 

i take advantage of it. 

this is not something to be thrown around and taken lightly. 

the GOD of the universe, the CREATOR of Heaven and Earth, my DADDY in Heaven is faithful. 


to me.

all of the time. without fail. 

to be honest, when i sat down to write this, i wasn't thinking about the faithfulness of the Lord.

don't get me wrong, He has been faithful to me. 

HE has done a miraculous work in my life and faith in these past few months...

but i'll get to that later. 

i started to think about me...and my FAiTHFULNESS to HiM.

have i been faithful to God? 

Have i trusted Him? 

Have i been everything i could possibly be for Him?

and the answer, a few months ago...

would have been NO.

let me preface this post with this:

this is my heart. these are my words, but the SPiRiT writes through me. 

i am not saying, by any means, that I have been faithful to God in EVERY single thing these past four months. 

but GOD has showed up. and worked MiRACLES. 

it is so hard to put all of our trust in God when we can't know whether or not things will happen the way we expect them to and give us what we DESiRE. 

OR, more than that.

what we think SHOULD happen. 

EXPECTATIONS.

THiS, is where I began to struggle. 

you see, recently, in my quiet time with God...

i have begun to pray that i die to myself and the ways of this world...

every day. 

and EVERY DAY, i have begun to pray and seek to live out 

HIS WiLL only. 

my fleshly desires are not what the Lord desires for me. 

not because He doesn't want me to be SATiSFiED, FULL, and FULL OF JOY.

rather...

because HE DESiRES better for ME. 

HiS DAUGHTER. 

before i started full time at HiGHLANDS COLLEGE, i placed expectations on the LORD.

HE VERY QUiCKLY became...

 less good, less faithful or less powerful...


when things didn't go my WAY.


why? because i placed my trust and faith in HiM on my CiRCUMSTANCES. 

i placed EXPECTATiONS on a LiMiTLESS GOD!

i have to be honest, i have had more than a few gut punching moments in this season of this BEAUTiFUL, iNCREDiBLE LiFE JESUS has blessed me with.

but my DADDY...

has never been CLOSER!

my world has been chaos this semester. A LiTTLE iNSiGHT:

NO CAR. GRiEF. HEARTBREAK. PHYSiCAL BATTLES. FiNANCiAL TROUBLE. 

SERiOUSLY...iN ALL HONESTY, iT HAS BEEN TORMENT. 

NONSTOP. FROM THE DEViL.

so i had two choices. 

one night, about a month ago...i was just laying in my bed.

i started to cry. i had fallen down the stairs at work and was practically immobile. 

something that i've never experienced in my life.

i felt hurt. alone. broken. sad. scared. confused. helpless.

you could say that all of these things led me to participate in a SLIGHT pity party. 

i felt God say to me "you have two choices."

i honestly didn't feel like knowing what either one was. i was numb. it is extremely easy and effortless to fall back into a place of helplessness, hopelessness, and darkness...


if we lose sight of what our eyes should continuously be fixed on...

and that would be JESUS.

God continued to poke at me with these two choices. 

"Two choices."

you can give up, or you can trust me this time, and trust me with EVERYTHING. 

i sat up in my bed.

i grew up in a family where giving up was not an option.

my sisters can testify to this:

when LiFE got tough, my Earthly father would tell me to "pull myself up by my bootstraps"...

AND WALK ON. 

i decided, in a period of despair, discouragement, pain, and repentance, that I would turn the little stuff over to JESUS just as i had with the BIG STUFF.

why, the Holy SPiRiT began to question in my heart...

did i think it was okay to believe and trust that JESUS had all of the big "iSSUES" in my life handled...

but was so resistant to trust that He would be faithful in the small, trivial, quite ANNOYiNG problems of EVERY DAY LiFE?

because to be honest, and this is STRiCTLY my OPiNiON...

the unexpected passing of my mother...well, it was a gut punch...

but what ultimately led me to this place of doubting, no trust, and questioning the LORDS goodness and faithfulness...

well those were the small things. the trivial, every day, constant things that happen in this LiFE of ours...

that i really believe satan uses to slowly, over time, take us further away from GOD each day...

until we realize we're in a place that we never thought we would be. 

you know, up until quite recently, and I'm talking about...within a month...


i doubted GOD for how faithful He was because i truly believe He would bring me to a place where i wouldn't have any TROUBLES!

yes.25. a full time ministry school student.engaged in the word of God.believing His truths...

and yet, wishing God would bring me to a place with no troubles. 

you may be thinking...really? does she know the BiBLE?!

john 16:33.

GOD does NOT promise us a LiFE with no trouble! 

