duh. dumb question. of course, at some point, we have all been doubted.
and to go even further, we have doubted people and things at times.
if you're shaking your head saying "no", right now, you lyin'.
but it's okay. Jesus forgives you. and so do I.
but back to the point. the point is that we wouldn't be human if we didn't doubt from time to time.
if you're super holy, i'll pray for you. (i'm kidding. like 30% kidding.) but i'll still pray.
but i confess that i DOUBT. and i know i'm not alone. in fact, the Holy Spirit told me i wasn't. so, my friends, this blog, is for you.
the past 3 months have been a whirlwind for me.
i mean, a really crazy whirlwind. if i told you the full story, you'd probably doubt it. (HA! get it? that was a funny pun.) if you're not laughing, you seriously need Jesus. but that's a topic for a different time.
i wish i could say that this was a season of my life where unbelief and doubt didn't exist.
but that's not the truth.
in fact, it's completely the opposite.
right at the helm of what i can only describe as the most difficult season of my life, there i was, consumed with and being driven by unbelief and doubt.
it's not that i didn't trust God.
it's just that, as days came and went, i began to trust him a little LESS.
these words i'm furiously typing were birthed out of a day last week where my faith and my doubt came to a KNOCK down, DRAG out fight.
last week, i was on the verge of losing everything. i mean, everything.
i am dramatic by nature (most of you already know this)…but in this instance, i really, truly, mean it when i say everything was slowly being stripped away from me, and i had NO control over it.
i went back and forth moment to moment.
i trust you, God.
i don't know if you'll do it God.
you are the God of miracles.
but this miracle may be too big for you to do.
you alone are my provision, God.
but i need some type of other security just in case you don't show up.
those statements make me cringe as i type them.
but if i'm being honest, those were the thoughts consuming me.
time was running out for me, and, i was desperate.
and instead of taking my desperation to the foot of the Cross and laying it before God, i endlessly began to worry and tried to do ANYTHING in MY power to fix it.
it was there, on a Thursday morning, in my fabulous little apartment that i call H O M E that the voice of the Holy Spirit spoke to me and the presence of God struck me.
"are you worshipping me or are you worshipping the problem?"
softly, but sternly.
sort of taken aback, i sat there in silence on my white leather couch and shook my head.
like, surely this wasn't the voice of God. in fact, a sista caught an attitude and it went more like this, "oh i KNOW you aren't talking to me like that." (it's cool, i talk to God like that, and He is just as sassy right back to me. i think it's the only way He can get through to me sometimes. y'all pray for me.)
and then, again. just a simple question.
"are you going to worship me? or are you going to worship worry?"
it took me a few minutes to let the attitude go.
it was almost as if i wanted to STAY in my feelings of doubt and unbelief, because they felt more comfortable to me than TRUSTING God.
i wanted to hold onto it. i wanted control. i was scared to let it go and surrender it because i didn't know if he would SHOW up.
but something happens when we start to trust God less.
we start to put all of our faith and confidence in ourselves.
we start to fight on our own.
we start to fight alone.
and when we fight like that, when we put faith solely in ourselves, we get very, very, very tired.
and there i was. tired. exhausted. sleep deprived. sick to my stomach. anxious. worried.
the light was dimming in the spiritual…
...and soon all i could see was the possibility of losing everything that i could SEE right in the natural.
i laid on the couch and my spotify played as tears streamed down my face.
i physically began to let myself unravel.
as i did, i heard the words of Steffany Gretzinger softly…
"you comfort us in our greatest unraveling…"
in the sweetest, most patient way possible, God was speaking to me through worship music, as if to let me know that EVEN in my unraveling, there He was.
so, humbly, i invited God into my mess. and y'all, it wasn't pretty.
but it was raw. and it was real. and that's really all He wants.
if we don't allow ourselves the freedom and the humility to become undone, how then can God make a way for us?
pride pushes us to pretend we have it all under control.
but we don't. and we never will.
we will never NOT need Jesus.
i mean, there will never be a time where we won't need to continuously trust God and declare His promises over our lives and our situations.
we have never "arrived" in the Kindgom.
meaning…there will never be a time where we won't need to be believe Jesus for something in OUR lives.
the enemy has a way of weakening us through doubt.
if we don't BELIEVE God will, slowly, we will stop ASKING Him to.
it's in this place that we begin to lose faith.
and where we lose faith, we lose hope.
and where we lose hope, we lose trust.
and where we lose trust, we lose our God.
this thing with Jesus? it's built on trust. it's built on believing what we cannot see.
even more, it's built on believing what we KNOW to be true about the character of God.
as i let the tears stream down my unmade face, i felt an urging in my Spirit to combat every lie of doubt and fear and uncertainty with all of the times God showed up and was faithful to me.
sounds ridiculous, right? like. He's God. of course He's faithful.
but, how quickly we forget.
how quickly i forgot, consumed, not by His word, or His promises,
...but by everything that i lacked in that moment.
as i opened my mouth, i began to let the testimony of God's faithfulness time, and time, and time, again, endlessly pour out of my mouth.
tears streamed harder.
my voice got louder.
my praise got stronger.
and my problems began to DIM.
soon, i was pacing around my apartment, praising God that He has never let me down, and that despite what i THOUGHT i was seeing, He never would.
last week, the hits were HARD. and then i heard in my Spirit…
the hits aren't going anywhere.
they are going to come. it's a promise. (see Matthew 16:33 for that one.)