"i have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. in the world you will have TROUBLE; but TAKE HEART, i have overcome the WORLD."

why was it so hard for me to rest in THiS;

the UNFAiLiNG, TRUE, PROMiSiNG; 

word of my DADDY. 

the SiMPLEST reason i can think of is the unstopping, never ending thwarts the ENEMY is constantly throwing at me.

i got caught up in a "why me" ATTiTUDE.

can i tell everybody something? 

iNSTEAD of focusing on a WHY ME ATTiTUDE...

we should adapt, (humbly) of course a "WHY NOT ME" ATTiTUDE!

we ALL know what God SAYS about us, what He DESiRES for US, and what He PROMiSES to FULFiLL in our LiVES!

i've heard people say this over and over and time and time again...

if the ENEMY is attacking you left and right, you must be doing huge things for the LORD.

HE'S AFRAiD. 

and just like a little child, he is pulling our hair, pinching us, kicking us, and biting us hoping that we will be devastated and respond to it. 

i'll just close with this. 

the ENEMY doesn't WiN. God tells us that.

SO WHY, AS GODS CHiLDREN, SHOULDN'T WE LiVE, WALK, AND KEEP OUR FAiTH iNVESTED iN THAT TRUTH?! 

GOD has proved Himself faithful to ME. 

More than that, HE has loved me when i didn't deserve it. 

HE COMES THROUGH. HE GiVES ANSWERS. HE HEALS. HE MAKES GOOD ON HiS WORD AND PROMiSE TO US...

always. ALL OF THE TiME. 

that night, i vowed to be His SOLDiER. to let Him FiGHT FOR AND SPEAK FOR ME. 

i will not doubt. 

i will not doubt.

He is FOR ME.

He is FOR ME.

i trust Him. 

i trust Him.

and because of Him, i will PREVAiL.

this thanksgiving season, this time in my life that seems like everything is falling apart, He holds me in the palm of His hand! 

and for that, i am FAiTHFUL to HiM. 

i am FOREVER FAiTHFUL. 

and nothing will EVER separate me from that. 

HE WiLL PROVE HiMSELF FAiTHFUL.

thank you, JESUS!


xoxo,


CAiTLiN

you are SOMEBODY.

i picked up my mothers old bible yesterday for the first time since she passed away.

as i flipped through it, i smelled it. i smelled her. i felt her. 

i felt her presence.

i started to weep. 

on the first page, i read my mothers writing...

something that pierced my heart, and brought me to uncontrollable tears.

written 13 years ago, my mother had written the words...

"i am somebody." 

sadness began to overcome me. 

in all of my life, i had always let my hurt, heartbreak, bitterness and anger cloud the thoughts of my mother.

i never treated her like anybody. in fact, i treated her lesser than anybody. 

reading her writing, her answered prayers, and her unspoken thoughts yesterday brought me to a place i never thought i would be. 

there is no worse feeling than knowing you added nothing but negative, nothing but hurt, nothing but hate to somebody's life. 

reading her words, sitting there, hysterical, in both my mother and Gods presence, i began to repent for the way i treated her. for my lack of love and support towards her. 

i really called out to Jesus and asked for His forgiveness.

i started to think of all the times that Jesus consumed me and swept me up into His arms of mercy and grace...

me. an undeserving sinner. 

it's a scary place to be when you're consumed by the mind games the enemy plays in your mind.

it's a very scary place.

he can bring you somewhere you don't ever want to be and keep you there for way longer than you ever wanted to stay. if you give him that control.

you see, we don't consciously hand over the keys to our mind to him. but if we entertain the smallest feeling of guilt, shame, anger, or hatred, he infiltrates us until it has us trapped.

unfortunately, for me, i spent years of my life unsaved without the Lord living in a pit of despair and hate. 

even more unfortunate, i believe i'm still living, after almost 2 years of being SAVED BY GRACE by the Lord in that same pit.

it's not easy to admit. in fact, it's painful. it hurts. it hurts to be truthful and it hurts deep down in my gut to face God and say to Him...

"FATHER, here i am. my words and actions are not coming from a pure heart. my heart and my very inside are clouded with confusion, fear, anger, unforgiveness, bitterness, and hatred. forgive me for feeling and acting this way towards people..."

the hard part is NOT repenting. 

i believe that Jesus Christ died on a cross for my SINS.

the hard part is what we do after we repent. 

okay, so, it's been 7 months since i buried my mother. 7 months. 

i'm just going to say what i shouldn't say. but i'm going to say it anyway.

there was a point in my life where i felt so heartbroken and guilty for the way i treated my mother, i VOWED never to live, or walk in that way again...to never ever let my spirit get consumed with a unpure heart towards anybody ever again.

i will save you the time if you're wondering if i ever got to that point. i didn't. i haven't. and i spend hours of my day every day crucifying myself for not getting there faster, or being kinder to others.

the last two months of my life have been, without a doubt, the hardest, emotionally overwhelming months of my entire life. 

in fact, i will be as bold as saying that i have never felt lower than i do right now. that's including burying my mother.

i pierce my heart and my mind with questions: WHY? WHY? WHY?

for months, i have waited for answers. 

for months, i have begged for answers to fall from Heaven and for GOD to answer me.