But every hit in the NATURAL is building a dependence on God's strength in the SUPERNATURAL…
so that, in moments of doubt, we learn to cling to the promises and provision of God.
we have to come to a place where we don't want what we can do for ourselves.
because what God can do is so much GREATER.
to doubt means to, "feel uncertain about. to fear."
we cannot simultaneously say that we TRUST God, and then live in FEAR wondering if He will do what He tells us He will.
His perfect love casts out all fear. (1 John 4:18)
i don't know about you, but i've failed at a million things.
i've also been let down by many people.
and that's okay. because you and I human, like i said in the beginning of this blog.
we can expect for humans to fail and let us down.
but we KNOW that God never will.
we cannot always trust people and the promises they make.
but we can trust the promises and character of God.
He cannot lie and He does not change.
He is the SAME…yesterday. today. forever.
that means if He is faithful to us one time, He will forever and always be faithful.
If He provided for us one time, we can trust He will always provide.
If He reassures us of who He is, we can trust that He will always be.
Regardless of what life is telling us.
Regardless of our circumstances.
Regardless of how much the enemy tries to thwart us from believing it.
after i had my aha moment in my apartment last week, i repented to God for doubting Him.
i 70% sassily and 30% seriously spoke to Him and said, "i'm only human."
but then i lectured myself, "yeah, Caitlin, but just because you're human doesn't negate His truth."
it's almost as if i could hear Him laughing and saying, "yes, you're only human. and that is not wrong. that is exactly the point."
The Word of God is filled with examples of people just like you and i who struggled to believe God when He was right in front of their eyes.
God is not surprised with our inability at certain points to struggle to believe the One who says He goes before us.
that day, i started to re read the story of Thomas.
i'd never really paid attention to it before, but i needed some comfort to know that i wasn't alone in my times of doubt.
and poor Thomas. what a nickname he was granted. although, rightfully was it granted to him.
we see the story in John 20.
Thomas wasn't with the disciples when they had seen Jesus. in verse 25, the disciples told him, "we have seen the Lord!"
Thomas replied and said, "unless i see the nail marks in his hands, and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, i will NOT believe."
ummm, skkkkkrrrrrrttttt.
who does Thomas even think he is? (actually, i see a lot of myself in Him.)
a week later, Jesus shows up. theologically, we don't know where He was, or what He was doing.
but i like to think that Jesus purposely made Thomas wait, just to see if his doubt would increase.
Jesus appears to the disciples, just swiftly passing by the locked doors.
then He said to Thomas, "put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe."
Thomas said to Him, "my Lord and my God!"
then Jesus told him, "because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed."
in my personal opinion, i believe today...Jesus waits to show up, not to see if our DOUBT will increase, but if our FAITH will.
i had nothing else to cling to.
that moment was vital for me.
DOUBT or TRUST?
FAITH or FEAR?
MIRACULOUS or MUNDANE? (interestingly enough, look at this definition for this word… of this earthly world rather than a heavenly or spiritual one!)
it took surrender. it took recalling to mind all of the times God's faithfulness had been present in my mind. and then it took faith to believe what God said He would do, just like every other time.
after the come to Jesus meeting i had with myself (and, quite literally, Jesus…) after surrendering everything into His hands and trusting He would show up and do what only HE could do...
within 48 hours…everything I thought i was losing had been provided for.
i sat on my couch weeping, praising God for showing up, even when i just had 1 little teeny, tiny, mustard seed of faith.
i went into my kitchen to brew some Cafe Bustelo, (if you don't know, get hip.)
without looking, i opened my cabinet and pulled out the first coffee mug i could find.
it was one of my mother's old ones that i had inherited.
in a soft blue cursive writing, written all over every side, was the word,
BELIEVE.
that's no coincidence.
no. it was the smallest reminder from my Heavenly Father that He knows and He intricately cares about every single detail of our lives.
big. small. in between.
He will ALWAYS show up.
and friends, big. small. in between.
we will never not need Him.
because i'm a word nerd and i love definitions, i wanted to know the opposite of what doubt was defined as.
the synonyms for doubt. are you ready? here they are…
belief. calm. certainty. clarity. confidence. definiteness. ease. faith. knowledge. sureness. trust. solution. dependence.
may we always openly and honestly always run to Jesus in the midst of our doubt, and shout to Him, as the father of the demon possessed boy did, in Mark 9…
v 22 "if you can do ANYTHING, take pity on us and help us."
v 23 "If you can?", said Jesus. "Everything is possible for the one who believes."
v 24, Immediately, the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"
father, help us. we know that you are good, you are trustworthy, you are faithful and you have never let us down. in the times where we doubt, help us to humbly trade it at your cross for every time you have shown up for us. let our hearts always be overwhelmed and reminded of your constant faithfulness. the kind that chases us down and overflows in our life, moment after moment, day after day. you are the only one worthy of our unwavering trust.
let the only thing we doubt be the lies of the enemy, and his attempts to weaken our faith.
let us respond each time, with a smile, a boldness, and may our answer to each lie always be... "DOUBT IT!"
God is ABLE. God is FAITHFUL. and He is always at work.
as we seek His presence, doubt begins to dissipate, and faith begins to free us.
and what a beautiful freedom it is.
'tis so sweet to trust in Jesus. amen. and amen.
UNTIL NEXT TIME,
XOXO,
C A I T L I N