They haven't.

He hasn't.


and then: i got an answer. not even from somebody pouring into me in an intimate conversation. not directly from God. 

i overheard somebody say something and i knew that the holy spirit meant for me to hear...but spoke to me. loudly. and clearly. 

it was followed and confirmed, then, in the last past couple of days by two people.

WAIT. rest in God, and wait. trust Him and wait. He will never trust you with the big things if He can't trust you with the little things. WAIT.

you see, when i read my mothers written words of such innocence, such desperation, such a pure heart, something began to dig at me. 

i wanted to be delivered, healed, restored, and pieced together immediately. overnight. 

i wanted to be healed of all of my pain so i could get closer to god and love other people more. 

when really, even now, still, to this day...

that's NOT how it's going.

and my mighty counselor has spoken only these words to me:

before ANY of this...

you must get closer to your Daddy.

let Him love.

let Him restore.

trust His timing.

wait on Him.

the Bible says He desires to lavish His love on ME.

it's time to accept that. 

and let Him do it.

i believe that i got so torn up when i read my mothers written words because the enemy has kept me from really believing that i am somebody, too. 

he has kept me in bondage and kept my heart broken, and mind in fear, insecurity and isolation for WAY TOO LONG. 

you see, in this last couple of weeks, I haven't been open to hearing what God REALLY wants for me.  what the Spirit is really telling me to do. 

the devil makes waiting seem like the worst thing in the world. 

but really...

i know, deep down, that this gut wrenching feeling of being torn inside out and upside down, it is the right feeling.

that being enclosed in the lowest of lows...

must mean that i am on the verge of a spiritual breakthrough.

it is incredibly painful to reveal myself to GOD, to others, sometimes even to be honest to myself.

but why? God is MY FATHER.

I, am His creation. 

HIS.

HIS.

HIS.

He knows everything. My thoughts, my heart, my feelings, my body, from the INSIDE OUT.

He has already revealed Himself to me in ways that are unexplainable. 

It is time to do the two things I have just simply refused to do...

LET GO. 

AND LET HIM LOVE ME.

and to wait.

WAIT. on HIM. WAIT.

i am somebody. i have a purpose, a calling, and a God who can melt a hard of stone and break walls down.

and what i've failed to realize, and perhaps what I believe my mother failed to realize as well, is that healing...

it doesn't come overnight.

restoration...

it doesn't come overnight.

melting a hardened heart...

it doesn't come overnight.

NONE of these things happen overnight.

but GOD COMES. 

as quickly as i run to Him. 

HE COMES.

AS QUICKLY AS I LIFT MY VOICE.

HE COMES.

it starts with Him.

i am somebody.

in His eyes. 

i am somebody.

and knowing that, believing that, and WAITING, every day, waiting patiently on Him...

it will come. 

falling on my knees in front of Him, bearing my soul to Him, crying out to my Daddy, letting my soul become immersed in His love...will help me to love and be loved by others.

one day at a time.

HE BRINGS THE DEAD TO LIFE.

HE BRINGS THE DEAD TO LIFE.

HE BRINGS THE DEAD TO LIFE.

lord jesus, thank you for your presence, God, in every moment that I call on you. God, i come to you laying all of my struggles and confusion down at the bottom of the cross, Lord. Help me to remember that you are Savior to the lowly ones, the hope of the World, God, that you are sovereign, that you are good, that you are faithful and that you are MIGHTY to help me overcome any battle or struggle that comes my way, Jesus. Lord on the days where my unbelief and independence begin to take over, Lord God I beg your Holy Spirit to come out, God, and be my mighty counselor, Jesus, to remind me that you have conquered it all, God and that you are good. Help me to die to my fleshly and worldly desires and self, God and to trust in you in this time of waiting God. Lord give me patience, God and an overwhelming abundance of trust and discernment, God, let you be my first source each and every day and help me to just put my trust in you, God. Hear my cries, let me run to you for help God, every day, Lord Jesus, come and be my strength each morning, help me to place my fears, anxieties, hurts and pains of the past at the foot of the Cross and place my heart in your hands, exactly where it needs to be, Jesus. Invade my life, God, on the days where I don't seek you, Lord Jesus, make yourself known, visible and good on the days where my mind is clouded with the things and worries of this world. Thank you, thank you, thank you, for your love and mercy, God, for pouring it on such an undeserving sinner as myself. I love you Lord. All of my honor and praise goes to you, Father. In JESUS name, 
AMEN.


xoxox,


caitlin